Despite Annie’s pneumonia, she has been making some incredible strides. She is walking more, using words as commands (up! and no!), and being really affectionate. The affection is the best part. She’ll come over and give us unprompted kisses, or stroke my arm, or (my favorite) give us hugs. Hugs! So cute.
But OMG. With the good comes the bad. She has tantrums. That’s not the hardest thing in the world to deal with, because she eventually gets distracted or falls asleep. But her latest “trick” is HITTING. She’ll slap your hand away when she’s done eating. She’ll will hit her toys when she’s frustrated. And she hits US…pretty much whenever she doesn’t get her way. And even when she does get her way.
She hits me in the face. MY FACE IS MY FORTUNE YOU GUYS. OK not really, but I don’t want to be at the grocery store with a black eye, and have to explain to people that my 13 month old gave it to me. Parent abuse is not OK.
So far, I put her down on the floor away from where I am whenever she hits me. I’m not sure she’s really getting why I’m putting her down, though. I don’t want to put her in her crib and have her associate her crib with punishment. I’m really at a loss. How can I teach her that this is unacceptable behavior?
Please tell me this is a phase, because I really don’t want to be getting phone calls from her school in a few years. I need to nip this hitting in the bud not only to save my sanity, but also my FACE.
InDueTime says:
Try fake crying.
If she walks away laughing, start calling her Naomi Campbell.
Jennifer Joyner says:
Frankly, I don’t know how you will ever discipline her….that FACE!!! She could get away with murder with me….
BUT…what worked for me when my kids were little was immediately taking the arm that they used to hit and holding it firmly….forcing them to make eye contact with me and giving them a moment to see that there was no smile on my face…and saying, firmly, “No.” If you do it consistently each and every time, she’ll get it…and that’s when you’ll have to deal with her tears when she realizes she’s done something wrong and has been corrected. Good luck!
Susan says:
When I was working in a daycare, I worked with the 2 1/2 year olds and this is what we did. The eye contact was they key.
Rebecca says:
I also agree with this one – my son was a hitter when he was that age, and the best way to stop the behavior right in it’s tracks is to always have a prompt response, and the eye contact is key! If he continued hitting me, I would put him in his crib for a couple of minutes to make it totally clear that if you hit mommy, mommy does not like it and will stop playing with you! Just putting him down on the floor to play with his toys again didn’t really get the message through, I think.
Emily says:
Same here with the eye contact and the “No”. It’s hard at that age because they don’t really understand yet. My son goes through periods where he hits, and now that he is 2, we do “time outs” for him in a chair in his room.
I wouldn’t put her in the crib. Especially since you already have nap issues with her.
Tam says:
We do the same. Except we aren’t allowed to say “No”, because it’s negative (well, duh!). So we say “Stop” instead.
suzanne says:
This is what we did — eye contact + serious expression + “no hit.” We did the same thing with biting. We would also show her “gentle touches” to model the correct behavior. Starting around 20 months, we would use short time outs if the behavior was particularly naughty. Eventually, she got it. Of course, now that she’s three, her new goal seems to be to elicit as many reprimands/time outs in a day as possible. Now what??
Lori C. says:
I was also going to suggest this – eye contact + serious expression + “no hitting”
My kids are much older now, but I found that just saying “no” was sort of bewildering to them, so I always stated exactly what action I wanted them to stop. “No hitting, No biting, No throwing toys…”etc.
It really only takes a few times before they get it…though, that girl of your IS stubborn, so you can probably expect to get used to telling her no, you’ll be repeating it plenty.
Be Strong! That baby is no match for mama!!!
Brook says:
This is exactly what I was going to recommend and yes it is just a phase.
Becca_Masters says:
That is exactly what I do with my nephew when he hits.
I hold his hand/arm/foot (he kicks too) firmly and I get down to his eye level and I say in a really stern voice “no, Dylan, hitting/kicking is NOT ok. You must NOT do that, do you understand?”
And I will continue doing it until he gets it.
Most of the time he gets the grump and tries to hit again or pull away from me, but I hold firm.
He stays cross with me afterwards, but for the rest of the day he doesnt hit or kick.
Until next time i see him. Then sometimes we have to start again.
AJSouthern says:
It’s a phase, or at least it was with mine She’s, um, demanding. Anyway, what you’re doing is best. Put her down & ignore the behavior. Also, I tried the sign language thing. Hitting is baby communication, so I tried to alter it with signs instead. My child turned out fine. She’s 6 and an angel (at school anyway). So, it’ll all be ok in the end!
Melissa says:
We are going through the same thing with our son. I really love the ” Love and Logic” books, which can be used as early as 9 months. We say “uh oh, now you have to sit in your pack n play”. We didn’t want to use the crib. It’s centered around empathy and consequence. We found it to work quickly. I wasn’t sure how to discipline a toddler who can’t understand me but the book pointed out that dogs are trained every day without talking…it’s all about action and consistency. Good luck!
Mandy says:
At that age, when my son would hit, it always just seemed like he was fishing to see what kind of reaction he could get. If I reacted (yelled no, seemed upset) he would almost always do it again. Usually within a few minutes.
However, if I totally ignored him, he would stop. No reaction.
It was really, really hard to ignore, but eventually he stopped altogether – he forgot why it was fun/interesting to hit. That phase went by quickly.
