My Momversation last week was a really hard one – “Are Kids Returnable?” When I saw the topic, I sighed heavily. I’d paid close attention to the story of the Tennessee woman who sent her adopted son on a one-way flight back to Moscow with merely a note saying that she no longer wished to parent him. It’s a sensational and appalling story.
It’s also a story that isn’t as black and white as you might think. Sure, we can all agree that the way the woman handled it was completely inappropriate. Removing that from the equation, though, there were so many other options for her. I can’t imagine having a child so volatile in my home, so I can’t say that I know what I would do in that situation. I can only say what I hope I would do. I would exhaust all the services available to me as a parent to a child with mental health issues. I’d be banging down the doors of behavioral therapists, child psychologists, you name it. I would consider hospitalization, if necessary.
What would I do if none of that worked? I don’t know. I would hope that…well, I would hope that if none of that worked, I could find a solution. If that meant the child would be better off in another home that might be better suited for his or her unique quirks, then I’d hope I’d have the strength to offer that to my child. I would never send a child BACK to an orphanage and hope everything turned out OK. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself not knowing for certain the child wasn’t in a better situation.
Below, I attempt to talk about it with Maggie and Alice. Try not to be jarred by the super-awesome still of me.
It’s a rough, rough thing. I would love to hear about this from adoptive and foster parents (I hate those labels – aren’t we all just parents, period?). It was hard for me to find the right words for such an intense topic.
Sunny says:
This is beyond hard. I knew as soon as I saw the story that she had an attachment disordered child.
I was a foster parent for 8 years. Primarly, my husband and I cared for attachment disordered children. The first few children we had did not carry such labels, but after we had a child WITH the label, it was as if a light went off when I began doing some research.
Several integral issues exist within the context of fostering and adoption. At the heart of all of it is the lack of support, and the controversy that surrounded early AD treatments. Children with AD, or reactive attachment disorder (RAD) are very, very smart. They had to be to learn to survive. They learn to lie to survive, because they learned through very unfortunate circumstances that adults also lie, and don’t take care of them (the child). As such, it because very difficult to open up to caregivers who do mean what they say, and forget about psychologists and therapists!
Our son was adopted at age 13, having lived with us as a foster child since age 11. I’ll never forget the first thing his former foster mom said to me. “He’s got no conscious, he’s a monster.”
I had to fight tooth and nail for ANY services, and thank God, through the help of a one in a million social worker, we got it. It was an uphill battle, full of smashed, burned toys, terrorized pets, and terrorized DH and I. We had to fight for our child’s LIFE, his very ability to love and receive love. Once his adoption was finalized, the social workers wanted NOTHING to do with us, and we were expected to handle everything on our own. THAT is the reality of foster care adoption–we were dropped like a hot potato and there was a blame shift: “you wanted this, he’s YOUR child, DEAL with it.” Yet social workers do not give full disclosure. There were many things we did not find out about, and I know that ours is not an isolated incident.
Now imagine that you have wanted a child for years, tried every fertility treatment in the book. You finally decide on adoption…and maybe are told that their will be an adjustment period, that your child will take some time to “attach”. A few books maybe recommended…but don’t worry, you’re told, “attachment disorders” are “rare”. All you want to do is build your family…and your long awaited child is distant, cold, there is a language barrier, he/she is untrusting, won’t make eye contact…and suddenly strange things start happening. The child may triangulate between you and your spouse. The child may show affection to everyone BUT you. Everyone tells you it will pass. But it gets worse. And dangerous.
One friend who attempted foster care adoption had a child leave pictures of her killing their biological child under the bed. They started to notice knives missing. The state never disclosed this information.
Sadly, there are some children who ARE unadoptable. They will not do well in a traditional family setting, it’s too scary. There is not nearly enough education and preparation for families seeking older child adoptions. My guess is that a lot of families would be scared off if properly prepared.
DH and I made significant career changes as a result of our time as foser parents, I’m now a nurse and he’s a clinical psychologist.
damaris says:
woah, thank you so much for this comment. It was really eye opening. Thanks for being so blunt. I want to adopt but am really scared to go thought the entire process, probably not a good sign.
.-= damaris´s last blog ..life with your babes {mother number two} =-.
Jen says:
As someone who works in foster care, I think it’s great that you pushed through and were able to adopt your son, even with all the challenges.
But I want to correct some misconceptions. Foster care is not created equal in all regions in this country. I work for a private contract agency in upstate NY. We provide therapeutic foster care placement for children with moderate to severe mental health and behavioral issues. That means I have a small caseload (8), I see each child on that caseload at least once a week, I coordinate and manage their mental health treatment (therapy and medication management), I monitor their school placement, and I provide the supervision myself for any contact with their biological parents.
If they are adopted, we provide short-term post-adoption services before they are referred to one of two local agencies that provide post-adoption services, similar to what I do as their foster care case manager. We also make sure that there is no disruption in their counseling and/or medication management. I still stay in touch with several of the children I worked with prior to their adoption and I know others who do the same.
So there ARE support services out there. There are definitely areas where there isn’t enough support and there ARE social workers who are going to let you down, but there are also a lot of us who work long hours for little pay because we believe in helping children and families.
Also, my take on what this woman did is this. By availing herself of local services, she would continue to be legally responsible for this children as his mother. I am guessing the internet lawyer she consulted with basically was advising her of the best way to dissolve this adoption without having to be legally responsible for him in anyway. She wanted the quickest and easiest way out, and she got it. Her concern wasn’t for this boy, it was for herself.
Sarah says:
I really appreciate Jen & Sunny’s comments on this subject. I am also a social worker (in NYC)- and work in a residential setting for foster care teens. I’ve seen both sides of this equation: families wanting to ‘dump’ kids who are challenging; and the incredible lack of supportive services available to wonderful families who wish to maintain their children in the home. More recently, this state has put a lot of money into in-home therapeutic services and these have proven pretty successful. But cases still exist where kids need out-of-home placements, due to either disordered behaviors or rejecting/abusive/neglectful families.
All of that being said, I cannot imagine making the decision to do what the Tennessee mom did. I hope it came from a place of feeling utterly without options, instead of a place of not wanting to put the love, energy, and yes- hard work- into caring for her child (that he deserved). The whole situation is terribly sad & heartbreaking.
Julie says:
I have to confess that I completely disregard any comments from people that haven’t had one of these children living in their home. If you haven’t seen your other children attacked, lived in fear of going to sleep at night because you are afraid of what this child is capable of, when you feel like you are absolutely going to lose your mind. You absolutely wat the best for this child, you love him/her, you see so much potential, but it’s never enough.
My wounded child was expelled from preschool for violence, suspended from kindergarten SIX times for attacking his teacher, and it got worse every year. We spent thousands of dollars on therapy, medications, medical tests, you name it, we tried it. Then, when I was pregnant with my daughter, he tried to stab my 7 year old son. I could not and would not continue to put my other chldren at risk. I will tell you, I would like to believe that I could never have placed him alone on a plane, but I can’t say that. If I wouldn’t have found a placement for him, with as little help as we were getting, I might have been desperate enough to do exactly that.
Sara Jensen says:
I find it totally repugnant that someone would “return” a child back to an orphanage. I wonder how many classes, the adoptive parent had to take in order to be able to adopt in the first place. My husband and I will officially be ready to adopt from foster care after our backgrounds are cleared. We have spent months both meeting with DSHS, spent over 40 hours in training, taken first aid, cpr etc. If birth parents had to go through all of these hoops and classes, there would be far less unwanted children.
.-= Sara Jensen´s last blog ..Little Squirt =-.
erika says:
if i’ve learned ONE thing in the past few years, it is that you just can’t possibly know what someone is going through unless you’ve been through it yourself (and even then you won’t ever REALLY know their exact situation).
i used to be a lot quicker to judge and assume that i had the answers, but one thing grief has taught me is that i don’t often know the whole story…
my heart goes out to the little boy involved in that situation, as well as to the woman so desperate that she felt she needed to do that.
i think most parents are stetched to their breaking points sometimes- and thankfully, most of the time…we all rise to the occasion and realize what a true blessing it is to have the opportunity to get to raise our children here on this earth…
i am so interested to hear what others have to say. great topic!
erika says:
i’m not sure if i phrased my comment quite right- what i meant to say (but was kind of circumventing) was that being in a position of having experienced loss (my identical twin daughters were both born still in july 2008), it makes me realize 1) that getting the opportunity to raise living children is the MOST amazing gift a person can be given, and 2) sometimes situations are broken and not being in a position to fully understand…i can’t judge.
does that make sense?
.-= erika´s last blog ..A Tale Of Two Days =-.
elyssium says:
Yes. Oh yes, it makes sense.
Elise says:
I think you made very good sense! Well put.
Melissa says:
I understand the outraage. I can’t have my own. I WON’T have my own after my miscarriages..
BUT.. I think of Ethan Stacy and everyone who was unable to talk to me about it and there ARE Moms who cant get past the husband/partner and I really wish that they would realize that a kids life is above your own. Some women don’t. In these cases I feel that the child would obviously be better off. I WISH that Ethan was better off. In a better world, Ethan would be ok. In a better world Ethan would have been protected from his Mom.
Sorry.. I cant get past this for some reason. Some people arent meant to be parents. That includes mothers sometimes.
Marla says:
I agree… That little boy didn’t deserve to be beat to death. His mother LET a man do that to him because she wanted a relationship. It was ALL about her and not about her little boy. That makes me want to puke.
.-= Marla´s last blog ..1992 =-.
Melissa says:
Yet she fought for him. This is what gets me. SHE.FOUGHT.FOR.HIM.
It was about winning. Giving no thought to the fact that she was obviously not fit, nor had the fortitude to be a parent.
At least, at the very least. This woman who gave the kid back, KNEW she didnt have it in her to be a parent.
Lourdes says:
I’m a parent to two children from the womb and one from China-and you are right-I don’t use the word adoptive mother-I’m just a mother. When I first met my baby I was terrified because of all the issues that I know she and I would be dealing with-I will confess that I had some serious tear-filled moments of wanting to flee-but that was just desperation-I could not imagine leaving her alone to deal with life’s difficulties by herself! That was the moment she became my daughter.
I don’t sit in judgement of this mother-I just wish she had handled it differently. Could she have “returned” a child she gave birth to when she couldn’t cope with their illness? I don’t see how it is different just because you have adopted instead of birthed the child!
I’ve never commented before, but have been reading your blog for over a year now-I admire your courage-and am such a better parent because of your experience.
Sarah says:
As the adoptive mom of a child who was housed in an orphanage the first 3 years of his life, all I can say is you cannot even imagine the tough, tough road some families walk after an international adoption. Imagine your child put into an institution at birth–no bonding to anyone, no cuddles, no smiles, no warmth, no love. Would that child be a different child than the one you raised in your home from birth? All those cuddles you give, all the smiles, the holding, the rocking, the loving–it all MEANS something. It ISN’T for nothing…a child who gets NONE of that in early years is fundamentally not as mentally healthy/whole as a child who does. The difference is profound and until you’ve lived it, you can never know how profound. How damaged some kids are. It’s not the child’s fault, but frankly, most people are not prepared to parent a child with some many deep seated issues.
