Today isn’t a good day. Everything is frustrating me. Everything is making me cry. Stupid things are setting me off. I can’t find the charger for my camera and I just want to lay down and quit. I miss Maddie so much I can hardly breathe. Annie has an upset tummy and she’s crying in misery and I’m crying with her. I hate that she hurts and all I can do is hug her and tell her it will feel better soon. She looks at me with her big blue eyes and doesn’t understand why it hurts. I don’t either.
I have four important people watching me like hawks – my general practitioner Dr. Looove, my obstetrician Dr. Risky, my therapist, and my psychiatrist. Yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I’ve been seeing them for months now.
I want to be mentally healthy, mentally present for my Annabel, and I’m working really hard at it. I had massive postpartum anxiety with Madeline so I knew I would be at an increased risk to get it again. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to suffer through it again. But this time around, with everything that’s happened, it has been inevitable. So the key is not avoiding it, but learning to manage and deal with it.
Therapy is really hard for me. I don’t love going and talking about my feelings, even if I feel better later. I hate crying in front of people, even if they see a thousand crying people a week. Therapy is a lot of work, and until you are ready for it, it’s not something that can help you. And then when you ARE ready, you have to find the right team. It took me a long time to find the right people to help me. I looked and looked, and I got discouraged. Luckily Dr. Risky gave me the referral I needed, and I found the perfect people for me. I am lucky that my insurance covers them. Most mental health isn’t covered by insurance, which really is a shame.
I wish I could say that therapy has been a magic fix. Unfortunately, there isn’t a fix for my biggest problem. But I go to my appointments and I talk about Madeline, and I cry, and laugh, and remember her. I tell them my fears and anxieties. It’s wonderful to have two people separate from my family and friends that I can “dump” on. I don’t have to worry about depressing them when they’re having a happy moment. That is invaluable for me.
I know not every day is going to be a good one. I just have to do my best to get through those bad days and moments. She deserves it.
I do, too.
Laura says:
You are such an amazing mommy. It is no wonder your girls chose YOU.
Krissa says:
The shirt says it all. … Part of what you’re going through, frustration and stuff, I know firsthand. I know how bad it sucks to have something relatively small in the big picture crush you and it feels like it’s too much. I wish you didn’t have to go through this as a mom. At least when it happens to me, I don’t have a baby depending on me. But I pick up and keep going like you do. I guess that’s all we can do. Sending (((hugs))) and hoping for easier days ahead for you. Annabel is lucky to have you for a mom, as was Maddie.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
You’re amazing. And wonderful. Even on your bad days. I hope that writing this helped today not be so bad – it sounds, by the end, that you might have cheered yourself up a little. I hope Annie feels better soon!
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Perhaps negotiating skills could do with some work, too =-.
Maddie says:
Oh sweetie,
Knowing and recognising that you are hurting is going to be part of the process as you watch your lovely Annie grow up and wonder ‘What if?’ as she touches, reaches and indeed passes Maddie’s milestones.
That you are not hiding her big sister; that you are showing that every day isn’t going to be a bunch of roses; that you know that some days you are going to struggle, but the next day could bring total joy and sunshine is part of the grieving process, with or without a newborn child.
Some days will be hell, some days will be joy, combine that with what you have already said this week – you are tired out from caring out for a newborn baby, which won’t help when you are feeling raw with pain and wondering why you don’t have Maddie peering into the crib and pointing at Annie.
You’ve said it before, I’ve said it before, you just have to do the best you can, in the moment you can. If some times all you can do is cry, then let yourself cry, please don’t beat yourself up about it. You and Mike have already been through so much.
Be strong darling girl, it may never end, it may never get easier, but you will never forget your Maddie. You may find it easier to get used to living with it, but she will always be with you, cheering you on, knowing you are doing the best you can. Which is all anyone can ask for.
Much love, M xx
.-= Maddie´s last blog ..I was having a good day… =-.
Alice says:
This. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Madeline is so proud of you, Heather – and Annabel will be so proud of both of you when you’re older and reads this entry.
Marcela G says:
Exactly! me either. Dear Heather, continue being strong, continue writing, and continue raising Annie that way you are; you’re giving her love but you’re also sharing with her who her sister was and the special place she will hold in everyone’s hearts. We all wish there was a way to bring sweet Maddie back… we all wonder about the place she is in from where I am sure she sees you and watches over your family. It wasn’t an easy day, but you’re not alone, don’t forget that darling
.-= Marcela G´s last blog ..What the Winter Olympics should remind everyone… =-.
Lynnette says:
Just wanted to say I am praying for you as you work through the postpartum depression along with dealing with grief and the sheer exhaustion of being a mom to a newborn. You are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
cj says:
yes, i couldn’t agree more. thank you, Heather. our thoughts and prayers are with your family.
Kylie says:
Take every day one at a time… tomorrow will be a better day You are doing so great Heather! xxx
Rachel says:
you are so brave
catherine lucas says:
Your last two sentences say it all: she deserves it. And I do too. Yes, you both deserve good days. It must be an unimagible process to be grieving and have a new baby at the same time. Things like that take time. I know it is a rotten cliche, but rotten cliche’s have their uses. Especially on days that it’s almost too hard to live…
Keep holding on to the grass, for Annabel and for you… Don’t let go!
Kim R says:
I am again struck speechless by your courage and strength. You may not always, on these days, feel courageous and strong, but I truly believe you are. I am also amazed by your beautiful girls. Even though I am a total stranger to you, you are often in my thoughts. You are an inspiration to all of us mothers out here with good and bad days.
Kim
Al says:
totally agree with this post. i continue to be inspired by your stregth and courage to share your story of both grief and joy. your ability to be so honest about your feelings is something that is not common (in my opinion). thank you for sharing with us all.
tracey says:
thank you. thank you a million times over for sharing your life with us. you are a remarkable woman and maddie and annie are lucky to have you as a role model.
all the best.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Oh, Heather, I’m so sorry – I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better. You will be in my thoughts today.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Why aren’t these men naked? =-.
Sue says:
My heart aches so badly for you, Heather. I can only begin to imagine the extreme pain of missing Maddie, and the only thing that would fix it is having her come back to you. Annie looks so beautiful lying there, and I hope that her Mommy can feel better someday,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,You are loved by so many, Heather,,,,,,
Karen says:
Heather, as someone that has battled with severe anxiety for over a decade, I know so well what you mean about therapy. It is both a blessing and a curse. It’s also so frustrating when your will and desire to be “better” are simply not good enough. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. I’ve so often beat myself up for those two steps back – they have often consumed me and made me feel like I’ll never win. My lovely therapist has a knack for seeing when I feel like that and helps me focus on those single steps…. the wins. The times I have overcome my anxieties and achieved something to be celebrated (yet I don’t because I’m so focused on my failures). She is teaching me “to be gentle with myself” to take the downs and challenges for what they are but not something I should be able to fix just because I have that expectation set for myself. It’s hard, but I am slowly being able to give all those little victories the attention they deserve. And on the days the setbacks kick my ass, I’m gentle with myself.
You are an inspiration Heather. You’re doing both of your girls proud. xo
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – February 17, 2010 =-.
amanda says:
I am so sorry you are struggling – postpartum can be so hard and you have so much more going on than most people – thinking of you.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..ten years. =-.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Oh I’m crying with you, too. I’m so thankful you have these
resources. And that sweet baby. Hope you had a restful night.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..In Real Life =-.
charlane says:
I hope that every tomorrow is better than the last. Saying a prayer fro you each day.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..My Happy Cake =-.
Kelly says:
Glad that you were prepared for the PPD, and know and recognize what it is…every day gets better, and easier.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..A Snow Angel…and a Fro Fro =-.
Colleen says:
She is so wonderful. It’s hard to believe that anyone cold be sad with that piece of wonderfulness around, but it can happen. It’s hard to reconcile a beautiful baby with depression, which makes us even more depressed and confused. Ride the tide Heather, you will reach shore. She is amazing and that has nothing to do with your depression, they are two different things. Love her, love yourself and take care of both of you. Keep looking for the lifeguard on the beach and stay focused. I will say a prayer for you!
