This weekend I went to a bachelorette party for my friend Danielle. Danielle is a teeny tiny little bundle of fun and energy, and I think we gave her a great send-off.
Sorry boys, she’s taken

The party was on Catalina Island, a small island about 22 miles off the coast of Los Angeles. So you know, you have to take a boat to get there. Well, some people take helicopters, but I’m not pooping diamonds so I took a ferry with the unwashed masses. The island is so pretty and the big tourist area of Avalon is very cute. We had great weather, so we spent time at the beach or just sitting outside. People live on the island full-time, which totally blows my mind – there are only about 3,700 people on the ENTIRE island. I can’t imagine what that would be like – everyone literally knows everyone.

Almost everyone went to Catalina the night before me. I had to take a boat out on Saturday morning – by myself – and I was a little nervous. I get BAD motion sickness. I took a bunch of Dramamine and brought water, soda, and dry cereal on the boat with me – the water for hydration, the cereal for nausea, and the soda for caffeine, duh. And…the boat ride to the island really wasn’t bad. I closed my eyes at times, and at one point my stomach started to churn a bit, but I went to the back of the boat where it was open-air and I felt better.

I figured that since the ride over had been so easy, the ride back would be as well. I realized after I got on the island that the early boat I’d planned on taking back did not exist. I don’t know where I got my wrong information, but I was bummed because I’d been planning on going to the first birthday party of my friend Diane’s daughter. Then I discovered the boat I ended up on didn’t go directly back to the port on the mainland – it made stops at the other tourist areas on the island. That meant my boat ride back was going to be even longer than I planned.
My Gull Friend is so lucky she can fly

The Pacific was incredibly bumpy on the ride back. So bumpy that about 20 minutes into the trip, I took another Dramamine. I got up and paced the aisles of the boat. I went out onto the open deck. NOTHING made me feel better. I went back to my seat and made myself as comfortable as I could. I closed my eyes, hoping for sleep, when the man behind me vomited. A group of boy scouts started screaming “Gross! Gross!!” at the poor seasick man…and then one of the boy scouts barfed on the feet of another boy scout…who then vomited at the sight of puke on his feet.

I started to dry heave. I had never been so happy to have an empty stomach.

Once the barf-fest seemed under control, I thought I might actually be able to sleep through the nightmare that the boat ride had become. Then a little girl of about nine got into a loud fight with her mom. The girl was HITTING her mom, and her mom was PISSED. She was screaming at her daughter about punishing her and the little girl replied, “You can’t do anything to me! We’re on a boat! You can’t throw me overboard or you’ll go to JAIL for MURDER!” If that little girl had been Madeline…well, jail would have looked like a nice alternative.

I wish I could say the boat ride got better after that. Unfortunately, a couple more boy scouts barfed, including their troop leader. I’ve never been around so many barfing people in my life, and I was in a sorority. When I finally got off the boat, I literally laid on the ground to get my equilibrium back.
Danielle, you are absolutely worth five hours on two boats, but if you tell me that your wedding is going to be on Catalina, I am going to start eating coal. Helicopter rides aren’t cheap.