Today isn’t a good day. Everything is frustrating me. Everything is making me cry. Stupid things are setting me off. I can’t find the charger for my camera and I just want to lay down and quit. I miss Maddie so much I can hardly breathe. Annie has an upset tummy and she’s crying in misery and I’m crying with her. I hate that she hurts and all I can do is hug her and tell her it will feel better soon. She looks at me with her big blue eyes and doesn’t understand why it hurts. I don’t either.
I have four important people watching me like hawks – my general practitioner Dr. Looove, my obstetrician Dr. Risky, my therapist, and my psychiatrist. Yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I’ve been seeing them for months now.
I want to be mentally healthy, mentally present for my Annabel, and I’m working really hard at it. I had massive postpartum anxiety with Madeline so I knew I would be at an increased risk to get it again. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to suffer through it again. But this time around, with everything that’s happened, it has been inevitable. So the key is not avoiding it, but learning to manage and deal with it.
Therapy is really hard for me. I don’t love going and talking about my feelings, even if I feel better later. I hate crying in front of people, even if they see a thousand crying people a week. Therapy is a lot of work, and until you are ready for it, it’s not something that can help you. And then when you ARE ready, you have to find the right team. It took me a long time to find the right people to help me. I looked and looked, and I got discouraged. Luckily Dr. Risky gave me the referral I needed, and I found the perfect people for me. I am lucky that my insurance covers them. Most mental health isn’t covered by insurance, which really is a shame.
I wish I could say that therapy has been a magic fix. Unfortunately, there isn’t a fix for my biggest problem. But I go to my appointments and I talk about Madeline, and I cry, and laugh, and remember her. I tell them my fears and anxieties. It’s wonderful to have two people separate from my family and friends that I can “dump” on. I don’t have to worry about depressing them when they’re having a happy moment. That is invaluable for me.
I know not every day is going to be a good one. I just have to do my best to get through those bad days and moments. She deserves it.
I do, too.