Stephannie says:
This may sound so ridiculous, but if you really want to try a quicker and far less painful fix, I recommend something called Time Line Therapy…it’s a real therapy and works a million times faster than traditional talk-it-out-till-you-want-to-puke therapy.
I don’t know if there are any registered Time Line therapists in your area, but I really encourage you to at least Google it and learn about it.
I has helped me a thousand times over with PPD and other life-stealing issues.
Good luck to you and big, huge hugs.
Stephannie
jen says:
Yes, you do. Both of you. Giant, squeezie (((Hugs))) from here!
.-= jen´s last blog ..Ah, Thursday =-.
Cristina says:
I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this… But as you said, it’s probably inevitable. I think I had PPD with my first as well, though I never got diagnosed. So when my second baby was born I was well aware of it and tried as much as I could to avoid it.
What I did differently this time was sleep with the baby in our bed. I know the whole SIDS hoopla, but studies actually show that only people who were drunk or did drugs ever rolled over their baby, and that in a sample of over 100,000 couples who slept with their baby. So when she wakes up at night I turn, put the breast in her mouth and we both fall asleep again. It’s a bliss, and I’m not tired at all anymore. That makes a world of difference! She’s 6 months old now and so far no PPD.
For colic (and your milk supply) you should try to drink fennel tea – it works wonders. Also, what helped my daughter when her belly was hurting was heat. I would lie in bed on my back and put her on top of me, belly to belly. She always stopped crying when I did that.
Good luck, and remember: it WILL get better soon! Huggs, all the way from Germany,
Cristina
Jill says:
Sounds like you’re doing the best that you can and are surrounding yourself with the right support.
You’re kick ass for knowing you need help — I hope it gets a little better every day.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Noise sensitivity =-.
J. says:
Love you, Heather. Do you mind me saying that even though I don’t know you “in real life”? I read every day. I love your beautiful girls. I wish you didn’t have a life that demanded so much emotional courage. Like so many others who cheer you on, I wish I could bear some of your burden, though I know I couldn’t do it with a fraction of your grace.
Feel better, Annabel!!! And Heather, hope you find a little peace. Bad days just suck.
.-= J.´s last blog ..Friday =-.
Mary Ann says:
Oh Heather I’m sorry you are feeling so down – I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a huge hug and tell you what an inspiration you are to so many people. You are such a fantastic mother and a wonderful person. I cannot even imagine all the feelings you are going through now. Greiving is such a long process, losing someone you love changes you forever, and while there is a hole in your heart that can never be filled, I promise one day you will it will get easier to remember the good times and smile. I am sure with April right around the corner that is addiding to your stress. Take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time if you need to. Keep talking about your feelings, we are here to listen anytime you need to get something out. I feel such a connection to you and your family and we have never even met. I hope you know how much we all care for all of you. xoxo
Lisa Marie says:
I think that you are doing a great job. You have not shut down for your Annie. Some people would take this situation and make the worst out of it because they can’t move forward. YOU accept that there are a few speed bumps and you take it slow. It is not a marathon when it comes to your emotions. Heather, you have every right to feel the way that you do. You suffered a great loss. You have stayed strong through it all and you are allowed to break down… you are human. If you didn’t feel all of these things you would be a robot. Plus feeling them gets the emotions out and that feels a lot better than letting it all build up. You have pushed through everything and you should be proud of yourself for not shutting down completely. You are a good woman and a great mommy. Your daughters are very lucky to have you…
Just a little tip from my crazy world: Joshua Radin’s music seems to calm me down when too much is going on in my brain..
.-= Lisa Marie´s last blog ..Free of Me… =-.
Sarah P says:
So glad to know you have a great health support team.
I waited way too long to deal with postpartum depression.
Of course you will have hard days. You deserve to face them with a clear mind.
Many thoughts of you today.
.-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Down, down baby. =-.
Nellie says:
You are doing everything right and even in those really bad days/moments, you are not alone — you are surrounded by love, support and hugs that your heart needs.
I can’t imagine (I know, broken record here!) what you went through and continue to go through but I hope you know that you and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
May Madeline special Star always shine brightly upon you, Mike and Annabel!!
Java@nevergrowingold.blogspot.com says:
I can’t imagine the sadness you must feel inside. I feel for you. I too always got post partum depression and so you must have it double. You probably always ask yourself “why?”…..my heart aches for you….don’t beat yourself up saying to yourself that you wish you could go back in time….Maddie was put on this earth…even though for a short time..for a reason…cherish her memories and let her live on in your heart.
JMD says:
Thinking of you and praying for you, you are an amazing mom.
Karen says:
Both of my children were very colicky on breast milk. After ten weeks I switched to Isomil and they were much more comfortable and slept almost through the night.
Hang in there, Heather.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Elsie & Al =-.
Meg...CT says:
Be kind and good to yourself…you are on a difficult journey.
Kimberly says:
Hi Heather- I haven’t written in a while but think, pray and hold you all in my heart from a far (Australia). I appreciate so much you being so honest with how it is to deal with depression and mental issues. It is something that a close family member struggles with and is sometimes so hard for others to understand.
Congrats on your new sweet baby and know that you are loved by so many.
Lori says:
Praying for you as you continue to walk this road!!! So thankful that you have a support system around you….and plenty of baby snuggles, which are the best in the world……
Julie says:
There isn’t much I can say that hasn’t already been said or you haven’t already tried…but know you are not alone. And know that as hard as the bad days are, they are necessary to keep making way for the good. My situation is certainly different, but I know the pain of loss – of watching your child (in my case son and daughter) slip away too soon and there was nothing you could do to stop it. I know the pain and joy that comes with the next child. It’s so tough to manage the day to day joy for Annie with the day to day pain for Maddie.
I wish I could take your pain away…to hug you and tell you it’s going to be okay. And we’ve never even met. Trust in yourself…trust that you are right where you need to be, whether good or bad…trust that Mike, Maddie and Annie are so very lucky to have you. We all are.
“Hope is what happens as long as we breathe…for although it takes time, the sorrow will ease.” Just keep breathing…sometimes it’s all we can do and it IS enough!
Hugs from Indiana.
Ginnny says:
I believe that all of you will continue to find the strength to carry you through those most difficult of times.
And Belle Annabel will just bat her long lashes at you if you don’t! Much love and support from afar …
Heather says:
bravo to you for knowing that you need to be there, in every sense of the word, for Annie! ((((HUGS))))
.-= Heather´s last blog ..ever have one of those? =-.
Miche says:
Huge Hugs to you
.-= Miche´s last blog ..When to do Bunk Beds =-.
JoAnn says:
I don’t think you can ever comprehend the voracity of my admiration of you, Heather. And likely for many, many people who follow you here. Your strength and your honesty make me want to be a better person.
Jen L. says:
Good for you for taking control of your health. SO many of us don’t do it and are worse off for it. I waited much longer than I should have to get help for PPD, but the minute I talked to someone, I started feeling better. I”m glad your insurance covers your therapy. We’re lucky like that, too…all mental health care is covered 100%. Take care of yourself–you all deserve Heather at her best!
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..The first week =-.
Dorothea Richards says:
Thanks for sharing your experience with therapy so openly. I’m always amazed when people are reluctant to go to a therapist/psychologist/etc. when they have been through trauma or even when they just aren’t feeling “right”… to me it is the obvious thing to do and I think that it helps everyone out there to speak openly about this.
Also – I come here every morning to read your blog. All I can say is – thank you.
Leena says:
you both do deserve it- you are right there will be bad days, with all that your family has gone through it’s expected but i know that even when you feel like you are at the end of yourself God will give you an extra measure of strength to continue on. as always love annd prayers to each of you!
suzanne says:
You do deserve it. You really, really do. I may not know you, but I know that any mother who celebrates and loves her daughters the way you do deserves to find peace and happiness on the good days.
Mahala says:
I know exactly what you mean by not wanting to “dump” on friends and family. It’s a relief to have someone to open up to about things and not have to worry that you’re going to make them unhappy or uncomfortable.
