Madeline cleaned up during her first Christmas. She got tons of clothes, toys, ride-on cars, you name it. Girlfriend got anything she could ever want. Mike and I made the decision to put some toys away and bring them out slowly. She certainly didn’t need 187 new toys all at once. So, the toys were stacked in a neat pile in the closet underneath her new clothes she needed to grow into.
She didn’t get to use any of them.
Before Annabel was born, I remembered the dresses and shirts and pants that still had the tags on them. I knew I wanted Annie to use them, so I didn’t pack them away. She’s just started to fit into some of those clothes now. I’m glad they’re getting use, and when I see how the clothing fits on Annie’s little body I can close my eyes and see them on Maddie.
A couple days ago, as I was cleaning out my closet, I came across one of those toys we’d set aside for Maddie. Annie plays with a lot of Maddie’s old toys, but there are a few we have put away because the songs they play are too hard for us to hear (and not in the annoying kid-toy way).
I knew Annie needed something different and interactive, so I took the toy out of its packaging and brought it over to her. Annie’s mouth dropped open, and she crawled right over. I pushed the buttons so the toy would light up and play music, and Annie squealed and clapped with delight.
It was exactly what Maddie used to do when she got a new toy.
Watching Annie play happily was bittersweet. It was an almost-perfect moment.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
What a precious gift, for a precious girl from her amazing big sister. Hugs to you, Heather.
Veronika says:
{{ hugs }}
Elle says:
I was thinking how when Annie gets older she’s going to be so proud and have even more love than she does now for her big sister. I know it’s not the same as having her here but Maddie lives on in Annabel.
I’ve been sick and was reading your blog earlier while I was in bed. When my hubby brought our daughter in for goodnight kisses, I gave her extra kisses and hugs. You and Mike are in my thoughts. Extra big hugs go out to you.
Jayne says:
I’m sure Maddie would be so proud to be able to pass her toys on to her lovely little sister, and I think you should be proud of yourself too, I think in your situation many parents would be precious and covetous with even the tiniest item belonging to Maddie, but the fact that you’re letting Annie share them shows what an amazing and wonderful Mummy you really are.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Thinking of you…
Jenn says:
AAahhh, so many bitter/sweets moment for you as of late. Such heart ache. Sending you a warm hug. Sometimes life isn’t fair….it sucks. I’m sorry…..I’m just….so so sorry.
Heather says:
When I lost my Olivia (preterm still) I packed up all of these newborn clothes and items I had picked out in anticipation or her arrival. Some of them I was able to put on my now oldest daughter… some of them I just couldn’t. I had imagined O in her coming home outfit and couldn’t bring myself to take them out. I felt like I was betraying O
I regret it. I’m glad you are able to let Annie delight and grow up with a keener memory of her sister than I did mine.
I’m so sorry it is so bitter sweet, but as someone who went in the other direction, you should be proud of your strength.
Glenda says:
That’s awesome that Annie gets to wear and play with Maddie’s things. She’d be a happy and proud sissy. My daughter used my niece’s clothes and shoes 5 yrs later. My niece passed at 1yr from congenital heart failure. When my sister-in-law would come visit when my daughter was one and she wore the dresses my sister-in-law couldn’t get enough of her. Bittersweet indeed. Sending you hugs!!!
Deborah says:
(((endless hugs)))
Lisa says:
Very bittersweet.
Love and hugs mama.
momof2 says:
You know, I think all mommas feel this way about hand-me-downs. I find it very bittersweet to see my youngest zooming around on the toy car that my son–10 years ago now!–used to love with all his being. I imagine my mother feels similarly when she sees my daughter in some of my old clothes. Impossible to stop time, but we all wish we could!
LisaJ says:
I can just picture Annie’s face lighting up and the clapping that ensued! Saeryn’s little mouth goes into this “O” when she gets super excited, and I am obsessed with making it happen. Watching a child fall in love with a toy and go nuts over it is such a precious moment to have.
You now, it’s funny…I saved a couple of items from when my oldest was S’s age…and I don’t think I ever put her in most of them. And I really regret it. Sometimes it binds the moments together so beautifully, giving you a flash of yesterday that is all too precious. Saeryn has a resemblance to her older sister, but there is that element that is all her own, too.
Thinking of you today.
Lisa
Only in Louisiana - documenting the adventures of life says:
My heart aches for you….keep trudging forward….you are making it one step at a time.
Melissa says:
This made me smile and teary at the same time.
suzanne says:
I wish it could be perfect for you, but I’ll take almost-perfect. I really admire your strength in celebrating Madeline, depite the bittersweetness that it brings, and making her such an integral part Annie’s childhood. I think Annie will grow up knowing how devoted you are to your girls, and what it means to love someone completely, unconditionally and forever. That’s a rare and special gift. Cheers and peace to you.
