Annie has been going on a lot of play dates lately. It’s been really great for her (us) to get out of the house and play with her (our) friends, especially now that’s she’s older and she “gets” playing with other kids. Her play dates used to be a lot of kids playing NEAR each other. Kids are weird.
Anyway. I’ve been working on not being a helicopter mom on these play dates, and it’s hard. It’s not that I don’t trust that the homes and back yards are child proofed, because I know they are. I just don’t trust my KID. The other day, Annie disappeared down a hallway with her little friends. I thought, “be cool, Heather. They’re fine.” The other two girls came back a few minutes later, without Annie. I went to investigate, and Annie had somehow gotten into the shower, and was stretching on her tiptoes trying to turn on the water. In a month, she’d have been tall enough to succeed. I said, “Annie! What are you doing?” And she replied, “Bath,” with a DUH MOM face. Totally untrustworthy.
I think the other reason I tend to hover around Annie is because I want to see how she plays. Does she interact well? Does she understand what the other kids are doing? Is she nice or does she throw tantrums? For the most part, she’s good. She interacts pretty well. She’s mostly around kids that are older than her, so she tends to follow more than interact, but that’s easily attributed to her age (she has my genes, she’ll be bossy soon enough). She seems to understand the basic games, like kicking and throwing balls, playing with cars, and my personal favorite, “run around the backyard screaming at the top of your lungs.” She is definitely nice – she seems to be a people pleaser and she just wants the other kids to like her.
She is terrible at sharing.
It’s totally our fault – when we’re playing at home and she wants whatever toy I’m making dance around, I just give it to her. So she’s used to getting exactly what she wants, when she wants it, which isn’t going to endear her to the preschool set. On one of my TV stories last night, a character’s daughter was terrible at sharing because her dad was also terrible at sharing. As we watched the episode, Mike said, “um, that’s you, you don’t even share your food.” Craaaaaaaaap.
So, what am I supposed to do? If Annie reaches for a toy, do I say, “no Annie, Mommy is REALLY into playing with this Mrs. Potato Head right now and it will be your turn in five minutes.” I mean, I’m NOT into Mrs. Potato Head. Not since we lost her left arm and one of her ears. Now she looks disfigured and it makes me uncomfortable. But, is that how I teach sharing? Because unless these cramps I’m having right now actually mean I am about to birth a baby all “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” style, Annie isn’t going to have a sibling to teach her how to share anytime soon.
Do NOT tell me I need to start sharing my food. Because…no.
Britt says:
Four words. “Joey doesn’t share fooood!”
Sorry, that’s one of my all time favorite episodes of Friends. I say you’re totally justified in not sharing food.
As for Annie, maybe start by talking about sharing to ease her into it and then when she wants a toy you’re using make her wait a minute or two, just to help her get the concept. Sharing is tough when you’re small and cute. Ease her into it.
Aubrey says:
That is the first thing I thought too, Britt! That episode is hilarious!
Cath @ 7 Million Wonders says:
I have to admit that I thought it, too.
My kid is still to young to have an idea of the concept of anything other than BOOBS, but what about making a big deal of sharing YOUR stuff with Annie? And then talk about how happy you are to share and how nice sharing feels? Lead by example, maybe?
edenland says:
When Dave and I are out for dinner and both meals get set down on the table … he always eyes mine off, wistfully. And watches me eat it. “Is it nice, hon?” So I *have* to offer WHEN I ACTUALLY WANT TO STAB HIM.
Deirdre says:
No kid at her age really likes to share. That’s normal. But the time when she is with other kids encourage her to share whatever she’s playing with (even if the kid she’s playing with is older, you can enlist that kid’s help for some sharing time). Also, a music class or other type activity where there will be kids her age might be good, if not now, then sometime when she’s 2. Having her around other kids her age gives lots of opportunity for them all to practice their sharing and taking turns.
Tracy says:
That’s exactly how you teach her. It does have to be taught to some degree. Get toys out and you each pick one to play with. Then if she reaches for yours, say nicely – its my turn now Annie. You wait nice for your turn. And so on. Teacher her to say nicely: “When you are finished, can I have a turn please?” There are also tons of cute picture books on the topic that would be fun for her to read with you. And praise the hell out of her when she waits patiently for her turn or asks nicely for a turn.
Karen says:
At the very least, start expecting her to actually ask for what she wants, with manners. Even if it’s just saying “please” and then enforcing the use of the full sentence once she’s capable. And naturally, expect her to say thank you when you hand it over. I suppose it might not necessarily help her learn to accept “no” graciously but at least she’ll learn the social script!
carrielu says:
I agree that sharing is a skill that is taught, to some degree. Beginning at home is a good start, then it will be a little more natural when she is with her friends. When she gets a little older and she REALLY wants something someone else has, you can set a timer for 2 minutes (or whatever), and when the timer beeps (we usually use the microwave), she knows it is her turn. Likewise, the child with the toy has an auditory cue as to when his/her turn is up. Good luck!!
Renee says:
I’ll give you the shirt off my back, but if you put your hand near my dish, you might as well kiss it goodbye! Lol. My kids are 4 & 7 and they even know to ask Daddy for a taste!
