Madeline has mastered the fake cry. She wails, kicks her legs around, and starts the waterworks whenever she sees fit. She’s so good at her fake cry that she often fools her grandparents and daddy. She can’t fool me, however. I know Maddie’s “tell.” She farts when she’s scared.

I discovered this when she had her one-year vaccines. The stench in the doctor’s office was so awful I made a joke about the crap being scared out of her. Then a few days later, Maddie let out a huge toot after Rigby barked into her sleeping face. While not pleasant, her flatulence DOES come in handy. I like knowing when my baby needs comforting and when she’s being a little faker.

Before you think I’m some heartless mom, let me give you some examples. Maddie currently HATES her stroller and her car seat. She will often start “crying” hysterically in an attempt to get me to remove her from her restraints. If I’m driving I obviously can’t take her out of her car seat. But, if I get a whiff of rotten eggs, I know something has upset her to the point that I should pull over and climb into the back seat.

She normally likes playing games of peek a boo, and she often screams and laughs hysterically if someone jumps out at her from behind something. Knowing this, my friend Brianne jumped out at her the other day while we were shopping. Maddie let out the same scream she always does…and then I heard a bunch of little pops like a tiny machine gun was in her diaper. The tears were real that time. (Don’t worry, Brianne and Maddie made up.)

Or, this morning. Maddie is crawling and pulling herself up and over things like mad. It’s fun to watch, but it often leads to some bumps and falls. I always attempt to keep myself from gasping and scooping her up when she tumbles – 99% of the time she’s fine, so there’s no need for any reaction from me at all. Mike was carrying her when out of nowhere she arched her back, flinging herself out of his arms. Mike quickly grabbed her by the legs, but she swung backward, twisted and hit her forehead on my computer screen. Mike and I were both silent, staring at Maddie as she contorted her mouth into a giant “OH!!!” Before any noise came out, we heard the unmistakable sound of a pants ripper. Mike had her in his arms before she found her voice.

And, you know, the big bruise that appeared almost instantly was a good indicator that she wasn’t faking.
Goose Egg

Note to future Maddie. Yep, I wrote about your farts. Consider this payback for the other day when, on the changing table, you put your foot in your dirty diaper and then KICKED ME IN THE FACE WITH YOUR POOPY TOES.