But I must also add that it was never in the face. And now, a year later when he hits out of anger/frustration we always address it, letting him know hitting is not okay. Your hope is as good as mine that it stops before kindergarten
Elle says:
My daughter is a year older than Annabel and the only thing that gets me through her tantrums is reminding myself that it’s just a phase. Even though my little girl is almost 2, it’s so hard to discipline her (giving her a time-out for example) because she just won’t stay put no matter what I do. What I have found that helps this crazy phase is eating lots of chocolate. From what I hear, you have some cupcake goodness in the house.
Amy Collen says:
Oh yes, along with living with the fear of the “DISAPPROVING LOOK” I also live in fear of the dreaded “PHONE CALL FROM THE SCHOOL.” LOL! Well, my Sam is in preschool and I haven’t gotten a phone call yet. Thank the lord…
Yup, my Frankie (my 2 year old) is in the hitting phase right now. He does give me warning though. He makes this face which I call the “Ye Ole I’m Gonna Kick Your Ass” Face. I know then to do a quick grab of the arm, duck, or block my face :). Yeah, like Luke Perry (remember that Simpsons’ episode? “My face my beautiful face!”) my face is my moneymaker too. LOL!
I do crib time outs. I don’t worry about the whole association thing. I am having enough trouble just trying to get them to eat new food!
susan says:
totally a phase man – my daughter went through a head butting phase at around that age. I thought she’d broken my nose at one point. Annie will get over it – you’re doing the right thing.
Penbleth says:
It is a phase and ignoring is the best thing. If you aren’t sure Annie is getting why you are ignoring her then a firm “no” while holding eye contact should do the trick. It might take a while but she will get it.
Veronika says:
My little one is the same age and she just started this too! But she grabs at my shirt and pinches! And she bites her siblings! I’ve tried the “Little dude, what the hell?” approach, but she just pinches me again! I really hope she grows out of it SOON!
Suzie says:
My little boy went thru a phase of biting me, & daddy, often so hard he would draw blood. I did wat jennifer did, got down to his level, looked straight in his eyes with no smile, and very firmly, no shouting, said No, you do not bite! It took a while but it worked and now if if I get down and say no for other bad things, he tends to listen, not always mind you but sometimes. Now he’s a bit bigger ( 23 months), I try to explain why no, in simple terms. Again, doesn’t always get it first time but it’s got to help in the future right!??
Catch the Kids says:
I think most kids go through a stage of hitting. With mine, I just put them them down, shook my head and said “NO” in a quietly firm way. I figured if I overdid it, hitting would become a way of getting attention.
I don’t know if this worked or if my kids just outgrew the stage. But they all stopped pretty quickly. Now, if someone could just tell me how to prevent teenage boys from inhaling the entire contents of the fridge in one go, all will be right with our family….
Lisa says:
That is a tough age when it comes to discipline. I would suggest keep doing what you are doing, put her down and maybe say “no hitting” so she knows why you are putting her down. I think the best thing is not to over react because sometimes all they really are trying to do is get a reaction out of you. I’m sure she’ll get over it soon.
Audra says:
It IS just a phase. I NEVER use a stern tone of voice with my girls…except when they hit me or each other. I’m not proud of it, but looking into the offending daughter’s eyes and sternly saying “no hitting” would startle them and the behavior stopped pretty quickly. Every once in a while, I’ll get a swat from my 2 year old. When I ask if she’s hitting, she’ll begin to pet the area she just hit and say, “No, I’m just patting you Mommy. You’re a good Mommy.” Hmmm….
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I found that if I calmly verbalized what they were feeling, it helped them feel understood…and later on they could verbalize it themselves. “You look like you might be feeling really frustrated and angry because the toy won’t work!” Also, drawing mad squiggles on a piece of paper helped, too. And a catcher’s mask to protect your face!
Tracey says:
My nephew went through that stage, and my sister got this book
http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Board-Book-Behavior/dp/157542200X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1299582923&sr=1-1
and it seemed to help. They would read the book over and over and when he would hit, she would take his hand and gently rub her face with it and say “hands are not for hitting” and make nice, nice with his hands.
defendUSA says:
It’s a phase…I had a pincher. She was exactly Annie’s age and if anyone talker to her, looked at her and she decided she didn’t like it, she just walked up and pinched you. I pinched back. It took a couple of days for her to realize that what she was doing hurt others. I did not comfort her if it made her cry, either. I just asked her, “Who likes a sassy girl?(and I replied to myself) NOBODY likes a sassy girl.”
As for the tantrums…I mimicked them. I got on the floor or where ever they were having a fit and I did the same thing. Most of the time, it stopped them in their tracks. If it didn’t, I walked away without acknowledging them and eventually they would realize it wasn’t getting them anywhere. I refuse to yell. I have spanked all of my kids and the youngest two have learned from the two before. It gets easier, if not more frustrating!!
Shalini says:
At first I couldn’t tell if you were serious with this post, but I’m going to assume that you were and respond accordingly.
It may be worth considering that you should probably not pinch your daughter in an effort to get her not to pinch you. I understand your logic, let her feel a taste of her own medicine, but why is it ok for Mom to pinch and not her? Also, you throw tantrums? What exactly does this teach her except that Mom also throws tantrums when someone doesn’t behave in a good way? You’re modeling exactly what you don’t want her to do and the message is confusing.
This post is coming off judgmental, and I sincerely apologize for that, I just wanted to point out the potential for confusion with your disciplinary technique.
