Sunday marked one month since Jackie died. Time trickery is definitely at work, because it feels like more than that, but it also feels like she was just here. Like if I tried hard enough, I could smell her perfume on my hair, lingering after a recent hug.
Last night when I eventually fell asleep I was trapped in nightmares, just like I have been every night for the last few weeks. I was held down. I tried to scream, but my mouth was muffled by unseen hands. I couldn’t escape. Things played out, over and over. I couldn’t wake up. No one would help me. No one could.
I wake up from nightmares traumatized and resentful. Exhausted. Sleep used to be safe. Now I struggle to fall asleep, and then when I do, I’m tortured.
After Maddie died, I took hardcore sleeping pills during the first few weeks. I had to stop once I became pregnant with Annie, and that’s when my insomnia started. I couldn’t handle sleeping at night, when everyone else was slumbering. But I could sleep during the day with no problem. I realized eventually that I slept better when Mike was conscious because I felt like he could protect me from the nightmares. Even if he couldn’t prevent them, he could wake me up when they started. It was irrational but it worked.
I can’t sleep during the day now, not with Annie around. I need help. I need sleep advice. I so very badly need rest.
Jeanne says:
I work 12 hour night shifts 7p-7a and I had trouble sleeping for a while until I tried a couple of things: try bath and body works- lavender vanilla candle, aromatherapy body wash and pillow mist. Try melatonin or homeopatic treatments, this is the website I used to read about them, it helps me…
http://www.nativeremedies.com/articles/homeopathic-treatment-insomnia.html
Sky says:
Hi, Heather. Have you ever tried yoga? There are some breathing exercises you might find helpful in learning to control your breathing process and creating a more reaxed state of being.
christina says:
Have you tried Melatonin? Or reading with a cup of chamomile tea? Or all of those combined with a warm bath?
Casey says:
Ditto the melatonin…it’s pretty gentle, but all natural and can really work. Also, the sleepytime “extra” tea really works for me…except when I have to get up to pee in the middle of the night from drinking tea right before bed
alexandra says:
Another chime in for melatonin from a fellow insomniac.
Auntie_M says:
I have crazy insomnia & have found the only melatonin that works is the 5mg liquid gel by Nature’s Bounty (green bottles). I know that sounds weird…but my brain is weird ever since I got sick & I swear, the melt-in-your-mouth fast acting tablets, the higher mg–nothing works as good as these!
Having said that, after 65 days of only sleeping every other day for maybe 5 to 6 hours when my body demands 10, I had to do a few days of 50 mg of trazadone prescribed by my sleep doctor (along w/the melatonin). I slept 12-15 hours the 1st couple days & now have returned–finally to a more normal sleep schedule.
Another key for me is to turn off the TV & computer by 10pm & dim lights so my mind starts revving down.
The tea is good too~at least on cool nights! I’ve heard acupuncture can really work too. And massages: I think Mike is just gonna have to give you a neck & shoulder massage every evening for the next 80 years or so…
xo~M
http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/nature's-bounty-super-strength-melatonin-5-mg-dietary-supplement-softgels/ID=prod2497521-product
Nadine says:
Hey Heather,
I’m writing my Bachelor Thesis about insomnia. A lot of studies have shown that acupuncture helps a lot ! But I know that you don’t like needles so I did some research. I found out that acupressure has practically the same effect (and it’s non-invasive!). Maybe that can help you? I certainly hope so.
Wishing you all the best
Krissa says:
This might actually be a very good idea. My sis-in-law was cured of non-related stuff with acupuncture. I didn’t even know it was available for insomnia, but it helped her with other problems and they never came back. I am horrified of needles or I would do it myself. I know you don’t like them either, but maybe you can try it if all else fails. You’ve had to endure needles for so much else, if this would help get some sleep it might be worth a try.
Sadie says:
I say give the acupuncture a shot. I’m terrified of needles as well but, acupuncture is my go to therapy for my killer migraines. You don’t even feel them go in.
Miriam says:
Ditto the acupuncture, it’s a very relaxing thing – once you get past the needles and most folks are so good at placing them you don’t feel it. If you do, which has happened once or twice, just ask them to take it out. It may also help with your efforts to get pregnant, it’s a whole body thing. I would give it a try.
Auntie_M says:
If your acupuncturist is good, you’ll never feel the needles–and just tell them you have a fear of needles & just ask them not to show them to you! My neurologist is CA did it 1x for carpal tunnel 3 years ago & it’s never come back…was great for migraines. The whole thing was relaxing!!
Plus she left these little tiny pins in my ears that fell out after about 2 weeks that helped with headaches & sleep–they were awesome!
Anon says:
Mirtazapine is the only thing that has ever put a dent in my long term insomnia. It really saved my life – lack of sleep was making me bonkers. It’s an antidepressant that makes you feel sleepy at night. I took it through both my pregnancies – before anyone wants to chip in, I consulted lots and lots of medical professionals about this, multiple psychiatrists, specialist clinicians who evaluated all the available evidence. They all said the same thing – with drugs like antidepressants the emotional health of the mother is extremely important when considering the risks and benefits of taking medication during pregnancy.
Cinthia says:
Dude… Mirtazapine is hardcore. When I’ve taken it I’m knocked out for 14-16 hours. Good for jump starting sleep, though.
Sharon says:
I wouldn’t suggest taking Mirtazapine. While it helped me to sleep I could barely function the next day.
Audra says:
Could you work out a schedule of family members coming over and playing with Annie… so you can nap during the day? What about if your mom and dad traded off days? (I forget how far away they live from you and whether this would work.) I know it’s a not a perfect set-up, but it would be something. Maybe they could play with her in the morning and get her kind of tired and then she would want to nap for a little while in the afternoon which would get you some more sleep.
When my oldest daughter was an infant, I was really anxious about SIDS. She had a small breathing issue at birth that was resolved when we left the hospital, but my imagination took this to ridiculous extents and could only really sleep if someone else was holding and watching her to make sure she was still breathing. So my mom would come over in the morning and I would nap from 8-10:30 or so . It definitely wasn’t a full night’s worth of sleep, but it was a time when I could completely relax because there was a conscious adult in the house watching my daughter.