Alexandra says:
I enjoy my therapy, too. And I’m realistic about what it’ll do. I just knew I had to go, mainly b/c I had to quit using my friends as therapists! That’ll burn out quickly..
But, yes, therapy is wonderful. I have spent a lifetime attempting to recover from a parental suicide. Yeah, I know…how do you recover? Well, you don’t, you just learn “tricks” to help you function.
nic @mybottlesup says:
*HUG* anxiety is such a bitch.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..my hair may be unwashed as well as my body, but i have deoderant on and eye makeup =-.
Megan says:
(((HUGS)))
Just take it one day at a time.
Tamela says:
Just wanted to send some *hugs* your way.
Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, I think you said it best in your last paragraph, not every day is going to be a good day. I’m glad you have a whole group of people working with you, listening to you, helping you.
Remember you are amazing and Annabel feels your love every day. You are a wonderful mom.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Dental Care During Pregnancy =-.
Christine says:
I was in therapy after my 2nd child was born an I suffered PPD brought on by PTSD after a delivery complication and my sons birth injury (neuro). Her help and and support were invaluable.
As far as Annie’s tummy troubles – my third baby was by far my MOST content baby. I attribute that to my wheat and dairy free diet as I breastfed (she isthe only one I did this with). She is now 3 and eats all things – wheat and dairy is incl in her diet. But I think keeping it out of her brand new belly kept her feeling good.
Dianne says:
My second baby was diagnosed with Milk Soy Protein Intolerance (MSPI) was also greatly affected when I ate anything with milk or soy in it. (Later we found he also reacted to gluten.) I had to read labels like a detective, but it was well worth it to have a happy baby who was no longer crying nearly 24/7. You might want to try eliminating (or at least greatly reducing) dairy from your diet as a test. Watch for casein and whey in labels as well as the obvious “milk” ingredients. Instead of replacing milk with soy milk, try almond milk, or rice milk, or hemp milk. There are some delicious rice milk and coconut milk ice creams. And, tons of foods you wouldn’t expect are milk-free (including Oreos!!).
I am sorry that you might need to adjust your diet on top of everything else, but helping Annie’s tummy to feel better might be very well worth the additional effort.
Thank you for sharing both of your beautiful daughters with us. Yesterday’s pictures of Maddie were so cute – especially the feet sticking out through the crib slats.
Ms. Moon says:
Yes. You do deserve it. I have likened going to therapy to vomiting nails. For me, this was the way it was. Hard, hard, painful work. But in the end (if there ever is an end) it’s work that must be done for you and for your family.
I wish you peace of heart.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Things I Hate Doing To The Point of Neurosis =-.
Jenn says:
OOhh Sweetheart!
I’,m so very sorry you’ve had a difficult day! I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a warm hug. Things will get better Heather – one tiny step at a time.
I don’t think anyone truly loves therapy as you’re right…it’s hard work but if it makes you feel better (even just a little) then, it’s working – couldn’t ask more than that to happen!
Thinking & Praying for you my friend!!
Take Care,
Jenn
Smoochagator says:
I hate crying in front of people, too! I don’t care if they’re professionals, I do not like to be vulnerable, thankyouverymuch. You are so right – therapy only helps if you’re really ready for it. I’m glad that you’re in a place where it is helpful, and where you’re able to be vulnerable, for yourself AND your family.
.-= Smoochagator´s last blog ..Emily the Blogger =-.
Delenn says:
I dealt with Post Partum Depression after both my kids, the first time was awful and I had no where to go. I agree about therapists–and I was lucky to find a good one too. I cannot imagine adding to PPD with the depression of losing a child. You are doing the best things for yourself and Annabel and your family. Just remember that with the bad days–come good days too!
Thinking of you all…
.-= Delenn´s last blog ..Perfect Moment Monday (on Tuesday) =-.
Michele says:
Sweet friend. Such honesty. Such love and pain. I’m sorry for the days you want to be left to your sorrows and hurt. I’m sorry there is a void that can’t be filled…ever. All I can say with absolute sureness is God loves you and feels your pain and anguish and is holding you. And Maddie….sweet baby girl Maddie…she is with you softly stroking your face, wiping your tears, kissing her mama. She is there with her daddy giggling and giving him kisses too. And Annie….she is an amazing light for her sister. So for the days your heart is heavy and needs to shut down..go ahead..Maddie is loving you and yours so nobody is going without. You don’t always have to “keep it together”. Have your days….then have your truly happy days and know that’s OK too. No judgment here!! We love you! We PRAY for you and yours! You and Mike are doing sooooo good with Annie…so proud of you! So pick up your heart and hold her, love her, tell her many stories about her sissy, cry with her, and just be there. One day at a time. Hugs! And God bless!
Adrienne says:
Yes, you do! Many thoughts and big hugs going out to you!!
Nikki says:
So sorry that today is such a sucky day. Sending lots of {{hugs}} and LOVE and positive wishes your way in hopes that they reach you in some way.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
Big hugs to you, sweetie.
So hard.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one second at a time.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..State Of Being =-.
Megan says:
Your bravery helps me overcome some of my fear. Thank you.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Or is this funnier? =-.
Molly says:
You *so* deserve to be happy, and not all days will be this hard.
Your love for your daughters seems so seamless and natural, I think Annie is going to be OK no matter what. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself–you are doing better than you know.
Erica says:
Dear sweet Heather,
I’m so sorry to read you have been having a difficult day. Caring for a newborn is always so very difficult and so very demanding especially when they have colic or reflux. I remember the time with my own little girl only too well, my husband would often come home from work to find us both in tears in the early days. Of course you, dear sweet Heather, have so much more to cope with on top of all this. You cope with so much on a daily basis and you always carry yourself with such dignity. Your courage and strengh continue to amaze me. Your positve attitute that we so often see through your words is such an inspiration for us all.
I’m so pleased to hear you have such a good support time there for you. Your readers are all here for you too. We’re still here to hold your hand along your journey and give us your support. I’m sending you a big hug today and all my good vibes tomorrow will be a better day – for you, the amazing Mummy to Maddie and Annie and for the amazing Annie too. I hope Annie feels better soon.
Thinking of you all.
With love from Erica
Becky @TheRealBecks says:
you DO deserve to be happy. i’m glad you have a good set of doctors to make sure you get there. ppd is a bitch. managing it is key, like you said. lots of hugs to y’all.
.-= Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..Progress =-.
Shannon says:
I’m so glad you found a team to help you through this. You are doing an amazing job, and I know Maddie and one day Annabel will be so proud of you!
With Love & Prayers,
Shannon
dawn says:
It’s so exhausting …. I’d say more, but I have to take a nap after just thinking about it all …
MamaCas says:
I’m so glad to hear that you’re being watched over by such a competent team. And you’re right….it’s helpful to “dump” on someone who is completely impartial. You’re on such a long, hard road and I wish there were some magic wand to wave that would make it all better. Instead, I can only send you *hugs* and tell you that, even though we’ve never met, you’re in my thoughts….always.
Momma Uncensored says:
its the best thing you can do for yourself.. i too suffered massive anxiety with the first and plopped my fine ass in therapy a few months ago to ready for the second baby. it helps to have someone help you sort your feelings and validate that you are in fact, not crazy.
thinking of you.. & she is precious.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..kablam! =-.
Katie C. says:
After my miscarriage, I had what I can only describe as massive post-partum anxiety/depression. It was terrible. My whole body was going through such turmoil from the drop in hormones and the loss of my baby. I remember sitting in my bedroom with my mind and heart racing – hungry but unable to eat. My husband forced me to come out and eat something, but all I could choke down were Ensure shakes. It was a terrible time, but somehow I eventually pulled out of that horrible pit of despair. I know what you have experienced is far, far worse… your sweet Madeline was a year old, my baby was yet to even be born. But I think some of the emotions and feelings are the same… it is just such a solitary feeling. I can only imagine that even with the joy of having little Annie, that your mind and body still aches for Maddie, and those conflicting emotions make post-partum even worse. I am so happy to hear that you are talking to some awesome therapists, though. It will make all the difference.