Heather says:
I think that every parent does the very best job they can with the tools they have.
That being said, I don’t think every parent is given the tools to go the distance when it comes to extreme cases of childhood mental illness. Sending the little man back to Russia with a note was wildy inappropriate, but I’ve also know a couple who had no choice but to check their oldest child into a group home where people could manage her properly. This came after finding a large butcher knife in the babies crib, the older girl had felt that the baby was trying to steal her things (the infant was 3 months old). It was a hard decision and they’re still actively involved in their daughter’s life, but the fact remained that she was a danger to them and the other people in their home.
All four of their children have come from the foster system, and they felt that signing on the dotted line was not different than having a biochild. They were in it for the long hall. No child is a mental health guarantee, sometimes people forget that they have a child to give long and not to get it in return.
Heather says:
um, baby’s crib.. not babies
bad grammer FTW!
karen says:
I have a teenager with severe learning disabilities. He has ASD and ADHD. He is violent and agressive and has just had his first trip to the police station (the first of many to come I suspect).
We get no help or support, even though we are under the care of a child mental health team. Social Services say he is not disabled enough to come under the disabled childrens team.
I didnt know what I was getting when he was born, you get what you are given by God. Whether a child is born to you or ‘given’ to you, you have no idea what problems will come along. It is down to God.
Anyone adopting a child, especially an older child, must be aware that they have ‘baggage’. It that way someone has an advantage when they adopt a child. They have a history and a knowledge of the childs background. If you know that then you have some idea if there will be problems.
But the one person who is not to blame for the problems the child has is the child. That little boy couldnt help the way he is, and needed love and care and help to see beyond that.
My son is hard work, and I’m tired and stressed but he can not help what he is and how he is. I can not and will not give up on him because he is not perfect, no person is.
Sunny says:
I keep seeing people say that “the child needs love and care” What if that’s not enough? Then what?
If love was the only thing needed to heal a child with “baggage” they wouldn’t need helpf for very long, would they?
Knowing an older child’s history before adoption, and knowning that they they come with baggage is far different than knowning what to do about it.
karen says:
I’m sat in bed with my teenage ASD and ADHD son and my 6yr old daughter. My son is not in a good mood today.
Both my daughter and I have been elbowed and hit and punched. I am sat between them to prevent serious injury to her.
Love helps. continuing to care for him helps. Caring is not about making sure he is fed and watered, it is about understanding and continuing on through the horrible times.
Yes right now I could easily and happily batter him and dump him at the local social services office.
I dont give him away though because I am his parent. It’s what I was given, but I wish I’d known before hand though what I was getting.
Sunny says:
What if your 6 year old was blind because your other child had stabbed her in the eyes with a steak knife when she was an infant?
What if you were afraid your child would hurt you? What if you lived with always having a phone, your debit card, and your car keys on you so yo could get away from your child’s rage?
What if your child pulled a knife on you? What if you had to install elaborate alarms so you could sleep at night? What if you locked your bedroom door every night out of fear of your own child?
What if your child tried to kill your pets?
What if you woke up to smoke in the house because your child had set a fire–intentionally–in the house?
How much love would there be? Would you be able to say you still lived that child? What if you couldn’t afford help? What if the psychologists and therapists told you it must be you, because the kid was fine? What if the social workers facilitating your adoption had lied and withheld information about the child’s “baggage”? Or in the name of “confidentiality” did not disclose your foster child’s dangerous behaviors?
I too, wish I had known what I was getting.
Good intentions, understanding, and love do not fix children with attachment disorders. It’s very frustrating to have survived all of these things and have people *NOT* understand what we went through.
DISCLAIMER: I think the woman who sent her child back to Russia was wrong, but I also understand her desparation.
Alexicographer says:
Karen, I’m not an adoptive mom and I’m not a mom to a child with disabilities so I won’t presume to imagine that I know the challenges you are facing, nor how they do or do not correspond to those faced by some adoptive parents.
I will say that plenty of people who intend to parent the child born to them find they cannot. This is, after all, one way that children born in the US find their way into adoptive (and foster) homes. Not the only way, but one way. It’s not “just” adoptive parents who say “I can’t do this.”
I’ll add that I have plenty of respect for parents of all sorts (birth, adoptive, foster) who, upon finding that they, personally, really truly aren’t able to parent a child they are responsible for parenting, place that child in a safe home or, yes, institutional setting (though sadly, such may not always be possible). Certainly the mom who sent her child back to Russia didn’t do that (locate a safe alternative placement for him), though as others have pointed out, there are even worse things she could have done but didn’t.
And I wish you both the strength and support that you need to provide your son and your daughter the safe, supportive, loving home that each deserves. (I wish that for all of us, honestly, but it sounds like you have a particularly challenging situation.)
Karen says:
Well for those who are wondering on the latest. After ‘kicking off’ (again) and threatening to hang himself (he has tried to hang himself before) and my husband having to go home form work and the Police attending. I spoke to the GP. GP saw him today and has referred him back to his CMHT (child mental health team).
As he is already on their books for everything else he will get a quick appt, about 2 weeks.
The suspected diagnosis? Bi-polar.
My response? Yes, thank god!
I am scared all the time. I worry about the safety of BOTH my children all the time. We lock all valuables away in a safe.
And still I will never ever throw him away.
We get almost no support, we both work full time, we have another child who deserves time and attention.
I often want to BUT I will still not give up on my child. We are all my child has. We are all my child has to show him right and wrong, to show him he is loved and how to love, to teach him how to be a decent human being.
And after being so horrible to us all morning he went out and got arrested AGAIN. And I still dont give up
Barnmaven says:
As an adoptee the thought of a child being returned horrifies me, but reality is often different than our hearts wish it could be. What the mother did by turning a seven year old mentally ill boy loose on a plane to Russia was wrong, deeply wrong. Part of me hopes she is prosecuted for negligence. If she had handled it the right way she would have all of my sympathy. I have an 8 year old daughter who is ADHD and bipolar, and doing very well right now after a lot of early intervention. But there are parents on my BP listservers that have children my daughter’s age who are already in residential treatment. They have children who have already committed violence against other children in the family, or have already tried to commit suicide. There are people who have had no choice but to turn their kids over to the state because they have no money left for more treatment. There are kids the state has intervened and taken because they assaulted family members or outsiders. I am lucky, my daughter was an extremely violent toddler, but with medication and a lot of therapy she has ended up being a really delightful, loving little girl. Yes, we have our challenges, but I know that we have a good foundation and some very caring providers who will help us through this.
I accept that some families aren’t able to parent kids with some of the more violent disorders, but what I have a hard timie with is wondering eventually what will happen to those children? The foster system is wrought with abuse – for every foster parent like Sunny, above, who is *wonderful*, there are 10 more who are terrible. The reality is that if the state intervenes these kids will have access to less help than if they were still on their parents’ private insurance. Many will end up institutionalized, permanently, at the state’s expense instead of at a private facility. And there’s just no future I see for them that has anything positive. Its sad and horrifying. I know that I sure don’t have the answers. I feel for the families, but I feel for the kids too.
.-= Barnmaven´s last blog ..Naked =-.
Karen says:
Please read my post above – I cant believe how similar my life is to what you are saying!
Melissa Multitasking Mama says:
I had the worst case scenario happen with my adopted son…and he is still my son. We are dealing with the issues and he is getting the help that he needs outside of our home but he is my son. I would never abandon him because he was too hard to parent. I feel the same for him, maybe even more protective, than my boys that grew under my heart. I wrote a post about this right after the news story broke and it does a better job of explaining my stance.
http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2010/04/adoption/
.-= Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..Yoursphere- Keeping Kids safe online =-.
FruSol says:
I have read your blog post. I see that your family is traumatized and I understand that must be gruelling for you. If I understand you correctly, your son has r*ped your younger sons. My heart bleeds.
I still feel with “Sunny” in that if you knew that he was trying to kill you, and started successfully stealing knives in order to do so, I am just saying… you may have felt the need to prevent that ever happening again. Even if that meant to have him removed from the home. And if you felt the need to put him somewhere safe, and the rest of the family some other place safe – that would NEVER make you a bad parent.
Lisa says:
I think this is a tough topic. I am appalled that this woman would just plop that 7 yr old boy, all by himself, on an airplane back to an orphanage. It seems to me that there were so many other options available to her, so many things she could have done. I mean even if she was at her wits end and just didn’t want to deal with having that child in her life she could an agency would have worked with her to find a better placement for the child. That child deserves a home, a family, he deserves to be loved for all of who is is. I sincerely hope he gets that. And like Maggie said in the piece, maybe he is better of now rather than living with a woman who would even consider putting a child on a plane all alone as an option.
Parenting is hard work, even if your child doesn’t have any special needs. I would think that if someone is planning on adopting, especially an older child from an orphanage, that they would be prepared for the issues that may arise from that.
I’m with you Heather, I would like to think that if in that situation I would do anything and everything possible to help my child.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..The Perfect Saturday Morning =-.
Nichole says:
Heather,
I really think that your opinion on this matter is spot on.
I think that for the most part, parents work with the tools that they have. In my career (as a *soon to be* behavioral psychologist) a vast majority of the work that I do is teacher and parent training aimed at increasing the tools they have available to them to deal with severe problem behaviors.
As much as pinning a note on a child and sending him on was SO crass and just horrific to think about, the underlying action of knowing her limits is something that I think goes undiscussed.
In my opinion, I would rather have a parent know their own limitations rather than feel as if they are forced to keep a child they cannot control/don’t want/etc. While in a perfect world, all children would be treated well and all parents would have endless capacity to deal with extreme problems, I think that begrudgingly keeping a child can create an environment that is dangerous for that child.
Do I think that parents should go to the ends of the earth and back for their children, absolutely. Do I think that a child should EVER be given up on? No. But from the perspective of keeping the welfare of the child first, if I had a parent come in telling me that they no longer wanted their child the LAST thing I would do would be to push for that parent to take their child home.
On a side note, I have been a long-time reader of your blog…and find it such a source of inspiration. You and Mike seem like SO much fun, and your girls are just beautiful!
.-= Nichole´s last blog ..…not yet… =-.
elyssium says:
I totally agree. The too hard basket is NOT FUN. And we know it. When we are the too-hard kid, we know it.
ally (adil320) says:
Heather I can take this from another angle since I am an adopted child.
My adoptive brother had some severe behavior issues stemming from some bad foster home situations before he was adopted at 7 years old. There was therapy, there was removal from school from striking a teacher, and FINALLY there was him literally going to live at a horse farm in the middle of nowhere for kids who had these types of issues.
Looking back on all of this now ( I am 7yr younger than him) I’m not sure if my parents made the right decision in sending him away for those years. He ended up with more bad influences there than he would have ever got at home. Many of the friends he made there were instrumental in the path that lead him to 6 years in prison.
