The last nine months have been steeped in enough medical drama to fuel an entire season of Grey’s Anatomy story lines. And while I’m not as brooding or whiny as Meredith Grey, I AM as smart as she is. I’ve spent a LOT of time looking up medical info on the internet. I can spout off medical phrases with authority, and you believe that I know what I’m talking about. Just watch!

Madeline’s doctors worried that she might have hyaline membrane disease, bronchopulmonary dysplasia, or children’s interstitial lung disease. When she was in the NICU, her hyperbilirubinemia was treated with phototherapy. Her cardiologist feared that her patent ductus arteriosus might need surgery, but it closed with a course of indomethacin. Suspected necrotizing enterocolitis made it hard for her to gain weight.

See? You totally read that nodding your head, believing it all. And you should. Because I have an Honorary Doctorate from Google Medical University. I spent so much time looking up stuff on Google that they were like, “Hey Heather, you sure have learned a lot of stuff. Come talk at Google Medical University’s commencement and we’ll give you an honorary degree!” And I went up to the Googleplex and I spoke, and oh, those young doctors will never be the same.

Of course, having an honorary degree is no good unless you use it. Today, my coworker complained of a sore and tingling left arm. I didn’t bother to take his medical history because Google doesn’t care how old you are or how many games you just bowled. My experience practicing Google Medicine taught me that the first answer is the right answer. In this case, a sore left arm is an indicator of a heart attack. I told him as much, and ho, did we laugh and laugh when the little hypochondriac freaked out about his potential angina. Sure, he is only 29 and in great health, but Google is never wrong. I’m totally stealing his chair tomorrow when he doesn’t come in.

That’s just an example of one of the many people I’ve helped with my new honorary degree, and you can be next! Have a medical ailment? The doctor is in!