So, you all were right, and Annie has stopped hating me (until her next bath, at least). She still waves goodbye when I leave the room, and is still unphased when I am gone for stretches of time. But, now she is acting like she needs me. Not for the comfort and cuddles that I wanted to be needed for, though. She wants me for entertainment.
She instigates peek-a-boo with me, hands over toys she wants me to make come to life, tells me to dance with her during Yo Gabba Gabba (by either tugging on my leg or pointing at me and shouting UP!). And this is AWESOME. I love it. When Mike tries to do these things with her she’s like, “Meh, I find your dance moves lacking, and your dolly voice is dreadful.”
Mommy, go THERE now!
But when she’s walking across the room and inevitably falls (because, as we all know, walking is hard), she immediately cries for DADADADADADADADA! It doesn’t matter if I immediately scoop her up, kiss her boo-boos, and dry her tears, she’ll still howl and reach for daddy.
She is just like the boys in high school that used me to get to my friends. I’m a girl, too! WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO DATE ME?!
But I digress.
I feel like I should be apologetic about this, but you know what? I want her to want me for the “traditional” mom things – cuddles, comfort, tenderness. Instead I am the class clown, she claps her hands and I put on a show.
She squeals with delight, then grabs her blanket and curls up on daddy’s lap, leaving me with empty arms and a face covered in clown makeup.
Audra says:
We have the opposite issue at my house. Daddy is definitely the clown and I’m the soother/comforter. I’ll admit, it does feel good to be needed when I’m there. Unfortunately, when I’m not, things go awry. The Mister loves both of his girls dearly, but the one who is most like him…well…they butt heads constantly when I’m away and it worries me. When I come home they are both frustrated. I’m planning on going away for a night or so to visit some friends from college and I think that both of them are in for a rowdy time.
Sara says:
My father and I were the same way. I was always a Mommy’s Girl (and 27+ years later, I still am). But you know what? It may have taken until I was 20 years old, but I became a Daddy’s Girl, too, and my dad sure as heck knows it. So there’s hope with the kid who “butts heads,” even if it takes a little longer.
Lisa says:
Oh, she loves you and needs you. She just doesn’t feel the need to tell you or show you because she thinks you should just get it because you are there all the time. One of these days she’ll cry for you when she bumps her head. In the meantime, have fun being her class clown
Penbleth says:
You are a great Mum. Funny how we always want the other thing, my kids all came to me for comfort but their dad for the fun things, I wanted to be the fun parent. You bring joy to Annie’s life, that’s not bad.
Jenn says:
Hi Sweetie,
Well, at least she is one step closer to loving being with you…that’s half the battle! I LOVE the picture of her although, I must say she looks like a little girl more than even a toddler. Where does the time go?!?!
I recevied a very nice tweet from Mike yesterday. I so appreciated it and he told me you got your cardl I’m glad!! I wasn’t sure when you would get it but I was hoping on the 7th althouth I wasn’t sure if you would have gotten it on that day. Sorry if you didn’t get it when I had hoped.
Hope you got a chance to visit with Jackie & her parents.
Thinking of you all!
Jenn
Heather says:
She’ll come around. It’s good that she needs you both, even though it can break your heart a little.
My fiancee’s mom used to go into their rooms when they were infants waking in the middle of the night. She’d feed them and change them and the whole time would repeat “dada dada dada” and sure enough they’d start yelling for ‘dada’ in the dead of night. While she no longer had to get up for changings, she did miss being called for.
When I first left my exhusband 6 year ago, my daughter used to ask for her half-brother (whom I was now cut off from). If she was lonely, bored, happy or fell it was him she wanted. It went on for weeks. It was hard on us both.
At 7 and 8 1/2 they come to fiancee and I separately for different things, mines always comfort, his is almost always the fun stuff…
Kids are fickle
Nellie says:
Oh, you are the entertainer of her heart and the only one who puts a smile on her face that goes from her eyes and mouth, straight to her precious heart!
It’ll change (she’ll start seeking cuddles from you too) but you will always be the one who’ll put the all out smile on her face and give her belly aching laughs. I am that for my daughter and my husband was always the one who cuddled her and wiped away all her tears. My daughter is now 3 1/2 years old and is finely into cuddling and loving on me and I absolutely treasure it. I no longer feel like the “girlfriend” when on the off chance I am able to pick her up from Daycare with my husband. That was absolutely dreadful. Now, if I get the chance to drop her off at Daycare, she doesn’t want me to leave….makes my heart swell and break all at the same time.