Still Playing School says:
Melatonin was a miracle for me after my daughter passed away. Try the time released. Now that I’m pregnant, I can’t take it anymore, so I’m up again, with you!
Beverly says:
I would recommend talk therapy. Not a quick solution, but you have certainly been through a lot the last couple of years, I believe totally in the power of therapy. I also wonder if not putting your pain out there so publicly might help. I know it is real and to write about it is a release for you, but at the same time it is putting that state of mind out there so strongly that it might be hindering your ability to move past your grief.
Annalisa says:
I’m agreeing with the talk therapy. It was a lifesaver for me when I couldn’t take antidepressants during my pregnancy. It’s not just that we talked about my manifold fears (that only intensified before the pregnancy was over), it’s that she wouldn’t just sit back and listen, but would also offer a different point of view that would help me manage my fears (the snakes and rope approach).
She also helped me listen to my body more. Your body is trying to tell you about the tiredness, but your mind keeps shutting that down because it doesn’t want to turn off. There are ways to quiet your mind, and a good talk therapist can show you how.
Here’s an example. It’s called “I see, I hear, I feel”. Out loud, say the first thing you see. Then close your eyes and say the first thing you hear. Keep your eyes closed, and talk about something you feel (this part is to help you focus on your body). E.g. “I see a window. I hear the sound of trains. I feel my sore ankles.” Repeat again, but with two sights, two sounds, and two feelings. Keep going until you drift off. When I started out, it took me getting all the way up to 10 things, but eventually it got to a point where I could drift off easily after 3 or 4.
Heather says:
I am still in therapy!
Annalisa says:
Has your current therapist addressed the nightmares, if it has been discussed (if not, you would need to start there)? Has s/he made any suggestions as to what you can do about your fear of sleep?
If your therapist does not have any ideas or suggestion, you might want to see if s/he can refer you to a therapist that does CBT, who could have more practical advice on non-medication things to try.
Heather says:
Yes, we talk about them a lot. But she knows that I like to research things and present different ideas, so that’s why I asked for advice.
Heather says:
I’ve been in talk therapy since Maddie died.
Grief isn’t something you move past. My grief over Jackie is fresh and strong now, but it’s never going to go away. Same with my grief over Maddie.
Alissa says:
I see some traumatic triggers for you as well- in addition to the grief-especially related to flashbacks and avoidance of hospitals (you have been through a lot). As a counselor myself I utilize a technique called “EMDR” to help reprocess these memories (not take them away). I would encourage you to talk with your counselor regarding it or see if you can find someone who might do it in your area. It is a form of quasi-hypnosis and can only be done by licensed clinicians- no bogus hocus pocus. It has been one of the most widely researched techniques to heal any type of trauma- in particular with veterans (where PTSD has been mainstreamed into our society) but trauma occurs in everyone over our lifetimes- don’t have to just go to war to have a good deal of it.
At least take a gander-
http://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr.html
Heather says:
I don’t know what you mean by avoidance of hospitals. That I should avoid them?
Alissa says:
No- just the fear. Poor word choice, I meant fear. In some cases when bad things happen at a place we go to certain lengths to avoid going past that place, the place is labeled “bad” in our minds, have flashbacks when visiting that place. Ie- you get mugged in an alley and now you travel 5 extra minutes to avoid going past that alley or you avoid people wearing blue (the color of the man who mugged you), or you see a similar alley and get nervous without knowing why, or even avoid stores that your subconscious registers that were next to that alley!
At any rate, I don’t want to get too into psychology- I just wanted to let you know of that technique because not a lot of people know about it outside of the field. After reading your blog for so long-take it as a suggestion from a friend and disregard it if it does not apply to you or not clinically appropriate–it just never hurts to have knowledge or to ask about it. CBT that someone mentioned earlier is also an awesome way to go. Learning mindfulness techniques is also pretty gosh darn good too! :).
Alissa
Heather says:
Oh well, I have no fear of hospitals. I don’t go to the hospital Maddie died in, but I never have to, and now that I live 40 miles away from it, I don’t even have to drive by it. I will definitely look into EMDR – it sounds really interesting and I like that it’s all done via licensed people, etc. Thank you!
Lanie says:
Heather – I have done EMDR (after Sawyer died) and found it helpful.
Alissa says:
I am glad to have helped- I have personally seen some wonderful results with it. Anything is worth a shot. And yes- only licensed masters level clinicians at the independent level (or associates as long as they are supervised by an independent level on a consistent basis)- are allowed to even take the training. It is a bit of a specialty though- I believe some of the EMDR websites have lists of those who have completed the training and have been certified in your area, or ask your counselor if she does it or knows of someone!
Marie says:
Annalisa hit it right on the head. The fear of sleep.
Bed used to be a place I looked forward to and now it’s something I dread. I don’t know the answer but I bet the therapist would help you. If you fear bed for nightmares or know you are going to wrestle around trying to sleep – it’s just not going to happen.
Last night I put on a relaxation tape and then it bothered me to have noise. At 4 a.m. my fire alarms all went off and then I had to get up and bonk at them. Didn’t work, they continued. I fear tonight might be a repeat. But I’m going to take a tylenol PM which works pretty well for me. I don’t like to because it leaves me groggy. And a new battery for one of the beeping ones so that should be ok tonight. They are wired and batteries so nothing worked last night. Scared the crap outta me.
When my husband died the funeral director told me that when I am tired enough I will sleep. Eventually I did but never for long.
I wish I had an answer for you but that phrase the fear of sleep is stuck in my mind now. That would be a good place to start a new conversation about insomnia with your therapist.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
karen says:
Dont nap during the day! When it comes to night time dont try to sleep, just relax. Makes sure you follow a good ‘rest’ pattern – a warm bath, a milky drink, read a book and then rest listening to the BBC world service. If you are able to have an armchair in another bedroom sit and rest in there, have a dim light on, a blanket and the radio on low.
Hunting sleep down in the middle of the night is often depressing and self defeating. The trick is to rest, to learn to relax again and to not stimulate yourself – so no tv, no music, no computer!
Good luck!