Melanie says:
For my kids, the hitting thing comes and goes in phases. My 5 year old has recently started hitting her brother when she’s really frustrated with him, which results in a time out. When they were that age though, I’d probably grab their hand after they hit and sternly tell them, “We don’t hit. You hurt mommy.” Then I’d put them down like you’re doing now. Other times (depending on my mood) I might frown and whimper when they did it and tell them they hurt me, but I didn’t overdo the drama so they hopefully wouldn’t either.
I guess I’ve used lots of different tactics as the phases come and go. I remember teaching my son about “gentle touches” during one of his hitting phases. I would take his hand and pat or touch my arm or face softly and tell him we only use gentle touches. I’ve also verbalized their frustrations like someone else mentioned. I guess I’ve tried it all and it depends on the moment.
What I DON’T do is hit them (hands or bottoms or whatever) for hitting. I never understood how parents could say, “No hitting!” followed by spanking their kid. To each his own though, I guess.
Heather says:
I picked up a booster/highschair seat second hand. We attached it to a chair and it became the time out.
I know it seems crazy but it worked with my girls. I would saying firmly “No hitting, you hit mommy and hitting is not okay” then scoop them up and put them in the chair for about 30 seconds. It took about 10 days for them to stop. I hated every minute of it, but it worked.
The other thing we started saying a lot is ‘hands are for helping and hugging, not for hitting and hurting’
Tammy says:
Saying ‘no hitting’ in a firm voice with stern eye contact worked for me. You have to tell her what she is doing is wrong before you put her down and walk away. Good luck!
Jen says:
It’s totally a phase! My daughter is doing the same thing! It’s very frustrating for sure! I would say that when you put her down the way that you do, tell her “I do not like it when you hit me”. That way she knows why you are putting her down! You can also tell her “Please use gentle hands when you touch mommy.” And then show her with her own hand a gentle away to touch you! And praise her when she rubs your arm really nicely. “Thank you Annie, good job using your gentle hands.”
Hope this helps!
Jen
Colleen says:
It IS a phase, a phase that lasts about 5 years. My daughter was a drama queen and everyone always told me , “It will serve her well.” That was true, she has grown into a confident, lovely woman with energy, quirkiness and a strong sense of self. But man oh man getting here was tough! the important thing is to remain calm and BE CONSISTENT. I agree with not putting her in her crib as a punishment, pick another spot and make it a brief timeout. If she gets out, keep putting back (she may be too young for timeouts right now though). Calmly tell her that we don’t hit etc. and then distract her. Reward the hugs! Find postive stuff to praise throughout the day. She will live for that positive reaction and learn that the stuff you don’t like is not useful (it takes a while). Be diligent and consistent. If she acts up at a store or public place, be prepared to leave and go home. It’s a royal pain but very effective. Do NOT allow her to tantrum in public with no natural consequences. She is old enough to know that hanging with mom is fun. Make sure she understands that it is a privilege which comes with rational behavior. If she crosses the line, she goes home. She’s a baby and she is learning…..good luck!
Jenn says:
When she hits, I would take both of her hands, put them in her lap and say a sharp “NO HITTING”. She of course isn’t going to like it but she will get the point if every time she does it, whoever she hits has the same reaction. Also, hold her hands down for a minute and ignore all other behaviour – crying, her fighting you, etc. Don’t even make eye contact after you say your no and have her hands down for that minute. You don’t want to reinforce her in any way e.g. – over talking to her or being reactive to her other behavourite will do this.
You can even put her on her time out chair while you’re doing this. The rule for time out is 1 minute for every yr of their age. So….of course, she would only be a minute. Once her minute is over, have her give you a hug and say “GENTLE Hands Annie, Good!!” With my behavioural kids at school and my own kids, I made sure I ALWAYS told them what they were doing well…e.g. when she’s playing and you see her being gentle make a HUGE deal about it. “Ohh Annie…Gentle hands!! YAY!!! GOOD GIRL”!! So often people just focus on what the kid is doing wrong, I love reversing that and I’m always very conscience as to what they are doing right and reinforcing that behaviour.
I hope this help. This is what we did when I worked with some of the most highly behavioural kids at work and also what I’ve done with my own kids.
YES…This too shall pass but she does need to learn hitting hurts and there are definite consequences when she hurts someone. If you have any questions, I’m here as always. Hope she’s doing a lot better.
Jenn xo
kate says:
Im a behavior therapist, also. I do something similar- always try to block the hit, say “no hitting” but in more of a neutral tone. Then prompt child to “show me nice hands” (prompt kid to gently stoke arm, face, etc. Then praise them for nice hands. They pick up really quickly they can get positive attention for nice hands. Ask for it occassionaly throughout the day and give tons of praise.
Allison says:
My two year old son has decided to hit here recently too. When he hits, usually me, I take the hitting hand in mine and hold it firmly and look him in the eye and say ‘No Hitting’ in the firm mom tone.
He hasn’t completely stopped yet but there’s definite improvement.
Now if I could get him to stop this huffing/growl sound when he’s told no life would be grand!
audra says:
when you figure it out let me know. my 2 1/2 year old outright pimp slapped me (twice) the other day while standing in line at a restaurant. it was SO EMBARASSING and i was self concious afterwards because i expected for there to be baby sized handprints on my face. he hit me hard! and being in a line full of people i didn’t feel it appropriate to discipline him then and there.
