All of your supportive emails and comments mean the world to me. I really do read every single comment, and while I am embarrassingly behind on returning emails, I read them all when they come in. It helps so much that you all indulge me here. Some of the things I write about I literally cannot give voice to. I cannot speak the words.
My mood, my grief, ebbs and flows. When I’m in the lowest point of the valley, I don’t know how I will possibly get back up to the summit, where I can see clearly for miles. Yesterday I went to therapy, and when I came home I said to Mike, “I’m not having a good day.” It’s hard for me to admit that when I’m in the depths. I don’t usually tell him until after. He hugged me, took Annie, and I napped. When I woke up I felt a tiny bit better.
My grip on Annie is tight and it’s hard for me to let her go. I want and need breaks to sleep and recharge, but actually allowing myself to have them is easier said than done. I spend a lot of my downtime holding her, which means I don’t get the rest I need but at least I am getting the closeness I crave.
I try to unwind in other ways. I hide behind my camera and take pictures of Annabel. She is looking more like a little kid every day.
She is my constant, and even when I’m at the bottom of the valley, I feel like I’m at the top when I’m with her.
Have you signed up for Annabel’s birth announcement? The last day is Sunday!
Alice says:
She’s beautiful. And such a lucky girl to have so much love. Madeline must be very proud of herself up there, having told Annabel to pick you guys as parents.
Just keep taking it one step at a time. Everything you’re feeling is normal.
Catherine Lucas says:
It takes courage to tell a spouse that one is having a bad day. But it is the only way to go… It’s the only way to get support, by sharing… A husband or a wife is not a mind reader, they can do a lot, but still rely on us telling them what is really going on…
It also takes courage to see the low, feel the low, and let yourself be in the bottom of the pit. It is only in allowing yourself to be rock bottom that you can even start thinking of getting back out. Actually, how weird it might sound, but being on the bottom is the only way up… You will have highs and lows, just take them as they come… Annie will help you through it….
.-= Catherine Lucas´s last blog ..My ovaries ache… =-.
Scary Mommy says:
Oh, Heather… I can’t even begin to imagine what you go through every day, every moment.You make Maddie proud by everything you do– You really are amazing.
And Annabel? Is the cutest freaking thing in the world. Look at that face! I just want to gobble on it.
Meg...CT says:
She. is. stunning.
All of this sounds normal to me…you just have to live it and that is hard.
Erica says:
Hi Heather,
Annabel is so adorable and you are such an amazing photographer, you have such talent (just one of your many talents I know!). I was thinking about you all day yesterday, you are always in my thoughts and I’m always wondering what kind of a day you are having. Mike is such a supportive husband and he is always there for you – you just need to tell him (not always easy I know). And as for your amazing Annabel, she is always there for her amazing Mama too, always there to lift your spirits and make you smile, just as your precious Maddie is too. Your girsl are so lucky to have such an amazing Mama, you really are the best Mama and you continue to be such a source of inspiration to so many of us all over the world.
Sending you lots of love from afar.
Erica
Sarah says:
…she’s also looking more like Mike every day!
Much love to you and your family, as always.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..An explanation, should anyone think it’s required. =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Your courage inspires me, Heather! It’s totally okay to feel whatever you are feeling – we are privileged to be a part of your life.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..How to soothe a teen’s soul =-.
habanerogal says:
At least you write everyday, I sometimes wonder what my excuse is but then I get inspired by the rawness and pureness (are these even words?) of writing like yours. The images of Annabel are amazing. Never forget to tell Mike what you need because I have the feeling that he wants to be the protector and make things better when he can.
.-= habanerogal´s last blog ..A Quickie Quitting Update =-.
Veronika says:
She is incredibly beautiful and cute, all rolled into one. And how much do I love her personalized chair??? Gorgeous!
I’m glad that you have her to hold onto. Our kids are what keeps us all afloat. {{ hugs }}
Veronika says:
Oh yeah, I would love to sign up for her birth announcement, but they only ship to US postal addresses. Bummer.
Sarah says:
Yeah me too
Meghan says:
Me too!