Lora says:
I second the suggestion of melatonin. I finally broke down and used it for my 8 year old son, because it was taking him 2 hours to fall asleep every night. He is so thankful now that he’s out in 20 minutes. But really, I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and of Jackie and her family.
Jessie says:
Heather,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I do agree that breathing and yoga are important, and I’ve put relaxation recordings on my ipod to fall asleep to in times I was having difficulty falling asleep, but it seems you may be past that.
I’m currently dealing with a lot of stuff and have in the past dealt with some pretty awful stuff — so I wasn’t surprised that I was just diagnosed with PTSD. The important thing about this diagnosis was that I was prescribed the medication (prazosin) that they use for people who come home from war and have horrible nightmares. The medication allows me to sleep and either I don’t have the nightmares anymore or I don’t remember them. This might be worth you speaking to your doctor about. It’s saved me.
Annalisa says:
Problem is, while Heather is trying to be pregnant she may not be able to take any meds like that. There’s a lot of medications that do not fall into the guidelines of “safe during pregnancy” and a lot of psych meds happen to be classified as unsafe.
That said, it all depends on quality of life. Sometimes a doctor may decide that the quality of life of a pregnant woman is such a factor in a pregnancy that comparatively speaking, the risk of poor moods during the pregnancy outweigh concerns about birth complications/defects.
Jessie says:
Very good point Annalisa, we had to put our baby plans on hold because of the medications I’ve been put on. Thanks for bringing that up, it’s a very important point to determine — whether it’s time to put TTC on hold and take these types of meds, or find an alternative that will work with your plans to add to your family.
Kim says:
I am a long time reader and I’ve never posted – I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Maybe you could put TTC on the back burner and mend your soul. I know that time isn’t going to heal any of your grief but time (and medication) may help you learn to cope. What does your therapist say about what is going on right now?
Becki says:
You have gone through so much and are so strong but in some ways – you aren’t getting better. I too agree with the therapy recommendation . .. they will have ideas both medical etc. And knowing you are getting professional help might take away some of the burden from Mike. I also agree with the earlier commentator that maybe, you are putting too much out here and then you feel an obligation to be strong for everyone here .. . Plus – we are just nosy, vocal blog readers most of us – we are NOT professionals and therefore maybe NOT the best people to seek primary advice from . . .We care but for many – a little knowledge from your readers can be a dangerous thing if YOU aren’t careful about the advice you take. .
Bonnie says:
Hi Heather…Have you ever tried Solution-focused Brief therapy? It might be helpful with what you’re describing. You can google it if you’re not familiar with it and see if it might be a good fit for you.
Kathy C. says:
It’s advice you’re probably not going to want to hear, but good ol’ exercise. Every day.
I know. Sorry.
mel says:
during times of serious stress/insomnia/worry, I fall asleep to Gilmore girls. It’s upbeat enough to set the mood before bed but if I keep it just low enough to barely hear it, I fall asleep when my eyes and body are tired. Sometimes you have to start on the couch. If you are not trying to force yourself to sleep, the exhaustion might just take over on it’s own. Wish I had something better to give. Sorry.
Cinthia says:
Heh! I do something like that, too. I watch episodes of Futurama that I’ve seen before and the familiarity of it all just puts me in a trance.
Deb says:
Ha!! THIS.
When I can’t sleep – I fall asleep to reruns of “Sex & the City”. Unfortunately, my cable provider no longer has eps on demand for me…..LOSERS.
Mental note: bring the laptop to bed along with the six seasons of DVD’s……
Ninabi says:
I use chamomile tea and add passionflower extract for when I’m really struggling with sleeplessness/anxiety.
If you have the opportunity to swim somewhere, it also could help. I was never fond of swimming, but we moved to a neighborhood that had a pool. Laps after dinner helped to calm me. If not that, a walk in the evening, while talking to my husband, allowed me to express what was so troubling. Getting some of it out before bed helped.
Napping during the day might help you catch up on sleep but as others wrote, it can throw your schedule off. It won’t prevent nightmares, but do keep a good bedtime ritual- no TV, calming drink, whatever works.
A therapist recommended a book to me- actually read it to me in her office. It’s a children’s book, and yet it is not. Tear Soup. You might find it to be soothing to read in the evening as well.
http://www.amazon.com/Tear-Soup-Pat-Schwiebert/dp/0961519762
Again, I feel it’s not a solitary fix, any more than teas or supplements are, but sometimes in combination, calming things might work.
deanna says:
just a nod to ‘tear soup.’ one of my colleagues has recommended this book to many bereaved parents, and i know many have found it helpful. ive read it myself and it is truly lovely. i cant recommend this book highly enough.
Melli says:
I used to use melatonin for years then in January I read about this book that has helped people get rid of insomnia and other ailments, the minboby prescription by dr John Sarn. It was on 20/20 & has a ton of amazing reviews on amazon.com. I thought it was some mumbo jumbo self help book at first but I’m so happy I bought it because it’s not about that at all. It talks about what is actually happening in the brains and nervous system causing the insomnia and what you can do to stop it. Since I’ve read it in the winter, I’ve only seen the sun come up TWICE I stead of 3-5 times a week. It’s like $10, you have nothing to lose to try it. Insomia is the worst!!
Melli says:
*mindbody
Mrs Woog says:
I have heard about the exercise thing. And try no computer and Tv thing after 3pn. And they may be right, apart from the exercise thing xx
Amanda says:
When I suffered from insomia in college, NOTHING would help except falling asleep with the TV on (very, very soft so that it wouldn’t wake me up after I fell asleep). I would put on something that would keep me focused (so I wouldn’t let my mind roam as I tried to fall asleep) but not too engaging so that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. It worked and is still my go-to on nights when no matter what I try I can’t sleep. Bikram yoga also helps because it is so exhausting and the heat in the room is relaxing. Just a few thoughts.
statia says:
Aside of the melatonin, which is a great idea (Trader Joe’s makes a chewable, and you can easily take like, ten of them, because the dosage is so low, but I’ve found that 2-3 works fabulously, and this is coming from someone who was once told to take TWO Ambien, and even that was a stretch), I’ve also heard great things about meridian therapy :http://www.thehealthoasis.net/Therapies/meridian.html My husband’s Sifu has a partner who does this right in their dojo and his classmates have raved about how it helped them. I’m just looking for a spot in my schedule where I can shoehorn it in.