I don’t feel like he felt he had any stability and any control over his life. Granted, kids don’t have much control over their lives…but I think adopted kids feel like we have even less. The idea that someone could of stuck me outside a police station if they didn’t feel like I was the model they “ordered” is truly revolting to me.
.-= ally (adil320)´s last blog ..Rollar Coaster =-.
Scatteredmom says:
I was a foster parent for 10 years to high risk, violent teenagers.
What some people don’t understand when they get into it, is that many of the kids are severely damaged. They’ve been through YEARS of abuse or neglect and are, unfortunately, not always “normal” kids that you can just love and rescue. There were times when we had to have kids removed from our home for everyone else’s safety. People sometimes become foster parents thinking they will ‘save’ kids and all those kids need is love and a safe place, but it’s not always the case. Oftentimes the kids need a huge amount of therapy, and some might not be reachable, seriously violent, or abusive.
It was the more rare case when that happened, but it DOES happen. That’s why (and this sounds horrible) we had to keep ourselves emotionally detached from the kids, otherwise we couldn’t be objective about them. Too emotional meant we couldn’t make the hard decisions that sometimes we had to make (ie-seeing them off to jail, letting them go when they left for the streets or back home, psych units, etc)
.-= Scatteredmom´s last blog ..Food Revolution Friday: Picky, Picky =-.
elyssium says:
You are strong, Scattered Mom.
Scatteredmom says:
I’m not sure about that. The kids came with my husband, as when we married he ran a four bed therapeutic group home for teenage boys. He was a package deal, and I knew it-but by the end, I was DONE. When you have to alarm your child’s room to keep them safe, teens are free-basing coke in the room next to where your baby sleeps, and strange people are casing your house, it’s stressful. We had a boy who was bi-polar, oppositional defiant, and adhd for two years. By the time he left I couldn’t work w/ behavior disordered kids for another 10 years, I was so burned out. (I’m a special ed para)
If we would have had to keep that boy, I never could’ve done it. We would’ve had to choose between him and the safety of our biological child.
Someone once asked us if we would foster again. Honest answer? Never. Not for all the money in the world. I love to work with troubled kids, but I just can’t live with them.
.-= Scatteredmom´s last blog ..Food Revolution Friday: Picky, Picky =-.
Sunny says:
Agreed–after 8 years we stopped. The alarms, special locks on doors to give us an bit of privacy (they even tried to pick those!), the stealing, the drugs, the police calls, I would not do it ever again.
But there was tremendous growth and learning in the process for both DH and myself. And as much as he still drives us crazy, we love our son. We just wish for him, that he was healthy emotionally.
Heather says:
wow. You are amazing.
Caroline says:
I don’t have any expertise on the matter, but I think that a lot of people make a really good point that it is impossible to judge someone in this position… we have no idea how hard it is to parent a child like this! It’s sad, and I wish it wasn’t reality, but sometimes the best thing IS letting the child go somewhere where they can be better cared for. Isn’t that what the whole idea of adoption is about?
Lindsay from Florida says:
I enjoy these Momversations as someone who wants to be a parent someday, but wouldn’t they be enriched by more viewpoints? For example, in the one on vaccinations, there wasn’t a mother whose child had HAD an adverse reaction or was autistic. In this one, there isn’t a parent of a child with severe behavioral issues or disorders.
Not meant as a criticism, just as a suggestion for future ones. There might be even greater insight and debate if the contributors were expanded.
Melissa says:
Lindsay, autism isnt caused by vacs. Please visit ECBT.org.
Lindsay from Florida says:
I didn’t say it was. I said a child who had had an adverse reaction to a vaccine OR was autistic. I did not mean that the adverse reaction WAS autism.
My cousin is autistic, so I have tried my best to educate myself. Personally, I don’t believe vaccines cause autism.
My point simply was that more voices could enrich and deepen the discussion.
Heather says:
for sure. I’m not part of the casting, but I hope that more moms will go to the momversation site and sign up to be a guest. It would be AMAZING to have other viewpoints!
Cassandra says:
As the parent of an autistic child I do not agree with you. As a matter of fact there is proof that they can cause autism. You really need to watch the documentry “Beautiful Son”.
Lindsay from Florida says:
I will, Cassandra! Is there any place online to look for it?
Melissa says:
There is no proof Cassandra. None.
Cassandra says:
Linsey, it was on CBS or NBC a few weeks ago. They have the dvd for sale, I am sure you could find it at amazon or search to see if it comes on again. Melissa, there is proof and what it talks about is the preservative in the vaccines that is made of mercury. I am sure everyone knows how poisonous mercury is and in autistic children they have tested off the charts with mercury in their blood! So, you can come to your own conclusion about how that got in their blood. And I am an autistic childs mom, so I know about this subject too. As any parent of a special needs child can tell you, it doesn’t take a degre to know what you are talking about when you live it everyday and would do anything to help your child.
Melissa says:
Cassandra, please read at the website I posted. There is NO proof. In fact there are several studies, done by people who advocate for children, which show there is no connection at all.
It just happens that vacs and autism diagnoses happen at relatively the same age.
C says:
The research that was done “proving” vacs cause autism, had severe flaws (fyi, 99.9 of research doesn’t “prove” anything and any researcher worth a nickel will tell you that up front… it simply shows a correlation). This was a recent discovery so everyone might not have heard about it. I would suggest further Googling. Of course, we can’t be 100% sure one way or the other, but it’s best to be as informed as possible!
jean says:
Really Melissa? I respect that this is your opinion, but a lot of people disagree with you, including many health professionals. I am a parent of an autistic child (who definitely experienced negative effects after his vaccinations), and it really angers me when people make blanket statements like that.
Melissa says:
Really Jean.
I didn’t make a blanket statement. In fact I agree with Lindsay about the needs of more voices needing to be heard on Momservations. My blanket statement as you put it, included a website to direct you to called Every Child By Two. My cousin is the Executive Director of the organization, so I know a bit about this.
It really isnt about agreeing with me or not, I just stated a fact. Autism is NOT caused by vacs. Your kids NEED to be vaccinated. Jenny McCarthy really did a disservice to this country speaking as though she knows about it. The fact that spectrum kids get diagnosed about the same age as vacs are given is that is the AGE when spectrum kids get diagnosed.
I really don’t want to argue, I really dont have much to say more than what I said with one sentence that you say is blanket. But I will give you an actual link that you can click on and read further. http://vaccinesafety.ecbt.org/ecbt/omnibusautism.html
I am not saying anything about the negative effects your child had with vacs, and I am sorry that happened, but I can assure you that it autism was not one of the effects.
jean says:
I think you do want to argue, or you at least want everyone to agree with you. It is not known what causes autism. I wish with all my heart it was. I know that there are many studies that have been done that have not shown a link between autism and vaccines. I also know what I saw happen to my child, and I know that mercury is a dangerous chemical.
I have scores of websites, and books, and studies, and the names and numbers of medical doctors who agree with me. Feel free to email me: nursecrain@aol.com if you want more information. I have already taken up too much space on this comment section with something that really has little to do with the subject at hand. Except maybe this: don’t judge another mother, Melissa. You have not walked in my shoes.
Talia says:
Melissa –
Saying that something is fact leaves you open to alot of scrutiny. There is almost nothing in modern science that can actually be designated as fact. Things can be researched, and depending on the funding bodies, almost any conclusion can be drawn. I’m sure that the organisation that your cousin directs is SURE than vaccinations don’t cause autism, but does that mean its fact? Absolutely not! tobacco companies have thousands of research papers stating that nicotine isn’t addictive – does that make it a fact?
Nicole says:
I am not a foster parent or an adoptive parent, so I can’t really say what I would do in that situation. Like you I would I hope that I would exhaust all my other possibilities before I would even think of doing something this extreme.
This is a very hard topic!! This story makes me sad for everyone involved!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Life with boys =-.
Sandy says:
I have not adopted a child, so I can’t speak from personal experience, but I know many people who have had a wonderful experience adopting or being adopted.
On the other hand, I have a friend whose biological daughter was born with attachment disorder. She is ten now and every day is a struggle. My brother is bipolar, and he destroyed my parents’ lives before running away at age 16. Neither of these children were adopted.
What I’m trying to say it is that the process of being human, and raising humans, is messy. There are no guarantees, whether you adopt or give birth.
.-= Sandy´s last blog ..Follow Friday for Writers =-.
Joy says:
A friend of my mother’s adopted three siblings, two girls and a boy. She started out with the intention of adopting the youngest girl, but was persuaded by the agency to adopt all three siblings to keep them together. Within a year she was sleepless with terror that her new son would kill her in her sleep, or burn down her home and kill them all. She had a great relationship with her daughters but was never able to develop any relationship with her son.
Fast forward many years and after years of fertility problems and miscarriages I gave birth to a son who was eventually diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. I don’t have insurance available through my or my husband’s work, instead having to buy it independently. We have NO mental health coverage. We always seem to be just slightly above the income cut-offs for any low cost help. I know the frustration of working so very hard with no results.
Those experiences show me just how little support there is for parents. Parenting is such a hard job with so much conflicting information that I am sometimes surprised at how many kids turn out well. Being the parent of a child with any issues has a stigma attached (how can you not love a child you wanted so badly?) and no one seems to be willing/able to help you. Everyone seems to be ready to judge you an unfit parent.
I also discovered that there is a ton of differences between states and the amount of help available. In California I was on my own, no help, no encouragement, no hope. I moved to Oregon when my son was 10 and discovered that they were willing to bend over backwards to help me with my son. A friend who has a son on the autism spectrum discovered the same when she moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania.
I don’t know what the state that this woman with the Russian child was like. But I understand the isolation, fear and frustration that must’ve led to her difficult decision. I don’t believe she handled it in the best manner, but I can understand her desperation.
Kelley says:
I’m an adoptive parent (and I also hate that term “adoptive”- thanks for adding that we are all just parents) I agree with you, and have had this conversation with others a few times, I can’t say I would keep a child in my home that might harm my other children. BUT, yes, I would try EVERYTHING before I decided to “give him back”. That mom did handle it very poorly. That child needed help and it doesn’t sound like she tried at all to help him before giving up.
I think you said everything perfectly!
Kelley
http://tutusandchoochoos.blogspot.com
Arlene says:
A dear friend adopted 2 non-siblings from Russia 10 years ago after 20 yrs of marriage. Desperate for children, I remember watching videos and picking out the children that would becomes hers, were already hers in her heart. It has been a difficult road. She now lives alone in a cheap apt with used furniture because of the abuse she sustained from her daughter. Labeled with AD, the counselor suggested a home for her (at age 15) but the father refused and instead blamed my friend for no loving the daughter enough and felt the mother needed to move out. The daughter is involved in drugs, and shoplifting in addition to verbally abusing the mother every time my friend brings dinner over to the family.
When she heard about the situation with the mom in TN, she said “I understand”. My friend is a hurt, crushed spirit, mourning a broken family and the guilt that she did not do enough for her kids. There was no help. As others have said, help dried up the minute the adoption was final. Maybe more could have been done, but who knows?
