Frankie Goes to Hollywood may be more famous for singing it, but I say, “RELAX” at least four hundred and eighty-seven times a day. I repeat it to Rigby about five times a day (depending on how many animals torment Rigby in the backyard), which leaves the other four hundred and eighty-two directives for Annabel.
Lately, Annabel’s gear shift is stuck in the extremely amped-up position. She’s been like this for a few months now, but James’ arrival has definitely emphasized how intense Annabel is. Her emotions and feelings are all extreme. She’s hyper or a sloth or laughing or crying or starving or on a hunger strike. I’m assuming this is normal three-year-old behavior but holy crap. I feel like I have whiplash.
Annabel directs a lot of her passion toward James, which is adorable but also, you know, terrifying. She is literally overcome with her desire to be touching and kissing him, even when Mike and I tell her to give him some space. Every morning she runs full-speed over to where I am feeding James and barks into his ear, “Ooooooooh JAMESIE!” in the craziest guttural voice – as if she is possessed by a child-sized demon. Despite me saying, “Annie, don’t touch him, he’s eating!” She manages to startle him just enough that his arms fly up and he clamps down…not fun when you’re breastfeeding.
On the rare occasions when she manages to control her hands and voice, you can see her whole body literally shaking. It’s as if the sheer effort to contain herself is almost too much.
Not touching you, can’t get mad!
I need to figure out a way to really drive home how gentle and non-psycho she needs to be around her brother. Especially in the face and head region! That’s a pretty important area.
“RELAX, Annabel!”…if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that, I’d be rich.
Erin says:
Oh how I hear you! I have “don’t touch his head” and “get away from the swing” running on a loop. Harper is crazed and now wants to hold the bottle…if you come up with solutions please do let me know
Steph says:
Friends of mine taught their toddler son to give his little sister kisses and hugs on the soles of her feet when he wanted to bestow his spontaneous affection. It didn’t ruffle the baby much as she couldn’t really see and kept him from hurting her face/neck. You might want to try that.
Summer says:
I see a foot fetish in the making. Not that it’s a bad thing I guess.
Jenn says:
“Her emotions and feelings are all extreme”…WAIT UNTIL SHE TURNS 13!!! OMG!!! This is the NORM and it’s….SCARY to say the LEAST!!! I love my daughter is everything I have but since she’s hit the hormone stage, at least 3 times a day we expect her head to spin completely around while spews some green shit at us (think Linda Blair but prettier….MUCH Prettier).
Annie sounds like she is a spirited child…full of passion, an all or nothing kind of gal. My daughter was and still is this way. It’s tiring, I get it but it also comes with some wonderful, creative gifts. As James gets older, it will get easier and as he matures…she will too.
Have faith Mama…There is a light at the end of the tunnel but that wonderful light…it may just be…. multi-coloured!!!
Annalisa says:
Ah yes, the “teenagers are toddlers with better vocabulary” warnings I’ve been given. It always makes me shudder, because who wants to go through that twice? Apparently us parents. We must be gluttons for pain.
As a former “my child has turned into a hate-and-hormone filled machine” specimen, I can reassure you it gets better, in the sense that I got tired of directing all my mood swings at my mom (poor mom!), and had a few years of “sullen, silent teenager” mode afterward. My mom says it wasn’t much more fun, but at least the house was quieter.
karen b says:
Imagine, if you will, having one girl in the terrifying twos (teetering on the brink of the thundering threes) and a 17 year old girl AT. THE. SAME. TIME. I am not complaining – I treasure every minute I have with them, even the more challenging ones – but it can be a challenge. And no, there are not any other siblings between. Just these two – same dad, not planned that way, overjoyed that we have them both.
Molly says:
Oy. She sounds like she’s three. It’s a tough one–hang in there!
RzDrms says:
Totally not being snarky, but truly, does she know what “relax” means? Meaning, and I know know know the answer is Yes, does she know that she needs to be careful and gentle and quieter with James, or else he can get hurt? I’m sure she knows, so it must just be excitement mixed with a little jealousy (maybe a desire to be noticed over him?). I don’t know! She’ll need that energy when James grows up to be a rambunctious little boy.
