I’ve always considered myself well-rounded. I’ve taken singing, guitar, and piano lessons. I played softball, soccer, track, and volleyball growing up. I took on three different minors in college. I’ve had two different careers. This list could go on and on, you get the idea. But lately I haven’t been feeling well-rounded; rather, I’m feeling inadequate at just about everything.
My whole life I’ve been waiting to find the thing I’m an “expert” at. You know, the person that would be interviewed on TV about some sort of profession or hobby. That’s why I’ve dabbled in so many things. And I was an expert at none of them. Sure, I was once a pretty good softball player and singer, but the other things? Not so much. I didn’t feel motivated to practice piano, I was too short for volleyball, I decided to graduate a semester early instead of finishing those minors. The thing is, if I’m not good at something right away, I get frustrated and antsy, ready to search for the next thing I might be an expert at. Bye bye guitar, track, and soccer.
I’ve been thinking about this the last month or so. I’ve been feeling stretched a bit thin. I’m sure everyone feels this way from time to time. When I get like this, it makes me evaluate what I spend my waking time on. My four biggest priorities are writing, working, mothering, and being a wife. Writing is the one thing I do for me. I’ve been writing here, but neglecting my other writing commitments, neglecting other blogs, failing at replying to the awesome people that comment here.
Work & home life are giving me the biggest fits. When I’m at work, I’m tense all day, my mind always with Madeline. Today she had an eye exam and it killed me to not be there with her. Then I have waves of guilt because I feel like I’m shortchanging my job. I come home exhausted, and I barely have the energy to play with my baby before she falls asleep for the night. I want to take care of her all night, but since I have to get up in the morning to go to work, that job falls to Mike. He is so tired and he takes care of her so selflessly. I feel lucky and sad, because I want to let him sleep. He takes care of me, too. I want to have a clean house and dinner on the table for him, but I can’t. I hate the term “Full-Time Parent” because everyone is a full-time parent. I want to be the “Always There Parent,” “Always There Wife.” I want to have it all. And I can’t. I’m not great at my job, I’m not great at my parenting, and I’m not great at being a wife.
I guess my point in all this is that I’m realizing that maybe it’s my fate to just be so-so at everything. As much as I want to be the super mom, super employee, super writer, and super wife, I might just have to settle with being good enough. And I suppose that’s okay. I’m not going to stop searching for the thing I’ll be an expert at. I have a feeling it’s one or three of those four things, but for now I’ll continue to juggle them all, Heather of All Trades, Master of None.
Surfer Jay says:
You are a super mom because you do everything within your power to support, love, and nurture your daughter. You are a super wife because you slave at work all day to support your SAHD dude. Ok really I was talking to my Lilly there, but you can also use those warm fuzzys for yourself.
My Lilly feels the exact same way you do when it comes to work and our baby and me. She works, I’m at home with the babe. And it drives her nuts, everything you said. It certainly can’t be easy, but relish the fact that you are fortunate enough to actually have one parent at home with her rather than outsourcing.
Surfer Jays last blog post..
Sassy says:
As unhelpful as it is, I know you’re not alone in feeling this way. I think this is one of the downsides to girls growing up believing they can be and do anything they want to be. Because we can’t. The same as men can’t work 6am-8pm in high powered careers while maintaining a close relationship with their children. Society accepts men falling short as father’s but women get crucified for not being the perfect Mum/Wife/Career Woman.
There has to be a compromise. And sometimes it’s impossible to find a balance. I really hope you can find a way to balance things out a bit better so you can feel better about yourself. But please don’t beat yourself up too much. You’re doing your best and sometimes that has to be enough.
Sassys last blog post..Coming To Terms With Adoption
Backpacking Dad says:
Way to write three posts while I was gone and make me feel like a loser.
I also wrote a post about this kind of feeling a while ago. I forget what I called it, and am drunk enough on Pinot Noir to not care to go look for it, but trust that I know how you feel. Especially when I think of the guitar and violin sitting in my closet.
I fear the blog will wither when I get distracted by other things. I hope that isn’t true, because it is important to me in a way I never thought a fucking journal could be.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Road Trip
Marinka says:
Sometimes being “good enough” is just about perfect. My kids are older, and it gets easier. There are actually hours now that I don’t think about them when I’m at work. Or at the very least minutes.
