When we arrived at Brittany’s house last week, we excitedly said hi to all the members of her family. This included her husband Andy, kids Jude, Wyatt, and Gigi, her mom, and most adorably, her mom’s NEW PUPPY!

This is Jilly, a black and silver pug.

On the drive in from the airport, Brittany told us all about how her mom had just driven from Ohio to Texas to get Jilly. That’s like, what, 100,000 miles round trip? I don’t really know much about geography in the middle of the country. She also said Jilly was expensive (Britt’s mom breeds dogs).

I went over and carefully scooped up the puppy. I hadn’t seen Rigby for five days at this point, and I was ready to get my dog fix. I took Jilly over to Annie, who looked at the dog like, “um, what is that, it doesn’t have long fur I can tug, get it out of my face.”

I stood up and said, “MIKE! We have to get a puppy like this! Look how sweet and calm she is! I love this dog! MIKE! I want ano-”

And then Jilly decided to betray me, and jumped out of my arms.

I turned and tried to grab her, while yelling, “Jiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllyyyyyyyyy nooooooooooo!”

(this was all in slow-motion)

I managed to get my hands under Jilly’s back legs and I slowed down her fall a bit, but she still hit the ground with a bit of force.

The room went silent. Everyone looked at me, then at the dog laying on the ground, then me, then the dog. I stared at Jilly. “GET UP” I screamed at her silently. “GET UP GET UP GET UP OH SHIIIIIIIIII-”

She got up. Shook herself off in that way only dogs can. Then she looked at me, made eye contact…AND THEN SHE STARTED SCREAMING LIKE A HUMAN.


I could feel Mike staring holes through me. I looked at Annie, and her face said, “Mama? Why did you break that dog and make it cry?”

Then Andy said super casually, “everything working on that dog?” and I said, “I don’t know, I’m afraid to touch it, Jude come here, you’re four, you’re a big boy, check on the dog for me OK?”

Jude gave the dog a bone, then said, “Hey! Come watch me play Lego Batman!” Clearly, he wasn’t traumatized by Jilly’s attempted suicide.

Brittany’s mom stepped in and scooped up the dog. She pronounced her fine. I couldn’t make eye contact.

Mike wouldn’t let me hold Annie for the rest of the weekend.

This isn’t like stepping on your own dog, or accidentally kicking your kid in the head (she needs a collar, seriously, she just sneaks up on me!). This was someone else’s puppy! I am going to have mega-guilt until that dog dies of (hopefully) natural causes. In the meantime, I’m starting my “replace Brittany’s mom’s dog” fund.