A lot of people are sad when summer winds down. When I was a kid I was, of course. I loved summer and swimming and sleeping late. But now that I don’t get a summer break, I have learned to appreciate the other “seasons” we have in LA. Fall is my new love. The leaves turning, the weather is brisk but not cold, the World Series, College Football, Halloween, and my most favorite thing of all – NEW TELEVISION SHOWS.
I come from a long line of dedicated TV watchers. Some people might think that’s a bad thing, but I am proud of my heritage!!! Everyone in my family can quote from The Simpsons, Arrested Development, and I Love Lucy in the same breath. We live for show marathons, plot twists, and main character death scenes. TV is a serious business for us.
Mike, on the other hand, thinks TV is for showing baseball, COPS, and Bizarre Foods. He doesn’t understand why we need two DVRs in our house. He will watch shows like The Office with me, but that’s it. You’d think a writer like him would enjoy that his wife loves scripted shows. That is not the case.
To be fair, watching TV with me isn’t…easy. I have a long list of rules that he has to obey when I am watching one of my shows. I don’t think they’re too demanding. In fact, I’m willing to bet lots of people have similar rules when they are watching something they enjoy (be it sitcoms, dramas, sports, etc).
So now I would like to present…
THE RULES OF WATCHING TELEVISION PROGRAMS WITH HEATHER
- Don’t talk to me during the show.
- All talking must be saved for commercials.
- Be prepared to talk fast because I’ll probably be fast forwarding through said commercials.
- Don’t ask me questions about plot points until the show is over.
- NEVER ask me questions about Lost or Heroes. That is like asking Maddie to explain an infinity paradox (I can explain it to you during a commercial – my high school Algebra teacher made me write a paper on it. Something about needing extra credit to pass, I dunno, my memory is fuzzy.).
- I will honor one Pause request per show.
- Assume every episode is “a new one” unless I tell you otherwise.
- You may not tell me the shows I watch are “boring.” (I will not say COPS is boring (even though it totally is)).
- You can’t complain about Gilmore Girls every time that Special K commercial with Lauren Graham’s voiceover comes on. Gilmore Girls ended last year. The window of complaining about it has closed.
- If you have seen the episode before me, DO NOT SAY, “Oh, this part is sooo funny!” right before something funny happens.
- Do not stare at me silently with a big grin on your face right before something funny happens to see what my reaction will be.
- If you choose to listen to your iPod while I am watching a show, DO NOT start singing along.
- If I’m not home, don’t mess with the DVR unless I give you permission to. And even then, I must be on the phone to walk you through the process step by step.
- I am allowed to make snarky comments. Do not think this is an invitation for you to make snarky comments, unless you can give me an in-depth dossier on every character on the show.
Some of you are probably thinking I’m a little crazy, or maybe you’re feeling sorry for Mike. He knew what he was getting himself into. This list was part of the prenuptial television agreement Mike had to sign – and every year he has to agree to an updated rule sheet with additional stipulations. I’m in the process of adding new regulations now. Get excited, Mike!
You missed out the one where if he coughs more than once in a row he has to leave the room until he can be quiet again…
Jeff Atkinson says:
Thanks for posting the article, was certainly a great read!
your rules are great! i’m positive mike is very excited for more!
My biggest peeve is when they ask what is going on throughtout the whole show when they have never watched it before.
Crystals last blog post..
LOVE the rules. But Husband is very patient with me when I interrupt his shows to ask what the hell is going on and who’s that??? Although now that I think about it, the expression on his face? Not so patient.
Middle-Aged-Womans last blog post..Schadenfreude
Hey, we have those rules in this house too. I am an avid TV watcher and the Fall is most exciting around here.
Baby watches Survivor with me. Mr. likes to ask what is going on and we both go “BE QUIET!” in stereo. Surround sound if it’s a really good part.
moosh in indy. says:
I’ve broken those rules with you from over 2,000 miles away. And yet you remain my friend. Wow.
moosh in indy.s last blog post..never always.
My husband and I have had separate DVRs for awhile now. I don’t touch his and he definitely doesn’t mess with mine!
catnips last blog post..10 must read books
Sounds like me, however, my hubby is working on struming his guitar. I don’t want to discourage him, so I silently slip away during a commercial to another tv. Then he wonders what happened!
gins last blog post..Guard a what?