Dorothea says:
We use the word “boundaries” quite a bit lately in our home. I have one son who loves to hug and another who finds it annoying. They are 8 – a lot older than Annie… but she is so clever she might just get into it! It’s amazing to me how much kids absorb.
Anne says:
3 is old enough to start to learn consequences. IF she can’t controll herself then it’s time to learn cause and effect. she want to come bounding in every morning when feeding, then she can’t come in when he’s feeding until she can learn to come in peacefully. and explain why. it will take both you and mike working with her but it CAN happen. You want her to give James personal space? SHOW her how annoying it is to have someone in her personal space all the time. Ask her if she would like it if what she is doing to James was done to her. Generally works with my kids. Constancy is also the key. even when I was exhausted when my son was born and it was easier just to let my daughter do what she wanted/intereact with him how ever, I knew I was setting hte groundwork for their future relationship. I didn’t want her to think she could always be walking all over him/have no boundries so we needed to set them up fast. 4 years later we’re still working on them, but now with him because he’s a brat :X
good luck!
Jewl says:
Ok, this is going to sound dumb, but it happened with one of our kids and I thought I’d pass along, cuz you don’t quite get enough advice on a daily basis with a newborn Does she understand what “relax” means? We were saying something similar (years back) to our daughter and she would just look at us like we were looney and go about her business. Then, when she hit about 7 and heard the word, she says, “Mom, what does that word mean?” And I was befuddled, holy crap, you didn’t even know what we were asking you to do! Anyhow, just thinking maybe you could ask her if she knows what “relax” means, have her explain it to you and act it out for you. Odds are she does know and she is just incapable, heck sometimes I’m incapable, just wanted to pass on that tidbit and see if it might help you. Take care. They are both so adorable!
Amanda says:
Love! I have a picture of our middle daughter at about 2 months old. She’s in one of those vibrating papasan chairs and her sister is all up in her grill. She’s just waving a peace sign. I nearly lost it in the early days, but I swear they knew better than I did. xo all around.
emily says:
What you’re describing is so normal, and exactly what my 3.5 year old is going through. He is so emotional – whether it be excited, mad, tired, hungry – and the dramatics that come with it blow my mind. Hang in there, I hear 4 is better and I’m hoping that’s the case. In the meantime, I try to tell myself that when they’re teenagers they’ll probably want to kill each other. But, it still makes me want to pull my hair out!
Melissa says:
This post made me laugh so very hard! I am right there with you – I tell EVERYONE to relax, ALL the time. Carl (husband), Alex (boy #1) and especially Nico (boy #2.) I say it so much that at one point last week Carl turned to me and said “Maybe YOU need to RELAX.”
Point taken.
But seriously. It’s such a great word.
Jessica C. says:
I have a three year old daughter who acts exactly the same way with her eight month old brother! She’s been that way with him since he was a newborn! Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out how to get her to relax, and it’s so frustrating at times. But, I will say, my son adores all of the love and attention my daughter gives him, even though it sometimes makes me a nervous wreck!
Amy says:
First, thank you for referencing one of my favorite Friends episodes!
Second, I’m guessing you had to teach Annie how to be gentle with Rigby, perhaps that would work with James? I always took my kid’s hand and gently stroked animal or baby and softly said “gentle touches”. This had to be repeated a few times but soon they got it.
Hope Annie has a low key day today!
Lea says:
This reminds me of when my 10 month old was born, and I had TWO crazed older siblings in his face constantly, kissing and loving because they were so overwhelmed by their love for him. It definitely drove me nuts sometimes! I redirected them to the feet like someone else mentioned, which helps, but it didn’t always work. Luckily, as time went on, the intensity diminished, and he got older, which of course helps tremendously. And now, even though I still sometimes have to tell them to give him space, he is still so adored by them and are a big help entertaining him. It will get better over time, but I know it’s so hard right now!