Karen says:
And what a beautiful “constant”. Truly, she has such a Gerber baby face.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..You think you know someone. =-.
cindy w says:
All of your pictures of Annie are great, but that top right one? Where the look on her face is all, “Gah! Mooo-oooom!” I think you better prepare yourself to get that look a LOT in about 13 years or so.
I’m so glad you have such an awesome support system around you. And I’m honored to be a teeny-tiny part of it.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..The most exciting Saturday night I’ve had in ages =-.
Alexandra :) says:
Thinking of you… (((hugs)))
Sarah P says:
Annabel is so, so yummy. Those cheeks!
.-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Mish-mash and flash, possibly NSFW =-.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Thanks for sharing your highs and lows with us – and for sharing those gorgeous photos! I’m glad the comments and emails help support you in the rough times.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..In which we exasperate each other =-.
Mary Ann says:
I’m happy you have someone to talk to and confide in, I think that’s half the battle. What you’re feeling is competely normal, I’m glad you had a chance to take a nap and have some time to yourself, sometimes you just need that. I think it’s remarkable that you are able to function as well as you do. Annie is so lucky to have someone document her life. Your pictures are precious, Annie is a beautiful baby, as beautiful as her big sister. I hope you’re having a better day today.
charlane says:
She is such a sweet faced baby…And I suspect that the rest of her little self is sweet too! She is a lucky little baby to be in such a loving family.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Frankencake =-.
tonya says:
She is absolutely beautiful, and I’d looove to squeeze those cheeks and bury my nose in her perfect little head! I’m praying for you daily. Hugs from TN.
Nellie says:
You are truly gifted with that camera of yours! You take the most exquisite pictures – whether they be of your daughter or the world around you.
I thought about you yesterday and though I didn’t have the words to comment, I felt your anxiety and this morning as I was walking to my bus stop it dawned on me the frailty of life. It doesn’t matter if we are at our highest points or lowest points mentally, emotionally or physically – we are still fragile and need tender loving care. I hope you are NEVER, EVER without the love, care, support and adoration of family and friends!
I admire you more than the words written and I hope you know how much your Madeline and your beautifully, heartfelt words have changed my life. You are a true inspiration.
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather…
Sounds like you are finally mastering the steps of grieving. The final stages. Sucks-ass doesn’t it? I lost my sister, so I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. Death is so final and shitty. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I am never going to see my sister again. My mom, my niece, and my brother and I all donated a brick in her memory to the new walkway at the local Hospital. It’s been done now for a week or two, and we can’t bring ourselves to go see it, how sad is that???? I hope that beautiful, perfect little baby girl brings you all the happiness you deserve! She is sooo precious! She really should be in magazines!
.-= Shannon Kieta´s last blog ..It’s time to clean out the crap! =-.
Lindsay says:
Annabel is so beautiful! And such a wonderfully chubby baby! It’s amazing how those of us that have had preemies are so amazed at the size of full-term healthy babies. I still think of you and Mike and Maddie and now Annabel every day.
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Whiplash =-.
Larissa says:
She is so pretty… I cant believe she is growing up that fast… you should put more videos… I really like them!
Kelly says:
Annie is so adorable! I just love her chubby cheeks!
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Do Over’s =-.
Jen at Cabin Fever says:
Its the constants in life that makes us steadfast and strong. It allows us to feel as if the world has stopped spinning. I am so glad you have a very good one Hang on tight!
Cabin Fever in Vermont
.-= Jen at Cabin Fever´s last blog ..What Makes Vermonters Hearty =-.
Jen says:
The love that you and Mike have for each other moves me! You have been through so much together and it really speaks volumes of the love that you have for each other! i am so sorry you had a bad day but I am glad that you were able to rest and get some strength. Annabel is just adorable I love seeing all the pictures of her!
Hope the rest of your week is good!
xo Jen
Barbi from PA says:
Heather,
I can’t imagine how you are feeling, but hold onto Mike & Annabel. She is such a cutie, loving the pics. Wish I would have had my camera when my baby was little. My girl is 9 and she’s getting tired of me taking her pic. Love the closeups, very cool! Love & Prayers, Barbi
Anna Marie says:
She is such a little cherub – I want to reach through my computer screen and piiiinch those little cheeks like some arthritic spinster aunt that has come to visit.
