We’ve slowly been meeting our neighbors. Just in case the Welcome Wagon is a real thing, I’ve kept the front part of my house obsessively clean should a stereotypically hyper-friendly neighbor stop by with a basket of coupons. So far, no one has rang the doorbell. To be fair, there is nothing IN the front part of the house, so it’s not really hard to keep it clean. Also, someone could have come by but the doorbell doesn’t work and we haven’t fixed it because Mike and I can’t agree on the new ring. Mike wants a “traditional” ring sound, and I want “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba. I think it would be great to greet our guests with a musical ear-worm from the late 90s, but Mike has no vision. So, all visitors must knock. Lame.
What was I talking about? Oh yes, so we’ve been meeting the neighbors. Mike has met a lot of them, because he actually leaves the house. I try not to leave because then I have to put on undergarments, and I find them binding. But like all hermits, we must eventually leave the house to get our toenails cut or for other non-deliverable necessities, and that is when I run into the other residents on the street.
The neighbors to our left were on a month-long trip to Asia when we moved in. We were on our way to a delicious Mexican food dinner when they pulled into their driveway. The mom and kids went into the house while the dad came over to talk to us. At first I was like, “Yay, we’re making friends!” But Mike and Leftie Neighbor kept chatting and chatting, and I started doing the Burrito Dance. It’s similar to a toddler doing the potty dance, but with more stomach holding and Spanish word-dropping. So when Leftie Neighbor asked if we had moved from West LA and I replied, “Sí, we did!” while patting my stomach, Mike knew it was time to put a burrito in my tank.
The neighbors to our right are an old couple. I love me some self-sufficient old people so finding out I had two as neighbors was a jackpot. We’d heard stories…OK, MIKE heard stories that they were retired Hollywood types who’d worked with the likes of Judy Garland and The Osmonds. Are you kidding me? Like they weren’t already automatically awesome by virtue of being old, you’re telling me that they touched Dorothy Gale? That was almost enough to make me put on a bra and ring their doorbell.
I’d just jumped in the car to buy Annie’s kiddie pool when I saw them. The man was getting the mail and the wife was pushing her walker in the garage. The man saw me and called out, “Are you Heather’s Mother?” Thinking I’d misheard him, I turned off the car and hopped out. “Come again?” I said, using old-fashioned manners. “Are you Heather’s Mother?” the man repeated.
I…was not sure how to respond. Sure, my sundress looked vaguely mumu in origin, I was wearing glasses, and my inch-long roots were pulled into a bun on the top of my head, but I didn’t think I looked old enough to be MY OWN MOTHER. I was at a crossroads: Did I correct the man and risk embarrassing him, or live the rest of his life pretending I’m my mom? I got a burst of decisiveness, “Actually, I’m Heather!”
The old man didn’t miss a beat. “Oh great! Well, I’m Jack, and this is Kit. Put us together when you’re cold and you have a Jacket! Now you’ll never forget our names.”
In my head, I immediately forgave him for thinking I was in my sixties, because that. was. adorable.
We stood there chatting on the sidewalk for a few minutes. He was telling me all about the town and I finally volunteered, “I actually grew up in NP, not far from here.”
“OH! Did you go to NPHS? We have a niece that went there, you probably know her, she’s about your age, graduated in 1984.”
I was not at a crossroads this time.
“Well, I graduated in 1997, so I might not know her.”
“What’s that?” Jack suddenly couldn’t hear me.
“She says she’s younger than our niece, Jack!” Kit yelled from the garage. I liked her style.
“Ah! Well! That’s wonderful. We’ll let you go back to wherever you were going. Have a nice day, dear. And don’t forget to call Jacket if you need anything!”
Jack gave me the burrito-brush-off, but it was OK. I had to make a 911-call to my hairstylist to get my roots done.
Helen says:
Aww your neighbours sound awesome and friendly.
I just moved a few weeks ago and have yet to meet either of my neighbours, and our houses are actually attached to each other!
My left neighbour apparently works night shifts so we never see him, except on weekends when he is locked in his shed using some tools (guessing by the sounds)
My right neighbours are an older couple maybe in their 60s, I have never seen her, but he walks his dog 4 times a day so I have smiled at him in passing.
I had really hoped for more friendly neighbours, maybe they take a while to warm up.
Kris says:
Do you think he just confused Annie’s name with yours, so he thought that Heather was your little girl?
And…well…if you graduated in 1984, you’d still be far away from your sixties (says the poster who graduated in 1985). Just sayin’.
Sue says:
I think you’re going to hear some unforgettable stories from Jack & Kit! Be sure and let us in on all of them!
Lyndsey says:
hah! I mean to be fair, do you think you could reliably guess someone’s age once they passed 70? Same in reverse. I think when you’re a good 40 years in age from someone, 10-15 years off is just a rounding error to him haha.
Dorothea says:
In defense of Jack – perhaps all people younger than him look the same… sort of like all older people looking the same to little kids. My 7 year olds can’t tell the difference b/w 20 and 40 yet.
Kate says:
This was hilarious. Thanks for the laughs this AM. Happy Neighboring!