Lisa F. says:
Could you start doing time-outs if you ask her to stop touching him and she continues? Or maybe schedule Annabel and James “together times” when she can hold him, feed him, etc., but then tell her he needs privacy?
I don’t have kids, but I’m just trying to think of what friends have done. Though, admittedly, they all have had the opposite problem that you do — their oldest “hates” the new baby and tries to hurt it. My best friend’s son (my godson) was four when his sister was born, and for the first six months he called her “That Baby.” A couple weeks after she was born, he asked his mom, “When is That Baby going back to where she came from?”
Lisa says:
She is definitely 3! Plus, she is Annie-3, which is extra-spirited! I think you and Mike reminding her to give James space is a great way to go. That helped me with my daughter when my son was born – I would explain to her exactly what I meant by “space.” So if she was running into the room while I was feeding him, I would say, “Stop Sign!” before she got close. And then I would explain that her brother needs space, and she could get as close as… whatever it was that made sense. She could get as close as the green pillow on the couch, or the library book on the floor 5 feet away, or the play kitchen, or whatever. And then I would tell her when she could give him hugs and kisses afterwards. In the beginning, I often had to physically put out one hand to gently move her body away from his to show her what “space” was, or ask my husband to pick her up and put her in the designated “space” area (the green pillow or whatever). After a few days, she knew what it meant and started asking where she could be to give him space. Good luck! I hope you find something that works for you!
Sarah says:
Idk if I have an answer, but I can commiserate.. my extremely high octane son was about 9.75 years old when we had our youngest. Seriously, he could wake her up by merely walking in the room – his constant enthusiasm was just so palpable! Even whispering, tip-toeing… didn’t matter! Her eyes would fly open. It was a little easier to convey the need got calm to him as, you know, a nearly ten year old, but he had been the baby before her arrival, so it was hard for him to go from”my baby” to ”get away from the baby!!” so quickly. I guess I can offer hope – she’s two now and does a remarkable job of standing her ground with him and everyone else.. she holds her hand out in front if herself and says STOP IT. Which is adorable and effective! and they adore each other!!
Gina says:
We have a three-year-old daughter and a nine-month-old son. I absolutely feel your pain! There were several times when my baby was still tiny that I was sure my daughter had shattered her teeth because she would grind her teeth so intensely as she shook about and “loved” her brother. Three, man.
Rebecca says:
Have you thought maybe that something extracurricular to channel all that energy might be something she would enjoy? (Was that tactful enough?? When mine got like this, I knew he needed more stimulation, and I also knew I just could NOT give it to him. I took it as a sign that he was ready for preschool! He only goes 3 mornings a week, from 9 – 12, and he loves it! He’s with other kids his age doing fun crafts, singing songs, learning about colors and numbers, etc. Right now, my preschool in summertime mode, so they have super-hero days, camping days, waterfun day, etc. Now that Annie’s a big sister and not the only kid, she might really like to have something that is “her” big girl thing, and not just baby,baby,baby all the time. The other days a week, I try to have him in some sort of physical activity, like swim lessons or something sporty, like a ball class (but you could just as easily do ballet, gymnastics, little tumblers, etc. I classes through the city and they are like $50 for 8 weeks).
Heather says:
Oh yeah, I have her in swim lessons now, and preschool starts in September!
Annalisa says:
I was thinking the same thing. This is why my daughter is in preschool three days a week (her daycare has two different preschool classes, one with 2 1/2-3 year olds, and the other with 3 1/2-5 year olds).
Our neighbor has had her now 4 year old in age appropriate summer camps for the past two summers for the same reason. It’s like the days lengthen, and they just go crazy with energy.
If she can’t start preschool before September, it might be a good idea to find a summer camp that caters to 3-5. There’s lots in my town, many of them themed (art camps, soccer camps, music camps, etc…). Unless the swim lessons are daily and take more than an hour (doubtful, since many pool have guidelines that don’t allow tots/preschoolers to be in the water for longer times), perhaps they aren’t enough to channel her extra energy?