Here’s hoping the highs start outnumbering the lows soon.
britt says:
The picture in the upper right corner is super adorable, it looks like she’s giving you attitude. I love it!
.-= britt´s last blog ..Evening Traditions =-.
Liz says:
You and Mike make beautiful babies.
red pen mama says:
She is adorable, Heather. And I totally understand how you want to be constantly touching and holding her. I’m glad you can turn to Mike, and I’m glad you can turn to us for support. Sending *hugs*.
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..What I Am: Reading =-.
Mary P (Barnmaven) says:
Heather, it is so hard to know what to say. You are so honest about your struggles and I can’t imagine the intensity of the pain you and Mike or any parent who has lost a child feel.
I do know what its like to live with anxiety and depression, and at times it can feel like being in hell. All I know is that when things are bad they feel like they will always be bad and I have no idea how I will go on, but eventually there will be a time when therapy and medication will happily conspire and I will be in sunshine again, even if its temporary.
Two things I hold on to: One, as my therapist of years ago told me and that I hang on to like a lifeline at times, feelings are like waves. They come, they peak, they pass. If I think sometimes that the intensity of a feeling is going to pull me under, I can hang on to the fact that eventually that wave of feeling is going to peak and ebb. It won’t be like this forever. The second thing comes naturally from the first – things WILL change. In the bad days I know that it will not always be this bad.
You and Mike and Annie and of course Maddie are in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Mary P (Barnmaven)´s last blog ..Flashback: The first one =-.
Tia says:
She is a cutie that is for sure. I think it’s a good thing to be able to hide behind the camera once in awhile. Look at what you’re doing for Annie. She will have millions of beautful pictures to look back on. I think the side view pic is pretty awesome
Hoping today is one of the good days my dear.
AmazingGreis says:
Love her…love you!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..California Dreamin’… =-.
rachel cortest says:
Annabel makes me smile every morning that there are new pictures of her. If there are not, I look at pictures of her sister and of her. BTW, I gave my two year old granddaughter, Cleo, her Maddie Monster on Saturday. She loves it and talks about “Maddie Monter” all day.
The profile picture of Annie looks so much like Maddie. Both are such beautiful little girls.
Jen L. says:
Annabel is just the most precious baby! I’m so glad you and Mike talk to each other. I’m always amazed by couples who don’t communicate. In your situation, I know you are each others’ rocks. I’m so happy you guys have that kind of relationship. Hold him and Annie close–you need them. Sending lots of love.
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..What I do =-.
SJL22783 says:
You are such an amazingly strong woman. Both of your daughters are so beautiful!
Jennie says:
She has Maddie’s beautiful eyes! I didn’t think she did when I saw earlier photos, but it’s clear now, isn’t it? She’s a beautiful girl, and I really hope that she carries on being such a help in enabling you to clamber up the cliff out of your valley of grief. I so admire your strength and inspiration. xxx
.-= Jennie´s last blog ..Who knew that politics could be so much fun!! =-.
amanda says:
She is such a doll. xoxo
.-= amanda´s last blog ..a day in the life =-.
Lesley says:
Look at those Cheekers! My goodness…you just want to kiss on them….
You are such an amazingly strong woman….I read you everyday…and often times think I couldn’t do it….I think sometimes we don’t know the strength we have in ourselves until we need to use it….You all are in my thoughts a lot…and I just continue to pray that the wonderfulness that is Maddie (and now Annabel) will keep your eyes bright…and a smile on your face
.-= Lesley´s last blog ..Mommy is so Not Macgyver…. =-.
Lisa says:
Wow, Annie is one incredibly adorable little girl You sure are amazing with a camera, you always take such beautiful photos.
Love and hugs to you. Remember it is okay to admit you are having a bad day and that you need some time, there will always be people around to pitch in (I wish I was close enough to help out).
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..We Walked for Maddie, We Walked for All Babies =-.
Kristin says:
Sending more love.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..It’s all in your head =-.
Deborah says:
I love those chubby cheeks and little rosebud lips!! I especially like the picture in the upper right corner. She’s got this real “Bish, please!” look on her face!
