Last week I finally had my tooth ache fixed by my super awesome dentist. I’m not afraid of dentists, but I am not a fan of pain. For some reason (and my dentist, Dr. Dento, has verified this) I have a very high tolerance to all forms of mouth anesthesia, so I always go to my dentist super hyped-up and nervous. It takes like 30 minutes and approximately 187 shots before I am numb enough for any work to be done. So this makes me avoid the dentist, then my teeth get bad, vicious cycle!

Anyway, Dr. Dento and I have a relationship that dates back to when I worked for the Dodgers. I used to be like, “hey, our dental plan sucks, can I give you tickets and maybe you can give me a free root canal?” And he’d be like, “I’m a dentist. I could buy the Dodgers.” Every time I go in I ask him if I can have the gas. And every time he’s like, “you don’t need it. Stop being a drama mama.” But this time I said, “so, about the gas….” and he said, “yeah, your tooth is pretty infected. Let’s get you the gas.”

Maybe you will be surprised to hear this, but I wasn’t comforted.

So his adorable dental assistant comes over and is like, “I have your nitrous all ready, it goes on your nose, get comfortable and I’ll place it.” I’m thinking it’s a nasal cannula, and then she placed this thing on my face.


I look like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Bozo The Clown.

The assistant tells me, “OK, in about five minutes, you’re going to start to feel loopy.” I think, sweet! And I get out my phone to text Mike that I’m getting legally high (he was in the waiting room). And then I tried to update Facebook and Twitter, but apparently NONE of those things went through. I realized later that Dr. Dento’s office is in the basement of a Downtown LA building, so it prevents all high patients from making bad texting decisions. Probably a good thing for people with jobs and reputations.

I’m going to cut to the chase and tell you that it took TWENTY MINUTES until Dr. Dento and his assistant thought I was “loopy” enough to GET NOVOCAIN. And while I’m not denying that I eventually felt some of the effects of the nitrous, I was NOT feeling it then. So, then I had to wait another twenty five minutes until the numbing medications took hold. In the meantime, I chilled in the chair on 60% nitrous.

Then the whole dental procedure took less than two songs on my iPod.

The nitrous was a let down. The dental assistant told me I’d feel loopy and happy and “floaty.” I wanted to see like, sparklers where my fingers were and feel like I’d performed a choreographed dance with a monkey. Television has totally ruined my expectations.

On the drive home I kept telling Mike that the nitrous didn’t work, and then I called my dad. Mike and my dad both assure me that the nitrous worked. I remember none of this. I think they’re lying. I also tweeted some things, until Mike realized what I was doing, and then he took my phone. He is no fun.

I don't think this gas is working Gus.
Heather Spohr
My mouth tastes like balloons. Balloons. That's a funny word. Balloons. Ballooooons.
Heather Spohr

When we got home, I took a five hour nap, and then I ate an entire container of Country Crock mashed potatoes, an entire container of rice pudding, 2 dozen mini oatmeal cookies, and whipped cream out of the can.

Soooo…maybe the gas DID work.