Annalisa says:
Oh, and at this age, summer camp is just gonna behalf days at most, so she’ll still get plenty of mama/dada/Jamesie time in.
ella says:
I second camp! I am a day camp counselor for 5 year olds. Several of my campers have baby brothers or sisters, and I see the sheer sigh of relief in the moms’ faces when they leave the drop off area with just the baby in tow! Do it for you, your sanity, and that adorable baby! (Ps–I think he’s your twin!)
April says:
I was thinking along these lines, too – it sounds like she maybe would benefit from a LOT of gross motor activity. It doesn’t necessarily need to be structured, but an outlet of some kind – climbing things, pulling a wagon, running around. When I nannied a 3 year old & newborn we would play the “running game…” which consists of running back and forth across the lawn. Or climbing up and down his slide as many times as possible, or to running and knocking down towers of cardboard boxes he had built taller than himself. It IS exhausting, though. (And he also heard us say “relax” so often that he started to say it back! That could be frustrating. His little 3 year old self saying “ok, relax,” all sassy like if we so much as asked him to put shoes on so we can go play!)
Marie says:
It might just be time to put her in a pre-school/daycare/play group situation and let her run her energy off with children her age. One day a week might work, or just a couple hours each day. She spent a long time waiting for the baby and now she just wants to be everywhere you guys are. It might calm down a little naturally but Annie sounds like she has lots of energy and it needs to be burnt off in other directions.
Good luck with your family!
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
Amy says:
The Friends references!! I never knew where Frankee say Relax came from. I would have said it was from Friends. haha.
Bridget says:
We use slow-motion. My older guy gets too hyper and rough with little brother and slow-motion worked for him. We started it with a laugh and moved around the room in slow-motion. And then when he was being too rough with the baby we’d say, “SLOW MOTION, Teddy” and he’d immediately slow down and make exaggerated super-slow movements. Since he’s a kid that likes to entertain the idea of being funny and getting people to look at him makes his slow-motion performances all the more passionate. This is a kid that is very hard to change his trajectory when he’s going full-throttle so the fact that this worked and still works is a true endorsement. We use it now that he’s 5 and the “baby” is 2 for when they have one of their 5 light saber battles of the day. But it was quite effective at 3 and 0 as well.
Happy 4th!
Karen says:
I used to wonder why it was called terrible 2’s when it is 3 that is the crazy time! Of course, then I had a true 2 year-old who is very physical and always close to hurting himself on something.
The funny thing (or not so funny I suppose) is our then 5 year-old did the same thing to our baby and now the baby runs and tackles him and screams in his face and hits him. So, what goes around, Annabel. Wait until the chorus of “he hit me.” “no, she hit me!” – oh parenting!
jonelle says:
when my youngest nephew was born, the oldest was 3. he got the “don’t squeeze the baby” part down pretty quickly. however, licking his brother became his new favorite pastime. i’m not the mom, but I never ever thought i’d have to say “don’t lick your brother” as many times as I did. I was giving the baby a bottle once with the oldest standing right on top of us, shaking like a crazy person. I asked what was wrong – “I just want to lick him.” kids are weird
rc says:
My mom always said that the three’s are so bad they don’t talk about them (unlike the terrible two’s). The kids are older, we have more expectations of them but they are trying to find their way in their new bodies/minds too. It gets better. Mine are 14 and 16 now and have been best of friends all the way along. The older one wasn’t so quite enamoured with his baby sister as Annie is with James. But she thought he hung the moon. It’ll come back and get Annie sooner or later. Seriously, hope you find some good suggestions in controlling her obsessiveness. *hugs*
Amy says:
I am not a fan of “relax”. It’s kind of a buzzkill, and sort of dampens enthusiasm that seems to be really well intentioned as you describe it. I think it is our job to really limit the access that makes a newborn physically vulnerable. Maybe set aside as much time as possible where she can safely play with him so she doesn’t seek it out as much. Also distraction like TV during nursing time, or have a basket of crafts and goodies for her that only come out during nursing time. Good luck – beautiful kids!!