Not being able to sleep is so frustrating. I feel you on this. Sleep is my nemesis.
Lisa says:
I wish I had some advice for you. I hope someone is able to suggest something that works and you are able to get some rest soon. Thinking about you and sending much love.
Krissa says:
I’ve had insomnia my entire life. Sometimes it’s bad enough I only sleep one to three hours a night. Other times I wake up but fall back to sleep over and over and over. Sometimes I do get 7 hours, but only if my husband is here and even then I wake up exhausted. I’ve never found anything that helps if I’m under extreme stress, but if you get to or are at a point where you’re not completely stressed out to where you absolutely can not calm down, try high does valerian. 500-900mg about 30 minutes before going to bed. You can also take valerian for anxiety, but it won’t work if you’re under a huge amount of stress. You need some time between whatever event happens and valerian to work. It does help, but it’s not a total cure. You have very vivid dreams on it, but I’ve never had a nightmare with it. From the time I was 18 until I was 33 I had sleep paralysis and night terrors – not every night, but enough to be upsetting. I don’t have that now, but I’ve never had it with valerian. Also, if you can find tea made for anxiety that has marigold as one of the ingredients, that will help anxiety too. Oh, but don’t take valerian too long. Like use it maybe a week max. at the super high dose. Otherwise you will get headaches. And don’t just stop it cold turkey either. Cut it in half and then in 1/4 to prevent headaches. You can start it up again after 5 days to a week. Same with the tea only you don’t have to ween yourself, just don’t use it for weeks on end. I’m not sure any of that will help, but it might. I really, really hope you get restful sleep soon. I know how horrible it is what you’re going through.
Michelle says:
Hi Heather,
I battled insomnia for years. Like you, I had a hard time shutting off my brain. I tried herbal remedies and sleep aids, but did not want to depend on medicine to sleep and I hated that “hangover” feeling the next day! I actually found a hypnotist a couple of years ago that taught me how to turn off my racing mind so I could fall asleep. I had great success so maybe it’s worth a shot?
Courtney says:
Don’t go to bed until you’re really tired.
Read a few pages of a book in bed.
And this is probably going to sound really stupid, but it works for me every time–I pretend I’m explaining something complicated (in my head)…like gravity or evolution. It gives me something to focus on but it’s so boring I’m asleep in minutes.
So sorry you’re so sleep-deprived on top of your grief…that sounds excruciating.
Alissa says:
Haha! Mine is to begin discussing the planets and unique facts surrounding each one. If that doesn’t work- they have Carl Sagan’s Cosmos on netflix streaming. Oh yea!
Susan says:
Heather, something you might try is Calcium-Magnesium tablets. The Magnesium is a smooth muscle relaxer and the Calcium helps relax your brain (like milk idea) and with no drowsiness in the morning. Safe. Start with one, or use 2. Warm bubble bath, candles, lotion, soft music, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
S says:
Some of the previous suggestions are great. One thing I would add is that when I’m very troubled by something (racing mind, can’t sleep, feel like I’m about to have a panic attack), I actually make my husband rub my back until I fall asleep. I know it’s not terribly fair to him, but since you said it helps when Mike is conscious and you’re not, maybe if you can fall asleep first with him comforting you, it can ease your mind a bit.
Best of luck and rest well.
Kim Wencl says:
Melatonin and Tylenol PM – work great. I’ve been taking them for almost 9 years now.
noelle says:
Bach flower essences Rescue Remedy. You can buy it at any health food store or even Amazon. It comes in spray or drops. Totally gentle and safe, even for pets and kids. Great for trauma and grief. You will love it It also comes in a sleep version, just helps calm your mind but doesn’t make you drowsy or anything.
JustAMom says:
PLEASE be careful with melatonin – my stepmother had TERRIBLE nightmares while taking it – extremely vivid and worse – she’d try to wake up – think she was – and then realized she was still in the nightmare. She said it was horrible. While it obviously induces sleep – since you are already suffering from nightmares, this may not be the best solution.
Othen than that no advice – just hugs and prayers. So incredibly sorry you are hurting so badly.
A says:
I VERY rarely remember my dreams. Melatonin dreams are weird. And I got at most 2-3 hours before waking up when I was taking it.
Nancy says:
Valerian Root – quiets the mind doesn’t leave you groggy so if you wake to Annie or to go the bathroom you are alert but easily fall back to sleep. I used it after the death of my son, very effective since the body is already sooo exhausted it’s just the mind that is on alert.
Kelly says:
My husband is a sleep physician in Chicago specializing in insomnia. I am sure he would be happy to speak with you or email about your sleeping issues. You would be amazed at the progress people make in their insomnia in just a short period of time. I am happy to put you both in touch, just let me know.
Beth says:
When anxiety keeps me awake or my brain just won’t shut off, I put my earbuds in and listen to downloaded podcasts of Matt Paxton’s “5 Decisions Away”. (He’s one of the organizers on the show Hoarders and has an often crude but funny sense of humor and great stories about his life and family. It’s distracting and comforting enough to help me drift off.
Courtney says:
Hi Heather ,
i wasn’t having a problem falling asleep, but i feel like i wasn’t sleeping deeply enough (REM sleep) & i would wake up in the am & feel like i had been hit by a truck – no matter how many hours of shut eye i had & it didn’t matter if i went to bed @ 9p or midnight. i discovered these amazing natural sleep pills, after doing a bit or research & going into Whole Foods & talking to one of the clerks. They’re made my Irwin Naturals & called ‘Power to Sleep PM’ the main thing on the label is ‘wake up refreshed’, which is exactly what i needed. Dosage is 2 liquid softgels 1/2 hour before bedtime, but I always take 1 pill and it works amazingly well. I will sometimes sleep for an hour or two, wake up & have to go to the bathroom & I’ll feel as if I’ve been sleeping all night ~ then I get excited that I have several hours of sleep remaining. It’s awesome to wake up & feel rested!! you should def check them out:
http://www.amazon.com/Irwin-Naturals-Power-Sleep-Softgels/dp/B001AG69S0
Steele says:
The ingredients in “Power to Sleep” include valerian [anti-anxiety] and melatonin [sleep-aid].