In the meantime, you are a TERRIFIC mother to your little Annie. And she is so lucky to have you as her mommy! Maddie is so proud of you, too!
Katie in WI says:
And then the sleep deprivation on top of everything else!
Thinking of you today.
Jennifer Travis says:
I had postpartum with both of my kids too..but I never lost one as you did so i can only imagine how magnified this must be. I am sorry this is so hard. You’ll push through it, I know you will. I am praying for you as you and your little family stay on my heart. I don’t know you but I follow your blog. You guys are incredible and are such an inspriation. And that baby girl of yours…gorgeous. I am pregnant with baby #3 and I hope she/he is is as precious as Annabel…and Madeline. God Bless you.
.-= Jennifer Travis´s last blog ..His Kind of Love =-.
Dee says:
Thinking of you. ***HUG*** Hoping you can feel all of the love and support from Blogland adding to your “real life” support network. Know that you are loved.
.-= Dee´s last blog ..Busy feet =-.
Janet says:
so sorry Heather, just so sorry…..((hugs))
Kim says:
Remember when you were pregnant still and I told you that it was going to be really hard when she got here? This is what I was talking about.
You can do this. You will do this. I love you. Dump on me anytime friend.
cindy w says:
Even if you *didn’t* have post-partum anxiety the first time around, after everything you’ve been through this past year, I would have been shocked if you didn’t have it this time. I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time, but so incredibly glad that you have a good team supporting you. Love you. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..a little toddler romance =-.
Michelle says:
Oh Heather I completely understand. I had horrible PPD with my first, it came back with my second and then never left. I’ve been on antidepressants for years and am about to see a psychiatrist for the first time. I admire you for taking charge. I know it’s hard. We’ll get through it. xoxo
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..The Endo Appointment That Could Have Been Worse =-.
Sarah R says:
Hugs, hugs, hugs!!! I am sorry you’re feeling this way.
.-= Sarah R´s last blog ..39w6d appointment update =-.
sanela says:
You are such a wonderful mom always remember that your girls are very lucky
Lisa says:
I know in one of the other posts you talked about her spitting up . . . do you think she could have reflux? If so, I highly recommend taking her to a chiropractor. It was the only thing (including high doses of reflux medicine) that worked for my son’s severe reflux.
won says:
I understand. It’s gotten really dark around here too lately.
It never goes away, does it? We just learn to manage it…more successfully during some stretches of time than others.
It’s overwhelming and suffocating at times.
.-= won´s last blog ..72% =-.
Trisha Vargas says:
You do deserve it! I have no doubt you will give Annie all that she deserves too.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Mama Mongoose says:
This absolutely sucks. The suckiness will enhance the wonderful though and there will be plenty of that. I know that all of us would do anything we could for you to help you get to through this part quickly.
When I was somewhere dark during my own post partum, Darius Rucker’s song “It won’t be like this for long” came on the radio – and I don’t even listen to country music.
Thank you for trusting us with your story, your hope and your pain. As you show us how to put one foot in front of the other, we are all learning to walk.
Jamie says:
I know it will never be okay, but I think you and Mike and Annie are going to be as okay as okay gets. I'm glad you've found a team to help you. When I was in therapy just having there to tell me that it was okay to feel like I felt without an obligation to tell me that because they loved me was one of the best things for me.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..WFMW-Infomercials don’t ALWAYS lie. =-.
Kelley says:
Hang in there Heather… we’re all rooting for you and better days ahead.
Rosemary says:
You’re strength is amazing.
You are an amazing Mommy and both Maddie and Annie are so lucky to have you.
Keep strong and know that there are lots of people out there that are thinking of you daily
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
You are so fortunate to get the help you need.
And don’t forget – you have an entire community here holding you up.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Lions and Giraffes and Groups, OH MY =-.
Tiffany says:
Yes you do! I suffered with ppd twice and it really sucks, especially for you. I hope you will feel peace soon.
Chris says:
I have watched your life unfold – but today I end the lurk and finally comment. Thought it might help to hear from someone at the other end of the parenting journey – the hard work you are doing now is going to pay off forever. Loss, grief, anxiety… my middle names when my daughter was small. But like you, I went for help… and went… and went… so I could be the best mom I could be, and give her the childhood she deserved. Today Jaclyn is bright, beautiful and more “together” than any 21-year-old should be, but I am still her rock to lean on and her soft place to fall. (Think Gilmore Girls but with the mother as a real mother…)
For you and your Annie, I am seeing the same… and you are making it so.
Chris
Chris says:
Oh yeah, and I forgot to say, when therapy gets fun, that’s when they kick you out. So unfair…
Pamela @ 2 Much Testosterone says:
You are very strong to talk about this to all of us. I had severe Postpartum Depression and my blog was a huge outlet for me.
Good luck! You’ll pull through. For me I thought I would never defeat it but just like everyone kept saying, one day the switch flips and it’s gone.
.-= Pamela @ 2 Much Testosterone´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Alice Is SO My Bitch! =-.
Jen the Catalyst says:
We all need facilitation and help sometimes!!!!
Kudos to you for having the courage to persevere!
.-= Jen the Catalyst´s last blog ..Starting a Business is like Wedding Photography =-.
Christy says:
Wow, thank you for being so honest. I’m struggling with honesty I guess. People ask how I’m doing and my standard answer is, “okay.” It’s not a total lie, but it’s not the complete truth either. No parent should have to deal with the loss of a child. You’re doing a great job. I hope my husband and I find the right team to help us through our loss. Thanks again for sharing with us.
Warmly,
Christy
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Rock on sista! =-.
Kristabella says:
You know, if you told us it wasn’t hard, I’d be worried about you.
I’m glad you have the help you need. And while some days it may not feel like it is helping, I’m sure it is. It is so nice to talk to someone who isn’t a family member or friend.
HUGS!
.-= Kristabella´s last blog ..Crazy Biker Magnet =-.
Tina says:
Oh Heather, I am so sorry that you are struggling. I had CRAZY anxiety after my son was born, plus he had colic and acid reflux. I was so sick with anxiety that it scared me. I though that there was no way that I could be a good mom. Therapy helped, but so did time. Please call me if you need to talk. It sounds bad, but I didn’t really like my son until he was 3 months old. I loved him, but I didn’t like him I felt so guilty about that. Evetually I learned that what I was feeling was pretty normal and I learned how to feel less guilty about my feelings.
If my experience was that terrible, I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I am really here if you need me. I check your blog every morning and i think of you often. If you want to talk, I am always available. Time will help honey, but in the meantime just know that what you are feeling is ok. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Annie is gorgeous by the way, just like her sister.
Jodee says:
Ah I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the mixture of feelings you must be having right now. I am so glad you have Annie to help you through this. She is so adorable and I think she looks a little like her beautiful older sister in this picture. big hug!
.-= Jodee´s last blog ..Pray for Layla Grace =-.
Jess L. says:
Hang in there.
Love (and tears) from Boston.
Tara. says:
I don’t have the same reasons for having a therapist and a psychiatrist, but I do understand the mixed emotions that go along with having/needing them and participating.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Having a new baby is hard enough and you have the added “stuff” in the mix. You’re doing an amazing job and I’m so proud of you for not giving up so that you and Annie can be the best you can be. You definitely deserve it!
kbreints says:
I continue to be in awe of how you are able to put into words what you are feeling… and how you are able to share all of this. You are an amazing woman and you deserve to have that group of doctors surrounding you.
.-= kbreints´s last blog ..randomness =-.
Jamie M says:
Heather I’m so sorry you have to have any bad days at all. I pray for you and your family daily. Squeeze your little Annabel extra today.
.-= Jamie M´s last blog ..15 Things I Did On Vacation =-.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
Much love xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Joy through their Eyes Part II =-.