Karen says:
If a kid tests the boundaries, the response has to be the same in every situation in every environment. Screw what other people think, I say, stick with the short, sharp correction and then removal of attention. Arguing with kids when they have an audience or attempting to reason with them in public is an even worse idea than doing it at home! However, letting the behaviour slip because you’re too embarrassed to have other people watch you deal with it is only setting you up for more of the behaviour when out and about. It’s not about being an ogre and having a screaming match with your child, (yes, we’ve all seen parents who do this!) I actually respect the hell out of parents I see disciplining their kids appropriately in public. Something along the lines of, “Halellujah, at least someone gets it!”
PM says:
My daughter went through the same thing for a few weeks. I started sitting her on a little rug in her room (timeout) for a few minutes and she realized pretty quickly not to hit mommy
Amanda says:
It is a phase and if you keep letting her know it’s not acceptable (by putting her down and walking away from her) she’ll eventually get the point and outgrow it. But she’s still really young, so you might have awhile to go before she gets that she can’t do that and you definitely have awhile to go before she outgrows it. Until then, hang in there!
Lora says:
You aren’t alone. My 14 month old pinches and scratches. And then laughs hysterically when we tell him no. I know its a phase, but its not a fun one. I still just tell him No, and then tell him “Gentle” and make him touch my face gently. I hope the phase passes quickly, none of my others did this!
Liz says:
Yep – I’m another one for taking her hand, looking her straight in the eye and saying “No hitting” very firmly. I usually follow it up with using the hand I’ve grabbed to stroke my own cheek and say “Gentle touch.” If my kid does it to another kid, I say the no hitting part and then give lots of attention to the kid that got hit (not necessarily about the hitting if the kid on the receiving end isn’t all that upset) to demonstrate that hitting doesn’t get you loads of attention.
April says:
One of the best things to do is to tell her what to do . . . its impossible to reason with a 13 month old. If she is hitting you . . . say Stop . . . use gentle hands and show her how to rub your face gently.
We often tell kids what not to do . . . forgetting to tell them what to do!
Just a thought . . .
Linda says:
Annie clearly understands “no” as she uses it herself, and knows how to express that “no” by slapping you and is definitely ready for discipline. In fact I’m surprised that you haven’t been using “the stare” and saying “no” to her already. She needs discipline and boundaries from you, from stopping her from slapping you, to when it is time to go to bed etc etc.
And yes, it can be difficult, but setting the boundaries now will make things so much easier for everyone in the future.
catherine lucas says:
Finally… someone with common sense… Thank you Linda. I will sit on my hands for the rest… ;o))))
Alicia says:
My almost-22-month-old has gotten really into hitting recently. He thinks it’s HILARIOUS if we say “No!” and put him down away from us. I’m not really sure where to go from there either. None of my other kids really did this, at least with as much GLEE as it obviously gives him.
Mary Ann says:
One day she will be a leader with her assertiveness.
Brandy says:
I feel your pain – literally and figuratively. My daughter Livi is my “hitter” and boy does she know how to do it. She is about 2.5 years old now and while my son doesn’t care that much about time outs, my daughter HATES them. She is social and that just kills her. And works for a while. I’m sure it will pass, just as most things do but I definitely know the pain of it all. Good luck!
Teki says:
Oy, suggestions abound! I’m just gonna offer sympathy and understanding to you as we are also suffering from the smackies. I can’t figure out where the heck he got it but I am OVER it! Hoping for a quick outgrow, for all of us!
vickie says:
its a phase. but – i would firmly grab my daughters’ arm & say “hands are not for hitting” . she got over it. good luck!
Kristin says:
When she hits (and almost all kids go through this phase), gently but firmly grab her had (I use to encircle the wrist), looks her directly in the face, and firmly say No or No hitting or whatever variation works. She will get it eventually and it will require a lot of repetition. Good luck.
Jaedeanne says:
Good advice in the comments!
I’ve been using the tried-and-true “Catholic Guilt Trip” method with my 2-year old, and it actually is effective with her. It usually goes something like this:
*disappointed sigh*
“That makes mommy really sad when you hit me. I am so disappointed in you.” – look away and shake head slowly, sigh again.
Then I have to try to not laugh at her as her little face is overcome with guilt and regret. I’ll let you know how her therapy goes later on in life…….
Ann says:
My Son will be 18 months on the 9th and he has started to hit me in the face when I am holding him and he is furstrated. It started about a month ago. I know he is just trying to express his frustration but I make sure he knows that it’s NOT ok to hit Mommy or anyone for that matter. When he does it, I give him a sturn “NO!!!!” and put him down which in turn he gives me the saddest “poudy-lip” you have ever seen in your life. But he has to learn some where that it’s not ok.
It is totally a phase, you just have to keep telling her “NO!” so she can start to understand!
Lindsay C says:
It’s a phase- don’t worry. I would do exactly what you’re doing but I would explain it to her. “I’m putting you down because I’m not going to let you hit me”. She’s old enough to understand at least the inflection of your words if nothing else. A lot of these frustrational phases come when kids are soooooooo ready to be able to do the “next” thing.
Kim says:
It IS a phase, BUT you can nip it in the bud real quick. My kids have all started doing this at this same age. This is when timeout started. I have a chair and if they hit, I tell them “Hitting hurts, we don’t hit” and they have to sit there for 1 minute (for Annie’s age).