By the way, the outfit and those pig tails on Annabel – TO DIE FOR GORGEOUS!!!!!
By Word of Mouth Musings says:
Oh, I want to be the fun parent too, enjoy all the laughs and the giggles with her … she clearly sees you as a soulmate in her shenanigans
By Word of Mouth Musings says:
ok, computer popped a screen that said ‘ slow down, you are commenting too fast’ and then commented twice and its not even Monday!
Meg...CT says:
Are you kidding me with those pigtails??? ADORABLE.
Mary says:
Who knows why they do what they do? She loves and needs you both. And seriously, when she gets into girl stuff, is Mike going to be the go to? I think not.
You’re doing a great job. She’s just so adorable.
edenland says:
I hear you. I was telling Rocco the other day … “and, you used to be a tiny baby in mummys tummy!” And he looked at me with such disdain. And yells:
“NO. I TINY BABY IN DADDYS TUMMY.”
I was like, oh good on you. Go ask daddy to clean all of your poo then.
Jaclyn says:
My daughter will be 2 in May and she is the same way. I’m good for playing, but if she is upset/tired/hurt it’s all about Daddy. It is kind of hard because I want to be the one to comfort her. But, when she wakes up screaming in the night and will not allow me to comfort her, it’s kind of nice to wake Daddy up and say “All she wants is you, I’m going back to bed. Good luck!”
I’m sure as they get older it will change and they will realize that Moms are way cooler than Dads!
Jen says:
Don’t worry – she’ll come around once she realizes that you’re responsible for her clothes and hair being SO adorable. Seriously, so cute.
AmazingGreis says:
Can I be totally honest? I’m hoping to steal away your spotlight while I’m there in a few weeks. I need some Annie love!!! You won’t mind, will you?
Elizabeth says:
Awww!! I was a Mama’s girl when I was younger, I actually used to cry if my Dad picked me up (I still feel guilty about this). But now being older I tend to favor my Dad a little bit more, not sure why.
Glenda says:
She loves you and needs you for some things…and loves and needs Mike for other things.
As she gets older all that will change. YOU will see. It’s mom she’s going to want to go get mani/pedi’s with. It’s mom she’s going to want to go shopping with. It’s mom she’ll run home to and tell about the boy at school. Mother/daughter bond is so much fun!!!
but… she will always be “Daddy’s Girl”
Lara says:
I have to laugh a bit as in our house Daddy is the entertainer that is loved, adored and much in demand… and I am stuck in the position I would like to call butt wiper, boo-boo smoocher (also included in this task is vomit-wiper-upper ick!) and cook/maid. *Sigh* I think he has the better end of the bargain!
The even more ironic part is my husband would LOOOOOVE to be the cure all that ails you boo-boo smoocher… and finds it exhausting to be Daddy the court jester! I guess you always wonder what the other side of the fence is like!
CJ says:
Oh do we sympathise! We’re going through adjusting to this with our little one. Mommy is wanted for cuddles, snuggles and just hanging out. Mama is the one to go to for fun, laughter, rough housing, tickling, etc. Typically the “mama” role in our house is filled by the “daddy” in other houses. Mama is having a hard time when Mommy is wanted for cuddles. And Mommy wishes she were funnier and more entertaining. We read an article emphasizing that one is not “better” than the other, it’s just the role the child sees filled by each parent. Hang in there, one day entertainment will rank higher than a cuddle!
gq says:
Mmmm, i gather you’re feeling down when Annie doesn’t want to do the “traditional” mom things with you. Give yourself some time Things are slowly changing for the better On the other hand, being a class clown has its function as well! Without you, Annie might not be squealing with delight as much as she does now! Go Heather!
Rebecca says:
If you want her to cry for you when she gets hurt, carry sugar cubes in your pocket and give her a pinch of sugar as soon as you scoop her up. She’ll learn that mommy is sweeter. (I bet Mike has been doing this all along because we all know that Team Heather is the best)
The Mommy Therapy says:
At least she wants you for something…right?
I would feel the same way you do if those pigtails only wanted to giggle with me. Though, I imagine her giggle is pretty phenomenal. She is just too cute!
My husband is the entertainer and desperately wants to be the cuddler. He always tries to go soothe our 10 month old at night and is immediately rejected. Currently I am the one that calms and can love on her, I should probably cherish it while she feels like this about me. Soon I might be only good for peek a boo too.
Rumour Miller says:
Aww, it is so nice to see her bond with her Daddy though. The feelings of being rejected do hurt though.