I’m so glad that you have Mike in your life, and that you have professionals to talk to on a daily basis. And yes, I’m glad you have those of us who follow you to talk to as well! I think about you every single day.
((((hugs))))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..New Camera, New Lenses, New Excitement =-.
Nikki says:
She is BEAUTIFUL and I’m so glad that you guys have each other. Everything is one step at a time, but I imagine having a little doll like Annie by your side makes that seem at least a tiny bit easier.
Thank YOU for sharing your life. It’s wild to imagine that other people get where you’re coming from, but you’re giving a voice to a number of issues that a ton of people can relate to. It’s not always the easiest to spell out, but you are definitely not alone. Hopefully that is of some comfort.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Terri says:
It’s so wonderful that your hubby is supportive. You really are a great team. I’m glad he has your back! Annie is just so adorable, she is starting to get those little girl looks and expressions. I just love the looks she gives the camera, tooooo cute!!!
Krissa says:
What a pretty girl. … I’m glad you guys have each other and Mike. Rigby too! Hope she hasn’t gotten into your emergency stash again, although probably not. I think they usually learn from experiences like that. … Hope your day is a good one.
The Bush League Cook says:
Have followed your blog for some time now. You are an amazing mom and an amazing woman. Your girls are blessed to have you as their mother. I think navigating grief is like navigating new waters every single day, not knowing what the weather may be. My mom always told me: Do the next thing. It helped me when my Dad died two years ago. You are doing the next thing, and you will make it. Hugs.
.-= The Bush League Cook´s last blog ..Pasta Salad =-.
jen says:
She’s just precious. If I could get my hands on her, I’d kiss her face off.
Take care of you…it’s the best thing you can do for Annie.
(((Hugs))) from here!
.-= jen´s last blog ..ah, wisconsin =-.
Cheri says:
You are an AWESOME MOM! This is for you and all the mom’s out there. It was emailed to me today and it just seemed to fit here too
Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom.
I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body..
I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love,
the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.
Love to you and your family!
Amanda says:
I know it seems impossible to believe (and please please know that I am NOT making light of your feelings!) but, in time, the feelings will not be as strong, not quite as debilitating.
You’ve given yourself a gift already – you wrote this (paraphrasing because I can’t get the archives to work!): I go on because I want to spread the word about preemies and MOD. I go on because doing so keeps Maddie alive.
It takes courage to admit when you are down and need support. I’m proud of you.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..I would be lying if I said that I never think of drinking. =-.
Amanda says:
I just signed up for Annie birth announcement! I can’t wait!
I’m sorry you even have to contend with life’s lows. Lows such as the loss of a child is something that I cannot comprehend, but your strength and voice is remarkable.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
MAYA says:
love you, and love that little face. cant wait to mush you both.
.-= MAYA´s last blog ..Yes, I’m Still Here- Just Under a Ton of Boxes =-.
Vera says:
She is beautiful and so lucky to have an awesome mommy and daddy!! I think about you pretty much every day, and wish there was a way to take away some of your hurt and fear.
.-= Vera´s last blog ..Onions? =-.
Carrie Montag says:
Your blog is the first thing i read when I turn on my computer at work everyday. Your honesty is truly refreshing and so raw. It is Ok to have bad days. My son has a lot of special needs, and I still have days of heavy grief and “why him?” The unknown is the worst part. You are and inspiration to me and to all of your readers, and little Annie is adorable!
Molly says:
She’s perfection. Also, I am SO jealous of those gorgeous eyes of Annie’s! Maddie’s eyes were one of the first things that grabbed me about your blog too.
Does Annie have a spohr head?
.-= Molly´s last blog ..One year =-.
Leslie says:
When I was miscarrying the twin in my last pregnancy, before I knew that I hadn’t lost both babies. I would sit and hold my 9-month-old son for hours. He was snuggly and warm and would make me feel so much better to have a baby to hold even though my other baby was gone. I have no idea the kind of grief that comes from falling in love with your beautiful child just to have them leave, but I’m sure that the comfort that comes from holding another of your beautiful children is the same. Annie is so beautiful, she will help pull you through some of the tough times.
