At my appointment last week with Dr. Risky, we talked about my upcoming c-section – that’s where I asked her if she used glue or staples – and she made an off-hand remark that has inexplicably left me emotional.
After measuring my fundal height, she examined the scar left from my first c-section. “I’ll remove that old scar when I go in this time.”
She had no idea how her words knocked the wind out of me.
I remember the first time I looked at my c-section scar. It was about a week after Madeline was born. I was shocked by how big it was, but then I laughed at myself for thinking it would be smaller. Even a premature baby needs a fair amount of room to be born. It was swollen, and it had glue holding it together. It was crooked on one side, like a funny smile. It was pretty gross. But it was how my daughter was born, so I loved it.
As my nerve endings slowly came back, I would lay in bed at night and feel the scar tingle and be reminded of Madeline’s birth. How it was a really scary day, but it was still a wonderful day. The day I first heard her voice, the first day I had a daughter.
Eventually my scar felt totally normal, no different than the rest of my skin. Every now and then I’d catch a glimpse of it in the mirror after a shower, and I’d turn up one side of my mouth in a crooked smile.
Not long after Maddie died, my scar popped back into my mind. I traced my finger tips along it, thankful that I had a mark on my body that proved Madeline had existed. That she’d been in my body and she’d been born and she’d lived.
Soon, Dr. Risky will remove the scar that Madeline was born through. I’ll have a new scar, one that will belong to her sister.
Leaving in the scar tissue isn’t a feasible option.
And even though I know that not having the scar doesn’t change the fact that Madeline existed, I’m still really sad. I have another mark that I can touch when I want to think of her, but that scar, that is something different. Something one of a kind.
I’m proud that I will soon have a nice neat one for Binky.
Until then, I will cherish my crooked scar for Madeline.