LTheanine is also known to help with sleep, as is hops extract.
That’s why it works.
Nicole says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. My best friend passed away six years ago, so while I can’t imagine how you feel exactly, I do know what sort of special hell it can be. I also had nightmares: vivid, graphic, wake up covered in sweat nightmares. I took klonopin, but I didn’t want to be dependent on a drug. I also went to cognitive therapy, and my favorite technique was free writing. For twenty minutes before I went to sleep, I’d write (not type) out every scary thought I’d had, all my anger. My therapist said “don’t be afraid to scare yourself with what you’re writing. You want this stuff out of your mind, and no one will read this again, not even you.” It worked so well for me! I’d throw the papers away, get ready for bed and felt as though I’d exorcised most of my demons. I just needed a different outlet for them, and free writing gave me control over when I got rid of them. Best of luck and all my sympathy.
Maria says:
The last time I was in the throes of a panic attack, my therapist recommended writing like above, but said to do it with my non-dominant hand, which helps activate the other side of your brain.
I’ve also found Neuro Emotional Technique to be helpful for anxiety and for me, it has produced some fascinating insights. http://www.netmindbody.com/for-patients/find-a-practitioner-near-you
Jennifer says:
I had a terrible bout of insomnia about 7 years ago due to some untreated anxiety. I ended up taking mirtazapine (remeron) as someone else mentioned. It was fabulous, but my body started building up a tolerance to it and the dr said take more (!!!), so I had to wean myself off. It was REALLY bad. As in, I may have to check myself into somewhere bad. My eyes raced, I had nausea, and my personal fave, once tapering/stopping–>insomnia. I also took prescription sleeping pills but also quickly developed a tolerance. Are you able to take good old benadryl? (I could not-it wires me). None of the teas, or homeopathic stuff helped me, but they are certainly worth a try. I suspect, that like me, you are dealing with severe anxiety due to the loss of your friend, and it’s bringing back your feelings from losing your daughter. I think you need to speak to a therapist. The ONLY thing that “fixed” me, was breathing, knowing I would be ok if I didn’t sleep, and making sure I got up by 7:00 REGARDLESS so that I was tired later and didn’t nap. It is not a fun road-I hope you get some relief soon. Don’t keep suffering-please see a dr or therapist soon.
Steele says:
I have non-24 sleep disorder and in the beginning Remeron as a sleep aid along with Provigil was a wakening agent was used to regulate my sleep cycle.
You are right, your body does build up a tolerance! And Remeron is addictive. And Remeron causes weight gain, as you will begin to crave carbs.
Read through the comments and think about using valerian and melatonin. They do help. But check with a doctor first, please.
TracyKM says:
I also recommend melatonin for restoring normal sleep patterns. I wouldn’t use it to induce daytime sleeping unless you don’t want to sleep at night. You can also take magnesium.
There are some natural sources of melatonin–sour cherry juice (but too much sugar for me) and pumpkin seeds.
As well, eliminating wheat can aid in a more peaceful sleep.
I hope you find rest soon; it’s so crucial to our overall health!
Jeanie says:
I think you need to discuss the situation with your doctor, especially since you’re trying to become pregnant. Maybe she can prescribe something safe or has at least medically-approved suggestions.
Jamie says:
Acupuncture works wonders, I did not try it for my issues due to financial concerns but I wish I had. My best friend had trouble with pregnancies and it was a life saver.
I had 3 very close people die within 3 years of each other. I did not have insomnia, but experienced horrible nightmares. Seeing that medication may not be a solution for you, give acupuncture/pressure a try. I found that the only thing that helped my nightmares was time and being distracted prior to bed. Every waking moment I was thinking about those who passed and it consumed me for a very long time. Five years later I am still grieving but in a different way. I know you know that the pain is never easier but the symptoms of the pain get better.
Sending positive thoughts and strength your way.
Bree says:
I would only have one warning about the melatonin. Some people have the adverse side effect of very, very vivid dreams, which, if you are already struggling could make those worse. However, this only occurs with a very small percentage of people. I just happened to be one of them!
charlene says:
What will work like a charm is reading Psalm 91 in the bible before you go to bed….trust me you will feel God’s protection all around you…praying for you to sleep…
Anna says:
So, very specifically to the types of dreams you’re having, I think these nightmares where you feel like you can’t breathe/are being held down are a lot like lucid dreams. I have had them off and on in spurts my whole life, usually when I’m very anxious or stressed, which is how you’re feeling now. The fear of having these dreams would give me even MORE anxiety – a very bad combination.
Two practical tips from someone who gets them all the time:
1. Sleep on your side. The feeling of someone lying on you, keeping you from breathing or holding you down really comes from the fact that your body is (naturally) paralyzed when you sleep – you’re usually not aware of it, but in a lucid dream, stress suddenly makes you SENSE the feeling of not being able to move, without being able to turn off the switch to LET you move. So something as simple as a blanket or your tshirt suddenly has the weight of the world – combine that with a dream and it really does feel like an unknown thing is holding you down with all its might. Sleeping on your side can help with that – for whatever reason, the weight of my blanket on my side doesn’t confuse my brain as much as the weight of a blanket on my chest or the weight of my body on my chest (in the case of sleeping on your back or stomach, respectively). Also, understanding WHY you have that suffocation feeling helped me a lot with my anxiety after getting those dreams – which is why I went through all the background!
2. Listen to NPR in your headphones. This might just be personal, I don’t think there is anything scientific about it. But when I’m really anxious and start getting these types of dreams, having a calming voice in my ears seems to help me keep from getting too deep into anxiety spirals in my dreams. I’m pretty sure it makes me sleep a bit less deep – so it’s not something I do every day. But I’d rather get a good chunk of shallow sleep than a few fleeting minutes of anxious sleep. I don’t recommend anything too newsy or exciting (so Radio Lab and Fresh Air are out), but America’s Test Kitchen, KCRW Good Food and Splendid Table are all great choices. I barely have it loud enough to hear, and I usually listen to ones I’ve already listened to so I don’t get too interested, but having a running monologue of mundane chatter about peaches and pie in my ears has helped me.