Brooke says:
Indulging you is part of why we are all here, it’s support in it’s purest form… We all need support, some days more than others and we all need to lean on others sometimes… And this outlet can be the easiest and best way to get it out b/c it’s not ‘saying’ it… But, it is allowing someone else to see it and help just by saying we love you and are there to listen… Annie is amazingly beautiful… just like her big sister… You do need rest, but you also do need the closeness of your little one, you’ll find a balance in that… You are amazing! You are moving forward in life, it’s never going to be easy but that keeps Maddie right there too!
Brooke
.-= Brooke´s last blog ..Feeling Compelled =-.
Melissa says:
Hi Heather,
I just want to let you know that I think about you and your family often. I dont know you personally I came across your site from another blog I used to read. I think you an incredible person and can only imagine what it is that you are going through. I cant fathom what losing my daughter would feel like. I know the panic of the maybe as I was in labor at 26 weeks but luckily my daughter made it to term and is now as we speak in Florida at the age of 16 with her school without me. From what I have read, it will get better but the hole the loss will always be there. Annie is beautiful. I pray for you and ask that He gives you strength when you think you have none left to get through the next moment.
Kim says:
I understand this so well. Grief is a strange animal. Keep on keepin on my love. You are amazing, don’t forget it. Keep going to therapy and talking talking talking.
I love you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Snow. =-.
Tami says:
I try to Imagaine what it is like for you.. I suffer from anxiety and depression and its hard to make it threw some days. Just keep holding on to Annie as tight as you can. She is sooo adorable!! I wish I had the right words and right support for you , but you have a great Hubby and a precious baby and thats more then any one can give you right now..
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Trisha Vargas says:
The little expressions Annie is always making with her mouth are just too cute for words! She is so photogenic, just like her big sis! You Spohr’s make some adorable little ones
(((HUGS)) from Florida
Kelly says:
I LOVE the pout! So adorable. I am so glad you were able to admit to Mike that you were having a bad day – and I am even happier Mike knew exactly what to do. What a great man. You two make a great team. The mind works in crazy ways, what you think you would have felt in the beginning facing a tragedy manifests itself into all kinds of strange emotions. I had an event when I was 14 that, looking back, I dealt with much better than I did almost 24 years later when my own daughter was approaching 14. I clung to her, worried sick over her and acted like a total maniac. I thought I was going insane, but now 6 years later I am more at peace and I think it was just my minds way of working it out. Sometimes when our mind is not able to reconcile something, in time our body takes over for us and puts us on an emotional journey that does not always make a lot of sense at the time. In time, you will be okay. You will never be the same okay as you were before but it will be a different kind of okay. You are doing all the right things, talking to a therapist, writing out your emotions, talking to Mike…in time that okay will come.
Jennifer says:
Your pictures are gorgeous Heather. It’s good to hear you tell your true feelings. I tend to hold them inside alot. I don’t know why we as women feel we need to heap it all on our backs sometimes. I admire you for being able to share your most intimate feelings, hopes and fears with us as total strangers. It’s good you are seeking outside help to cope with your feelings too. It’s good to get an outside opinion. Annabel is just as beautiful as Maddie. She’s looking alot like Mike too. Precious. I hope your days continue to shine brighter than the day before. That’s Maddie shining down on you 3. Take care. Jenn
Marti from Michigan says:
For your blog post yesterday, I made a late comment. I was at the dentist office yesterday, getting ready for a partial denture! Ugh, age creeps up on a person quickly. I’m only 59 and getting partial dentures. The only good thing about that is, I can freak out my grandkids when I show that my teeth can come out, lol!
I posted about meditation for your panic attacks Heather. I hope you go back and read it.
I have so fallen in love with all of you these past few months of reading your blog. You, Mike, Maddie and Annie are my heroes for sure.
Alison says:
Thinking of you always, as you know.
And thank goodness you and Mike have each other and precious Annabel. Maddie and Annie have a pretty awesome family.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..IQ =-.
SuZ says:
She’s a beauty…
Nicole says:
Annabel is beautiful just like her big sister! They are both lucky girls to have you and Mike as their parents! Your doing a great job momma! I know Madeline is proud of you guys! Much love xoxo
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Adventures in Potty Training: Day 2 =-.