Mary says:
PPD is hard enough, I can’t imagine the how magnified it would be after the loss of your child. I am glad you are getting help. You are right, it IS hard work. For some reason we think things should be easy, or that getting better shouldn’t require all this hard work, but I guess that is the way we were designed to operate. I hope Annie’s tummy troubles improve, I had two colicky babies and PPD/anxiety are NOT improved by a crying, hurting baby. HUGS to you.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..SEE IT =-.
Shirley says:
Crying along with you. . .
Miss Grace says:
I love you sweetie.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Diptych – Bold =-.
Jeannine says:
have you asked dr loove about reflux. both my kids had it, one of which never spit up,(the other did every five seconds) but it was causing both to be really upset in the tummy area and cry a lot. they can prescribe oral zantac which for both my kids was a lifesaver. THey’ll hate it at first till they get used to the taste. We also went through bottles and bottles of “infant anti-gas” aka mylecon or Little Tummies.
i am one to believe they cry for a reason, not “just colic”.
((hugs))
Aunt Becky says:
I adore you, bitch. Talking about feelings is hard work, it’s terrible work, and it’s awful. I’m proud to know you. Really, really proud to call you one of my BFF. Because you are. SORRY.
Can’t wait to come meet my baby Annabel and rub your postpartum belly. You can rub my food baby! It will be awkward!
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Talk Dirty To Me =-.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
You continue to amaze me with your strength. Postpartum is so hard anyway. At least it was for me. I had postpartum depression with both babies and it adds to the challenges of a newborn on top of that. But you, you’ve gone through more than anyone can ever imagine going through. You not only have to recover from the physical things like the surgery and having a new baby who need to eat constantly, you have to look at that beautiful baby every day and be achingly reminded of her beautiful sister. I am glad that therapy is a safe place for you to cry, although I agree it’s really hard to talk about things you don’t want to talk about. I wish you peace on that journey. Just take it moment by moment. Annie couldn’t have a better Mommy, she just couldn’t.
You love her more than life and that is enough. When you’re tired, and weepy and just down, it’s enough. You are feeding her, loving her and there for her. Don’t expect too much of yourself. She knows she is loved. I hope that it gets a little easier soon – this is such a vulnerable period anyway and you are just amazing. You teach me something about life every single time I read your blog.
I wish you a better day tomorrow and some peace today.
Hugs,
Tricia xoxxox
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..My Birthday Boy =-.
April says:
Every emotion has a beginning, a middle and an end. I think they take longer when we try to suppress them or shake ourselves out of them somehow. I mean, obviously, we have to tend to our babies first and all of that, but PLEASE don’t feel guilty about not being happy every second of the day!
Marnie :) says:
Hugs to you Heather. I’m glad you were able to find the perfect people to help you through this.
**********************
About baby Annabel’s tummy troubles. I know you are already giving her gripe water, but I just wanted to let you know what worked for my baby.
My youngest daughter had horrible gas (I could hear the gas bubbles move in her tummy) and at 2 weeks old she had colic. She would be ok during the day, only some gas discomfort, but at 5pm EVERYDAY the crying would start. No bouncing, feeding, rocking, rubbing her tummy would work. She was breastfed and even when I changed my diet, she still had problems. We would turn a hair dryer on near her and the noise of it helped a little (for us the hair dryer worked better than the vacuum). She cried most of the evening until 10pm, then we would have our sweet baby again. It got to the point we would be out at the store or a resturant and see that it was almost 5pm and start to hurry to get home before the crying started.
My husband found Colic Calm online & it saved our sanity. It works for gas, colic, teething, & acid reflux. He drove to Long Beach to buy it (which is about an hour away from us) rather than wait for it to be shipped. The first time we tried it she stopped crying after about a minute. Sometimes it would take 2 doses, but not often. We also continued using the noise of the hair dryer. We were lucky her colic only lasted 6 wks, but it would have been a lot harder to get through it without the use of Colic Calm & the hair dryer.
http://www.coliccalm.com/index.html
I recommend it to every mom I know if their baby has any sort of tummy troubles. It does stain clothes & her poop will turn black (but only while you use it.) I really hope your beautiful Annabel feels better soon.
Dianne says:
We tried ColicCalm also – and she’s right – it makes everything black (spit up, poo, etc.) We were hoping it would work miracles for us like it did for Marnie. Unfortunately, it worked a slight bit for us because the underlying problem for my son was MSPI. The solution to our 7-month-long “colic” turned out to be changing my diet. Once we learned about MSPI and I truly eliminated even the tiniest bits of milk and soy from my diet, it was like my son was reborn and we could finally enjoy him as a baby.
tara says:
i am thinking of you every day and sending you hugs from afar. you are so very strong, and brave. there are so many of us out here, wrapping you, mike, annie and maddie with so much love. xoxo
Chrisie says:
You both deserve it, and you are doing everything in your power! Annie is so lucky to have you!
(((HUGS)))
Courtney says:
You are an amazing person and so courageous to do the things you do in Maddie’s name! I hope that you feel better each day! God Bless.
Katie says:
With you all the way, even if it is only via the virtual realm. It’s easy to stick it through the easy times, but the difficult times can really hit us hard. But there’s ALWAYS a silver lining, you’ll get through this no probs!
Kristin says:
Praying that the bad times get a little easier.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Perfect Moment Monday: He’s Still My Baby =-.
Della says:
I’m sorry, Heather. I’m glad that you are set up with some help in coping, but I think that’s like saying I’m glad you only had to have a triple instead of a quadruple bypass.
Today is my son’s second birthday, and not a milestone goes by without me thinking of Maddie, and of you in the same breath.
For what it’s worth, with a 5 month old, it is very fresh in my memory that the worst of the newborn freakout-how-much-longer-can-i-live-like-this is RIGHT NOW, and in another 2-3 weeks that pressure should ease off.
Additionally, my daughter also has reflux like Annie seems to, and the absolute worst of it was right at that age, after we got her meds for it but before they really kicked in. Having to eat closer together, doing that “i just spit up a little in my mouth” thing, the continual hiccups…
Three things that helped a TON for us: don’t lay flat for 20+ minutes after feeding (including change diaper always BEFORE eating so that it’s not necessary to be flat for that), pacifier (like gum to soothe indigestion; it stimulates production of saliva which helps soothe the tummy) and putting a blanket under one end of the mattress so she slept with her head elevated.
mrs chaos says:
Sending a ton of love and healing your way…
statia says:
The fact that you’re aware of what could happen and that you recognize it, already makes you the best mom you can be. I know the feeling of PPD all too well. Hang in there, and I hope it gets better for you.
.-= statia´s last blog ..Baby Bird =-.
Deborah says:
Thinking about you today, as always.
(((hugs and love)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..I’m BACK, Baby! =-.
Camie says:
I think you are incredible for getting through the terrible days and the wonderful days and the days in between.
Tammy says:
You are so smart. Your girls are lucky to have you for a mom. I’m so sorry this time isn’t complete for you.
Marti from Michigan says:
You and Mike can take ALL the time you need to grieve Heather. It’s only been slightly under a year since Maddie became an angel. I know it is different, but I still miss my preemie who died. I still miss my parents. I miss my nephew, and it has been years since they all went away.
I’ve been in counseling, nothing wrong with it. I take an antidepressant now because I have been without a good job for 4 years and am pressured to find a good job.
Seems lately with the way the economy is, and just the way the world is, every person on this earth seems to have some kind of difficulty in their lives.
I agree with everyone above me, you and Mike are the greatest parents, and the nicest people, and your girls are very lucky to have you be chosen for their parents.
Mary says:
Sometimes a person really needs to scream that the bad days suck, because they do. You have all of us out here to listen to you say they suck and to help you in whatever way we can, even if that’s just agreeing that, yes, they suck more than anyone could ever imagine. (I totally wanted to use a phrase referencing a donkey that my husband always used, so just know that the phrase is there in invisible parentheses.) I know I’ve said this before, but let yourself cry, scream, rant, break things, throw things, etc. when you feel like you need to. THe people who love you will still be standing there waiting for you with open arms.
Much love to you all.