Lenora says:
I’ve met a little boy (and his mom) at the Y in the locker room who is about Annie’s age. He takes swim lessons and I am doing water exercise. He’s very cute and is totally not shy, he’ll talk to me with no problems. Anyway, I was thinking how hard and scary it must be to be his mom; on the one hand you don’t want your kid to be shy, on the other hand, it must be scary to know your kid will talk to any stranger!
Alexis says:
My kids aren’t quite 21 months apart, the older one is a boy. He wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as Annie, but I didn’t know how to handle their interactions because I’d never had two before! Anyway, I took my cues from my daughter — and she loved the attention from her brother. He never tried to intentionally hurt her, but a few times he was rougher than he meant, and she let him know it, and everyone was fine for it. My guess is that James kind of loves the energy and excitement that Annie brings–babies seem to be eternally interested in babies and kids. Everyday he’s getting bigger and more alert and capable, and as a boy, he’s probably going to be more energetic than Maddie and Annie were as infants, and he’ll gravitate towards the inspiration that his big sister is.
If she’s not trying to hurt him (and I say that only because my great-uncle took an axe to my grandfather’s cradle, but was stopped by the fact that he was three, not a great axe-wielder, and the cradle was draped in mosquito net), even though their time together is frenetic, maybe it’s totally fine!
Bridget says:
My advice
Let Annie know that James’s room is just that. She needs to have his permission to enter just like he will need to enter hers. I would make a sign to put on his door. One side says come in Annie and love me, and the other can say something like shhhh time. Whatever kid stuff says lol my kids are 13 and 15 now. Start knocking on her door and getting her used to asking without barging in. Get a hula hoop and place it around james. Tell Annie she can get close to him, but no closer than the circle. Maybe for sleeping time or just when he needs a break. My aunt owned a daycare and she would tape lines on the floor to keep the kids back from certain areas.
Karen says:
I am laughing at how you say she literally shakes with excitement. My best friend’s son used to do that. We called it ‘The Shake’ Sometimes he would stop right where he was standing and just start shaking.His little fists would be balled up and he would shake. It was very funny and cute!!
Britt says:
My cousin is 10 and she literally squeals with excitement when my son plays with her. He’s 16 months now but when he was smaller she would try to pick him up. They get overly excited and I’m constantly shouting “stop hovering”! Ugh
Jen says:
Omg. You just took me back to when my now 8 and 4 year olds were 3.5 & newborn….3.5 year old constantly running and rolling on and loving on newborn. He looooovvvvveeeedddd him sooooo much. I felt like I was constantly saying “slow! Gentle! Quiet!” Only it was more like slowgentlequiet….no words of wisdom, just….hang in there. For what it’s worth, the baby made it through in one piece, is super tough and those two love each other fiercly….
Alexandria says:
Hi Heather!!
I hear you! I have two daughters 11 months apart and I had the same issue, except that being 11 months they dont get gentle or rules for that matter. If I needed piece of mind I tended to use a gate around the babys bassinet, or crib which meant no touching for anyone.. not just baby. Just a thought. Happy Wednesday.
Alexandria says:
AND especially the swing. If and when you start using one Annie will try to help and push it or get in it with him. Thats what my 11 month did. So the up went the gate.
Janette says:
My big boy was the exact same way when we brought his little brother home, only not as sweet. Unfortunately with the excitement came aggression and frustration, and biting, and dropping things on his brother’s head…
I wish I could offer advice, but we just had to power through it and wait it out. Deven is older and sweeter to his brother, and not as obsessed with him. He thinks he’s kind of annoying at times now.
Chris says:
I can understand how frustrating this is but I had the opposite experience–the older 3 year old brother was constantly trying to hurt the newborn–pinching, tugging, sitting on her! Be happy that she loves him this much.
Adrianne says:
OMG, I know that must be stressful for you, but this post made me giggle:) Especially the “not touching” picture. Ha.
I hope Annie learns to be gentle with little Jamsie (LOVE that nickname!) soon so that you don’t have to fear for his life when she comes barreling over for some smooches!