Katie C. says:
As always, sending my thoughts and prayers!
Rebecca says:
Annabelle is gorgeous. Thanks for sharing!
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..One Hundred Miles =-.
Jenn says:
Hey Sweetie,
I am so proud of the strength you have shown, talking about depression! Depression is a messy progress, not one that is easily, if ever mastered and unfortunately can last for years. I remember reading you once blog – it was so raw, it scared me! I knew in that exact second you were suffering from post dramatic syndrome. I blame that terrible Dr for that one! What an ASSHOLE!!!
I remember when I first got sick. My Dr looked at me and said through MY tears “Well Jenn, welcome to the rest of your life. No one will help you and I am certainly not going to give you ANYTHING for your relentless pain, nor will I send you to a Pain Clinic b/c no Dr is going to give an early in your early 30’s especially since some pain meds will just caused you to become an addict”.
I was lost and overwhlemed but some how found the strength to promise him without fail when I took my own life, HIS Name would be in my note which would end up in the press”. My honestly shocked him but still the most he would do is sign me off of work so I can sleep the 2 to 3 night I was getting!
I’m glad you have Mike with you. I remember you saying he lost his job for whatever reason but, sometimes there is a reason things happen. I think his job right now is to care for you and Annie.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your struggles and even though things seem hard, I often find here is a reason for it and this too shall past!
One small step at a time honey! You hug that baby as often that you want and need to but never forget so many of us near and far away also wish we could take you in our arms and whisper in your ear “I’m right here for you and one day, life will eventually get just even a little bit better!
Sending you a warm hug and reminding you, even just for a minute… one day you WILL smile again while holding one baby in your arms and the other in your heart!
With Friendship & Love,
Your Friend,
Jenn
xo
Chris says:
This just made me ache for you—I too have been there. Only I was 18. Now I’m in my 30’s. Now they will give me pain medication (which doesn’t help) but at least my doctor gives me sleeping medication so I can sleep a couple hours a night. I feel your pain Jenn. Actually quite literally. (((HUGS)))
Jenn says:
THank you Chris! It is a hard struggle and I too still struggle with depression and longing for my old life back. I find I’m lonely a lot but being here with all of these awesome people (especially Heather & MIke) help me a lot. I’m so sorry for your pain. If you ever want/need to talk, you can e-mail me at sydygirl@rogers.com
Take Care,
Jenn
Chrisie says:
(((((HUGS)))))
You are an amazing lady Heather. I know that probably doesn’t mean much, but its true.
Little Annie gets more and more beautiful every second!
leel says:
when i feel the lowest and most anxious i really focus on my breathing. my therapist pointed out that i pretty much hold my breath insead of breathing through my belly. turns out my poor brain & body create continuous tension and anxiety by not breathing deeper. Plus, the focus on the breath brings you back to your body and away from the cycling images of the mind, if even for a few seconds. my body really responds being the machine it is. i’m sorry – you probably know this I just try and live each moment as it comes and look at my day today, not tomorrow. hope this helps a wee bit
annie is getting so big! hugs to you all.
keeley
ps. Eckhart Tolle helped me out a lot.
.-= leel´s last blog ..wordless wednesday :: april yard :: =-.
Sue says:
Annie is sooooo beautiful, Heather, and becoming more so with each and every photo. She’s got two of the best parents ever, and a precious big sister who we will never forget. My heart just aches when I read your words of feeling sad, but I’m glad that Annie can bring a smile, and some well-deserved comfort to you,,,,,,,,,,,,,AND,,,,,, let’s not forget Mike;. who ALWAYS seems to be there for you. He is a gem!
Samantha says:
Your daughters are stunning. Everytime I pull your blog up i am in awe of maddies beauty. Those eyes!
.-= Samantha´s last blog ..I’m Going To Miss Her =-.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Your words are precious. I hate when you’re sad, but it’s so understandable. It’s unfair, but you live it out so graciously.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..a proper disguise =-.