It is very much her testing limits and seeing what she can get away with. Also though, she doesn’t have any other way to express her frustration, anger, whatever and it is a physical release of an emotion. We all do it in different ways, I eat ;).
Good luck friend.
Linnae says:
My sons are grown now (18 and 23) but all of us as parents have had to deal with this in one way or another. Today’s attitude is to ignore it or try to reason with your child. However, I think as parents it is our responsibility to teach our children right from wrong. They understand way more than we give them credit for. I agree with one of the very first comments — make that eye contact and say “No!” firmly and confidently. She will eventually get it. I recall many times where I was so irritated with the behavior yet found it so funny — I’m sure I ruined days of work when I would break out laughing instead of disciplining.
Good luck, and by the way, Annie is absolutely adorable!!
Rachel says:
My daughter is 2 and has also started hitting us in the face. When she does it we make eye contact with her and say a firm “no hitting.” Then we place her in time-out telling her that she is in time out for hitting mommy or daddy. Children as young as 18 months can sit in time-out, we have been doing so with our daughter. I watch Super Nanny and I love her method for time-out so that is what we do. We have a piece of rug that we use for time-out. So when we say time-out, she knows right where she has to go.
LisaJ says:
It is a phase, or at least I hope so, because we are going the the EXACT thing here with Saeryn, who is 14 months.
She hits, pinches, bites, but also gives the sweetest hugs and will now (SO CUTE!!!) pucker up for kisses. Be still my heart.
She also pulls hair. Umm, I like my hair, thankyouverymuch!!!!
I tell her “no hitting, be nice to ___insert victim here___. ANd then I ignore her for a minute. Which is hard to do.
She is starting to get it. One thing I have found to be very effective is teaching her to sign “more” and especially “all done”. Here is a great site for a few key baby signs: http://www.aslpro.com/cgi-bin/aslpro/aslpro.cgi. There is a tab marked “babies” which has the key signs. “All done” is not on there, but it is easy to do: hold up your hands and shake them lightly from side to side, like you are shaking water from them.
I don’t know why…maybe because it gives her a means to communicate, but we HAVE found that it makes a difference. We only use a few, and she is pretty good about trying new words, but that “all done”? It has really helped.
Hugs, Heather. S is getting FIVE teeth and I am going CRAAAAAAAAZY here. Seriously.
Lisa
Kristin (MamaKK922) says:
You could always hot her back but they frown upon that in all 50 states… HMMM
No It’s just a phase my daughters did this. I would tell them we don’t hit and they would kinds look at me like whatever and hit me again.
My oldest son was the best he was playing Batman one day and he hit my nephew so I removed him from playing and said we don’t hit and he looked me dead in the eyes serious as can be and was like but I’m Batman. Like I was the crazy one. Cause duh lady Batman hits, have you NOT seen the cartoon? The movie nothing? So that was my favorite, it took everything I had not to laugh hysterically on the spot. But they do outgrow it.
Jen says:
I unfortunately don’t have time to read through all the comments, so this may have already been mentioned. But what worked for both of mine when they went through this stage was taking their hand and rubbing it on whatever they were hitting and saying in a very soft, gentle voice, “Nice touch. Be nice.”
Jennyroo says:
There are some pretty simple board books out there by Elizabeth Verdick – one is called “Hands are not for Hitting” and I think another ones are about not kicking, or biting, or using hurtful words. At this age, you can read her the books and reinforce with words like “gentle” and “nice” when she gives you soft touches. It is a phase, it will pass. Don’t worry too much. Just keep the positive reinforcement coming.
Lisa says:
My daughter did this alot. She did it one day- at about 16 months old or so- in the waiting room at the Drs office. A very full waiting room. She wanted to get down and rub her hands all over the floor and I was not gonna let that happen. HELLO GERMS FROM HELL. So I held her in my lap and tried to make her sit. She started to slap me in the face, hard! I was mortified and we had not yet started time out so was unsure what to do. She slapped me so many times, my face was red when we left. I was SO embarrassed. So we started time outs immediately after that. The hard part is, you have to do time out where ever you are. In restaurants, in the middle of the street, at the grocery store, wherever. And we do. And now she is 3 and I do not care if my child is creaming at the top of her lungs in a quiet restaurant for 3 minutes. We smile, say sorry and keep eating and talking. Its hard, but now its a breeze.
Trisha Vargas says:
My two year old has done this in the past and we do the hold the arm or leg if she kicked; we firmly say no, make the eye contact with a stink eye hold and I also say very firmly that that hurt me and was not nice. She usually hugs me a little while after and says sorry. She did this off and on starting at about 18 months but it very rarely happens now. It’s usually if she is very tired and missed nap time.
She will outgrow it. Hang in there, I know it’s hard.
((((HUGS)))) from Florida
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
This is totally a phase. Nearly all babies go through it. Some worse than others, of course. When our babies start hitting. We take the hand they hit with, and softly stroke the person they hit, saying “soft, soft”. It takes a little while, but they do get it! So, just be super consistent about it, and soon, every time she goes to hit, you’ll be able to say “soft!” and she’ll changed her strike to a stroke. If you are a bit playful about it, she’ll think its a bit of a game, and will even pretend to start to hit so she can switch to soft. Eventually you will see her teach her dolls “soft, soft” or other little babies. My kids learn to say “soft” and when they are loving on something, they will say “soft, soft”. So cute, and gently reinforces the behavior you want, without giving negative attention to a behavior you don’t want.
elizabeth says:
I very calmly put my daughter on the floor, step over her and walk away. I don’t acknowledge her tantrum at all. That seems to work. The best, though, is when they stand up, stop crying, walk over to you calmly, lay down on the floor and start crying all over again.