Bridget Go says:
So glad to hear I’m not the only one! We tell my 3 year old to “take a chill pill” so often that we now have pretend chill pills that we feed to her when she requests them. Oy.
Meg says:
YES. This is much of what we went through in the first six weeks with two small children. I felt like E was great with her brother, but with eeeeeeeeeverything else, she went from zero to sixty instantly. Every time I said no, every time I didn’t jump up to help her the second she asked, every time we had to change activities or get in the car or let her brother sleep. It’s really eased up though, so that’s something to look forward to!
Jeanie says:
No advice to get Annie to relax, but I just wanted to say that is such a good picture of all of you. James looks just like Annabel, and I love his little smile.
Karen says:
To further people’s suggestion that Annie might not fully comprehend what ‘relax’ means, you could always turn it into a game where, when you call relax, she has to find a spot to flop down very, very still and see how long she can stay there. >.>
Oh come on, it’s a nice thought!
Lauren says:
OUCH! this is exactly what I am going through right now, minus the newborn. We are all or nothing. Mostly all 24/7. It’s like someone sneaks in and gives him pixie stix when I’m not looking all day long. then we have a moment of quiet, meltdown time. then he’s not hungry then staaaarving within 3 minutes.
Bella says:
Time for a sticker chart for being gentle. She can help generate the ideas for rewards for each day she’s gentle with James. Get a mini trampoline good for getting her “bouncies”out.
Heather says:
We actually have both of those! And…they don’t seem to make much of a dent on her enthusiasm OR her energy. Both are boundless!
Tina says:
I don’t have kids so I know precisely nothing, but it seems like this is a situation where some pretty firm boundaries need to be set. It’s absolutely wonderful that she loves him so much but it would be so terrible if she accidentally hurt him, especially his fragile (and precious!) little head.
Nicolette says:
This may sound extreme..but I had a friend that her little boy was the same way and so she decided to tackle the morning feeding problem first. She literally would for the half hour that her son woke up, would take her newborn into her bedroom and lock the door. They had the baby monitor set up in the bedroom and so the little boy could “see” his little sister and mom, waive hello, and then east breakfast ect. My friend said it seemed to calm the anticipation because seeing his sis was like christmas morning- sooooo awesome but then once it is over, the anticipation at least toned down. Obviously two parents need to be present for this to work. Her husband would sit the boy down prior to a few minutes warning of my friend and the babe coming out and say that the newborn was so excited to hear three special things from her brother. 3 things. After babies next feeding. 3 more things. Eventually he learned, even at 3, to save up the moments and get on a schedule of special brother/sister time.
Nicolette says:
thinking about this more, you could even go in his room and facetime with her. Let her get her excitement out over the phone via pictures and your control. Maybe that would get the initial morning rush to slow down a bit!! Set up a morning chat with her brother, who is busy at the moment
Belinda says:
One word: THREENAGER!
No advice. But sympathy.
Annalisa says:
Hmmm, just had a thought. Can you redirect her to making him something to show her love instead? Like if she’s getting all antsy, suggest that Jamie might like it if she made him a drawing to look at? That might get him some peace and quiet (Jamie’s eyesight is still developing, so he won’t get much appreciation out of looking at drawings just yet, but she does not need to know that. ;))
Auntie_M says:
That shaking with enthusiasm/love thing??? My niece does it for her cousin, my nephew. She’s 4; he’s 2. Oh!! They love each other so much that they even kiss the fountain we have of a little girl with a littler boy if the other child isn’t there to hug/squeeze/kiss/tattle on! LOL
And then there is the little girl next door who is only 1 1/2–my niece does control herself long enough to ask Emily’s daddy if she can “pet her” (mind you, her hand is a centimeter away from doing so!).
And she just goes batty over any baby she sees: even on the computer. Good thing James can’t feel her love of him or he would really suffocate under all the love between his sister and my niece!!! Cuz he’s “soooooooooooooooooo cute Auntie M!!! I just want to hold him and kiss him!!!!”
isabel marant online says:
What a lovely story! The tale in this YouTube video that is posted at this place is actually a nice one with having good picture feature.