Good luck, I know these types of dreams all too well, and that real feeling of panic is so, so, so scary.
Tara says:
I’ve been in your shoes. After my son died, I had terrible nightmares every night. One night I woke up to see demons hovering over my bed. That was the last straw for me…it scared the crap out of me.
I’ve tried so many natural things to try and sleep. Not much works for me…although yoga, chamomile, lavender, and such all sound nice and safe and sweet. Unfortunately none of it really works for me personally.
The only natural remedy that has helped me is doTerra essential oils “Serenity”. It’s a blend of quite a few oils. For some reason, it really has helped me sleep!
Acupuncture also helped me in the past. It was amazing at getting me relaxed and sleepy. I highly recommend that, although I will say I did acupuncture long before my baby died so I really can’t say how much it helps through the throes of deep pain and stress.
I have several friends recommend the Emotional Freedom Technique. I haven’t tried it myself but you may be interested in taking a look: http://eft.mercola.com/
In regards to the nightmares, I know this may sound crazy but please hear me out. Even if you are not “religious” there are spiritual forces at work in the world. My severe nightmares and demons did not cease until I recognized this and prayed that God would bind the devil and all his demons from my home and family.
I fully believe this can be possible for you even if you don’t agree. Would having a priest come by to bless your home and pray over you be an option? I agree that prayer is not a miracle worker. Obviously, having lost babies, we both know that. But there is a difference between prayers and I believe that protection from evil forces is something we can ALL use.
I’d even go so far as to urge you to approach any spiritual belief system you might feel closest to…even New Age stuff…I think anything will offer a form of cleansing and protection.
I don’t mean to imply that all you’re feeling is due to some unseen evil. You have very valid reasons, but you are also vulnerable right now and that is when we are most likely to be attacked. I know this may sound kooky to some people, but I know from experience that it’s true.
It makes total sense that you can only find rest and sleep when you know that Mike is there, watching over you and protecting you. Can he stay awake until you fall asleep? Assure you that he’s there to make sure you’re okay? Maybe you two can come up with a bedtime routine that will give you some reassurance.
I think therapy can be so helpful, but I know from experience that just talking things out doesn’t help. Like you said, your grief will never be something that you “get past”. You have to learn how to lie with it as best you can.
All that said, if you aren’t currently pregnant and you need sleep, there is nothing wrong with trying prescription sleeping pills again. I am right there with you…I want to get pregnant again, but I am also still suffering and relying on some medication. We need our sleep!
I spent months suffering from insomnia and fear. I do know how you feel. Things are better for me now, although not great, I can assure you that it can get a little better in the sleep department at any rate. Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
I’ve prayed for you in the past. But now I’ll be specifically praying for protection over your home, for your peace and comfort. I hope that somehow you can find a way to rest again.
deanna says:
i know it’s already been said, but im going to throw my hat in the ring recommending melatonin. i am a nurse practitioner who prescribes this for her patients (albeit in pediatrics, but still) so i figure that should count for something. melatonin is available over the counter. i usually start with 3mg nightly about an hour before you want to go to bed. you can increase to 6mg and 9mg as needed. there is even an extended release option if needed. its a naturally occurring substance in your body so there are few drug-to-drug interactions and it is quite safe. obviously, please check with your physician before starting anything. however, i have many patients who do quite well on melatonin!
also, i recommend good sleep hygiene to all my patients in conjunction with the melatonin. have a routine, go to bed at the same time, limit your screen time (computer, tv, ipad, ect) before bed and keep as few distractions as possible in the bedroom (ie no tv or music, etc). i have had some patients also report that white noise is really soothing–a fan, etc. be sure to keep busy during the day as well. get some exercise, dont take naps, eat well. all of that helps.
you have some REALLY good reasons to have difficulty sleeping. working on those issues, be it with medications or therapy, will also help with your sleep. i know you know this and i’m not trying to say that you’re not working on them or anything. i’m just trying to remind you to not get down on yourself and encourage you to seek help if you need it.
Steele says:
I have non-24 sleep disorder, and valerian and melatonin are the only things that help me with my sleep. It does work!
Catherine says:
Heather, you will sleep, you will be well. I am beyond childbearing…so I do take a low dose of Paxil. But I also do what so many others recommend AGAINST. I need to have voices or music very faintly in the background. TV is too bright, but a radio talk type show works. Not sure why it helps me, but it does. Lean on Mike, be well for
Annie.
pgoodness says:
I have no advice. When my insomnia kicks in, I tend to play a mindless game on my iPhone like Bejeweled or hang on Twitter or something until I drop it on my face.
Lately, my meds are causing extreme fatigue, so I can sleep any time, any place, but night is the exception at least a few times a week.
I hope you can get some relief soon. xo
Lanie says:
After Jake died our therapist suggested no serious conversations in the evening. She also said mindless TV or reading only in the evening. A friend ordered me a subscription to People. I watched repeats of Friends non stop for years. Sawyer died in the night – possibly while we were sleeping but we may never know for sure. No amount of mindless TV or reading has been able to help since then. . .
I am going to check back at your comments to see if there is anything I can try too. Thinking of you an hoping you can get some rest soon. Take care.
MJ says:
We listen to a sleep therapy CD they helps you get into REM sleep, we use it on the kids and listen to it ourselves, my husband and I. We have been listening to it for almost 2 years now. I have never slept as well as I do now. We keep it on a loop so it just plays for the hour and them repeats. Scientifically designed by Dr. Lee R. Bartel, this recording promotes the delta brainwave activity essential for a good night’s sleep.
http://www.amazon.com/Sonic-Aid-Therapy-Daniel-May/dp/B00319TBY8
Bonus- I never hear my husband snore, the music drowns it out!!! Hope that helps!
Steele says:
I have what is called non-24 sleep disorder, which means in my case I “exist” on 26 hour days, with my days and nights switching every two weeks. In other words, I don’t have a “normal” life, per say. Where most people’s sleep cycle revolve around their life, my life revolves around my sleep cycle.
There is no cure and no FDA treatment for it, and I am not going to take narcotics for the rest of my life.