But, I have a hitter too. Still havent figured that one out yet.
erica says:
I HATE this. My 18 month old is hitting. I am like where is she getting this from?! She watches Sesame Street and Jeopardy and the Hubs and I never hit each other even in play. It is making me crazy!
Becki says:
A catcher’s mask to protect your face.
My kids are 26 and 30 and my memory is bad. I can’t remember what I did but it must have worked because they don’t throw tantrums anymore.
A call to Dr. Loooooooooove for advice is always an option.
Terri says:
Annie is totally normal and it is just a phase! My son started hitting around 10 months. What really worked for us, was not allowing him to “make contact” with us with his hands and ignoring the behavior. For instance, if I told him not to put whatever he was holding in his mouth, he’d drop and try to hit me. I would see it coming and get out of the way so the satisfaction of him hitting me just wasn’t there. If he did hit me, I’d firmly sit him down and walk away and stand there with my back to him. I think in my son’s case, he was looking for a reaction. He stopped hitting within a few weeks after starting this. For us, saying no and holding his arm down just pissed him off even more and as soon as I’d let his arm go, he’d swat again!
Tina says:
Try immediately putting her down along with a very firm, “No hitting!”.
katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
It’s just a phase. Don’t give it any positive attention. Don’t have a cute voice saying, “no, no no! Annie, that’s not nice, sweetie…” Instead, say “No hitting” in a stern voice, make sure you look her in the eye and that you have a stern face to go along with your stern voice, and promptly put her down, away from you. She will get the idea, soon enough.
(That phase always cracks me up, actually. And it’s so hard not to crack a smile. I usually have to look away so that the baby doesn’t see me smiling.)
Kate says:
Yeah, I would stick with the firm, tried-and-true “no” or “no hitting.” Were she 2 or 3 I think reasoning with her (“Oh, that hurts Mommy” / “No, be nice, hands aren’t for hitting, they’re for nice touches”) kind of thing would work better, but she’s young enough that I don’t know whether she’d *get* it, and I have seen it backfire atrociously when parents attempt to reason with children who are too young to undrstand what’s going on. (My cousin consistently used the sweet, cooing Mommy voice on her hitter and Maddie would look at her, answer “You understand what Mama’s saying, right?” to the affirmative, and then go RIGHT back to the bad behavior because there was no connection.) Firm “no”, ignore her for a minute or two, make it clear that it’s NOT okay.
Glenda says:
Def just a phase, but I agree… don’t put her in the crib as a punishment.
I think what you are doing is good.
Putting her down and saying a firm NO so she knows you mean it!
Marybeth says:
I may be the only one on here that tried this, yet it stopped the behavior right away. My children are now 17 and they are the best kids I could have ever asked for. When my Bryce was around Annie’s age, I was holding him in my lap, facing me. We were playing when all of a sudden he slapped my face! I was shocked; but I gently patted his leg. He did it again. I did it a little harder. Him again then my turn. I never said anything to him about it, because to him it was a game and fun. Yet, the more he smacked me, the harder I patted him. Never was there even a red mark, but he finally realized that ’cause and effect’ was when he hit Mama, she did the same. And it didn’t really feel all that good. That last time, he raised his hand for a slap to my face, saw me raise mine for his leg and he stopped mid-air. Never happened again!
Kate says:
Saying “no hit” is key so that she’ll make the connection between hitting and being put down.
You can also do face-the-wall time-outs. I did this with my kids as early as nine months. “No hit” was the first warning, and if my son did it again I put him down facing the wall and holding him in place. Only a few seconds. Then I’d turn him around and say, “No hit. That hurts.” And I’d give him a hug and continue on our merry way.
By using the time-out, my kids couldn’t use hitting as an excuse not to be held. (They’re crafty, these kids.)
Start with time-outs now so she’ll be used to them when you REALLY need them.
Kristin says:
Not having read through all the comments, which I’m sure offer wonderful advice, here’s what works with our daughter, and hitting:
Even though it can be really enfuriating when you get hit by your child, I try to model the compassion and empathy that I want her to display. She hits me, and I take her hands, say “no hitting”, then something like “hug instead”, and then model hugging, or whatever other gentle behavior is appropriate.
I also try to address the need that is causing the hitting, or anticipating ahead of time what it might be. This is a phase for Anabell, because her language hasn’t caught up to her cognitive abilities and emotions. It’s her one way of getting her point across. So, be patient, mama, and be the change you want to see your daughter!
