I’ve always considered myself well-rounded. I’ve taken singing, guitar, and piano lessons. I played softball, soccer, track, and volleyball growing up. I took on three different minors in college. I’ve had two different careers. This list could go on and on, you get the idea. But lately I haven’t been feeling well-rounded; rather, I’m feeling inadequate at just about everything.
My whole life I’ve been waiting to find the thing I’m an “expert” at. You know, the person that would be interviewed on TV about some sort of profession or hobby. That’s why I’ve dabbled in so many things. And I was an expert at none of them. Sure, I was once a pretty good softball player and singer, but the other things? Not so much. I didn’t feel motivated to practice piano, I was too short for volleyball, I decided to graduate a semester early instead of finishing those minors. The thing is, if I’m not good at something right away, I get frustrated and antsy, ready to search for the next thing I might be an expert at. Bye bye guitar, track, and soccer.
I’ve been thinking about this the last month or so. I’ve been feeling stretched a bit thin. I’m sure everyone feels this way from time to time. When I get like this, it makes me evaluate what I spend my waking time on. My four biggest priorities are writing, working, mothering, and being a wife. Writing is the one thing I do for me. I’ve been writing here, but neglecting my other writing commitments, neglecting other blogs, failing at replying to the awesome people that comment here.
Work & home life are giving me the biggest fits. When I’m at work, I’m tense all day, my mind always with Madeline. Today she had an eye exam and it killed me to not be there with her. Then I have waves of guilt because I feel like I’m shortchanging my job. I come home exhausted, and I barely have the energy to play with my baby before she falls asleep for the night. I want to take care of her all night, but since I have to get up in the morning to go to work, that job falls to Mike. He is so tired and he takes care of her so selflessly. I feel lucky and sad, because I want to let him sleep. He takes care of me, too. I want to have a clean house and dinner on the table for him, but I can’t. I hate the term “Full-Time Parent” because everyone is a full-time parent. I want to be the “Always There Parent,” “Always There Wife.” I want to have it all. And I can’t. I’m not great at my job, I’m not great at my parenting, and I’m not great at being a wife.
I guess my point in all this is that I’m realizing that maybe it’s my fate to just be so-so at everything. As much as I want to be the super mom, super employee, super writer, and super wife, I might just have to settle with being good enough. And I suppose that’s okay. I’m not going to stop searching for the thing I’ll be an expert at. I have a feeling it’s one or three of those four things, but for now I’ll continue to juggle them all, Heather of All Trades, Master of None.