What I’ve found helps is to take valerian and/or melatonin. I would speak to your doctor or a sleep-therapist/doctor about using these as a sleep aid. Neither are addictive.
Valerian is an herb, not related to Valium that helps with anxiety and relaxation however, it takes time for it to work. Its not take a dose and you will be relaxed; it takes time for it to “help” your system.
Melatonin is a hormone that your brain releases that tells you to go to sleep. As we get older, our brains make less of this hormone.
You may have to play with the doses on both of these with the max dose of Melatonin being 10mg, and the max for Valerian being 1500mg.
I use one of the combinations below to help me sleep.
5mg Melatonin, OR
3mg Melatonin AND 500-1000mg Valerian, OR
1500mg Valerian.
This dosage may not work for you, it depends upon a lot of things. But if you and your doctor decide to go this route, please remember to not give up if at first you seem to not be able to sleep. The one thing about both of these is that too high a dose will keep you awake.
And if you do choose to take this route, please get them from GNC. I’ve used both from WalMart, CVS, Walgreens, Target, etc. and they are poor quality versus what you get at GNC. A bottle of GNC melatonin 3mg runs about $6-9 for 60 tablets depending upon sale, and the GNC valerian runs around $15 for 50 capsules. Many times GNC will have a buy one get another 50% off.
But again, check with your doctor first before going this route just to make sure, as with valerian you need to notify a doctor you are taking it if you are to have surgery or dental work under sedation.
Stacy says:
Heather,
I haven’t taken the time to read through everyone’s posts, so I apologize if I repeat myself.
When my son was born prematurely, we nearly lost him at 3 days old. When he was 3 weeks old, we did lose my aunt very unexpectedly and suddenly. Less than a year later, her son, my cousin, who I consider to be the other half of my soul. tried to kill his girlfriend and then killed himself. It took me years and years to finally be able to sleep without the help of pills after all of this (add in my divorce and a bunch of other crap, too). I pray that you can find the relief you need as I know how much this takes a toll. One thing that I would recommend is finding a massage therapist who does Reiki as well. My long time massage therapist started practicing Reiki last year and now I don’t feel completely at ease in a massage without it. It may help you find out things that you aren’t even aware of, fears that you may not be consciously aware of. I wish you luck… and sleep.
Tam. says:
I was having some horrible sleep issues earlier this year, but I wanted to go the natural route for an aid. Melatonin didn’t work for me at all, so my Dr. suggested 250 mg. of Magnesium at bedtime. I can honestly say it has actually been working.
I hope you are able to get some rest soon.
Tricia says:
I’m going to ditto the previous commenter on yoga. It really is a lifesaver. Melatonin is also good for short term help, but yoga seriously calms my mind and exhausts my body. I love it.
JT says:
This may sound like silly suggestions, but it’s something that worked for me when I had anxiety and couldn’t sleep. When my mind started racing, I would redirect my thoughts by repeating something calming, whether it was a mantra or a prayer or just a phrase. It was like counting sheep. I would try to match my thoughts with my breathing. If my mind was racing very badly, I would almost have to fight my mind to redirect my thoughts, but it would eventually work. I would just have to kinda argue with myself. Sometimes I would be about to give up and then the next thing I knew I would be waking up after getting some sleep. It also helped if I had something to hold (actually clutch), like a rosary or a stuffed animal.
Have you kept a sleep journal to keep track of everything? Like what are your sleeping conditions like when it’s very bad and what are they like when it’s a little better? Maybe a small light or some sound (like from the TV) could help you. If you do keep the TV on, make sure you have something on that won’t end up disturbing/scaring you later in the night.
Malinda says:
I can’t say enough good things about the combination of an audiobook I’ve already heard and SleepPhones (http://www.sleepphones.com/). The audiobook helps my brain shut down (and shut up!) — but I only listen to familiar stories so I don’t get caught up in them. (The Harry Potter books are awesome for sleeping . . . Jim Dale is the best bedtime story reader I’ve ever heard.) Sometimes it still takes me 15-30 minutes to drift off, but most of the time I’m asleep within 10 minutes — even if I was wide awake when I started listening.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice from everyone here. I hope you find something that works for you!!
E. says:
You should see a naturaupathic or homeopathic doctor. Make sure you go to a good one! Ask around to find the best one in you area. (I’ll tell you the first thing they will tell you: no caffeine and no sugar. As in none. Not even a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I had PTSD related insomnia for a while. Even now, if I have one cup of coffee I can’t sleep a wink. It’s really a shame cause I love coffee.)
But seriously, I would say this is worth seeking some professional advice for. Sleep is so important for healing! I have tried acupuncture and homeopathy, I recommend them both highly.
Constance says:
I recommend a supplement called Phenibut. The brand is primaForce. Here is a blurb from Wikipedia “Phenibut is mandated standard equipment in a Russian cosmonaut’s medical kit. The use of “conventional” tranquilizers for stress and anxiety makes patients drowsy, which was deemed unacceptable for cosmonauts; phenibut, however, lowers stress levels without adversely affecting performance. In 1975 phenibut was included in the cosmonauts’ kit for those who participated in the Apollo-Soyuz joint mission.[4]” and here is the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenibut.
I took it all throughout my pregnancy (approved by my OB, Dr. Garrick Leonard @ Cornell) and while breastfeeding. I originally took it to help with the “crazy legs” feeling you can get while pregnant and the bonus of actual sleep was just glorious, as I have suffered from insomnia much of my life. It really quiets your mind more than puts you to sleep. I take it in the day from time to time as well. Please give it a try, I am fairly sure it can give you some measure of relief.
Acupuncture may also be of help.
C.
Michelle says:
Stress can do lots of strange things to the body. I have insomnia when I am stressed, not stressed, happy, sad. It just hits when it wants to hit. My doctor and I found that my hormone levels were out of whack during this time. Made perfect sense! I didn’t see anyone mention hormones. I’d suggest trying an non-medication route first to avoid messing that up any further in case that is part of the problem. Your recent pregnancy loss also had given you more stress and a hormonal scramble, too. My insomnia is rarely cured with one thing, it’s usually a combination of things and different combos work at different times. Melatonin never works alone for me, but in combination with the valerian, tart cherry and some other stuff, low doses do. I do take an occasional 1/2 Ambien out of desperation occassionally, but I find I have major cotton brain some days. I am a nurse, not cool. Sleeping during the day a little can take the edge off, I wouldn’t rule out naps, just not long ones. If I watch too much tv during the day, evevn while doing other stuff that makes it worse, I know you guys love tv around there.