Kate says:
“My chicken!”
“My pillow!”
“Daddy’s pen! Crayons.”
God, I laughed so hard at that episode.
Barb says:
A most funny show last night – it’s my FAV!
Kate says:
I was studying at the library until 11 p.m. last night and I still came home to watch the whole season premiere – and laughed so loud, I’m sure my neighbors heard!
Aubrey says:
You could also start asking her to share whatever she is playing with. “Annie, can Mommy play with the potato head for a little bit?’ of course you might have to offer a trade.
Anne says:
Sharing is greatly over rated. Kids do not willing begin to share until late 3s early 4s. All we can do is model the behavior and the fact that not all things have to be shared until we are ready– our bodies, special toys perhaps even our food and drinks. What I found easier to teach and expect from my kids is taking turns. I’ve become a pro at saying things like “it is friend’s turn, when she is finished would you like a turn?” or “my turn!” “your turn.” Certainly easier than “no you cannot have it, I’m playing with this now.”
tonya says:
Aww. Play dates were our salvation, and I have such fond memories of those times. My oldest is almost eleven, and has remained close with a friend from Kindermusik. They met when they were about Annie’s age. They don’t go to the same school, and only see each other a few times a year, but the bond is there, and I want to cry right now thinking about it. Precious!
I can also relate to the hovering. When I didn’t hover, one of mine found a razor in someone’s shower and SHAVED HER CHEEK. She also chucked a figurine across a hardwood floor and crashed her head off. I could go on and on. One time at a playdate, a mom said to me as her eyes were bugging out of her head, “Is she always just into everything?!” She kept me hopping. Still does. Last night she came home with her school picture proofs. In which she was sporting hot pink lipstick. In the fifth grade. Like, did she think I wouldn’t notice? Ugh.
As for the sharing, Annie’s way too young to worry about that. I agree with asking her to wait a minute when she’s trying to take something from you as you are playing. And I’m 39 and I NEVER share food.
TracyKM says:
I don’t think I did anything different with my three kids, and infact the middle one’s 2 year kindergarten program was really heavy into gratitude and sharing. However, this is the child that can NOT share, even now at almost 9.
So, while I’ll say Annie is too young to really “share”, there are some people out there that just have issues with it all their life
But for sure, do start teaching it now
Christine says:
This is a topic that drove me batty, because kids this age do not share and it’s perfectly normal (those books, Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, etc. will confirm this). It’s going to get worse before it gets better. People can get really snarky about it, insisting that their kids were always wonderful at sharing from the womb. They’re lying. This. is. normal.
I was at a gym class thing when my son was about two and a woman, there with her granddaughter told me that at two they won’t share. By around four you can make it happen. They’ll do it because you ask but it’ll be grudging. Once they are in school they’ll share on their own because it’ll finally click in their heads that they want friends and sharing is key to make that happen. She was right about my son. My daughter is a little more laid back and can share more easily at four because she’s just generally more laid back than he ever was. At two, though? No.
Rachel says:
Amen! People do get snarky about it. My son has always been very tall for his age (when he was 2 he looked 4) and there were several times at the park sandbox I had to tell another mom to back off, he’s two and, as a matter of child development, he does not share. Grr.
Lisa says:
Modern Family was the first thing I thought of too when I read about Annie and sharing. Unless she starts walking around talking about killing the baby or hating the baby, I think you’re okay. :p
Diana says:
Some kind of Mother’s Day out program might be good, at least when she is around two or so. That way she can spend a few hours a week away from you and with kids her own age. It won’t be an easy transition for either of you, but it will help. I think part of the reason my son handled school so well is because he was used to interacting with other kids. He is an only child, so we don’t share much at home either. Good luck.
Fruitfly says:
Normal! She’s too little to really share. BUT — one thing that really worked well for us as a run-up to sharing was teaching our daughter to WAIT a little before getting what she wanted. We learned how from “Happiest Toddler on the Block” (Harvey Karp), which, not to get all hyperbolic or anything, changed our lives for the better. Really practical and effective.
Kelly says:
As some other’s have said, she is a little too young to really understand the concept of sharing. That usually comes in the late 3’s to 4. Saying please, making her wait, those things will help, but don’t go crazy, she is still little.
Iowamom says:
Sharing, or not sharing, is a difficult concept for her age. Teaching her to politely ask will help but she’s just not mature enough to understand. Also, you totally need to hover at this age. It’s a time where things can happen in an instant and she’s still just a toddler.
I have a play date story …..at the time my son was 17 months old and I was 8 months pregnant with my second. There were about 5 moms and 5 kids but my son was the oldest of the group. He was a 10lb 4oz baby and was a big and tall toddler. He walked right up to a 13 month old girl and flat out knocked her down and took a toy right out of her hand. OH DEAR! The mom was livid and said to me “where did he learn that behavior?” Huh? I didn’t teach him that and he’s a boy and that’s so normal for that age. I made him apologize (the best he could obviously), give the toy back but I was mortified. I was so nervous that he’d be rough with the new baby. He’s been nothing but a gentle giant and he’s 11 now. My point is that they all go through phases and some are difficult but they grow out of it.