SJ says:
Heather,
You were so much on my mind last night. I was just thinking about how much I admire you, think you are an amazing Mother. My heart was going out to you though because I was just thinking how intense things must be for you right now with a mixture of incredible grief, joy and relief at Annie’s arrival, sleep deprivation, post-birth hormones, etc. I’m so happy to hear that you have a ‘team’ of people outside of your family and friends looking out for you. I have never lost a child, but I have had some really traumatic experiences that have required therapy and a psychiatrist, and I agree that it is hard work and also hard to find the right people, but once you do it can literally be a life line. I also hate crying in front of people, but when you find the right therapist it is not as bad.
Please know that there are so many of us out there caring about you and wishing you all the best. You deserve happiness again. Big Hugs.
Alison says:
I am grateful you have the support system you need with your doctors and therapist. No one needs to go it alone, so to speak. You have so much strength. And, of course, a lot of love around you.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..What is a Twin Good For, Anyway? =-.
Miriam says:
I’m so glad you have a support team making sure you can face your fears, grief and anxiety head-on.
I know you are working hard to be the best mom you can be to Annie and that in and of itself makes you an amazing mom.
and stop watching American Idol you don’t need to give yourself a head ache on top of everything else!
Binkytowne says:
It’s fab that you have people to talk through these things with, but it’s still ok to say THIS SUCKS once in awhile. Don’t discount those hormones either, they are wicked strong and can bring the best of us down.
My advice for today: Let it out. Stand in the shower and let the water run and yell THIS SUCKS as loud as you can. As many times as you want. Rinse, lather, repeat.
.-= Binkytowne´s last blog ..It’s Cold =-.
Kandi Ann says:
“It’s wonderful to have two people separate from my family and friends that I can “dump” on.”
Hey, you have the internet to “dump” on. No one minds. It is sad to hear your sad but it’s also real. You have so many people that look to you for the “real” of all your going through. Don’t hold it in. you know this. The world has your back!
Your bundle of joy is precious. I am glad your doing all you can to be the best Mom. More should follow suit. So many people don’t get how valuable little people are. I hate that you know all too well because, really, you knew with Maddie and still lost her. Thank God you knew though. Imagine (or don’t really cause that is a sad picture) if you didn’t know and missed out on all you experienced just because you rock! So the only thing I see your not really doing that they say helps is write it out. This is the first time you have shared. I know its hard, but its good for you and for your followers to get what you know and are going through, it helps you and us. xoxo, Kandi
Amanda says:
I agree with Binkytowne and you – sometimes you just have to get it out to go forward. So many things after losing a child are so hard.
Some days are just hard. Be gentle with yourself on them – sometimes the rest of everything has to wait.
You are doing great Heather. I know it probably doesn’t matter as much that a stranger says that to you but in my eyes you *are* doing great.
Someone in GA who just wants you to know it.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Celebrity Rehab – Season 3 =-.
Kandi Ann says:
Oh PS. the charger, when I lose mine it is usually near an outlet buried under something or in a spot that I just set it down as I was running to get the door or something. Look in odd places. Good luck.
april in NJ says:
Heather… take each moment as it comes. You’re doing a wonderful job. You have a lot to deal with… more than most. So glad to hear that you have a “team” in place to help you with the bad days. We’re cheering for you too. Most of all… Annie and Maddie are cheering you on. love and hugs from NJ.
Meg says:
Really appreciate your honesty. I think it’s important for others in similar situations to know that they’re not alone. I hope that tomorrow is a good day.
Danielle says:
*hugs* I know that we all wish we could magically make it better for you. We are here to listen when you need it.
Annie gets prettier and prettier everyday!
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Her calling???? =-.
Rebecca says:
You are getting help and that is the most important part. For you, for Annie, and for Mike. Together you are stronger.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..My Family =-.
Untypically Jia says:
Big Hugs sweetie! I hope you all start feeling better!
Amy says:
Thinking of you! Wish there was something that could be said to make the pain and anxiety go away! I can’t imagaine how hard this past year has been for you. You are a huge inspiration and Annie is so lucky to have you as her Mom.
Karin says:
Just remember that see all those people will be helpful at the end.
sending you lots of hugs
Addie says:
I’m sorry today is not a good one. My heart hurts for you. Just know that you are doing the very best you can and your strength inspires me and countless others every day! Love from Seattle
LD says:
You’re an amazing mother and an amazing woman. You inspire me even on your darkest days– here’s hoping that you get more light. Your girls are beautiful.
Shannon Kieta says:
By the looks of that little pumpkin in that bumpkin, I’d say you did good getting rid of her beel ache! I hope you cheer up Heather. I cannot imagine what you are going through at all, I can only imagine giving you a great big hug! Lot’s and Lot’s of love!!!! Shannon
Amy says:
HUG.
I saw a video that some people made for Anissa on her blog. Maybe it will bring a smile to your face today. Or make you break your computer screen. Hard to say. (Its the one about giving Anissa a hand if you want to check it out. I dont know how to link to it)
Thinking about you guys lots… you’re amazing people.
Tiffany says:
HUGS!!
I had massive PPD after my youngest was born, I had a late term miscarriage right before I got pregnant with her and suffered from severe depression during pregnancy. I didn’t do therapy and should have. It took me YEARS to struggle through it. Thank goodness I had family to help me in the day to day. But I suffered. We all suffered. It was a black time. You are definitely doing the right thing. I wish I’d gotten help back then. Keep going – you’ll look back and be so glad you did it! You have courage, woman! And ovaries of STEEL!!
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Redirect in Effect =-.
Joie says:
I agree with just about everything written above – your girls CHOSE you. And Annie knows you absolutely love her, and you ARE there for her. You have a lot going on in your brain right now and I can’t imagine the difficulty. You are doing the right thing by taking it one step at a time…slow down and keep enjoying your perpetual cutie patootie Annie! Remember, there is no set time to grieve or mourn. And the post baby depression is NOT helping. Day by day sister (occassionally second by second – but who’s counting!), you can’t do anything else.
leslie says:
oh yeah, it really sucks going to therapy and talk about all that stuff….i really consider not going every monday (therapy day for me) and i had NO clue it would be that hard….
and i can so feel your worry for your crying baby. we went to an osteopath, because she had 3 “problems”:
first she was spitting BIG time including all the tummy ache and stuff..
she had some serious poopy problems (which was kind of related to the first problem)
and
she had a so called birth-trauma (her birthing story isn’t one of the best things to tell…)
the osteopath helped her A LOT and i can totally recommend it!! maybe your pediatrician knows someone?
i hope that you’ll reach your goal of staying “healthy”-i so know the fear of not doing so-
and maybe this following quote (one of my favourites) might help you tomorrow:) one day at the time, right?!
“Anyone can slay a dragon …but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That’s what takes a real hero.”
— Brian Andreas
leslie says:
by “she” i ment my 2nd daughter, johanna
Kim says:
Hi Heather – hang in there, you are doing GREAT! One of the best lines I’ve read lately was by Ashley Judd. She said something to the effect of, just for today, I’m going to cut myself some slack. It just really resonated with me.
Re: Annie’s tummy troubles, is she constipated? If so, could you give her a bottle with some corn syrup? That worked very well for our kids…
And finally, Annie is getting more beautiful with each picture you post, if that is even possible! What a doll!!!!!
All the best to you, Mike, Annie, and Maddie in heaven too =)
Glenda says:
Hang in there… you’re doing great… She deserves it and so do you and Mike… baby steps… Annabel is getting so big… love the pictures… thanks for sharing. sending you hugs XXX
Laurie says:
You are doing wonderfully. *hugs*
Zakary says:
Love to you, momma.
.-= Zakary´s last blog ..Guess Who’s Back? =-.
Carrie says:
My heart hurts for all the hurt you are experiencing. Wishing it didn’t have to be this way.
Anne says:
I waited so long before I started therapy and it literally has saved my life. Glad you’re doing all you know to do to help yourself. Sending prayers heavenward for you and Mike and Annie today.
lisa says:
sounds like you have an amazing support system.
With my 2nd daughter, I suffered with post partum anxiety as well. I suffered silently for almost a year before I sought help. I figured since I was depressed than there was nothing that could be done…never heard of post partum anxiety before diagnosed.