Insomnia is the worst. It affects everything! Your blood sugar could be way out of whack during the day because of it causing you to be sleepy too. Good luck and I am so sorry this is happening.
Gopali says:
Dear Heather,
So sorry to hear about this. This is one thing that’s worked so well for me and my friends: http://www.wailana.com/shop/products/Rest-and-Relax.html. You can try this relaxation exercise before you sleep: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MnFvZLfWj8&feature=plcp. Even this one for kids works for me (and my kids!) when someone’s having a bad night: http://www.wailana.com/shop/products/Wai-Lana%27s-Little-Yogis%E2%84%A2-Daydream-CD.html. I wish I could send this to you. I hope this helps.
Love and prayers from us,
Gopali
Auntie_M says:
I truly hope someone here offers you something that really clicks for you! I’m so sorry you’ve been having nightmares & fear sleeping. And I cannot believe a month has gone by since beautiful Jackie! departed…I still can’t quite believe it’s true & I didn’t even know her, so I can’t imagine how it’s been for you. Of course you’ve had trouble sleeping & are grieving Jackie! & Maddie. Oh Heather, it just breaks my heart for you! ?
So I know I mentioned this above, but I have crazy insomnia–and by insomnia, I don’t mean “hardly sleeping” or “only getting a couple hours of sleep” in a night.
I mean: NO sleep whatsoever for 24-48 hrs or more! It’s insane! I take 5mg liquid gel by Nature’s Bounty (green bottles) EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I could take 2 if I needed to. The problem is, by the time I know I needed to, it’s too late! I’d never get up the next day, so it’s better to just stay awake & hope I’ll suddenly fall asleep or just stay awake til bedtime the next night.
But this summer was weird and after at least 65 days of only sleeping every other day for maybe 5 to 6 hours when my body demands 10 (I have fibromyalgia & sleep is crucial to body function), I had to do a few days of 50 mg of trazadone prescribed by my sleep doctor (along w/the melatonin). I slept 12-15 hours the 1st couple days & now have returned–finally to a more normal sleep schedule.
Another key for me is to turn off the TV & computer by 10pm (though earlier is better & I am totally cheating right now as it’s nearly 10:30 but I haven’t checked in for a few days & needed a Spohr fix!). I also either go sit outside in the dark or dim the lights in the room I’m in. I don’t read in bed or do anything else in bed–I had to make my mind equate bed with sleep. (Don’t ask about my non-existent sex life–obviously not a problem! LOL)
The tea is good too~at least on cool nights! I’ve heard acupuncture can really work too–just tell the therapist to NOT show you the needles, keep your eyes closed & relax. It really is relaxing!!! I know it’s worked for me for other issues.
And massages: I really do think Mike is just gonna have to give you a neck & shoulder massage every evening for the next 80 years or so…
Praying for you, wishing you peace & pleasant sleep…and love. ?
xo~M
http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/nature's-bounty-super-strength-melatonin-5-mg-dietary-supplement-softgels/ID=prod2497521-product
Mommy says:
No advice, just wanted to send you some love and hugs. I really hope you can get some peaceful, restful sleep soon.
Paula says:
Mike was talking a while back about Annie needing some friends her own age. Can you try a kindy or daycare or Pre school or whatever it is called? She could get some socializing, and you could get some rest. Just a thought.
Kristen says:
I’m a chronic insomniac and exercise is key for me. Start with a long walk or do some light weights-neither take a lot of effort. Sometimes my sole motivation to working out everyday is knowing it will help me sleep at night…
Jessy says:
I have struggled a LOT with sleep issues. Melatonin gets me to sleep, but doesn’t keep me there.
I’m posting, though, because I am a research psychologist and want to urge you to do your research on EMDR (I know you like to do research). The eye movement piece does not seem to do anything – it is basically exposure therapy with this eye movement piece thrown in. The exposure seems to be what helps, and we have known this for a long time. As quoted on the website below (written by a well-known and really rigorous clinical psychologist), “What is effective in EMDR is not new, and what is new is not effective.” It probably won’t hurt, compared to exposure therapy, but it isn’t worth it if it isn’t covered by insurance. My own skepticism would be along the lines of the end of this article: “Mental health consumers should be suspicious of psychotherapists who use EMDR instead of (rather than in addition to) standard behavioral and cognitive-behavioral interventions, especially those who claim that EMDR is far more effective and efficient than other interventions. Such therapists may be prone to administering nonscientific interventions of other kinds, and for going beyond the available scientific literature in other domains. Hence, consumers should be wary of practitioners who advance strong assertions about EMDR’s effectiveness that are not scientifically supported.”
http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/emdr.html
Abby says:
After Max died, I got to sleep by listening to guided meditations. They also helped me meet him in my dreams.
Michelle says:
Keep an open mind and research alternative therapies. Acupuncture, Reiki, aromatherapy, flower essences, homeopathy, bodytalk etc. They are wonderful and complementary to any western medicine. For example using essential oils in a diffuser in your room while you are falling asleep can help you calm and release any anxiety etc. Its not a cure for the insomnia and nightmares but a tool that can assist you and support whatever else you are doing. I hope that makes sense. I have researched and tried all kinds of alternative therapies and have found them very helpful for my whole family.
Paula says:
I found this article when I was browsing around – may help? I think we all wish so much we could help.
http://www.listener.co.nz/lifestyle/nutrition/does-cherry-juice-help-with-insomnia/
Paula in NZ
Katie B. says:
I have suffered from insomnia and migraines for 13 years after a pretty rough concussion during a HS soccer game. I’m on pain meds for migraines, but for the insomnia, Ambien CR works great for me. Another thing I like about the Ambien CR, it kind of gives you a little boost too before falling asleep. So in between stressing out about insomnia, migraines, and three kids 3 years old or younger, that boost, almost “high” feel really helps me calm down, rest. And sleep great.