Marinkas last blog post..Why I am Not the Worst Mom
Zellmer says:
I feel this way all the time. I realized it once I went back to work after my first baby. I always felt like I was doing a shitty job at work, because my heart was at home. And not being able to spend enough time at home because of the damn job, I felt like I was a shitty mom. I wish I could kickass at both things but it seems impossible. So…I hear ya.
Zellmers last blog post..Mad Men Monday
Ms. Moon says:
It is a complete myth that anyone can “have it all” or do it all. There is no way. Being a stay-at-home parent is a full time job. Having a full time job is a full time job. Back when my kids were young I always said that I was NOT a super mom. I was a barely adequate mom, which is how I felt 99% of the time.
You do what you can. You try not to drown in guilt. You try to remind yourself of what all you DO accomplish, because obviously you are accomplishing plenty.
Ms. Moons last blog post..Devolution Happens
Spring says:
I really don’t think you could have said anything more perfect and more descriptive to how women in our generation feel. My friends and I discuss this daily; after working a 10 hour day, having a total 2 hour commute, by the time I get home, I get a good 3 hours with my Maddie and typically she’s asleep the first hour of that. So, then I get 2 hours a day with her 4 days a week. I’m lucky to have that option and have Fridays off, but then I’m torn between trying to spend time with her, getting the house clean and my own selfish need to do fun things. I think, as I too often say, that as women we have so much on our shoulders and so many expectations and we strive to be perfect because that’s what has been put in our heads for so long. The fact is that, I don’t know if there is a “perfect” way to do it, all there is the best we can do and whether or not we sometimes fall short by our own standards, our children are growing in homes where they see that it’s okay to not be able to do it all and that striving for the best is a good way to do it. Hopefully when our Madeline’s become mom’s (which is freakishly scary to me at this point), they won’t have as high of stress levels as we do, because they’ll have already seen it done. Keep doing your best, because really, it is perfection.
Tiffany says:
I feel the exact same way!
Fiesty Charlie says:
I am sitting here trying to figure out a way to tell you how damn great you are, without sounding all gushy and empty….
First, you and Mike are personally two of my favorite parents to read about in the blogging world. Melissa and I have the same set up you two do and deal with most of the same feelings. Melissa is the working mom in our family and I am the SAHM. It is the first time in my life I have not had a job in the medical field.
Second, I read the words you use to talk about your life and your family. There is no doubt, and I mean NO DOUBT that Maddie is one of the most loved, preciously held children in the entire universe. The litmus test for me, is how often and how big her smile is in the pictures you take.
When Maddie looks back at her baby book, she won’t ask “where were you?” She will ask instead, “Why did you take so many pictures of me?”
You are present for her in so many ways, don’t sell yourself short my dear. You love her and Mike with your whole heart, and that is never “so-so.”
Fiesty Charlies last blog post..Political Issues…. Top 5
Laurie says:
I think that we all feel that way at certain points in our lives – I want to be a better mom, wife, employee, photographer, writer, and I think what I do to help me feel better about being so-so at a bunch of different things is to concentrate on the task at hand – if I am at work – I focus on work, home – I focus on home. Some days it helps and others I just try to get by. From what I’ve read around these parts, I think you do a great job, are a great mom, wife, and friend.
maya says:
Oh H- I could have written that post.
I truly believe that our generation believes that we can do it all. I tried living up to what I expected of myself, and am failing miserably. I work 9 hours a day, commute two hours and only get to see my girls for 1 hour before they go to bed for the night. And when I get home, and want to snuggle witht hem- they push me away to play with a toy. My house is always a mess, and I hardly ever cook. The problem with all of this is that my husband had an idealized vision of what awife/mother would be- and I dont fit the description. I think he has come to accept it- yet, I alas- have not. I feel a post coming on..
mayas last blog post..Weekend Fun
moosh in indy says:
LOLSpeak? C’mon now, give yourself some credit.
moosh in indys last blog post..Nightmares of the Martha sort.
Danes says:
Um, how about the fact you are an AMAZING friend? I aspire to be the kind of friend you are all the time!!! The thoughtful ways you are always there for all of us no matter what blow my mind!
