I went to Target today. Mike, Maddie and I are going out of town this weekend, so I needed to pick up some essentials – sun screen, a bathing suit for Maddie, and a bathing suit for myself. I hate buying bathing suits. In the past, I’ve just walked into Target or Old Navy, grabbed some tops and bottoms, and try them all on at home. I don’t like to spend a lot of money on bathing suits, and I HATE trying them on under the icky lighting in the women’s dressing room. But, this was the first time I attempted to purchase a bathing suit post-baby. I knew I had to try on suits.

I walked through the bathing suit section at Target, past the hoochie suits from my days of yore, and starting pawing through the “mature” section. Eventually I found a set of bottoms WITHOUT A SKIRT that looked like they would actually cover all the real estate of my rear, and a tankini thing to help camouflage my stomach.

Maddie and I took my purchased back to the dressing room. The attendant let us use the family dressing room right in the front, allowing me to leave Maddie in the grocery cart. I tried on the bathing suit, and I said to Maddie, “This looks okay, but the waist hits right in the middle of my muffin top and makes it look weeeerd.” Maddie chimed in by shouting, “ba ba BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.” She clearly agreed.

I changed back into my clothes and walked out of the dressing room. The attendant was RIGHT outside my door. She said, “so, those didn’t really work for you? Did you need a bigger size?” I looked at her, realized she’d been listening to me talking to Maddie, and said, “Why would you say that? These are fine. Thanks.” Then she sort of maneuvered so she was in my way. She looked at Maddie and said, “Oh, your baby is so cute. She’s what? Four months old?”

Listen. I KNOW my kid is small. But if you look at her face, she does NOT look like a four month old. She was four months old once (twice, even, if you count her adjusted age). When she was four months old, she was blobby. Now she talks and can SIT UP. End Sidebar.

Instead of being sarcastic, I gave my usual standard reply of, “no. She’s actually sixteen months old, but she was premature so she’s on the small side.”

The attendant shook her head at me and said, “Oh hon, you should tell people she’s four months old, then you have an excuse for this,” AND THEN SHE POKED MY BELLY!

I felt like time stood still. It got really quiet. I looked at her and said, “Did you just touch me?” And then the attendant laughed. “oh hon, I had four kids, you’re NEVER going to loose that belly fat, especially if you have more kids!” I stood there with my mouth hanging open. “Wow, well I hope if I have more kids I don’t lose my tact.”

Look. I have had a little belly pooch forever. It predates my kid, I had it even when I was 115 pounds and a size zero. My pregnancy has made it a bit more exaggerated but, eh. It’s my body and I realized a long time ago that I was never going to have a flat belly. But seriously lady? It’s not like I was wearing a tight silk shirt or something. It wasn’t my MOST flattering shirt, but it certainly wasn’t my LEAST flattering shirt either. And yes, I am TOTALLY sucking in in these pictures – just like I do when I’m in public!

I got ass for MIIIIILES!

Even though I joked about it on the twitter, it didn’t actually bother me that much. While I’m still not really happy with where my body is, I KNOW I’m not fat. I just had to laugh at the audacity of that woman. WHO just POKES the stomach of a total stranger? And I know what you’re wondering – she was in her late 60’s and at least 60 pounds overweight. I should have poked HER in the stomach to see how she liked it.

Still, in the last two weeks I’ve been called old and fat. What could possibly be next? I need to prepare myself.