Onelda says:
Hilarious. In my own neighborhood I am a ghostly legend, and I’ve lived here 21 years. No one saw me in person until the late 90’s, as my work hours were 5am-130pm. I never go outside. People thought my husband was making me up.
Steph says:
to jack, people who graduated in 1984 are young. it was not a knock against you. and yes, you gotta love Kit’s style.
Kate says:
Everything about this post cracked me up. Thanks!
Deirdre says:
“Mike knew it was time to put a burrito in my tank.” THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Andee says:
So wrong. But so funny
Laura says:
About 10 years ago, when I was 40, I was at a well baby visit with a single Mom friend who is 3 years younger than me. The thirtysomething nurse assumed I was the grandmother. If it weren’t for the fact that I am (and have been for at least 10 years) constantly being told I look 10-15 years younger than my actual age I might have developed a complex. Instead I flipped her the bird as she was leaving the exam room. I felt better.
Monica says:
cracking up at your talent for story telling. Old enough to be your own mother-too funny! Oh and undergarments being binding, totally with ya on that too.
Anthony from CharismaticKid says:
Wow I’m renaming myself Jack and calling my future son Kit. There is no other choice.
Kristin says:
Jacket?!?!?! That’s hilarious. Sounds like you have a spunky old dude for a neighbor! I hope there will be more Jacket stories in store for us in the future.
And way to go meeting the neighbors. I’ve lived at my house for 4 years and only know a few of them.
Rachel W. says:
this is one of my favorite posts ever. your own mother! LOL. you’ve got a way with words, heather.
Adrianne says:
Ha! This is one of my favorite posts ever! So hilarious:) And Jacket?!?! Too cute. Glad to hear you are getting to know the neighbs. We’ve lived in our house for going on 4 years and only know the names of our immediate neighbors. No standing out in the lawn chatting or any of that other fun stuff:(
Adrianne says:
P.S. I just had a baby girl named Annabel Kate. When you had your Annabel, I fell in love with the name and the poem (my maiden name is Poe, so there is a cool connection there too AND it was first published on my birthday!). Anyway, just wanted to thank you for the inspiration!
Tracie says:
Okay, Jacket are hilariously cute! (it feels weird to type a singular word and then use a plural noun, but I am going with it anyway)
Sue says:
I love Jacket already.
Kelly says:
Jacket totally made me giggle.
P from...musings of a Scribbling Mother Trucker... says:
Okay, now I’M never going to forget Jacket. Too, too awesome. Been living in my house 10 years and STILL don’t know some of my neighbors. However, I do know one of the Glee kids lives on my street, although, nlike Jacket, I don’t think I’ll be able to call on that house whenever I need anything.
ps – totally got your back on Tubthumping. Mike has no vision (or would that be auidio-ision?)
ClassyFabSarah says:
If you send me your address I’ll fedex you a “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba doorbell. And then I’ll show up at your door to ring it.
toni bautista says:
Love your oldie neighbors!!!!
moll says:
I agree with the theory that he thought Heather was the little girl at first. Because Heather was a mostly-new name when he was having kids/grandkids, it probably sounds like a small child to him instead of a woman in her early 30s. Like how we’ll feel as old people meeting adult Nevaehs and Braylees (not knocking the names! Just don’t know any grownups with them yet, is all).
Meg says:
That may have been one of my favorite posts!!! Seriously I am still laughing! Awesome neighbors~ too cute!
Sherry says:
Oh my gawd….you CRACK ME UP!!!!!! So funny (except for the old man neighbor thinking you were your mom…not so funny).
Dawn @What's Around the Next Bend? says:
I have fun old neighbors too!! But not with a fun way to remember their names… that was just TOO cute!!
Lindsey says:
Funniest post ever!! You need to get what ever Hollywood connections Jacket has and get yourself over to an agent right now!! I see (official) stand-up comedy in your future. It is sooo great how you keep your readers interested, with thought-provoking topics like the previous one, informative ones like your hair tutorials, fun ones like Annie’s milestones, and my favorite – hilarious ones like this!! You are a treasure and those who can call you flesh-and-blood friend, not just virtual friend, are so so lucky!!
edenland says:
I get knocked down. But I get up again.
XO
Heather says:
you ain’t never gonna keep me down. xoxo
Elizabeth says:
I just had to say – this post is hilarious! LOVE it, thanks for the laughs
Stefanie says:
omg – i can totally relate. my husband was in the hospital once, and granted i wasn’t looking my best, but when the nurse said, “Are you the patient’s mother?” i knew things had gone from bad to worse. ugh!
Alexa @ A Life in Drive says:
Jacket. Very clever. The big question is have you found the neighbor(s) who will babysit or watch Annie for you and Mike if you’re in a bind?
Audra says:
Don’t feel bad. Men of this guy’s age are notoriously unobservant. This is the type of guy who would see a baby girl who was decked out ALL in pink complete with a big bow around her head and ask “How old is he?”
TracyKM says:
Hilarious!
If you want a visit from the Welcome Wagon, you might have to call them yourself. I loved the visits we got, although it can be annoying ending up on phone lists for some of the businesses. But the coupons and freebies were good.
Jen says:
This post was so funny I just read it for the 2nd time. Thanks!