Our bedroom in the new house has a sliding glass door that leads to the back patio. It’s really convenient for when Rigby decides in the middle of the night that she needs to pee, but otherwise I don’t really care for it. Because, confession: I hate big windows when I can’t cover them up at night. The idea that (thanks to the indoor lights) I can be seen clearly from the outside by someone hidden in the darkness completely creeps me out.

Mike makes fun of me for this – he says it’s irrational, especially in this case when the window only looks onto our backyard. Our backyard is private. It’s mostly hill, so no one can look onto our patio from the back or sides. That helped calm my fear a bit. Still, it was my goal to get a curtain up over the glass door before we started sleeping in there. Not surprisingly, there were about 187 more important things the house needed, so I didn’t get a curtain or curtain rod.

We slept in our bedroom for the first time on Monday night. I woke up a zillion times, but refused to roll over and face the door because I was so convinced that William Shatner’s monster on the wing would be staring back at me. I woke up yesterday morning and no bogeymen had burst through the door, so I relaxed and jumped in the shower.

As I got out, something caught my eye. I looked toward the slider and there, to my absolute horror, was a face pressed up against the window.

Here is an almost exact recreation:

I screamed louder than I have ever screamed in my life. The person outside also screamed. It was ONLY THEN that my damn stupid dog, who barks at ANTS, decided to get in on the noise-making action. The person in the backyard took off running. I turned and ran into the family room, where Mike and Annie were having a hearty “Elmo vs Abbie” discussion. He hadn’t even heard me.

Me: Someone! In the backyard! Against the window! Saw me naked! Saggy!!!

Mike: ….What?


Still having no idea what was going on, Mike went into the front yard. I realized I needed to get dressed when Annie pointed and said, “Boobs.” Where does she learn these words?

Mike came back a few minutes later. Apparently, a husband and wife thought the house was still on the market, even though there is no for sale sign or lock box in the front of the house. Instead of, oh, I dunno, RINGING THE DOORBELL, the guy just decided to walk around the house.

Me: Did you tell him he’s scarred me for life? And that he’s an idiot?

Mike: Nah. I told him it was cool, and that there’s another house for sale up the street.

Me: You told the man who broke onto our property and saw me naked that he could live up the street?!

Mike: Um…yes. I didn’t really think it through.

Me: I’m going to be in therapy for the rest of my life!!!

I’m buying curtains tomorrow. AND a lock for the gate.