Anthony from CharismaticKid says:
AMAZING self reflective post. You nailed why kids have a hard time sharing.
With the hovering thing, I get scaredy too when youngins are out of my site. I taught myself to make it a gradual thing with extending your proximity each time.
But in reality, its really about teaching your kid to be self-sufficient doing anything on her own.
I just interviewed a dude who taught his two year old daughter to swim the entire pool in their backyard. Why? Because it’s better to do that than to have to FENCE UP EVERYTHING.
Why else is this a huge thing? Teach kids to become self-sufficient, and there’s no more worrying.
Rebecca says:
I think it is important to teach her how to share at an early age. At least make her understand that she can’t grab a toy from you just because she wants it.
I totally get the thing about not sharing food though. I currently work in a restaurant and my co-workers say they’re the same way, probably because we spend the whole day around food not being able to eat it, then we get home and make dinner and devour it. I do share with my niece and nephew when they come, grudginly. I hide the good stuff and eat it when they can’t see me though. : )
Kristin says:
I wouldn’t worry at all about it. Kids her age don’t usually understand sharing well enough to WANT to do it. Just keep encouraging her to share and keep letting her play with other kids. She’ll get it.
Michelle in MO says:
Oh no you didn’t call a tv show a story!
Jenifer says:
I’ve noticed that my kids behave/listen better to other people. Maybe try having the other mom or dad there step in and ask Annie to share.
Make sure she shares with you too. Practice makes perfect.
Erica says:
Sharing food? Who thought of that atrocity. I’m with you there…
And I don’t have kids (yet). I’m literally the ONLY ONE of my friends who does not have children yet, so I can just live off their cuteness and I figure it’ll give me another couple years. And I agree with Jenifer…practice makes perfect. I’ll be a “pro” at diaper changes by the time I have my own
Adria says:
For us it’s been day care. But you don’t have to take her to day care, but do exactly what you’re doing with the play dates and such. Being around other children will help her learn all those skills. Added bonus, her immune system will get built up now rather than being sickly when she starts school.
PattyB says:
I know exactly what show you are talking about, it’s one of my favs! My husband is exactly like the Mom who always has to be right about everything, and he totally mentioned it last night while we were watching the show. I hope our kids don’t turn out to be have to be right know-it-alls when they leave the nest. Ugh! I’m sure Annie is fine. Every child goes through a non-sharing phase. She will get better as she gets older.
Glenda says:
Heather,
Don’t beat yourself up. Annie will learn to share. As she spends time with the older kids on playdates or goes to pre-school, she will grasp it.
Kim says:
My daughter was the same way! She has learned to share more from being at school, and just from maturing. Annie is in a perfectly normal phase, and it will get better in time.
Traci says:
I didn’t wait for my children to take a toy away from me, I actually would sit down to play with them and when they had a toy I would politely ask them if I could play with it. When they told me “no” I would explain to them that we share toys and I would give it back to them when it was there turn (usually 5 minutes or when I was tired of it) and I would give it back to them and say “it’s your turn now, thank you for sharing like a big boy/girl.” I’ve got 1 boy and 2 girls. And I have to say they are good about sharing their toys. But I refuse to share my food and I discourage the kids from sharing theirs. Somethings aren’t meant to be shared like germs and lice.
ldoo says:
Dude, it’s not your fault (I watched that episode too last night – good stuff). My 18 month old has an older sister who shares with her constantly. The 18 month old is just an evil non-sharing beast. I think it’s their age.
amourningmom says:
I thought b/c our twins have shared everything since birth that they would be good at sharing. I was so wrong – they are not good sharers. Preschool helped but sharing is still hard.
statia says:
I’m sure I’m just repeating another commenter. But yes, that’s exactly what you do. Not for five minutes, since that’s 17 years in toddler, but when she grabs for something, instead of you giving it to her, you retract and not let her have it until she gets the message. She’ll probably throw a shit fit at first, if she’s not used to it, but keeping it to play for a minute and then making a big production about it now being Annie’s turn complete with dramatic presentation of the toy, will definitely hit home. Eventually, she’ll get the message. I still have to do it with my four and two-year-old from time to time.
P says:
Agree with everyone about Annie being too young to understand “sharing.” She may like to give you something of hers, but, right now it’s more a game to her.
The reason toddlers can’t process sharing just yet, is because it’s not until at least the age of 2 where they start grasping that things belong to them (hence the awesome, “MINE!!!!!” phase). Once they realize that something is theirs, THEN, they can willingly share — because they want some other kid to experience the joy they’re having with their toy (one they know will be coming home with them).
Trisha says:
Sharing will come in time. Toys, books, clothes, etc. But reaching on to someone’s plate, no way! That’s a golden rule. That’s a No-No!!!
Margaret says:
If my neighbor drove in his driveway with a new car, and I said “give me the keys, I’d like to drive it now” – would that ever happen? Don’t worry about toddlers “sharing”, it is unrealistic and causes uneccessary anxiety in both the parent and the kids.