It’s awesome to be the fun parent too. Roles will shift as she grows. I like the sugar idea by Rebecca! give that a try.
Anna says:
I promise you this will change!!!! My guess is when she is around 18 months. So hang in there. But I know how you feel my daughter was the same way at that age. And now she continues to go back and forth. Right now she is in a major mommy phase. When she is in her daddy phases it is hard. I take it so personally. Especially because all my friends kids are mommy only all the time. I think it just means we have some pretty amazing husbands. But it still hurts. Who was Maddie more into? Little girls do love their daddies.
Colleen says:
I was that girl in high school too!! It was the worst! The most memorable incident came at a loud punk rock show, when a random guy came up to me and said “hey, my friend thinks you’re cute and wants to meet you.” Since this kind of thing happened to me, oh, just about never, I happily agreed to go say hello to this dude. As I walked up to him, he got the sickest look on his face, and said “oh my God, I’m so sorry, I actually wanted to meet your blonde friend over there.” He obviously felt badly, but still, UGH. Story of my teenage life. Going to college and getting out from those shadows (and realizing that being attractive was really more about self-confidence than anything else) was so very liberating.
Kristin (MamaKK922) says:
Awww I wish I had words of wisdom my oldest was mommies girl because sadly her father was never around to really be a daddy for her, and my youngest is both but as a baby she was more daddy’s girl but when she reached the age of two she just realized she wanted us both. So I am hoping that is what Annie decides to do for you.
PattyB says:
I feel the same way about my granddaughter. I can play on the floor with her, make all kinds of faces and funny voices and blow on her belly all day long. But, when she is really tired, she does not want me – she wants nothing but to climb up on her Papa’s chest, with his Harley Davidson blanket no less, and go to sleep right there. I would love to get those cuddles from her, but I love the role I play with her as well. I am excited to see how her preferences as far as we are concerned changes over the years. Annie’s preferences for you and Mike will undoubtedly change as well.
Holli (B's Mom) says:
Those pigtails = ADORABLE
Deborah says:
Delurking after years of reading and sending silent good wishes to your family because this one touched me so close to home. My little guy spent the first four and a half years of his life in love with his dad and wanting from him all the love, cuddling, attention, and affection that I wanted him to want from me. I began to doubt everyone who talked about phases and became convinced that this was permanent, and although I was always sincerely happy about my son’s bond with his dad, for my part I felt somehow inadequate because of this preference. What I ended up doing — and this is more for the future, I recognize — was to start thinking about what my special skills were, what I could offer that daddy couldn’t, and to try to put my wishes for a specific type of bond with my son aside. I created “Mommy Surprise Days,” because I had more work flexibility than my husband, and I would plan some kind of outing or expedition for the two of us — anything from a trip to a museum to a vacation with friends — and would only tell him that we were going to have a surprise time together, no details about what. (We’re in LA too, and LA is a truly great place for this kind of thing.) My little man loved the mounting excitement, the surprise element, and whatever the adventure was. During those adventures it was just the two of us, which meant that he had my undivided attention and I could drink him in and connect with him in a way that was just for us. Now, a year and a half after starting Mommy Surprise Days, my son and I are close in a way we hadn’t been before; we have a wonderful connection; I no longer think of mommy phases or daddy phases. We talk about our shared experiences and have a whole host of adventures and learning that we build on in daily life. The best part: when my son wants time with me and needs to hang out, he requests a Mommy Surprise Day — it gladdens my heart tremendously to know that my son is emotionally fluent enough to seek out attention when he needs a bit more than the usual love he gets.
Sorry this is so long, but this is something I feel happy and proud about (a nice change from the dreaded mommy guilt), and I would just encourage you to hang in there, connect with the beautiful and spirited Annabel in whatever way she needs you to, and to stake out your bond in creative ways as she grows. What immediately pops to mind from being a reader of your blog is a vision of you and Annabel together in just a year or two as you teach her about photography and give her an old digital camera for her to try out; you can go up to the Getty or over to the beach or walk through the neighborhood and take pictures of anything that strikes you.
It may seem that Annabel only wants you for entertainment now, but every new experience and every kind of entertainment you share with her is a connection too, and as you wow her with your awesome dance moves and show her the world, she’s going to identify with you, develop a long-lasting bond of shared interests and experiences, and learn from you what being a girl/woman is all about. What a lucky little girl that she has so much love in her life that she gets to pick the person she takes it from — that alone shows how fantastic you and Mike are. I hope this helps and isn’t too preachy — I would be happy to talk with you more about this!