People, I will have you know that Heather came to my home the day my brother left for Iraq just to give me a HUG and check on me. I will never forget that as long as I live. You are the poster child for ‘How to Be a Good Friend’- own it.
Oh yeah…AND your photos also already kick my photos butts – and you’ve been at this like 2.5 months!
I love you – you are incredible and strong.
Stephanie says:
At some point, as your daughter gets older, you will look at her a realize that time has flown by in a blur because your schedule is so hectic. As you said, it is difficult to do everything and do it well. Unfortunetly you can never get that time back. This happened to me one day….I am not a stay at home type but my husband and I decided that I would give up my career and I took a job working part time from home which allowed me flexibility in my schedule and more time with the kids. We took a big hit financially but we look at each other everyday and talk about how worth it is is. Keep in mind too, that living in Southern California give’s you a distorted view of what life has to offer. There is more to it that driving in a fancy car, shopping only at the ritzy specialty market down the street and having the latest and greatest gadgets and clothing. It is the simple things that count…
Jennifer says:
I feel the exact same way–so-so at a lot of things. I’m so jealous of those that have an Extreme Talent. I know if I really concemtrated on one thing I could get really good at it–but I have too many interests!
Jennifers last blog post..7×7
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Here’s the thing you’re the master of: being YOU.
You are the Master of Being Heather – one who laughs, and the world laughs with her. One who loves (husband, daughter, friends, dog) and is loved back, fiercely, purely because of the amount of love and kindness you pour in.
We all have so much to do, that we can’t put 100% into one area of our lives. But wherever you are, you are refining WHO you are, and doing your best in the moment.
Maria says:
I feel like that all the time. My resume is a bizarre hodge podge of skills I picked up at various jobs, very little of it related to my English degree. As a parent, I juggle working and being with my boy. As a pregnant lady I juggle pregnancy and parenting a toddler.
But I was thinking about you last night (sorry, creepy! I couldn’t sleep) and how the things you do for Jackie! are so unbelievably inspiring. You are a master at being a friend, and I truly believe that you are also a master at being a mother. You love your little girl.
Having to work sucks, I’m with you there.
But I think we’d be bored if we were just 100% good at one thing.
Marias last blog post..quite contrary
Tara says:
Heather! You are awesome at all you do. Maddie is so lucky to have you as a mom and you are totally not shortchanging her at all. You’re the best and I love you!!!
iMommy says:
We have a lot of pressure to be everything to everyone – and it’s hard not to get sucked in and let the feeling of failure when we can’t accomplish the impossible define us. Don’t let it define you, Heather! You are doing a terrific job – you are there for Maddie, and she loves you. She needs you to be at work just as much as she needs your kisses and hugs – because she needs the things that your job provides for her and Mike! That’s very important. There are very few of us that have the luxury of living off trust fund interest — so you aren’t alone in this. My family has two working parents… Hubby and I both feel like complete failures when we get home, can’t give her enough energy, DON’T want to take her for a walk, or get up at night to give her a bottle, or do anything but sit her in front of the TV or hand her to a babysitter and get some freakin’ sleep!
Just know you aren’t alone. And that you aren’t a failure; you are human, you are a mother, and you are amazing for those two things alone. Add in the wonderful things that you do and say about/for the people around you – like Jackie!, for example – and you’re an all around great person.
We never have enough time to do what we want to. We prioritize, and we don’t always prioritize the way that we think we should. Have faith that in the end, you and Mike will make the decisions that are best for your family – and that you are doing the best that you can. We always have room for improvement, but your attitude clearly shows that if you can improve, you will. So never fear, SuperMom. We think you’re super.
Daddy Dan says:
Heather, you’d get bored concentrating on just one thing in life, right? In my opinion, it’s more fun to be competent at and take part in many things than to just be a master of one thing.
Daddy Dans last blog post..Daddy Dan Interviews…..Katelin from ‘Gorgeous Footsteps in The Sand’
AMomTwoBoys says:
So, wait a minute. I’m supposed to be trying to be an EXPERT at something or MULTIPLE somethings? Damn. I totally missed that memo in life.
ali says:
um…does master of being hot count for nothing?? because, dude, you’ve got that one in the bag. just saying.
