A lot of people are sad when summer winds down. When I was a kid I was, of course. I loved summer and swimming and sleeping late. But now that I don’t get a summer break, I have learned to appreciate the other “seasons” we have in LA. Fall is my new love. The leaves turning, the weather is brisk but not cold, the World Series, College Football, Halloween, and my most favorite thing of all – NEW TELEVISION SHOWS.

I come from a long line of dedicated TV watchers. Some people might think that’s a bad thing, but I am proud of my heritage!!! Everyone in my family can quote from The Simpsons, Arrested Development, and I Love Lucy in the same breath. We live for show marathons, plot twists, and main character death scenes. TV is a serious business for us.

Mike, on the other hand, thinks TV is for showing baseball, COPS, and Bizarre Foods. He doesn’t understand why we need two DVRs in our house. He will watch shows like The Office with me, but that’s it. You’d think a writer like him would enjoy that his wife loves scripted shows. That is not the case.

To be fair, watching TV with me isn’t…easy. I have a long list of rules that he has to obey when I am watching one of my shows. I don’t think they’re too demanding. In fact, I’m willing to bet lots of people have similar rules when they are watching something they enjoy (be it sitcoms, dramas, sports, etc).

So now I would like to present…
THE RULES OF WATCHING TELEVISION PROGRAMS WITH HEATHER

  • Don’t talk to me during the show.
  • All talking must be saved for commercials.
  • Be prepared to talk fast because I’ll probably be fast forwarding through said commercials.
  • Don’t ask me questions about plot points until the show is over.
  • NEVER ask me questions about Lost or Heroes. That is like asking Maddie to explain an infinity paradox (I can explain it to you during a commercial – my high school Algebra teacher made me write a paper on it. Something about needing extra credit to pass, I dunno, my memory is fuzzy.).
  • I will honor one Pause request per show.
  • Assume every episode is “a new one” unless I tell you otherwise.
  • You may not tell me the shows I watch are “boring.” (I will not say COPS is boring (even though it totally is)).
  • You can’t complain about Gilmore Girls every time that Special K commercial with Lauren Graham’s voiceover comes on. Gilmore Girls ended last year. The window of complaining about it has closed.
  • If you have seen the episode before me, DO NOT SAY, “Oh, this part is sooo funny!” right before something funny happens.
  • Do not stare at me silently with a big grin on your face right before something funny happens to see what my reaction will be.
  • If you choose to listen to your iPod while I am watching a show, DO NOT start singing along.
  • If I’m not home, don’t mess with the DVR unless I give you permission to. And even then, I must be on the phone to walk you through the process step by step.
  • I am allowed to make snarky comments. Do not think this is an invitation for you to make snarky comments, unless you can give me an in-depth dossier on every character on the show.

Some of you are probably thinking I’m a little crazy, or maybe you’re feeling sorry for Mike. He knew what he was getting himself into. This list was part of the prenuptial television agreement Mike had to sign – and every year he has to agree to an updated rule sheet with additional stipulations. I’m in the process of adding new regulations now. Get excited, Mike!