Sunny says:
I’m so sorry for your friend, how sad! Her daughter successfully triangulated between the adults to ensure control of the household
This is what frustrates me when I hear the statements about “you just need to love them enough.” You’re poor friend!
lily says:
I just watched Leap Year and Heather you look just like Amy Adams.
I wish Maddie were here – she is an amazing little girl.
Susan says:
I am a mother of 2 little boys adopted 3 years ago from Russia. On this topic unfortunately I have very strong opinions. We were fortunate enough to get 2 perfect, beautiful, fairly well adjusted little boys. This is not to say that we have not had issues present themselves in that time. No we have not had the children threaten to kill us or deliberately hurt anyone or anything, but MY GOD this is your child!!!!! Not a sweater you can return with a reciept. What bothers me the most about this is she never sought any help, how is this possible if what she was describing happened how is it she never sought help???? Do I think this child is better off now without her as a mother? Yes definetley! Some people were never meant to be parents. When you give birth to a child there are no guarantees, your child could be born with medical problems, mental issues and many other things, but you do not return them.
In no way am I attacking anyone for what they believe I just think that with your children whether adopted or biological you don’t give up you keep trying. Maybe because we were so lucky I don’t have the right perspective. I just hope in the end this little boy gets a wonderful home and this woman will someday be able to live with herself and what she has done.
.-= Susan´s last blog ..Fun Fact Friday =-.
Amy K says:
My mother works for a psychiatrist, and she commented one day on the unusually beautiful young girl she saw leaving his office. “She was adopted from Russia earlier this year, and she’s seeing me because she put out the eyes of her new baby brother with a steak knife,” he told her. If I were the adoptive parents in that situation, I’d like to think that I could find a better solution than sticking her on a plane back to Russia, but I might be so crazy in my grief and guilt that I’d consider anything to keep my family safe. That little girl was the first thing I thought of when I read the news article. So sad.
Ashley Bond says:
A couple yrs ago I read an amazing article on a blog called ‘Is There Any Mommy Out There?’ It was the story of their adoption and it was one of the most heart wrenching situations I have ever read about. They ultimately chose to give up one of their adopted children. I think they made the right choice for their family and their son. Here is the link.
http://www.anymommyoutthere.com/2008/07/disruption-failed-moms-look-back.html
.-= Ashley Bond´s last blog ..I can =-.
Heather says:
Ashley, she is one of my favorite bloggers, and the entire time I filmed this piece I had her story in my mind.
anymommy says:
Well, I was doing okay and now I’m crying. Thank you Ashley and Heather, for recognizing that these situations are not black and white. Of course a child is not a sweater or a dog, or any of the other cute, obnoxious phrases people use to condemn families that are in crisis and can not continue as they are. I can’t address the TN story. She made a terrible decision. But, I can say that yes, some families don’t make it and a second placement can be the correct decision for the child.
I couldn’t watch the video after Maggie and Alice’s introductions. I like them both, I do, but when mothers who have not parented traumatized, RAD spectrum children get all up and judgy on this subject I shut down. And I cry. I guess I’ve heard it all too much in real life.
All I can tell you is that a family that makes a real, careful, professionally supported decision to disrupt is in a family in agony. There are no perfect solutions at that point, there is only the best decision you can possibly make, taking into account every one involved. And then a life time of trying to forgive yourself for failing.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..True north =-.
Heather says:
Oh Stacey. I cry for your hurt. I hope you forgive yourself. I think you are incredibly brave. You are the perfect example of what I hope I would do if I was in that situation.
And by the way, I think what you did is the OPPOSITE of failing.
xoxo
Issa says:
Friend you are not a failure. I am with Heather, I hope one day you can forgive yourself for doing the best you knew to do for him and all of you. You are amazing and brave and I love you.
Sorry Heather, just had to chime in on this, even though I’ve got nothing helpful to add to this post.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Monday rambling, because it’s what I do best =-.
Deanna says:
Heather,
Thank you so much for posting about this topic. Some of the threads have gone off in truly amazing directions.
Stacey –
I read your post after Ashley posted the link and I’ve spent much of the last day reading through your blog. I don’t have adequate words. I just don’t. You are incredible and brave in the face of one of the most heart wrenching, difficult, horrendous situations that any family could ever find themselves in. Incredible and brave and amazing and courageous and so,so NOT a failure. I’m with Heather and Issa and also hope that you can one day forgive yourself. Maybe today?
Anne says:
I am the mother of 3 children. Two bio. sons and my daughter adopted from Russia. I educated myself before adopting and was ready for anything. We had a very smooth transition but just as I am with my sons, I am ready to help her through any problems she ever has. My love for her is no less than my love for my sons. WIth that said, I have read many, many sad stories of children with RAD whose parents had to eventually find a new home for. These are usually horribly heartbreaking and this step was only taken after every other solution had failed. However, to put a child on a plane back to the country of his birth with a note? I can’t believe she cannot be prosecuted. My sister was arested for leaving her sleeping toddler in the running car while she walked her other son into the bathroom. But, you can send your child, an American citizen, to another country with a note saying you are done with him? I just don’t get that.
Veronika says:
Personally, this is the type of situation where I think those who have not walked in those shoes should not be lavishing judgment so liberally. Nobody can say “I would never…” if they have not lived it. That little boy was damaged by his bio parents long before he came into care. The very people who should have protected him with their lives failed him a long time ago. The woman who adopted him certainly did not go into it thinking “We’ll see if it works out.” How does everyone know that she didn’t exhaust every option before she felt she had no other option? Do I think that what she did was ok? Well, no. But nobody outside of the family truly knows what was going on OR what support she had available before she reached breaking point.
That said, this is just another example of how harshly we mothers judge each other. Often times, we get but a brief glimpse into somebody’s reality before we decide how somebody else should be doing things. How sad that we can’t support each other more, instead of jumping to conclusions and judging for decisions made differently.
Katie C. says:
Well said, veronika. I have to agree that mothers shouldn’t be judging other mothers. Bravo for saying it.
Heather says:
Veronika,
I hope you don’t think I am judging, quite the opposite – I am trying to understand. That’s why I asked for parents who have been in this kind of situation to comment. I know when people tell me how they think I should grieve I bristle. I am trying to put myself in her shoes. My eyes have been opened so much today by the comments on this post.
scatteredmom says:
I didn’t feel that you were judging Heather, but some people here are. It’s difficult for people to understand, but unless they have walked in those shoes they won’t ever “get it”. I’ve had a taste and I can understand how the woman must have felt. I’m not condoning her actions, but I believe that for her to get to that point, she must have been very desperate.
.-= scatteredmom´s last blog ..Food Revolution Friday: Picky, Picky =-.
Veronika says:
Yes, what scatteredmom said. I don’t think you are judging at all, but some of the comments are awfully judgmental. When I read about children pushing their mother down the stairs or a mother waking up at night with her (bio) daughter standing over her, asking “Are you dead yet?”, then that is not a situation where I am going to tell a mother what she should be doing or how I would do it. That is not a situation I ever want to live, or one I think I would remotely be able to handle. Amy told above about the young girl who took out her baby brother’s eyes. Can you imagine being the parent in that situation? Can you even begin to imagine? My baby girl is 11 days older than Annabel and I can’t even think what I would do or how I would feel if another child put out her eyes. How do you live with that? It is something I can’t even wrap my brain around, to be honest.
I think this just touched a nerve because yesterday I also read an article in a magazine. Now, I don’t know if you remember this, bit 3 years ago a 4 year old little girl named Madeleine McCann was kidnapped while her parents were on vacation in Portugal. The bulk of the article discusses a letter some woman wrote to them, telling them that it is time to move on with their lives and to stop looking for her. She tells them what they should be doing and what they should be feeling and thinking. And while reading it, the only thing I kept thinking was how she had no right to be telling them anything. An outsider has no right to step into someone else’s personal hell and tell them to forget their daughter and move on and I feel the same about the situation with the adopted boy.
An outsider has no idea of the personal hell this mother went through before she did this. In the video clip, one of the moms (I’m going to admit I don’t know her name) called the woman mentally unstable a couple of times. Until you lived it, you just have no idea.
Scatteredmom says:
I want to point out too that in BC, there is little in the way of mental health facilities for kids, especially teenagers. We as foster parents had to fight for our kids to get the help they needed, and at one point it took a boy standing over Hubs in bed, with a knife in his hand, to get him hospitalized. At that point, the boy thought his socks were snakes and the grass was razor blades. He was 15.
People don’t realize that it’s not a case of “Oh we’ll just take them to the doctor and get help”. In our case, the boy had to have a complete psychotic breakdown before he was taken away, and then they wanted to SEND HIM HOME. Hubs refused to take him back.
Stupid thing? Hubs had been telling people for MONTHS that this boy was developing schizophrenia. Nobody would listen.
I wonder if this mom had tried to get help and nobody would listen to her, so in a moment of desperation she did the only thing she knew she could do; send him back.
.-= Scatteredmom´s last blog ..Mom and Son! [Flickr] =-.
Scatteredmom says:
People should also know that in BC, there is very little in the way of services and supports for families who struggle with kids with mental illness. At one point, Hubs had a 15 yr old in the group home who was developing schizophrenia. He raised the alarm and for months tried to convince people that this boy needed help, but nobody would listen. Finally it took Hubs waking up in the middle of the night to this boy standing over him with a KNIFE to get people to listen. As the paramedics took him away he was screaming that his socks were snakes eating his legs, and the grass was razor blades.
Even at that? The docs in the ER wanted to drug him and then send him HOME.
I don’t think it’s fair to call the mother mentally unstable, or say that what she did says more about her as a parent than it does about the child. It’s easy to say that coming from a stable, middle to upper class situation where your kids are healthy and you’ve never had to deal with severely mentally ill children. It’s entirely possibly that she exhausted all the services she knew how to access and then in a moment of desperation did the only thing she thought she could do.
.-= Scatteredmom´s last blog ..Mom and Son! [Flickr] =-.
Glenda says:
I think whether you adopt or have biologically it is your child, and you just have to deal with it. If it were her biological child would she have gotten help for him? or just give him up for adoption? She gave him back like giving back a dog / cat! I couldn’t do that to my dog! So sad for sure! Sounds like the mother is unstable too.
Katie C. says:
You know, I see both sides of this situation. I can understand that this child ended up being more than this woman could handle and her feeling as if she couldn’t deal with it – but the way that she went about it was completely wrong. That being said, these countries where these children come from completely take advantage of people looking to adopt. Of course they wont admit to a prospective parent that the child they are going to adopt is an attachment disordered child. I am honestly surprised that we don’t hear more of these cases of kids being returned, because so many of them have such severe behavioral issues.
I think the correct thing to do would have been for her to get the kid assistance here – bring him to a mental hospital, children’s home in the states, or some sort of behavioral intervention. Sticking him on a plane is the equivalent to just abandoning your kid at a fire station. I personally feel she should have been prosecuted for this action because that is abandonment.