On top of that I had a baby with tummy issues too. My husband was sleeping on the couch so the baby and could try to co sleep together and hopefully ease some of her troubles. He ended up having to go to our chiropractor and he told the doctor what was going on. Dr told hubs to bring baby in just to check her out. Brought her in and he adjusted her and it was amazing! Her symptoms went away almost immediately. I think she had a total of 3 adjustments and nary a problem since. She is now 2.5 Worth a try….
Thank you for sharing your story and helping many others more than you will ever know.
Tami says:
You have a beautiful baby Heather.. Its ok to feel down and to cry. To loose a child, OMG. I give you allot of credit… You are in title to have good and bad days.. Maddie hasnt been gone that long and the wounds are still fresh. Give your self time to heal. My heart breaks for you. When I read about Annie. I always think of Maddie.. I wish things were so different and she was here.. Take care,
Lots of hugs,
Jennifer says:
Thinking of you and sending tons of extra hugs today!!!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Protected: Trying out Temple life… =-.
Ray says:
I’m glad that you shared this with us. And I hope that the bad days become far and far and less between the good. You are in my prayers constantly. I am also glad that you’re going to therapy just to get your feelings out. That’s a healthy thing to do.
You wrote: I miss Maddie so much I can hardly breathe.
I wish I could feel an ounce of your pain and understand fully.
On another note: OMG, that photo! Such cuteness! I love the shirt because it’s: “SO TRUE!” Annie is VERY MUCH LOVED!
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
Teri says:
I hope you and Annabel are having a better day tomorrow !
.-= Teri´s last blog ..Wordless wednesday: mr. cool =-.
Colleen says:
I love you all.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Salads =-.
Kelly says:
Feel better, Heather. You’re such a strong person and WILL continue to be, for yourself, Maddie, and Annabel.
Tina says:
I know you love your Annie !!!!
It is very important that we realize so much in this life we cannot do alone. Friends, family, strangers, and God is how we get through.
I have prayed many times in the midst of tears sayin ” Dear God don’t leave me today I cannot do this with out you” and that was just dealing with everyday life.
You take good care of yourself and know that you can dump here anytime, we love to listen
Debra @ A Frugal Friend says:
Hang in there……you’ve been through so much.
I had pretty bad post partum anxiety…and being a Type A personality who likes things in control, it was extra hard. I knew I’d be at risk too, having lost my mom so unexpectedly.
Take care of yourself. I think Annie will understand your tears….my little one still does. You have an adorable Annie, and no matter what, she will bring you moments of utter joy.
Hugs and prayers!
.-= Debra @ A Frugal Friend´s last blog ..Free South Beach Living Fiber Fit Smore’s Bar =-.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
The only reason I don’t have both a therapist *and* a psychiatrist is I’m fortunate to have a psychiatrist who also does therapy. So, I’m hearing you, sister.
.-= Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)´s last blog ..Grilling on a Friday night =-.
Debi Powell says:
Every woman who has ever had a baby has had bad days! Dont be too hard on yourself. You’ve been through more than many of us, so give yourself a little room to cry, have bad days.
I cant imagine how big the hole in your heart is that appeared the moment Maddie took her last breath…. but I can see how big the space is that Annabel is taking up! She is perfect… beautiful.. healthy… and for that I’m celebrating with you!
ps… burp Miss Annabel frequently. Gas bubbles will either come out via the mouth, or bootie. Coming out of the mouth is much less painful.
Hang in there…. there will be more great amazing fabulous days than bad ones!
xoxoxoxo
Vaness says:
You’re doing a great job and Annabel knows it! It’s great to hear that you have a strong mental health team, give yourself the space to be proud of that. It’s rare that seek the help and find the right help when we do.
.-= Vaness´s last blog ..Wow! =-.
Alexandra :) says:
((((hugs))))
damaris says:
you do deserve it.
I friend of mine who is a nurse took a baby in to foster care. The birth mom is addicted to heavy drugs and the baby’s first 2 months of life was miserable. My friend took the baby with her to our preschool co-op and every 15 minutes the baby would scream so loud and she would rush and give her a shot of morphine. The baby is doing so much better now.
My friend looked at us and said, “you girls always complain about being bad mothers and here you are doing preschool co-op with your kids, spending time with them.”
There are irresponsible mothers out there. you are NOT one of them. The most debilitating thing you can do to yourself is feel guilt.
I hope you find peace, a little bit of it, every single day.
.-= damaris´s last blog ..Rumpus =-.
monica says:
you’re amazing, even if you don’t feel it. Sharing your heart the way you do just makes us all love you and the girls even more. Praying for brighter days ahead.
Jess says:
I had to think a bit before replying to this. I’ve had psychologist and psychiatrist help for years. Since I lost my insurance last year I can’t afford to go, but my PCP is very nice in keeping me in samples of my medication. I had a huge period of depression which got horribly worse when I lost my grandma to cancer. I slept all the time, really didn’t want to be involved in life. Talking to someone who wasn’t family, who wasn’t a friend, really helped. Let me know it was normal to have those feelings, it’s normal to feel hurt, to feel sad, to feel betrayed. And to know it does get better. It gets better one second, one minute, one hour, one day, at a time. No one is going to bounce back from a death. We aren’t built that way. You are such a good mom. I can tell how much you love Annie, and she knows you love her too.
My brother’s birthday is March 12. He’s been gone 32 years. 32 years my parents haven’t had him in their lives. That’s a hard day for them, but they’ve gotten by, all 32 years. And I’m telling you, I am in the same position Annie is in, and I know with all my heart my parents love me, are proud of me, and adore me. I also know they love and adore my brother. I have a younger brother whom they love and adore as well.
It’ll be okay Heather. It just takes one day at a time.
Laura says:
I know this was for Heather (duh), but I have to say that your comment was very powerful, Jess. Supportive, empathetic, thoughtful, and it is so interesting to hear your perspective, being a grown-up that is in Annabel’s position. It seems like you have great parents, just as Annie does. It is so great that Heather and Mike have so much support from readers like you!!!
Undomestic Diva says:
xoxo <— because that's what I can do.
.-= Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..Think you can’t afford Blogher NYC? Think again. =-.
Kimh449 says:
Thank you so much for this post today! I lost my Father last month to cancer, and was feeling guilty about canceling a therapy appointment this evening. While I know I need help grieving, I am just not ready to sit , and speak to someone about it all. THANK YOU for sharing with us everyday! I draw from your strength, and have been for a long while now. Please know that it’s okay to have bad days…. I am a Mother to a 2 year old, and have had my fair share, and even more these days.
Thank you again! Annie is beautiful, and is so lucky to have such a heart felt Mother!!!!!!!
The Queen of Hyperbole says:
No one, including Annie, can possibly expect you to be cheerful every minute of every day. Constant happiness is unreasonable and unattainable, even for people who haven’t been through everything that you and Mike have been through. Of course you are sad. Of course you are overwhelmed. And while your wanting to “be present” for Annie is understandable, I hope that, while trying to be a happier mommy, you aren’t being overly tough on yourself. I can’t imagine how confusing and complicated your life must feel right now. Know that there are lots of people out here — even people like me, who have never met you — who are thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
Mary says:
Oh sweetie,
I know this is hard, but I am so proud of you for reaching out (in so many ways) for help. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mom.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..It’s a New Year! =-.
Deidre says:
Just think of Annabel as a new gift to each other, and that does not take away from your angel in heaven at all. Keep reaching out to your friends, don’t worry about pulling them down, you need them. They are there for you. We are here for you too, always!
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.
Catherine says:
I truly hope that all of these well-wishing messages will help in some small way.
Be well, be strong, kiss that beatiful Annabel (and you did give her a beautiful name!)
Anne DiNapoli says:
I’ll say a little prayer for you…You’re an AMAZING Mom.
BTW can’t find that show. I looked and looked all over online. TV just isn’t what it was 2 years ago.
Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ says:
Heather – Postpartum is tough, in the best of circumstances, I am glad you’ve found a team that is helping. Hang in there!
.-= Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/´s last blog ..My Future Olympian =-.
Paige says:
You really are amazing. You are taking the utmost care of yourself and that is the best thing you can do for your family. For me, the massive sleep deprivation always aggravated any sadness I may feel. Heather, I love you and I have never met you. I think about you and Maddie every SINGLE day. I pray for you guys and hold you in my heart. I hope all the good vibes from people who are with you on this journey are reaching you somehow.
Love, Paige
.-= Paige´s last blog ..It’s called "Ladies and Germs" =-.
MAYA says:
Therapy is the best thing we can do for ourselves. I love you.
.-= MAYA´s last blog ..Just when I started sleeping again. =-.
Lucy's mom says:
I hate to cry in front of people too – even people I’m paying to listen to me. I fight it tooth and nail.
I think tomorrow will be a better day, I’m really sorry today was one of the tough ones.
Your photos of Annie are really lovely and I laughed out loud at the “Olympic” shots of Maddie yesterday.
Take good care Heather.
lm says:
you are really incredible for sharing your story with the world on here…I can only imagine the strength it takes to click “post” on a entry like that. good for you, not everyone can admit when they are having a bad day…when things aren’t good. annie understands, she wants to be there for you as much as you want to be there for her. thinking of you!
MommyNamedApril says:
i’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. you’re such a strong woman and a good mother. you do deserve it. i hope you’re feeling better soon.
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..A (non) Update. =-.
farrellmo@yahoo.com says:
Hang in there. I feel like every new mom hits a sleep deprivation wall around weeks 3-5. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is to get through with all that you have been through.
farrellmo@yahoo.com says:
Sorry, I hope my post didn’t come off as insensitive. I know what you are going through is so much deeper and more difficult than just sleep deprivation. I guess I don’t know what to say, except I am thinking of you and wishing and hoping that you feel better.
Suzie-a stranger from IA says:
Do you know how many countless lives you have touched, inspired and helped as you allow us to walk this journey with you?? Thank you, Heather for being you..a wonderful mommy to two amazing dollies!! Just Hugs is all I got… Be well and so glad to see you are ‘taking care’ of you!
LiteralDan says:
Hi, its actually LiteralDan’s wife and because I am too lazy to read all the comments and see if anyone already suggested it, I will now.
When my daughter was a baby she had terrible stomach issues and we had no clue what was up. It was horrible and I hated watching her in so much pain and our doctor did give her regular medicine, but when even that didn’t work she suggested that we try Gripe Water which is an herbal remedy that is worth its weight in gold! Maybe if the tummy troubles persist you might find this useful. It put a stop to many many nights of long hours of crying (on both our parts) and really helped our daughter feel better. Good luck and hope it gets better.
.-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Classic quotes, Vol. 22 =-.
Dawn says:
Heather,
You do SO deserve it!! Hang in there! *HUGS*
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Post-It Note Tuesday: Peace. Out. =-.
gorillabuns says:
yea, therapy doesn’t bring back shit, does it?
i’m thinking i’m needing both a therapist and a psychatrist.
loves
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..come on down! =-.
Michelle W says:
I’m never surprised to read how crushing your pain and grief is, but at the same time I choke on my tears every time. I don’t want that to come out wrong, so I’ll explain. Whenever I read about how much you love Annabel and the joy she gives you and Mike I am smiling and feeling “some” sense of peace for you. But never do I forget that at the same moment there is another part of you that can barely breathe for the pain. Anytime you doubt yourself or lose faith that you will be the amazing Mom for Annabel that you were for Maddie, remember that thousands of faithful readers, friends and no doubt family know without question that Annabel is one lucky little girl who has an amazing Mommy. You deserve happiness, peace and joy I will be praying (in my own way) for it to come.
sojinkeys says:
Yes you do, Heather! And that you recognize it is even more important. Big huge hugs!
Amy says:
I am proud of you for seeking out two completely ‘safe’ people to talk/vent to.
Have sought similar help in the past and it was such a relief to let it all out and be understood/heard by someone and then walk away..
All for ME and my mental health… No repercussions/judgments or opinions. Just someone LISTENING TO ME.
I cannot imagine how you are doing but hope and know there are brighter days ahead..
chandan says:
Very very sweet….l.
Kayla says:
Oh honey, we are ALL here for you when those bad days come. We’re always willing to let you “dump” on us!
You’ve got thousands of people looking out for you girl. Just know that – so, so many people love you. I am one of them. Big hugs today and always!
Ginger says:
I got nuthin’ to help you except send you love and warm thoughts. And to remind you to sniff your baby. I think baby sniffing is a pretty high end anti-depressant.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Haiku Friday: the brown smear slalom during dinner event =-.
Assertagirl Amy says:
Yes! For me, therapy is good for exactly that reason. It gives me someone who is impartial and is not my friends or family to, for lack of a better expression, “dump on.” I feel less guilty unburdening my mind at therapy than I do here at home. Women are nuts, eh?
.-= Assertagirl Amy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Tooltime edition. =-.
Kristin says:
Oh, Heather. I wish I could take your pain away. The other day I heard a quote that made me think of you. There was a discussion between two people on TV about how many who go through the grieving process are baffled when people say, “The pain will get better with time.” Someone who’s dealing with loss responded with, “The pain doesn’t get better with time – it will always be there. But it’s what you do with that time during the grieving process that helps you heal.” With such a competent team watching you so closely, you’re doing everything you can with time to try to heal. I know the pain won’t go away, but I’m hoping that with their help, it will become even a little easier for you to breathe as time goes on.
It’s hard not to become overwhelmed when you have days like today, but remember you’re only human and still hurting – it’s part of your healing, and you’re more than allowed to have days like this. You’re a truly amazing momma to Maddie and Annie, and a phenomenal woman. Stay strong and stay positive, but let yourself have those days of just being enveloped with memories of Maddie. It doesn’t detract from your love for Annie – it just shows what an amazing momma you really are.
Sending you lots of love – we’re all here when you need us.
marslo says:
Heather, your capacity for hope and love in the face of what you’ve gone through is incredibly inspiring. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I think of you and your family often. I hope today is better.
Katherine from Postpartum Progress says:
There are a lot of people who know exactly how you are feeling. I had postpartum anxiety in the form of postpartum OCD after the birth of my first child (which is why I started Postpartum Progress). It’s a very tough thing to get through.
After everything that has happened to you, by the way, it would have been a miracle for you not to suffer again after Annabel. So please don’t feel bad to be in this spot again.
Do you go to a support group in your area? I’d be happy to connect you. I find that moms who are suffering like being in an intimate group with other moms who are going through the same thing. They get it. They don’t make you work like therapy (though that is important). They just lean on each other in a way they may not be able to with others. I think you live in LA, right? There are SO many resources there and I know many of them personally and would be happy to make suggestions.
Either way, you made it through this before with Maddie and you know you’ll do it again. You are doing ALL the right things, and Annabel will only benefit from that.
.-= Katherine from Postpartum Progress´s last blog ..How Do You Feel On the "Anniversary" of Your Postpartum Depression? =-.
(another) karen says:
thinking of you…..
karen
Lisa says:
I’m a little slow on my blog reading this week and am late to this one. It is a wonderful thing that you have found people that you’re able to talk to. I am glad to hear that even though it’s hard, that it does help you.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Where is the Sun? =-.
TracyKM says:
I don’t have time to read all 200 comments, but have you tried block feeding? Or perhaps you could give an elimination diet a try. The first to go would be casein protein. I know it’s hard, but so many babies benefit when their mommies go dairy free (or gluten, or soy, or caffiene).
I think every (new) mom should have a therapist to talk to
.-= TracyKM´s last blog ..Hoot! =-.
Bec says:
All of you absolutely do. I’m so glad you’ve found some people to help you. Lots of love
.-= Bec´s last blog ..Blogging Peeves =-.
Al_Pal says:
*HUGS*
I’m so glad you’ve got a great team watching over you.
You all deserve to be healthy and as happy as possible.