Elizabeth says:
Thinking of you….
Angie M. says:
oh and i bet maddie was right there with her enjoying the toy too.
hugs heather!
xoxo
Trisha Vargas says:
I am sure that was especially hard on you Heather. I understand you wanting to keep some things of Maddie’s close to your heart and sacred, things just for you and Mike to cherish. I think it’s pretty awesome though that Annie gets to share in some of those things and be that much closer to Maddie.
Big (((HUGS))) from Florida
Gale says:
Reading your blog makes me think a lot about what I would do if anything ever happened to my son. I think about where I might safely store a lock of his hair. I think about how I might sleep with his monkey every night. I think about whether I would curl up for naps in the glider in his empty room. But until today I hadn’t thought about the sounds of particular toys. And yet I know that there would be some that would strike me deep in my gut.
You are brave in so many ways, Heather. I’m so sorry that Maddie isn’t here to see it. But I’m so thankful that Annie is.
Tara. says:
I’m glad you’ve healed some to allow those memories and toys to be used by Annie. Maddie would have been more than happy to share her toys and clothes with her baby sister. I’m so sorry that some of those sounds and songs are painful to hear-hoping that Annie playing with them will help ease some of that sadness you feel in the songs when you see how much joy they bring to her, seeing how happy those same sounds make her.
Rebecca says:
Adding to the good memories. Both girls know they are loved dearly.
Snickrsnack Katie says:
I have things that I bought for my baby that are still in a specific spot in my closet… My baby died before she was born last year, and I haven’t been able to get pregnant since. Sometimes I look at the items and wonder if I should give them away. Other times I figure I will keep them and use them for another baby. And then I think maybe I will just put them in a box and never touch them… It is so hard… I do know that Madeline would be thrilled that her sister is using her toys. And I am sure that Annie is thrilled, too.
stuckinmypedals says:
What a beautiful moment. Heartbreaking and joyful all at once. Thanks for sharing.
Laurie SL says:
I love your posts, even the ones that are difficult to read and make me cry. I cried when I read your post yesterday, it brought me to tears. I wanted to comment, but didn’t, but I will now. You are so strong and your story always touches deep in my heart. I grieve with you, in my own far away way. I’m so glad that Annie is there to help you think about how Maddie would be playing that toy or wearing those clothes. I know it brings little comfort, if any, but I just wanted to let you know that Maddie is special to me, even though I’ve never met her. Hope your days look brighter and your little Annabel claps and smiles and brings a smile to your face too.
Nikki says:
Wishing you more moments that bring you a smile to your face as you see how your beautiful daughters can still share things despite the circumstances.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Kristin says:
{{{Hugs}}} to you and your beautiful girl.
Kristy H says:
When my sister passed away, my Mom put away most of her toys and clothes. She had my sister about a year and a half later and only brought out a few items, I could always see in her face it made her sad.
I named my daughter after my sister and the first thing my Mom did was give me some of her outfits and stuffed animals that had been stored for so long. When I brought my daughter over in one of the outfits, I noticed that she didn’t seem sad but she talked about remembering when my sister wore the outfit and after many years, she could finally look at everything and smile about them. She said for a long time it hurt, and still does, but seeing someone else she loves with them, makes it hurt less.
You and Mike are such wonderful, strong parents and I think Maddie is very proud of you and happy that her little sis gets to play with her toys!
amourningmom says:
I struggled with our twins playing with their brother’s (who passed away) stuffed animals. They play with them and it is so bittersweet. Take care.
amanda says:
So sweet. Love.
Lissa says:
Beyond everything, the darkness and shadows of the tragedy of Maddie’s death and the brilliance and light of her life and of Annie’s life, there is this beautiful truth: you LOVE them. And cherish them with an intensity that so many of us forget to feel about almost anything. And the horror and terror of what happened to Maddie doesn’t stop you from remembering her or from loving Annie with every ounce of your being.
There is this amazing thing I have seen through reading your posts, and that I always think about when I read comments. So often there are comments (usually in regards to the Annie/Rigby videos) wondering if Annie will be amused and/or embarassed about all these hilarious videos her babyhood. What I imagine is Annie reading this blog in its entirety. Seeing firsthand not only the soul-deep love and dedication to her big sister, but how, despite the agony that you and your family were going through, how SHE was a flame of life and love and hope that you always cherished and CELEBRATED with all your souls. Because just as Maddie was your firstborn love, Annie is just as loved. And I think that years from now, reading your many posts and seeing your words as you lived them, she will feel even more like the luckiest child on earth. And THAT is something, as a mother, to be proud of.
Love,
~Lissa