Deborah says:
OK, so I should be shot for adding anything else to that essay of a comment, but I forgot to mention this: now my son usually wants me for comfort when he is hurt or sad.
Emily says:
Annie’s cheeks in today’s picture are insanely round and cute! She looks very bossy! Hehehe!
Lisa_in_WI says:
Those piggietails are just so freaking adorable!
AJ says:
My daughter is only 7, so I’m no expert, but here’s what I know:
1. Girls are complex little creatures.
2. Kids go through stages. There will be a mommy stage. I promise.
Kelly says:
I don’t know if I read a word you wrote today. Annie’s picture is just too freaking cute, I totally got sidetracked.
It’s okay Mommy, she knows you are kissing her boo boo’s.
karen says:
Heather, Annie has got brains! She’s got the brains to know that her Mommy is the clever one who can play and dance and sing and ‘do’ the voices.
Daddy is only good enough to sit on, be carried by and wipe your tears and running nose on.
Is it really so bad that she knows you are this clever??
Amy says:
That picture is so adorable – she looks like a doll (really!)
Veronika says:
Cutest pic ever!
Noelle says:
That just means you’re a fun mommy! My daughter would love that. Around here, I’m “Care & Maintenance” and Daddy is “Entertainment”!
And P.S. The piggies? Way too cute!
Nikki says:
It sounds to me like she believes you are (most indeed) her very best friend, and that is the thing that all Mom’s wish for, no?
Debra @ A Frugal Friend says:
I love that cute outfit on her – just adorable.
Kids definitely have stages – my daughter wouldn’t snuggle with me as much when she was little – always her Daddy. Now, it’s with Mommy all the time.
I’m laughing because I still dance to Yo Gabba Gabba with my daughter – she still makes me get up. LOL
cj says:
can i just say that picture is ADORABLE!!! she is such a doll.
Samantha says:
like some others here, we have the opposite issue with LS. i am definitely not the fun one. my hubs enters the room, and it’s like “oh my god, my daddy’s here!!!!!!!”, arms flailing, lots of squeals. i enter the room and it’s like, “hey, what’s up”. he likes me when he wants comfort or when daddy’s not around, but other than that, daddy is just way cooler. i like being needed for comfort, but at the same time it’s my hubs that gets all the smiles, the first laugh (which i STILL have yet to hear), and the happy baby. i get the tired screaming baby!
you said something here that made me think of my sister. does annie ever call mike by his first name?! my niece is about 16 months and my sister said that the other day she was looking around for her dad (whose name is also mike) and she kept saying “maaa, maaaa”. my sister couldn’t figure out why she was calling “maaa” when she wanted “daaaad”. finally, she realized that she wasn’t saying “maa”, she was saying “miiiii”..just missing the “K”. she laughed her ass off. she realized that her daughter must have picked up on all the times my sister says “mike, can you get this”, “mike, give me a hand”, “MIKE, what are you doing?!”. so….instead of the heart warming “dada”, my niece calls her daddy “miiii….miiiiii”.
daisybv2 says:
Okay I WANT THAT OUTFIT… please share where you got it because if this baby in my belly is a girl I want it! She is adorable also… and she sounds like a very entertaining princess.
hawkfeather says:
I had a daddy’s girl- and you have described it well- scooping her up to have her twist and warp her body around in what seems to be painful contortionist style moves to avoid momma snuggles and to get back to her daddy as soon as she can break my loving grasp on her…
well it broke my heart- I admire the joking spin you put on it- but it hurts…I remember thinking ‘i MADE you!! for the love of all that is holy child come ON!!!!!’
I would drive around for hours if Daddy had to go out and i kid you not- she would scream for the few seconds i had to stop at stop signs..i had to keep the car moving non stop and plotted my routes carefully all to *handle* my alone time with my first child..
I *can* say that as much as I do not want to admit that I have a 16 year old now (and i feel the need to point out i am 34) because saying i have a 16 year old makes me feel like i am about 54…
STILL having a 16 year old allows me to reassure you some what- because she is my best friend… maybe not so much a la Gilmore girls..because she is my little freaky goth child and makes her weirdo momma’s heart proud-
but she tells me everything about her day- she confides in me and is amazing in every way. we have a great relationship and when i tell her about those early days she has a little laugh at my expense and we go and have a momma daughter date and all is well…
and it did not take 16 years to come about.. even as a toddler i saw she needed her momma more and more…
it happens in a blink- the cliche is sadly true…
soon enough she will need you for things mike may find *difficult* to face no matter how much of a daddy’s girls she is- she will want to learn about her body from dear old mom.