Madeline has started giggling outrageously whenever she thinks something is funny. The best part is that she laughs at the appropriate times. Like, just a minute ago, Mike farted, and she thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Me, I just don’t get the humor in farts. She also laughs when I tell her jokes. If I’d known she’d be such an easy audience I would have had her a lot sooner.

Her laugh is like chocolate chex, I just can’t get enough. This morning, I was making her dance. You know, making her clap, wave her hands, etc. She was in the middle of the best giggle of all time when I moved her hand across her face (Come on, Vogue…VOGUE!), and she gouged a chunk of skin out of the bridge of her nose with an errant thumb nail. Oh, the wailing and the crocodile tears. I felt like crap. Not only did I neglect her fingernail upkeep, but then I forced her to stab herself.

I scooped her up and carried her toward her nursery so I could calm her down and clean up THE BLOOD. When I walked through the door to her room, she threw her little arm out and grabbed the door jam. I didn’t see this, of course, so her arm got wrenched back and OH the wailing and the crocodile tears.

Her first successful thumb suckI had to get some wipes for THE BLOOD and the nail clippers for her talons, so I laid her in the crib while I gathered my supplies. After I grabbed the wipes bag, I realized she wasn’t crying. I peered over the edge of her crib and saw her sucking her thumb. It’s so cute I could die. I softly said, “aaaawwwww,” but apparently she has bionic hearing, because she jumped out of her skin, and in the process managed to cut the inside of her lip with her devil thumb nail. Babies’ mouths bleed a lot. Just sayin’.

After I managed to clean up and calm down Maddie, I sat down in her rocking chair. IRigby hides from her abusive owner lifted my right foot to cross my legs…and kicked the dog square in the head. Rigby is a little dog and is somewhat used to getting beat up, but I guess I have Beckham-like strength in my leg because poor little Rigby let out a yelp of pain that pierced my already shredded self-confidence. I reached down and picked Rigby up with the intention of comforting her…and as I lifted her, I slammed her already-injured head into the changing table, eliciting another yelp. I tried to put her in my lap, but it should surprise no one that she immediately ran away and hid under Maddie’s crib.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be hiding from Child Protective Services and the ASPCA.