Kristin says:
It’s hard, being a wife/mom/employee. I’m a SAHM, but I wasn’t always. And honestly, it’s ok to feel that way. What is so special about you is that you’re REAL. Just be you. That is what we love. Maddie loves you. Mike loves you. Rigby loves you. THAT is what is most important. It goes by so fast. I have to remind myself of that every day. It’s so easy to get caught up in the “what ifs”. You’re giving your best. And really, that is so much more than other people do.
Sending hugs!
Kristins last blog post..Friends: Lost and Found
Leslie says:
Wow – what you wrote rang so true with me and obviously many other folks as well. When I start feeling like you described, I stop and think about what I want people to remember me for after I’m gone. I know that sounds morbid – but it helps get me back on track. For instance, I want to be remembered as a loving mother and wife, a good and honest person, a true friend, and an inspiration to the people who matter most in my life. All the other stuff, being a good employee, a great cook, a tidy housekeeper, or a talented whatever would just be icing on the cake – if it was even remembered at all. So anyway, what I’m trying to say is don’t beat yourself up – you are kicking ass in all the right areas – even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. Just keep yourself healthy, happy and thankful and you’re doing more for yourself and your family than you realize
Leslies last blog post..My head is going to explode
Insta-Mom says:
This post totally broke my heart because I am so there with you right now. I have an amazing husband who takes care of me, the kids, and so much else. I have a job that I feel eh about. I want so much to be able to give more time to all the great projects that are bouncing around in my head. And I want to be able to give to my kids and my husband, too.
I’m with ya.
Insta-Moms last blog post..Three for three
Becky says:
I understand perfectly, my friend. And being good enough is more than enough, dude. Not to be all After School Special on you.
Beckys last blog post..My Grain
Anissa@Hope4Peyton says:
I don’t think anyone ever feels that they’ve “mastered” anything. It’s just got to be all you all the time and you’ve got that one spot on.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..What do you mean toilet paper isn’t considered a necessity?
Rebecca says:
yeah that’s tough getting your head around that. wouldn’t be nice if there was this big stash of cash that came out of nowhere so you could be around when and where you needed / wanted to be and weren’t obligated to be elsewhere? when i’m doing “crazy” planning i dream that for us.
Sassy says:
I feel you… I totally feel you.
I wish I could just get my life in order. but here I am, reading blogs. hehehe
Sassys last blog post..Out, Out, Damn Spot
LiteralDan says:
You know, it is a super power all of its own to be good at a lot of things without being great at any one. So I think you’ve already got that one nailed down, at the very least.
Any other advice I could give you would just be talking to myself, because I am pretty much exactly the same way as you. And since I don’t listen to myself, why should you?
Because I said so.
There, did that work?
LiteralDans last blog post..A conversation with D-: Does not compute
Lori says:
Unfortunately, I think motherhood leaves a lot of us feeling this way. If you stay home you feel like you’re not contributing to the family financially. IF you work you feel like you’re missing precious time. Your interests take a back burner to the family. It’s a constant stuggle, yet totally rewarding.
Loris last blog post..Are you trying to insult me?
Headless Mom says:
Even those of us who stay at home feel this way. I’m forever killing my self over not having a perfect house, cooking perfect meals, etc. Add to that wanting to contribute, at least a little, financially and it’s a huge recipe for disaster. Hang in there and you’ll find your groove!
Steph says:
I wanted to comment since I found your blog awhile ago but I haven’t until now. I think everyone has already said everything that I was going to say, but I totally get how you feel. It is a hard thing to leave your baby for that long everyday, but you love her and thats the most important thing that you can do.
Stephs last blog post..Bad Day!!!
Joe says:
Well… I’m reassured to know that I’m not the only one that feels inadequate. I constantly re-think all the decisions I’ve made, wondering why I didn’t pick one thing and go with it.
We all beat ourselves up from time to time. I just remind myself that if I had done ANYTHING differently… I wouldn’t be where I am, and wouldn’t have my wife of my son.
Chin up, Heather… being able to provide an environment that allows Mike to stay at home with Maddie is a phenomenal feat. That’s probably my number 1 goal right now… allow Sarah to stay at home with Tyler. She’s itching to go to work (part time), and I’m trying to talk her out of it. I don’t look forward to “day care” for Tyler, at all.
Bonnie says:
How about Master of Multitasking!
Bonnies last blog post..Because she doesn’t have superpowers…yet