I paid my car registration renewal on my VW two months ago, but I haven’t received my new stickers in the mail so I have to do the one thing everyone dreads: Go to the DMV.

I have needed to go to the DMV since we moved, which was…wow, that was ten months ago. Whoops. I didn’t realize we’ve been here for almost a year. That’s crazy. I have been a very bad car owner. My dumb Volkswagen Lemon is still registered in my maiden name, at our old apartment, and to complete the trifecta of irresponsibility, my driver’s license still has our old address. I most definitely need to go to the DMV…but I don’t wanna. It’s the DMV! You wouldn’t want to, either.

OK fine MOM, I just scheduled an appointment for next week. I could have gone in tomorrow, but I have to get my roots done first, just in case I have to take a new picture. Yes, I am that vain, but also my roots are so long now that I’d probably have to check the box for “grey hair” instead of red. Plus, waiting a week gives me time to get closer to my driver’s license weight, AND I’ll get eight more days to practice my smile. We can’t have a repeat of my picture from July 2000:

The bad one

I “lost” that driver’s license a week after it arrived so I could take a new picture. I am freshly twenty-one in that picture but I look like I’m mid-forties, easy. That smile screams, “My mom jeans are too tight!” My pictures since this one have all turned out alright, except for the one on the bottom left…I look a little crazy.


The woman who took that picture yelled, “Open your eyes bigger!” right before she snapped the photo. My eyes aren’t  big and smiling so much as they are screaming for help. Also, I have an interesting hair evolution going on there.

My DMV appointment is scheduled for the day after my birthday, so I will be starting 33 out very responsibly. Maybe I should schedule a mammogram and skin check while I’m at it…maybe draw up a living will…start eating more fiber…I really just need to think to myself, “What Would Mom Jeans Do?”

I bet Mom Jeans gets eight hours of sleep every night, too.