In 1986 I won a copy of Debbie Gibson’s Out of the Blue on cassette tape. It was the first album that I ever owned by myself (I was seven) and it completely shaped my musical tastes. I listened to that cassette until I wore out the tape and my mom had to buy me a new one. I was obsessed with Debbie and wanted to be just like her. I HAVE NO SHAME ABOUT THIS. I joined her fan club, went to her concerts, and even dressed like her. I took piano lessons, voice lessons, pretty much anything Debbie did, I wanted to do, too.

80s Piano Recital!

I would kill for that hair crimper now. CRIMPED HAIR 4EVA.

Debbie wrote and performed all of her songs, so obviously that was something I needed to do, too. I started carrying a notebook and pen with me everywhere because I read in an issue of DGIF Magazine (that’s Debbie Gibson International Fan club Magazine to you lay-people) that’s what Debbie did. Never mind the fact that I was nine years old, I was going to write the next “Lost In Your Eyes.” It was going to be amazing, obviously.

I wrote songs in that notebook (which, btw, had HELLO KITTY on the cover) all the time. At one point, several years into my “songwriting,” one of my parents suggested I type all the songs into our home computer (an Apple IIGS, wut wut) in case I ever lost the notebook. That was fortuitous, because I did lose the notebook, and all of the songs in it. Unfortunately, the IIgs hasn’t been operational in several decades, so I figured my masterpieces were lost to the ages.

Last week, my mom dropped this stack of printer paper on my counter.

this is what we printed on in the 80s and 90s

It was some of my songs! Someone (probably me) had printed them out, and my mom had packed them away. She discovered the songs while she was unpacking and knew she had to bring them to me because the songs are just that amazing. Amazingly bad.

Here are some of the titles:

Wrong Kind Of Girl
Dangerous Love
Head Over Heels
Racing Hearts
When Love Dies

Those of you who read young adult books in the 80s and 90s might be thinking, “Hey. Those titles sound familiar.” That’s because the majority of my song titles were taken from Sweet Valley High books. Yep.

These songs are cringe-inducing. Sample lyrics:

“Racing Hearts”
Who do you want?

Her or me?
That question will always haunt me
That is,
Unless you decide!
Racing hearts
We’re both after you
Racing hearts
We both want you
Racing hearts
Racing to get your loooooooove
I’ve always had you
Then she came along
As soon as I saw her
I was in bed with the flu

Or this gem from “Stolen Love”

Love!
Just like a dove
Where did  that
Definition come from?
Why you, of
Course!

The word “dove” appears in almost every song. Also making multiple appearances are “bad” and “sad” and “far” and “star.” In one song I rhymed “wind” with “disciplined.” High five, little Heather.

Mike is dying over this one:

“Wrong Kind Of Girl”
Oh, you don’t want me
I’m too tough
Only if you want me,
You’ll have to get rough
Really rough
I’m tough
I’m mean
I make heads twirl
I’m the wrong kind of girl
I’m too strong
You’re too meek
I don’t want
Someone who’s weak
Really weak

Oh, Little Heather. How were you not locked in your room?

just so wrong

I would NOT kill for that scrunchie. The. Horror.