Oh Heather- you and I are TV soul mates. You know I love me some TV. I watched at least 7 hours a day as a kid. I know it’s considered “bad”- but I ended up with a degree in Media… so something came out of it- right?
Now lets watch some tv together!
mayas last blog post..Labor Day Weekend & Other Stuff
Totally get you. I always tell the kids “please be quiet during mommy’s show this is my favorite show.” To which hubs will reply “your favorite show at this moment you have like 20.” He’s got me. Can’t wait for survivor to start!!!!
midwestmommys last blog post..Here’s the count…
I have many of the same rules. My husband knows better to mess with the DVR or interrupt me during my shows. Lucky for us, though, there are a few shows we enjoy watching together.
Magss last blog post..Our Summer – Part I
you and i could TOTALLY watch tv together
alis last blog post..the day after labor day
Anna Marie says:
I DVR all my shows so I can watch them by myself when the kids are napping. Hubs can’t keep his mouth shut during my shows and mostly he’s just making fun of them. Therefore to avoid killing him and the inevitable jail time that would leave my kids orphans, we just don’t watch tv together.
Anna Maries last blog post..A Breakthrough Perhaps?
I went so far as to password my DVR. Husband actually deleted, DELETED, I say, three episodes of Lost. And yet we’re still married…
Shanias last blog post..Let’s have a bit of humor, shall we?
Perfectly acceptable rules. I completely agree with every one of them. You are my hero because I have never written down my rules and Derek isn’t very good about following them. Fall is absolutely the best season. Awesome post. Love you!
Daddy Dan says:
And I love Cops. How could you not?
Daddy Dans last blog post..Rollercoaster
So I’m guessing the inspiration for this post came about when one or more of these rules were violated on a recent night……
BTW- they are good ones. My hubs compains about my shows, then sits down to watch them with me and proceeds to ask numerous questions about past plots, earning him completely withering looks and annoyed sighs while I slap the ‘pause’ button. Pfft.
ms. changes pants while driving says:
i’m totally printing this out for the living room and bedroom. maybe even in the bathroom, since that’s where men read the most.
ms. changes pants while drivings last blog post..sisters are beautiful things
OOOH, Heather can I come watch TV with you??????
Seriously my husband does NOT understand why I can make mean snarky remarks about Kate.Gosselin but then yell at him when he wanders in and does it!
Althought he is good for identifying “what’s this guy been in before?” for me because stuff like that just eats away at me
Now you never mentioned snakcing and TV? Do you have any rules on that?
Andreas last blog post..Week in review
I want American Idol back on, that’s all.
Oh these rules exist in my head but have yet to be spoken or written! He just gets the end result of breaking these rules and then thinks i’m crazy! I think i’ll print them out and hang them for all to see and know!!!
For my kids:
Do not come to me asking to clean up vomit, get you a drink, stop a nosebleed, read you just ONE more story, scare the monsters that are in your closet, or generally solve any of your problems during one of my shows. Daddy has feet and hands, too, and is pretty competent in a crisis.
Insta-Moms last blog post..I’m going to lose it when he goes to college
Mary Beth says:
There is NOTHING more infuriating than someone trying to get caught up on the plot while you’re in the middle of a show like Heroes! I love your list – I stumbled this post so when you get hordes (cause that’s how we roll in NJ – like Atilla) of new readers, send thanks my way. Hopefully, it will send at least one Hun to your blog:)
Mary Beths last blog post..RIP – books
Kids Bible Crafts says:
Same rules apply to our home. The few shows I am able to sit down and watch I want to enjoy them in peace and quiet. My kids always think that b/c I get up to stir the food, do laundry or whatever small chore I can fit in that its time for 20 questions. What I try to explain to them is I have planned out only enough time to do that chore and be sitting when my show comes back on.
Kids Bible Craftss last blog post..Recycled Magnet Activity
Ohhhh, I hate it when my husband messes with my DVR! And so what if it IS recording two shows at once and therefore he isn’t allowed to change the channel (because it will stop recording my show)? It would do him good to watch an episode of Ghost Hunters or Project Runway once in a while!
HeatherPrides last blog post..Biggest Disappointment of the Week
I had to let go of my TV issues when I screamed “Stop looking at me when I’m watching my show!” and hubs whispered under his breath “wow, crack junkie”.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..No such thing as a good spinal tap?
I’m a little afraid of you right now.