I have a niece who has Angelman Syndrome, a severe and rare chromosomal abnormality that results in mental retardation, growth delay, seizures, lack of speech, etc. I was looking at the online database of kids in the state of Texas who are up for adoption, and a little girl who also has Angelman’s is up for adoption. Obviously her birth parents saw she wasn’t perfect and just gave her away. It breaks my heart to think of any child as sweet as my niece being given away like that. I guess the parents of that child did the best thing for her, though, because honestly, it is a lifelong commitment to take care of an Angelman’s child. the lady who sent her kid back to Russia probably realized that she would never be able to escape taking care of this kid’s massive problems and freaked out. She did everything in the wrong manner, but honestly, I can’t blame her for being scared. I just wish people would realize that when you have a kid, whether they are bio or adopted, they are YOUR kid and you need to make sure they get the care they need. Even if that means turning them over to the state, at least you are doing it in a legal and cautious manner. Abandoning is just never right.
Jen says:
I think it’s pretty unfair for you to assume that they “saw she wasn’t perfect and just gave her away”. That’s insulting.
Maybe they had already planned for adoption, maybe it was a single mother who already had children and didn’t have the resources for a special needs child, maybe it was a teenage couple.
Maybe that little girl was desperately loved by her parents who know that they woudn’t be able to appropriately parent a special needs child and did the best they could for her.
FruSol says:
How can you say that they “obviously” felt this or that about their daughter? How can you possibly know? And, if the condition is so very rare, and only one girl with this condition is up for adoption – give some thought to her parents, please. Only one person is that little girl’s mother, and you are being very blunt about how she “must” be. She might be reading your words right now.
Katie C. says:
I never said that there was only ONE kid with Angelman’s up for adoption. The fact is, this IS a very rare disorder and one that is very hard to deal with, so I can almost guarantee there are plenty of these kids in the foster care system. Angelman’s is not something that is diagnosed at birth, either, by the way. It is uncommon for it to be diagnosed before the age of 2, actually – my niece was lucky in that we live in the fourth largest city in the country with the biggest medical center in the country, and they were able to figure out what was causing her seizures and failure to thrive. So while I don’t know all of the specifics of the little girl who is up for adoption, I can almost bet that she was placed into foster care at an older age. I am not going to say the parents of the kid are HORRIBLE – I know they aren’t horrible. Because really – can you imagine yourself caring for someone day in and day out who cannot speak, walk, communicate in any way other than pointing at pictures or objects, and has seizures constantly? Could you deal with it? I even said in my original post that they probably did the best thing for her, because if they couldn’t handle it, it is best to give her to someone who can. It is just heartbreaking to me considering I know how special Angelman’s kids are (or ANY kid, for that matter).
I guess I just can’t imagine ever giving my kid to the state regardless of how disabled they were. But then again, there are circumstances that might lead to that. Like the mother could have been poor, or young, or old, or God only knows. I guess just the idea of giving a kid away is heartbreaking to me. Just because your child isn’t perfect doesn’t mean you can’t care for them. But like I said – better to acknowledge that you can’t handle it than to keep the kid and end up hurting them or yourself.
Melissa D says:
I am a mom to a beautiful daughter 12 years old, that I gave birth to, and a 20 month old Bouncy little Girl, and rambuncious almost 3 year old little boy that were born in my heart, through Foster Adoption. They all 3 are MY Children, I would do anything for ALL of them.
I was shocked by the news story, but agree with many of the other posters. This child obviously had an attachment disorder. And it sounds like mom was not educated nor prepared to handle it.
I dont like to judge others, but I think most will agree that this was not the right thing to do.
I can not imagine ever doing anything extreme like sending a child by themselves on a plane!!
Until I became an adoptive mom I had no clue about the things that go along with adoption. Our eyes were opened early on to a whole other spectrum of things that adoptive parents deal with besides the normal. While there are lots of support, resources and information available to help adoptive parents, not everyone asks for help. It is so important that adoptive parents link arms with agengies, resources,and others that are walking a similar path to get the support and encouragement that they need.
I think there are many things that could have been done to help this child, and mother. It is a very sad story.
I also wonder about the agency that helped this mother adopt?? if they were reputable, and did they offer any support at all?
Scatteredmom says:
Honestly, one thing I really wish Momversation would do is when they discuss particular topics, have someone who has experienced something similar (eg a foster or adoptive parenting).
Nobody really knows what the woman was going through. I think it’s fair to say that perhaps, she was desperate.
.-= Scatteredmom´s last blog ..Food Revolution Friday: Picky, Picky =-.
Heather says:
I totally agree – I hope that in the future they look for relevant moms to cast in episodes like this. It would be amazing.
scatteredmom says:
I do find that with Momversation sometimes..there has been other topics and nobody on the panel has had experience with what’s being talked about. Admittedly why I rarely watch it.
.-= scatteredmom´s last blog ..Food Revolution Friday: Picky, Picky =-.
Katie C. says:
Yeah, I agree. The only Momversations I watch are the ones with you, Heather. I think you always have very intelligent and funny things to add, and you always seem very sensitive to others and the subject at hand. I personally find that many other episodes end up coming across as judgmental and annoying, but that just depends on who is being featured. So yeah, not a huge fan of the Momversation here.
Jenni Williams says:
As the parent of a child with autism, I feel very little sympathy for this mother. When you become a parent, through birth or adoption, YOU ARE THAT CHILD’S PARENT FOR LIFE.
If you make the choice to not take care of your child, it is a criminal act. Plain and simple.
Did I get what I planned to get with my first child? Not, at all. There were YEARS where I cried every single day. It was beyond hard and the hard days are far from over. But I chose to be a mom, so I take the hard times with the awesome.
Now in this case, yes this boy is probably better off, BUT this mom should have charges pressed against her. Putting a young, emotional troubled child alone on a plane, alone, is neglectful.
.-= Jenni Williams´s last blog ..Limbo…a little longer =-.
karen says:
I’m glad someone has come up with the issue of charges. Someone must surely must be able to come up with some charges against this woman. It is neglect. And the airline are culpable too.
Jen says:
At the very least it should be “inadequate guardianship” which pertains to not providing age appropriate supervision or for planning for for the safety of your child. That would be a famiyl court charge.
She could also be charged with endangering the welfare of a child. That would be a criminal charge.
If you put a young child on a domestic flight with no supervision and no plan, you can be sure, there would be a charge.
Nichole says:
THANK you for saying “child with Autism” rather than “Autistic Child”.
I know that I’m just being picky…but being child-centered has been drilled into my head for SO long that people putting the dx before the child rubs me the wrong way.
Child first…they are not their diagnosis.
.-= Nichole´s last blog ..…not yet… =-.
The Grown Up Teenager says:
Maybe I’m just making this issue entirely too black and white, but to me, it is.
Babies that come from your womb don’t have a return to sender option because it wasn’t what you expected, and for me, neither do adopted kids. It’s just that simple.
Yes, people give up biological kids, but generally speaking, its because they don’t have the resources to become parents (age, money, willingness, etc etc). People that chose adoption don’t do it on a whim. You chose to adopt, now take care of YOUR child.
Seems simple to me.
Dena says:
I know a family with three biological children. The oldest, a son, has severe mental issues. He has molested both of his sisters, threatened to kill them all, and thousands of dollars. When he was a young teen and this was coming to light, his parents tried to place his somewhere. His mother wanted him gone, the father would not agree.
They would have to have signed away their rights for at least one year at that time and the father would not agree. Now, he is in prison and has been for two years. He’s 20 now and when he gets out they will have a restraining order.
Nobody wants to find another home for their child, whether adopted or biological. Some people have no choice.
.-= Dena´s last blog ..Family Reunion:Last (and favorite) Dish! =-.
Issa says:
Sometimes though, the adopted family doesn’t have the capability for providing for that child either. I’m not talking financially. I’m not talking about not being able to find the resources for therapy and whatever else. I’m talking emotionally and mentally. Sometimes, a child is dangerous to your other children and there is no other choice but to find someone who can care for them. I have a friend who well…I’m thinking it’s called adoption disruption. Because she couldn’t keep him safe and she couldn’t help him and in the end, the safety of her other kids became an issue. Now, she didn’t return him or send him away somewhere, he ended up being re-adopted by a couple who could handle his issues. And it sucks for everyone involved, but it’s also better I believe for everyone involved.
If you adopt an older child and aren’t told anything really about them and you agree to adopt them, you are mis-informed. You are bring a child into your home, not knowing how extreme their problems may be. Which yes, can be an issue anytime with any child. If my friend and her husband had known, it would have changed things.
Sorry friend, you know I adore you. But I had to say this, because it isn’t black and white. Life rarely is.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Monday rambling, because it’s what I do best =-.
The Grown Up Teenager says:
While its true that its a complete gamble, adopting an older child really isn’t any more of a gamble than adopting or having a baby. People have biological children that have mental issues, disorders, and can be at the point of being a threat to other children, but you can’t just “give them back” because it wasn’t on the warning label.
Adoption disruption sucks for everyone involved, and I’m not minimizing the fact that it sucks for the family. But think about the child who’s been given up twice by now…and he/she will likely *remember* it this time. Even the thought of that hurts my heart, but how do you think it feels to a child with mental issues?
I don’t know, I just can’t imagine ever taking in a child, calling them mine, and then giving them away…for any reason. But that’s my take, and I’m not condemning anyone else for thinking or feeling differently.
Scatteredmom says:
“While its true that its a complete gamble, adopting an older child really isn’t any more of a gamble than adopting or having a baby.”
I strongly disagree. When one adopts an older child, you have no knowledge or control over what that child has been through up until the point they are in your care. They may have been through horrific abuse that has damaged them psychologically and have never attached to anyone. You are dealing with the horrific outcome of something that sometimes, the child has been permanently damaged by. I’m not saying that all older kids waiting for adoption are like this, but it can (and does) happen.
I have known kids who:
-were used for kiddie porn by their parents
-were passed to their parents “friends” and sexually abused
-were tortured and sexually abused
-parents used them to fake injuries to get drugs from hospitals
-were left without food or care for days at a time
-watched parents take drugs and make drug deals all the time
-witnessed a parent having sex with multiple partners
-were horrifically beat up on a daily basis
-witnessed parents/sibs having sex with animals
-found a parent who had successfully committed suicide
-were abandoned on the street and left to their own devices
When you have your own child or adopt an infant, even if they have issues of their own, you have had the opportunity to bond with them and be in charge of those circumstances right from the get go.
From my own experience as a foster parent AND a mom to a child with learning disabilities/dyspraxia, there’s a very clear difference.
.-= Scatteredmom´s last blog ..Photo A Day: Biker Babe =-.