Karen says:
Aggressiveness tends to be a phase, yes. Children get frustrated when their little brains are constantly exploding with ideas and new information and they have no idea how to properly formulate the language to 1. understand it all and 2. communicate it to others. This is why there is such thing as a ‘terrible twos’ period! We aren’t, as a species, born with an overriding desire to behave the way that is socially acceptable. This behaviour is taught so, as everyone else is saying, you’re just going to have to stick with it! It might seem like it goes on forever but you will eventually reap the benefits. Firm, consistent and prompt responses, in very simple language, removal of attention and modelling of the correct behaviour makes sense. I totally agree with not turning it into a conversation though! Quite a few people I know are guilty of this and it doesn’t have the desired affect, even in older kids. Once a kid has lost it, they don’t list to your words, only the tone of your voice. If you keep on and on at trying to correct them in the moment, their defensive barriers just get stronger and the tantrum intensifies. The key is BE CONSISTENT. Kids want boundaries. They might go a bit feral as they explore where those boundaries are but they will feel so much safer and happy if they know that there is the same, fair consequence every time they cross the line. So pick a simple, firm response and keep doing it. She’s a smart cookie, she’ll figure it out in no time!
Ashley B. says:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now but have yet to comment. I felt compelled to today. I receive the weekly Baby Center updates for my 11 month old and one of the topics was hitting. Below is the “Doctor Moms” response. Hope that helps!
My baby is hitting me. What should I do?
Kelly Ross, M.D.
Pediatrician at St. Louis Children’s Hospital in Missouri, and mother of triplets Babies explore with their hands and mouths. Hitting is one way they do this. Your baby’s intention isn’t to hurt you but to discover what happens when he hits. That’s not to say you should condone this behavior. When your baby hits you, respond with a firm “No!” Then take your baby’s hand and use it to touch your face or arm gently while you smile and give a calm verbal cue such as “Gentle” or “Ahh, baby!” This teaches him the correct way to touch. If he hits often in spite of such a response, try this approach: Again, respond with a firm “No!” Then put him down or leave the room. This response teaches him that hitting results in a loss of attention.
Samantha Maplethorpe, M.D.
Family physician in Issaquah, Washington, and mother of three Now’s the time to teach your baby that hitting is not okay. Remember that at this age your baby can’t understand the concept of empathy — that hitting you hurts. This is a behavior that needs to be extinguished with a combination of consistent negative reinforcement and positive redirection. It may be that your baby is hitting you out of frustration or because of the reaction it provokes. If he hits, immediately put him down and withdraw, giving a “not okay” face and turning your back or walking away. Wait a short period of time and then redirect your baby to a different, acceptable activity. Eventually, with consistency, he’ll come to associate hitting with a negative effect, and the behavior should gradually go away.
Leslie Gavin, Ph.D.
Child psychologist in Orlando, Florida, and mother of four Babies may hit because they’re mad and impulsively strike out, or they may just be trying to get your attention. If this is the case, gently take his hand, say “No” sharply, and, if you’re holding him, put him down. Young children may also begin hitting if they see you hitting or being hit by someone else. It’s not uncommon to see toddlers who have witnessed their mothers being struck start to act out toward her in the same way. If this is the case, it’s critical to get help from a professional, not only to help yourself but to also break a cycle of violence that your child is being drawn into.
Aditi says:
Second (third?) the “Hands are not for Hitting” book. Used it with my daughter @ 18 months, we continue to bring it out every now and then as needed. Clear, simple and you can throw out it’s catch phrase whenever a situation arises. Now biting, that’s another story…
Elena says:
Aditi–there’s a book for that one too! “Teeth Are Not for Biting!” http://www.freespirit.com/catalog/item_detail.cfm?ITEM_ID=112
Michelle says:
Ohhh, Heather… All I can suggest is that you bone up for the day she approaches you with her eventually-boundless vocabulary and says, “But moooom… It’s a REFLEX, and I am helpless to stop it!!”*
*What my now-17-year old reported to me when she was 6. And still occasionally to this day.
MBKimmy says:
Tatum (now 3.5) was a hitter – I looked her sqaure in the eye told her NO that was not nice and it HURT mommy – then I would put her down and walk away – after about 1 – 2 minutes I would go back and get her and tell her I loved her and gave her a hug – Time out I guess for a 1 year old. It took a few weeks but she finally got it –
good luck!
Jenna Anderson says:
As soon as our girls turned one, we started with time outs for inappropriate behaviors like hitting. Just picked a spot and made them sit there a full 60 seconds. It’s one minute, not that big of a deal. At first they wouldn’t stay in the time out spot of course, but if you keep sitting Annie back there eventually she will get it. Just sit her down in a spot and say, “Annie, no hitting.” And explain why she is in time out! When one minute is up, remind her she was there for hitting and teach her to say “sorry”. She is smart, she will catch on!
Glam-O-Mommy says:
Heather, my daughter went into a hitting phase in December and I felt exactly like you feel! My daughter is two and a half, so she’s older than Annabel, so my husband and I have been using the Supernanny’s naughty step concept. We take her to the bottom step of our stairs, tell her she’s there because she was hitting, but we only make her sit there for a minute or less because she’s so little. She does then usually say “sorry” and we give her a hug and it’s over. It works most of the time. Sometimes, however, we have to just keep putting her on the step over and over because she is extra ornery and KEEPS hitting after she gets off the step LOL. Not sure what else you can do until Annie gets older and can understand better! Good luck.
Rebecca says:
I don’t know how to stop that but just a horror story to share. We had a hitter at a preschool where I worked (a very expensive preschool where the parents paid about a GRAND a month for half day tuition) and one of the kids hit our french teacher so hard in the nose it broke! A three year old kid broke the french teachers nose!
heather says:
Hi Heather,
Didn’t read all of the other comments so this may have been said already. I have a little one just a month older than Annie and what has been working for us is taking her hand in ours, saying “No hit” , then taking her hand and gently touching our arm/face/whatever she hit and saying “Gentle” while being gentle.