And I suggest you start the list of rules you’re going to need for Maddie. Because, HOLY CRAP it’s annoying to try to watch TV with kids around. I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating it is. It’s even more annoying than watching TV with DJ.
That last one is totally me!
Loris last blog post..Yikes!
Heather at Domestic Extraordinaire says:
You forgot the most important one….never let them touch the remote. I really hate it when hubby messes with the remote and plays the stuff backwards at 1/20th speed. So annoying!
Heather at Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..I am supposed to be right handed damn it!
I can’t be sure if we’d get along watching TV, but I’m thinking not.
I agree with a lot of your rules for MY shows, but I think I violate pretty much all of them for my wife’s. I’m trying to decide if I should show her this or not, because I don’t want to embolden her to yell at me more when I complain about her dumb shows with their dumb plots, dumb characters, and bad scripts that she begs me to watch with her. I think she may have a brain tumor or something, because when I tell her how dumb the shows are, in detail, she just says, “I know” and keeps watching.
How can we agree and then still end up watching, “The Secret Life of an American Teenager” or whatever it’s called??
LiteralDans last blog post..A conversation with D-: Sleeping with one eye open
P.S. How many “guilty pleasures” does one get to have before they stop being mere guilty pleasures and just indications of bad taste?
P.P.S. I love my wife and I’m aware I am also ridiculous.
P.P.P.S. I also love footnotes, though I’m not sure which I love more.
DVR… BEST INVENTION EVAR!!! I am so spoiled by it, and get extremely sad and upset when I get the dreaded “Live TV” message when I’m fast forwarding thru commercials.
The downside though is that Sarah will sometimes pause a show, half way through, and START DISCUSSING IT!! WTF is that all about?!?! No! That’s not what pause is for!
I hate watching new shows, because I know I’ll get hooked. What I usually end up doing is waiting a season or two. If people say they love it, I get online and download the entire season and watch it in a weekend marathon. I’m currently doing that with Dexter (which is friggin’ awesome, BTW). I’m actually streaming it to the TV with Netflix, which is also awesome, BTW.
Anyway, great post. I would print these rules out and hand them to Sarah, but I break some of them sometimes. I’ll start asking all kinds of questions about why Lorelei is getting a new inn, or what happened to the last guy Rory was dating. Pisses her off.
Love the rules and will totally steal them. Maybe, just maybe, my husband will be allowed into the room while I am watching. Right now he has to maintain a safe distance so as not to interrupt my viewing pleasure.
Marinkas last blog post..Fewer Words Than Usual Wednesday
I just yell at Doug to SHUT UP if he starts talking when I’m watching something I like. Right now HE’S watching football…..
Kristins last blog post..Cravings
I’m actually thinking you may be my new best friend. I freaking love those rules. The one pause one is big here too. Luckily my husband loves TV as much as I do.
We also have a rule where we save the final episode of our favorites and re-watch them before the premiere just so we both remember everything and don’t bug each other by asking stupid questions because it’s been four months.
Issas last blog post..Announcements for the day
Backpacking Dad says:
We can’t watch tv together. I say “goddammit” a lot during shows.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..It was an honour just to be nominated
Oh, I am so printing these rules out and posting them right near our TV!
Zs last blog post..Beep Beep Beep
Talk about a guilty pleasure! We have one DVR, but my desktop has the Windows Media Center (or whatever it’s called) and I record shows on that too (you know the ones that only you appreciate because hubby thinks its a total waste of time and stupid)! I’m tempted to get another DVR because the TV execs always end up changing the timeslot/day one of my many favorite shows comes on and it conflicts with another of my favs. Then there’s the whole nobody can watch anything else when football’s on season.
I too try to not start watching new shows because either I’m going to fall in love with it and have to watch it every week or it gets cancelled!
This is one of the reasons I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have to share the TiVo and I don’t want to have to watch my shows with someone who will ask me questions!
And seriously, Lost can only be explained by watching. And none of us have any clue what it going on. I’m so sad that doesn’t come back on until February!
Kristabellas last blog post..Bacon Crashes My Pity Party
I am printing your bullet-list, having it laminated and stapling it to my entertainment center.
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I love it! I want to implement some of these rules myself. PErmission to borrow a few? Although, my husband has learned there are very strict rules for watching my beloved football team. Namely, you do NOT change channels even if you think it’s gotten dull. There is another TV in the house, if you must, use it. But I see some additions in my future..what a role model!:)