Ashley says:
We know of a couple here in our community that did the same with a 4 year old little boy from Haiti. It’s a very long story that has a happy ending. Turns out he was being very abused by his adopted parents here in Canada, they couldn’t cope with the consequence (distraught child after abuse and change to country) so she drove to the airport, put him on a plane and let him go). Friends of ours here had adopted two little ones at the same time from the same orphanage and found out (once he landed) what had happened and had him brought back. They took him in and he’s doing well, but I wonder…these kids feel unloved as it is, what will this do to their emotional developement.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Mother’s Day was last weekend =-.
andrea says:
I’m an adoptive mother. I adopted my son at birth and was lucky enough to be in the room during delivery. An hour after he was born he stopped breathing and basically died in my arms. They had to revive him and whisked him away to the NICU. He was intubated and on a ventilator, etc. The next morning I got a call from my attorney saying that they thought my son was having seizures and they were transferring him to another hospital for tests. The attorney then asked me a question I’ll never forget…”do you still want to proceed with the adoption?” which translates into “do you still want him now that something’s wrong with him?” umm YES . I don’t care if he was born with 3 eyes or 1 foot, he was MY son before he was even born in my eyes. Testing confirmed he wasn’t having seizures. I guess I was given somewhat of a return policy option. Today my son is a happy healthy 3 year old with no medical problems.
Dena says:
Adopting a child who has been traumatized is the hardest thing I have ever done. There isn’t a great prognosis and even social workers advised us against it. Just like anything else in life, unless you have been deep in the thick of it and come out on the other side, you can’t imagine it.
My daughter is now bonded to us (much work!) and is a straight A student. She even became a published author at the age of 11 in Chicken Soup For the Soul. Anything is possible for her. Still, there were days when it was SO hard. I read and was prepared but I never dreamed how hard it would be.
In no way do I condone her actions. She needed help for her son. Yes, he was her son and it seems to taint adoption and make it seem like drive through parenting. It isn’t. I worked hard to bring my daughter home and have fought hard to help her heal. I don’t know the details of the story but it sounds as if she had no support at all with his mental help issues.
No answers to such a tragic story.
Rebecca says:
I read your post and a few of the comments and thought I’d leave a comment…I’m an adoptive parent. We adopted domestically here in the US and have had our baby since she was a newborn so thankfully we were blessed with not having to deal with what this woman dealt with…but I have known of several people who have adopted from Russia who’s children have mental illness and have really struggled with parenting them and seems pretty common with children from there…I’ve also heard for years about some countries not being honest or upfront about a child’s history to the adoptive families as well…And if you’re afraid for your own safety and well-being, that just takes things to a whole new level, so I tend to agree with those that say unless you’re in that situation, don’t be so quick to judge. Although I think she should have handled the situation differently for sure!
I think 99% of adoptive parents love their adopted children like they were their biological children and wouldn’t dream of sending them back….I know we couldn’t love our daughter more….but with a situation like the one the lady in Tennessee was involved in, it’s just a sad situation all around. I feel like she had good intentions when adopting and know she had to sacrifice financially because it’s very costly and she had to have hopes of things turning out differently than they did, so I feel sorry for all involved!
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Us… =-.
Cheryl says:
As an adoptee, I find ANY story of a “returned child” horrifying.
As a mother though? I kinda understand the DESIRE to want to return your child. You know, just for a little while.
Especially when they’re being really horrid and you don’t know what to do, and you’re at your wits end, and you’re a single mom, and you have no help whatsoever b/c your parents are dead and you have no other living family and your daughters daddy isn’t any help b/c he lives in another state, and he doesn’t pay any child support and b/c you THOUGHT you could do it alone but sometimes you’re not sure you can and my gawd, did I mention she’s absolutely HORRID sometimes?
BREATHE.
Nope. I may entertain the notion… but I made her, I gotta keep her. And even if I had adopted her, I’d never feel like I could just send her back. That’s so wrong on a multitude of levels.
I used to worry that MY adoptive parents would send me back. I also always worried and wondered why my birthmother gave me away.
It’s a REALLY shitty thing to feel. I wish more adoptive parents AND birth parents really understood how totally effed up it is for US, the one that gets bought/sold.
Sigh.
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Beachy West Seattle Afternoon =-.
Deanna says:
I’ve been fighting the urge to respond to many of these posts but this one actually made me cry … Cheryl, as the mother of two boys (10 & 7) who had other women give birth to them, I feel very, very sad that as an adoptee you see yourself as having been bought/sold. And make no mistake. I am their mother, NOT their adoptive mother, just their mother. Yes, there are some horrible parents and awful situations out there, I’m not disputing that at all but, you see, most of us who have the unbelievable good fortune to have been gifted with children that other women gave birth to would NEVER, EVER think of those children as having been bought or sold. Those children are ours – no matter that someone else carried them and gave birth to them. They. Are. Ours. My boys are mine. MINE. And they are gifts. Unbelievable precious gifts. That doesn’t mean we don’t have bad days and horrible days and feel frustrated and angry and overwhelmed but there are our kids. Not a commodity to be traded, bartered, bought or sold. They simply started out in the wrong place and ended up where they were supposed to be. With the mothers they were supposed to be with. It breaks my heart that that wasn’t your experience and I pray that my boys will grow up knowing how wanted and loved they are.
Cheryl says:
Deanna,
Thank you for your response. You’re the ONLY one here that I can see that is even paying attention to the fact that are adoptees out there and that WE have opinions about adoption too… and no, most adoptive parents don’t hear us when we state them. Neither do birth parents. I know, b/c I’ve worked for adoption reform for over 20 yrs now in the US w/ organizations like Bastard Nation, Oregon Open, CA Open, and CUB (Concerned United Birthparents).
But that’s another topic for another day.
I just wanted to clarify one thing however wrt your reply. Nowhere did I say I had a BAD adoption experience, or BAD adoptive parents. I truly believe my birthmother was simply a vessel who carried me to my REAL mother. The one that raised me, the one I loved and took care of when she got ill, and the one that I grieve now that she is dead. I feel the same way about my adoptive dad. I only call them my adoptive parents here in this context b/c I want all of you to be clear who I’m talking about. But in my mind, they are simply my parents. And I know they felt the same way about me, that I was simply their child. Just like my younger brother (their biological son) was.
My experience was as good as it could be. I was in foster care for 6 months before I was placed w/ my “Forever Family” (whatever the hell that means). I searched for my biological mother as an adult, NOT because I wanted to reunite with my “Mommy” but b/c I wanted to know the TRUTH OF MY ORIGINS, I wanted to know who I looked like, what my medical history was, where she & my siblings were in their life story, and most of all, any DNA stuff I might need to worry about since I had the intention of having children of my own…
As for commodity, bought, sold, traded, etc. I know that really bums adoptive parents out when I use those terms, but until the adoption system (the CLOSED RECORDS SYSTEM) changes, in ALL states in this country, I will refer to adoption as a legal transaction. B/c it is.
I don’t doubt your love for your boys. I don’t doubt my mothers love for me. But you didn’t come to adoption as a first choice… almost no one does. And that’s okay, but just honor and recognize that there is a lot of emotional stuff that gets you to the place of adoption. Just like there is a lot of emotional stuff for the birth parents to get to THEIR decision to relinquish.
And in all of that? No one ever asks US, the relinquished ones, how WE feel about it, or how it effected US, or what WE wanted. Yeah, we were often infants, so how could we have a voice yet? But I want for ALL adoptees to have a voice. And no, I don’t think the courts or the adoptive parents or the birth parents are the best people for that job. But what can I do? All I can do is keep fighting for OPENNESS in ALL ADOPTIONS so that this kind of fiasco, can’t possibly happen in the first place.
If agencies were 100% forthcoming about presenting ALL information before placing a child w/ a foster or adoptive family. If birthparents were 100% forthcoming about their family/medical history. If adoptive parents were 100% honest about why they are adopting and really truly prepared to be 100% honest w/ their adopted kids about where they came from, and so on…
Are you seeing it?
The system is broken. It’s been broken for over 50 years. It’s a system based on SECRETS and LIES.
That doesn’t mean all adoptions are bad, or that they all go wrong. Obviously that is not even close to the truth. I’d venture to say MOST go quite well and it’s the horror stories that the media gloms onto that make everyone stand back and gasp.
So Deanna… I’m so glad to hear you love your two boys and think of them as YOURS. All I ask is that you are careful with your language. Don’t use “rescuing” terms like “gifts” or “they started out in the wrong place” or “ended up where they were supposed to be” or “wanted” or “chosen” or …
Your boys are young. You don’t know yet how their being adopted will make them feel over time. You don’t know yet if they will be bothered by not knowing who’s eyes they have, or who’s nose, or who’s aptitude for science and art they have, etc.
It’s complicated. It’s not easy. Parenting never is. Whether you gave birth to them, acquired them through adoption or marriage, etc. it doesn’t really matter. And no, love is NOT enough.
As a mom now, I can FINALLY see how much my mom really did love me as if I were her own. I never fully believed that. And she spent her ENTIRE life trying to reassure me that I was hers, connected and fully hers. I felt insecure not because SHE made me feel insecure or unloved or “wrong”, but b/c the very nature of being given away at birth by my biological mother made me feel insecure.
My birthmother had four children. She kept her oldest and gave the other three away. This was in the mid to late 60’s. My brothers have NO interest in meeting her or getting to know her. But they are thrilled to know me, and our oldest sister.
It is what it is. I wasn’t “lucky” … I just had to find my way. And it’s too bad my mom is gone now, b/c I’d so like to tell her how much I love her too, as if she was MINE.
Thanks for hearing me Deanna.
XOXO
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Beachy West Seattle Afternoon =-.
Cheryl says:
Oops. Sorry for the typos… who’s = whose
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Beachy West Seattle Afternoon =-.
Deanna says:
Hi Cheryl,
Thanks for the response back. I do hear you and I would love to get some further guidance from you if you don’t mind. First let me say that I’m happy to hear that your experience wasn’t bad and that you consider the mother and father that raised you to be your parents. I’m sorry that your mom is no longer with you.
You’re right. Adoption wasn’t my first choice. As you pointed out, it rarely is, and there was a tremendous amount of emotional stuff that got me there (5 years of fertility drugs, 5 miscarriages etc) and there was a lot of emotional stuff behind the birthmoms’ decisions but I truly believe that my boys are gifts — just like they would be if they had been born to me — and that we were meant to be together as a family. I hear what you’re saying about rescue language and would like to understand better from your perspective. I get why some of the rescuing terms/phrases might not be good to use but why not gifts? Saying that they are gifts is not limited to their adoptions. I try to teach my boys that ALL of the good things in their lives are gifts and that we should all be grateful for the good things in our lives. Also, my oldest son’s name is Matthew, which means gift from God and he’s very well aware of that. He seems (at this point anyway) to be happy about that and did a project about it in school when he was in second grade. Please help me to be careful with my language. What words do you think are better to use?
You’re right. My boys are young and I don’t know how they will feel about being adopted when they get older. We’ve always been very open about it and they’ve always known that they’re adopted. I didn’t want them to ever have this pivotal moment that they could look back on and say that their lives changed because they found out they were adopted. They also have 2 cousins who are adopted and a number of friends so I don’t think they feel alone in it, although you never know. We don’t talk about it constantly and shove it down their throats but it’s not the elephant in the room either. I’ve also always been very open about questions and letting them know that they can always ask whatever they want.