Bonna says:
I have not read all of the comments made, but I agree with the last post. Take the hand firmly and with a stern “No Hitting”, it may work. And place her somewhere nearby like her highchair. That way you can see each other but you won’t be holding her. You can also show your displeasure by talking to her as well. Your tone more than your words will convey your feelings. I must admit my daughter was a bit older when she swung her arm and slapped me – HARD. My reaction was not necessarily a good one; I am sure I would not react the same way today (if it were to happen at that age again).
Tammy says:
No advice – just want to say that you have a very strong-minded, opinionated doll-face daughter. Go Heather! Go Mike! She will always have her own mind. I love it! You’ll get the not-so-fun parts of that personality type worked out and then there will be no stopping that girl!
Angela says:
Glad she is feeling better enough to raise a lil’ hell! However, it is never cute…even when they are sick…..well, it is cute and funny but NOT TO THEM! LOL My most eye opening thing of parenting was wondering how my parents weren’t cracking up whenever I did something naughty because my oldest is 11 1/2 and I still get the giggles (just don’t tell him!). I am a firm “No hitting” Mom and expect that my kids don’t hit each other or anyone…however, something in the dna of a toddler just doesn’t get this memo and they can’t shoot you down with words so they do what they can do. By the time my fourth kid started this, I was out of ideas. Time outs, stern looks….nothing worked. I started to worry that I would have to resort to “Don’t hit – SMACK!” parenting. My sister, whom I often refer to as his other mother had him one day and did the most AMAZING thing. I’m not sure if she made it up or it is something that I just never heard of but it became my “Go to”. My sister is a speech pathologist and often works with special needs preschool age children so she obviously had my full attention when my son acted up and she put him in a (wait for it!!) “Time out with Quiet Hands!” He may have even been younger than Annabel when we started this but the point was well understood….You have a time out and your hands which just offended must not move. We would cross them in his lap. Now…time outs were 30 seconds at first but now that he is 3 I rarely need to do them at all…..however, last weekend my 10 year old daughter decided to hit her brother and I embarrassed her so bad by giving her a TO-NH! She looked like a giant fool at a family function! I have to admit, I’m a mom who has tried it all but this really, really worked. Time out is bad enough but to not have hands to flip you off with….it really sucks bad for a kid! I will upload a few pictures of my kid doing his time on FB and tag you so you can see exactly the humiliation needed to get the point across…just kidding….it is so you can giggle. Time out with no hands is super funny to see! I wonder if I can put my hubby in one if he tries buggin me!
Expat Mom says:
I’ve noticed that my kids always make big leaps in physical or verbal advancements when they are sick or right after. Weird, but true.
For my sons, I would burst into noisy tears when they hit me and say, “OW! You hurt Mama!”. That shocked them so badly and then they got worried that they didn’t do it too often. Now, getting them not to hit each other is a whole other issue!
Jennifer says:
I noticed someone else recommended this, but Love and Logic is great and works from her age all the way to teens. Empathy (Oh, that’s so sad you hit Mommy. We don’t hit.) plus consequence (setting her down and removing yourself as you are already doing, or removal of a favorite toy, etc). She’ll get it. The “Hands Are not for Hitting ” book people have recommended is good too.
Catherine says:
I have no advice (I know, just what you wanted to read, right?), but I did want to say thank you for writing this. My daughter’s about a month older than Annie and she is going through the worst temper tantrum phase! She’ll squirm so much that we have to put her on the floor, where she will roll around, then try to cry up our legs, only to squirm out of arms again, screaming the whole time like we’re pricking her with very sharp needles. It’s horrible, and I was starting to worry that there was something wrong; shouldn’t she be too young for this? So while I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with tantrums from Annie, I’m glad it’s not just my daughter. Good luck!
Amanda M. says:
You hold her hand, look her in the eyes, and say, very firmly, “NO HITTING.” You can either put her down at this point or give her another chance before you put her down, but I think the firm “NO” part is important.
Or cry when she hits you. Like, not too fake or she might think it’s funny.
Those have always worked for me.
Iowamom says:
Such a typical phase! I completely agree with the posters that say to hold her hand and firmly say NO. Don’t laugh at it or make it seem like something enjoyable because then it could continue. If you have to put her down and walk away then do it. My kids all went through this phase and two of my kids went through a short biting phase. “This too shall pass” and another little phase will appear!
She’s just so cute!
Deborah says:
Dear Heather,
This is what to do: When she hits you, take her hand right away and stroke your face (or wherever she hits you on your body) and show her how to touch you. Say, “nice, nice” and slide her hand down your face (or other body part that she hit). This is a positive reinforcement, rather than negative. DEFINITELY DON’T say no. That reinforces the word “no” at this age, then everyone wonders why they start saying “no” all the time! (Take it from a grandma who has seen it work beautifully just recently with my little granddaughter.)
Fiona says:
Hi
My babe is 2-3 months older than Annie, and she did the hitting thing right at the same time – I just put my hand gently around her little fist and firmly said “No. Hitting hurts mummy!” and put her straight down on the floor. Now if she hurts me by accident and I say ‘Ouch!’, she comes and kisses me or gives me a cuddle. No more deliberate hitting either.
Hope you find something that works for you guys. Start as you mean to go on!
Fiona x