So now let me ask you about the point that you raised about adoptees having a voice. I think that all children should have a voice and adoptees are no different. My struggle is with how much detail to give them and when. I believe that they have a right to know where they came from and they have a right to as much of their backgrounds and birth families’ information as possible. However, as their mother, I have to balance their desire for and right to information with giving them information that will likely cause even more damage. Our struggle will also be with the difference in my boys’ adoption situations and the inherent unfairness in that one will be able to have his questions answered and one will probably not. My oldest son’s birthmother was in the US illegally and was beyond poverty stricken. She left an older son in Central America to come here. We have no idea what town she came from. We have no idea who the birthfather is, except that he was not from here. We believe she was raped. She had a very complicated personal situation, was terrified that her “husband” would find out about the baby and couldn’t get out of the hospital and away from all of us fast enough. I highly doubt she wants to be found and she has a very common name and may or may not still be in the country which will make locating her difficult at best. How much of this should he eventually know? I have no idea what to eventually tell him. He’s a child who has some medical and learning disabilities and who internalizes things and doesn’t like to talk much. How much of this information can he handle? I don’t know. My younger son also has an older sibling but I’m in touch with his birthmother so when he gets older, he’ll be able to contact her, talk to her, have his questions answered and have a relationship with her, his sister and the rest of the family if he chooses to do so.
Thanks for listening.
Deanna
Traci says:
How I have battled with this story…I have lived it. I am the (adoptive) mother of six kids from the United States. All of my children were from my local county and had been removed due to abuse/neglect from their biological parents. Going in I knew this. I knew that things would be difficult, that there would be lots of challenges. I felt ready to handle my kids.
I was wrong. First, when you take in a child as a foster/adoptive parent you are not always given all the information available. Sometimes you are blindly going in and hoping for the best. Did I expect potential mental illness? Yes. Did I expect learning disabilities? Yes. Was I prepared to be held hostage by the whim of twin boys so damaged that they physically abused ME and the other children in the home? No. A violent outburst here and there could have been managed but my boys threatened my life (and of all those in our home) daily…mulitiple times daily. They lied and manipulated others to believe that they were innocent and being misunderstood.
Did I put them on a plane and send them back to the county? No. I think the woman in Tennessee made a horrible choice. Could I understand how she could get to that point? Yes. Absolutely, yes.
Somehow, some way it needs to be easier to seek help for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. For those who have been so severely abused that they may never be able to live with a typical family. It took 7 years to get my boys into proper treatment, out of the home. I don’t know that they will ever be well enough to come back. If they do come back the local county social services has threatened to remove my other children. It’s a double edged sword…abandon two or fail to protect 4. Luckily, they are still qualifying for the services they are getting.
I don’t even know if I’m making any sense at this point. It is such an emotional topic for me. I can totally understand and sympathize with the mother in Tennessee. It is hard to get help and giving up seems like the easiest solution more often than not. While I wouldn’t have made her choice personally…I can definitely understand the desperation she must have felt.
Melany says:
One of our children is via adoption… and I wrote a little blog post inspired by this situation awhile back. I don’t express much opinion on the situation because none of us really know all the facts. And MOST of us – even “adoptive parents” have never been in this situation. Life is rarely black and white, so much comes into play. I was sickened by 1) some of the reactions of other adoptive parents I know – SO judgemental and 2) how the media tried to make this ALL about adoption. It isn’t.
My post:
http://brotherandlittlebitty.blogspot.com/2010/04/our-success-story.html
.-= Melany´s last blog ..Mother’s Day and Flood Recovery 2010 =-.
brooke says:
i can’t speak from a parental standpoint, as i am not a parent… but i can speak as someone that has been responsible for the well-being of a person suffering with sometimes severe mental illness.
as many people have said above… you can’t possibly know how you will react until you’ve walked in those shoes.
my fiance is bipolar w/ mixed mania, sometimes suffers from psychosis, and has generalized anxiety disorder. he also has an extremely high IQ. when he is healthy (which requires a monitored combo of medications/ cognitive-behavioral therapy/and lifestyle modifications) he is one of the most loving, fun, intelligent, charismatic people you could come across. when he is unhealthy, he is nearly unrecognizable as that person.
no matter how high someones IQ may be, or how old they may be, or how much they know about their illness, when it causes irrationality, lack of trust (even to those they are closest to), paranoia, and makes them almost completely devoid of self-control, the person caring for them is likely going to walk parts of hell most can never fathom. there is no way to know how you will react in these situations.
my fiance and i willingly chose one another, in healthy mindsets (unlike this adopotive situation, where the child didn’t have the initial trust, relationship, etc,). he was honest about his illnesses and we talked at length about how they affect him, but until his first unbalanced state hit, i had no idea the magnitude of the stress that comes with seeing that he get the care he needed.
when he is healthy, people envy our relationship. we’ve been called “the perfect match” and all that jazz. when he is illness gets out of control, it’s a whole different story. i have had him attempt to overdose on medication in front of me while i was in tears begging him not to with a phone in my hand calling for help. i have gone many sleepless nights to watch him to make sure he didn’t harm himself because in the throws of illness he no longer trusts me, his doctors, or himself and as much as we may try to intervene, he will fight against pretty much anything anyone suggests out of fear that we are trying to control him and don’t have his best interests at heart. he is an adult, so we cannot act on his behalf to get him hospitalized unless he has verbalized a threat of harm to himself or others. he has a high IQ, he knows this rule, so he will say he is not suicidal right up until he makes an attempt. i have experienced him suffering a complete psychotic break, where he was unable to distinguish reality from the hallucinations he was suffering from. during that break, i managed to get him to agree to go to a hospital, and then found myself having to hold on to him to get him to not jump out of a moving vehicle on the way there. he readily admitted that not only was he a harm to himself, he was a harm to everyone and anyone in his path because he was unable to tell who was real, or what their intentions were. when we finally got him into the ER, we had to call in a team of nurses to handle him as he tried to strangle himself with a bedsheet in front of us. these experiences are TRAUMATIC to all involved, especially those of us closest to him, and like any trauma, you don’t know how you’re going to react until you’re in the situation.
not everyone can cope with a life where you know you will be traumatized by a loved one when you are doing everything in your power to care for and love that person. it’s unjust, and hard to swallow. but it’s also unjust and hard to swallow for the ill person. then imagine once your illness is controlled again, having to face up to the awful things that you did in that irrational state. fighting mental illness can be like fighting a war, where at times, your own army is firing on you. what i think most benefits anyone caring for someone with mental illness is finding out all you possibly can about what help is available to you, what support systems there are, etc. i think adoption programs should counsel potential parents of ill children on all these things ahead of time, to give both parent and child the best chances of forging a fulfilled life with one another. in some ways, it’s like enlisting as a soldier, it’s not something to take lightly or decide with misconceptions.
Nicole says:
Babies are incredibly sensitive to attachment issues early in life. Children who have been institutionalized for as little as six months show differences from un-institutionalized kids, and ones who don’t get out until they’re after two face dramatic challenges.
I don’t know how much of that information is shared with parents interested in international adoption, but it’s false hope to believe that older kids coming out of institutionalization just need love. They need love, a parent with a thick skin, and the realization that no matter how smart they are or how healthy they seem, these children are inherently far far more work than a child adopted from birth.
Erica says:
I work with kids who had attachment disorders and who have been through severe trauma or neglect. It is incredibly hard to tell a foster parent or prospective adoptive parent what it is going to take to raise this child. Many parents think “all they need is love”. If only it was that easy…
Dixie says:
I’m an adoptive parent of an adult daughter and a long-time fosterparent of 124 newborns. I am also a retired teacher and special education administrator. Regarding the story of the mom who returned her son, I think there is probably a lot that we do not know about that situation and I think many assumptions have been made. I do know that if that had been me, I would have done everything in my power to help my child and myself. But, I also know that some children are so mentally ill or damaged so badly by their previous situations that it isn’t safe for them or their families to live in a typical family situation. There are no easy answers and as the previous poster said…love is not always enough.
Susan says:
I lived with an adoptive brother who had RAD (attachment disorder). Back in the early 1980’s my parents adopted him as a 5 year old boy, from the foster system in our city. My parents were unaware of the severe emotional, physical, and verbal abuse he had suffered up to being put into the foster system at age 4. (His bio mother tried to commit suicide with him in the car and managed to paralyze herself and at that point he was taken out of the home. This was uncovered after the adoption!) We all thought we would just love this adorable little guy enough that he would be fine after working out the kinks and developing trust. Well, let’s just say that you don’t know what crazy is until you find yourself at the mercy of a manipulative, threatening, cute as can be kid! After 7 years of going all over the country searching for help, running into brick walls in the local system, having people start to say that you’re the problem, my parents were at the end of their rope. They had spent their life savings on therapy, were at the brink of divorce, we all slept with our doors locked, the elderly family dog was kicked down the stairs by him. I walked into the kitchen one day when he was 11 and he had just lit the trash can on fire and flames were shooting toward the ceiling. He had to go or the rest of us were in severe danger. Our home was being held hostage by him. Not even Boys Town was willing to take him. When he was 12years old we finally found a psychiatric hospital that would take him for a year before he finally ended up at Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch in TX. (A godsend!). My parents spent the next 15 years paying off his year at the psychiatric hospital.
All of this to say that when I heard about the situation of the mom putting her son on the plane back to Russia, I said to my husband “I bet it is a case of RAD”. No parent would do something that loony until they reached their absolute breaking point. Well, obviously there are problems with parents who have kids and abuse them to the point that they have these crippling disorders. I don’t feel rage for my brother and what he has done to my family. I feel rage towards a mother who would abuse her child and deprive him of what he and all of us need: LOVE!
I am the mom of six boys and I can’t imagine going through what my parents went through. I told my husband that I would never adopt a child unless it was from birth, because a lack of love can lead to a lifetime of heartbreak. Rationally I know this is not all cases, but honestly I couldn’t live through that again. The scars are deep.
tonya says:
Obviously, this woman was pushed to a place that most of us cannot relate to. She was not warned about the child’s issues by those whose care he’d been in. She clearly did not educate herself on the potential issues he could have. Her agency obviously did not do its job in preparing her. Everything she did to disrupt the adoption was upon the advice of an attorney. Her mother accompanied the child on the first leg of his trip, and a person in Russia was paid to meet the child once he landed. Would I have handled the situation as she did? I like to think not, but how can I say? Life’s hardships have taught me to not be so quick to say what I’d do, to be careful when using the word never, and to try to look at situations like this with compassion for all involved. I’ve seen this topic discussed elsewhere, and it’s only here, Heather, that I’ve seen so many understanding people who say, “You know what? I don’t agree with her actions, but I’m not gonna judge.” How refreshing.
schoolofmom says:
Technically, any kids are “returnable,” even the ones you give birth to. I’ve seen teenagers dumped on DCS by their parents who screwed them up with a “take him, I’m done,” and a TPR. I’m a foster parent, in Tennessee, and I have to say that 1) adoption agencies drop you like a hot potato after the fact, including foster-adoption and 2) if this lady lived in a county school district as opposed to a city school district, services available to her would be close to nil. I know this from fighting with the county for services for my autistic son. We actually ended up moving to get the therapies he was by law entitled to, because I just couldn’t handle arguing with the district any more after almost a year. They did things like give him a gifted & talented test and used his scores on that to “prove” that he didn’t qualify for any services.
I know from working with my current foster placement, who has a physical disability, that if you aren’t assigned a social worker who’s been on the job less than a year, you can forget getting a call back in less than a week, and you can definitely forget getting services in less than six months. Everybody’s overworked and underpaid, it’s the nature of the system.
So, all that to say, I completely and totally understand this woman’s actions. Her actions were a final, desperate cry for help, not a “return to sender” on an unwanted package. I’d like to think I wouldn’t do it, but I’ve never had my life threatened by an 8-year-old, either.
Kristi says:
My sister adopted a little boy (now 4 years old)and is really struggling with him. He is constantly biting and lashing out at his cousins and other children. He is very destructive and knows no boudries. My sister states she doesn’t feel like a “Mom” to him because he won’t emotionally connect to her… sometimes I wonder if he would be better off with someone that knew better how to deal with his challenging behavior.
C says:
My situation is a bit different but related. I grew up with an older brother and sister. My sister is 12 years older and was a great child, but as a young adult had bad addiction problems. Starting with alcoholism, then onto a cocaine habit. She was on the streets for years. Lied to my parents and stole from them (and me). She put her fist threw a stained glass window once. 5 feet tall and 98 pounds of fury, I call her.
My brother is 8 years older, grew up with learning disorders and behavior problems from an early age. He stole things from us, from others, broke into cars and homes and got into fights. He spent lots of time in juvenile hall and is now in prison for his second violent offense. The first was sexual assault and the second was rape.
My parents loved them and were always there for them. Too much, in fact. Always bailing them out and giving them second chances. I believe my sister would have gotten help sooner (she’s doing okay now) if she would have been given some tough love. The same for my brother. He calls home from prison often and my dad talks to him like he’s getting ready to come home any day now. He’s not. And he probably shouldn’t. I won’t talk to him and my sister gets mad at me for that. But she doesn’t know all the reasons and I won’t share them with her so we’re going to have to agree to disagree.
I had a pretty normal life. I was a bit of a smart ass growing up but no trouble like either of them. I always questioned how I was so different…. how I didn’t end up like that. Not to mention the very obvious personality differences between me and my entire family. I always felt disconnected from all of them, but we have always had a perfectly amicable relationship.
Then one day last year at the age of 29, I got a facebook message from a woman who was “looking” for me. That seemed weird. Who would look for me, and why? After some back and forth, I find out that she is my birth mother. It was one of those Lifetime movie situations (15 and pregnant). I was never told I was adopted (cue new Lifetime movie).
So, my parents biological children had all the problems. I was adopted (from birth) and didn’t have any. That was probably very difficult for my mom.
And with regards to the topic of not feeling connected with an adopted child. It was true for my family. I never felt very close to them, to my mom especially. We still aren’t close and this whole issue of finding out I was adopted has been really tough for her. She can’t accept it.
I must say though, as upset as I’ve been that they didn’t tell me I was adopted (even when I asked, “Am I adopted?” because I had the feeling I was) I’m still very thankful that my parents didn’t treat me any differently because there was no connection. They could have. But it was still better for me to grow up in 1 home (I hesitate to say stable), with 1 family (again, not going to throw out “stable”). Still…. I would rather have grown up with them, even through all the craziness and never quite feeling like I belonged, then being passed around different foster homes.
It was tough for them but tough for me too. I witnessed way too much for a young child. I’m getting to know my birth mother now and I am hesitant to tell her everything that happened when I was growing up because I don’t want her to feel worried that she gave me to the wrong family (she picked them from many options). I’m blogging about all of this at christinaamber.blogspot.com.
The truth is, any child can have problems – biological or otherwise. We have to learn from each other’s experience and wisdom. But then also consider that each child is an individual. I am not a mom and I don’t envy the difficulty. I truly wish for everyone to find their way through these problems and make it out unscathed. Not everyone in my family has.
Cheryl says:
C,
You hit the nail right on the head.
Biological children can ALSO be effed up and dangerous and addicts and mentally ill and scary and …
I grew up as the oldest of two kids in my adoptive family, my brother was THEIRS biologically. I wasn’t. He and I are SOOOooooOO different, it’s uncanny. And guess who took care of our parents when they were dying? No, it wasn’t my brother. He wasn’t anywhere to be found when they needed him.
In my birth family I was the youngest of 4 kids, all of us w/ different fathers. We’re ALL normal and successful. Our birthmother has Bi-Polar disorder and is all kinds of messed up about why that is, and why she gave some of us up, but not all…
Families are rarely “perfect” no matter how they were made. Just sayin’.
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Beachy West Seattle Afternoon =-.
C says:
Cheryl, I will have the same experience, I’m sure. My parents trust me more then their own 2 children. And my sister hates it. She’s so greedy and I know that the day they pass away will be made even worse by her. She’ll want to rummage through their things.
Here’s an example… when she found out I was engaged the first thing out of her mouth was, “What ring did she get?” (my dad told her over the phone while I was standing there… he always wants to be the one to share good news). She asked that because she wanted to make sure I didn’t get passed down any of the rings she wants from my mom or grandma. She’s a charming gal!
I’m a bit sad for everyone who doesn’t have the chance that I have had with my bio-mom. She’s super sweet and nice and normal! I just had an evening with her on Saturday and she met some of my oldest friends. I’m really lucky. I also felt an instant connection with her that I never felt with my mom. It’s been crazy. Of course I don’t think of bio-mom as a mom. My mom’s still my mom. Always will be!
Do you have a good relationship with your other half-siblings? I hope so! I have a teenage half-sister (sister from another mister she calls me). She’s very sweet but quiet.
dI says:
Heather,
I don’t think that I have ever sent a comment on your site before but as a biological mother to two children and an adoptive mother to one I thought I would reply. If it was your birth child that was acting this way you would do everything in your power to do whatever you could to make life better for your child. Why should it be any different for a adopted child. Sure if you really want to you can give up your parental rights to your birth children and people will always look down on you for doing so , saying things like how could you just give up on your son/daughter. It shoudln’t be any different for an adopted child from what I learned from having to take the foster/adoptive parenting classes where I live unfortunately alot of kids that are in the process of adoption or have been adopted are returned to either the state if they are in states custody or given up for adoption because they can’t handle them….they got divorced….whatever reason. I just don’t feel as a parent that it should be so easy just to give up someone you are supposed to love and protect your whole life. I am sure everyone has their own opinion to this it is a really strong issue. All I can say is I would never imagine giving up on any of children, I love them all the same. My baby know’s he is adopted because I would never imagine him finding out from someone else. All I have ever said to him is your birth mom really couldn’t take care of you and I can but remember she loves you. When he feels different because he is adopted I just tell him to remember that means he is special because i got to pick him and that gives him a special place in my heart and he is back to feeling like himself, the loved/special little boy he is.
eliza says:
Catching up on old posts…you are so adorable and sensible. One of the things I love about you is that you are never preachy, yet you always manage to speak your mind in a powerful way.
DeAnna says:
I have blogged at some length about our decision to disrupt our fost-adopt situation. We knew enough about RAD to know that we could not handle this from the very beginning. Our mistake was to put faith in a social workers assessment of a child’s ability to attach when we should have simply looked at her history and seen how the first 7 years of her life were stacked against her in this regard.
I agree that having a child legally adopted does make a difference in the level of responsibility expected. In our case, the social workers involved began calling us “forever family” to our girls, which also elevated things from a simple foster care situation (we see this as another mistake), since our girls did have the expectation of staying with us. But ultimately, trying “everything” to make it work means different things to different people since we all have different capacities.
I discovered two things that were beyond my capacity. One is to be a good parent to a child that was unlovable (and anyone who knows anything about RAD knows what I am talking about). I was a wonderful parent to our 4-year old, who I did love and experienced mutual attachment, but was a terrible parent to her sister. The other was to publicly carry and restrain a this 7-year old child of a different race, which was sometimes necessary for her own safety and what was recommended by our attachment therapist.
Although the setup for our situation was not good, I do think the way the ending happens is so important. Often these kids do not even get a goodbye. We did a special therapy session with tears and love and no blame in order to stay goodbye. I made them gifts to remember us by and researched their past to create photo albums that included the time before they were ever with us.
The whole putting a kid on a plane thing does seem weird, but perfectly safe and how can I judge knowing nothing about international adoption, what happened in their home or what their goodbye was like?
DeAnna says:
My husband pointed out that there are ways of legally dealing with dissolution through legal channels and this actually is a case of child abandonment. I didn’t see a way to delete my original comment.
.-= DeAnna´s last blog ..Bumper Sticker Liberals =-.
pickel says:
I’m an adoptive mom of two boys: one from Russia (special needs) and one from Guatemala. My oldest, from Russia, is very much like Justin and we have VERY difficult days even though he has been home almost 5 years. He is bipolar, has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, has several learning disabilities, has sleep disorders and sensory processing disorder.
I never asked for a child with special needs and I certainly never asked for one who was violent. However, he is my son and I would never send him back or find a new home for him. I find him help.
That said, I do understand the helplessness and depression one feels. Everyone wants a perfect child, right? And, when you can’t have one of your own and adopt you expect that child to fulfill your fantasies. When that doesn’t happen you’re left floundering.
It’s hard to overcome those feelings of despair as well as deal with the issues the child has at the same time.
.-= pickel´s last blog ..Allergy-Friendly Cookies =-.
Laurel says:
I am saddened by a lot of judgment I hear, from people who have not walked in this woman’s shoes … who have not walked the journey of international adoption of an older child … who know nothing of living the daily h*ll that RAD can bring.
I am the mother of 10 bio. children. My husband and I adopted 3 siblings from Ghana in 2008. Fifteen months after bringing our children home, we discovered that there had been abuse between the siblings for many years (starting in their remote mud hut village).
We had 5 younger children to protect.
We knew that neither the abuser nor the victim could walk through the difficult process towards healing, if they continued to live in the same home.
We chose to find a new family for our son. We knew that he needed a family that did not have younger children.
Because our son had RAD, he was not attached to us. He was excited to go to a new family who could give him all of the “things” that he wanted. He loves his new iPhone, iPod Touch, Stereo system, etc… and all of the freedom his new family gives him. We hope and pray that they will be able to work through his RAD … that they will be able to provide the healing that he needs.
While we “stuck it out” through the rages … the lying … the stealing … the killing of birds … the running away … when we discovered the ongoing abuse …
We knew that our time with him was over.
We knew that we had to protect our younger 5 children.
We knew that we had to provide a safe place for the youngest victim to recover from years of abuse.
We have been judged and condemned.
We have been gossiped about.
We lost most of our friends, because they did not understand our decision.
We have had a CPS investigation based on false allegations (from someone that was mad that we had decided to disrupt our adoption).
We did what we knew we had to do.
Please don’t judge … unless you have truly walked in my shoes.
Laurel
(our story can be found in the archives of my blog, under “The Crisis”)
.-= Laurel´s last blog ..Would You Like to Save Money at the Grocery Store? =-.