Chris says:
Heather,
Your blog impresses me everyday. It really is the first site I come to each morning, and I have to say I love being rewarded with adorable Annie pictures–I seriously want to kiss her precious little cheeks everytime I see her. The pictures you take are amazing, but your words are even more so. It is SO good that you can say you’re having a bad day, and hey if it means holding that precious little girl a little more, what the heck?:) What’s important is you’re working through it, you and Mike both, together, you’re being a wonderful mom to your gorgeous Annie and you’re starting to find your way back to things you loved to do–like take pictures. You take gorgeous pictures. Maddie and Annie both are going to have the most gorgeous records of their baby years. Thank you, as always for sharing them and your feelings and know you have an ARMY out here thinking of you and supporting you.
MJ says:
You two make adorable babies. I sincerely hope you make at least 1 or two more. The world needs more adorableness…
You’re doing the best you can, and you can’t rush these things. You are awesome parents–you adore your babies and love them absolutely. It show in every word you write.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Keep it up. You are loved.
Charmed says:
Heather and Mike,
Annie has to be the prettiest baby I have seen!! She is an absolute doll!
I know Maddie is looking down on her baby sissie and smiling every day!
.-= Charmed´s last blog ..I think I’ll pass…. =-.
Lex - @laprimera says:
Annie is such a joy. I was filled with complete bliss when I got to hold her and talk to her and make her smile. She does look so much like Mike. But it was such a great gift to catch her expressions looking like you, Heather. And looking like Maddie. Of course, there will be very tough days… but how wonderful that joy will be there for you. Thanks for always being so gracious. xoxo
.-= Lex – @laprimera´s last blog ..He’s my friend =-.
Issa says:
Just keep moving forward Heather. Keep writing and talking and holding tight to Annie and Mike. It’s all you can do. Look at that beautiful squishy girl, she’s the best medicine in the world.
Gah, she’s getting so big. Hey…are you bringing her to BH so I can squish her? In a nice way…promise.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Just letting some of the crazy out =-.
Michelle M. says:
My daughter Chloe has that same Boppy cover! I hope you know that although many of us that read your blog are “strangers,” we still feel like your friends and we love you and want you only happiness for you, Mike, and Annie. I know you will always have a gaping hole in your heart though. It’s okay to have all the feelings you are experiencing – you have been through hell!!! You are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for and you are an inspiration to all of us. Of the many blogs I read, I look forward to seeing your new posts the most. You are absolutely hilarious, too!!!
Michelle Pixie says:
She is so breathtakingly beautiful! Just like her sister and when I saw Annie’s eyelashes they reminded me of Maddie’s beautiful lashes.
You are an amazing mom and you need to be sure to take care of her.
XOXO
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Lumps & Bumps =-.
Jen says:
I’m sorry you had a bad day. I’m so glad, though, that you and Mike have Annabel, and that she has you. I know that she is helping you guys heal and giving you a reason to go on, and that she is more loved than any little girl on the planet.
Also, your girls are so completely gorgeous.
Kristy says:
No words….just hugs! Lots of hugs!
Glenda says:
Thinking of you and sending you hugs! Annabel is Gorgeous… just like Maddie! Hold on tight to Annabel… I’m sure she is your strength right now. That daughter/bond is unbreakable. XX
Deidre says:
I just have to say she looks so much like Mike, it is incredible. You are in there somewhere, but right now it’s Mike’s baby. I am so glad to know you read everyone’s entry. And most of all I am still glad you feel like there is NO time line of when you should be all better, because that is just never going to happen, well I should not speak for you, but you are never the same. I still struggle with my loss. I am almost too embarrassed to say that anywhere except here….well I tell my daughter too, she is now 13 how I miss her daddy,
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.
Ashley Hast says:
You’re always in my thoughts and prayers. Annabel is *perfect*.
.-= Ashley Hast´s last blog ..I knew you (pretended to) missed me! =-.
mrs chaos says:
How cute is she?!?!?
Hugs for all of you…
.-= mrs chaos´s last blog ..Colors =-.
Cara from NC says:
Heather,
We are not indulging you at all, you are teaching a lot of us to be better moms–to count our blessings and to not take simple moments for granted!!! Annabel is gorgeous–what a cutie! I am excited to get Annabel’s birth announcement–I did my sons through tiny prints and they were great! Thinking of you and hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
You are so loved, Heather.
And I don’t blame you for holding tightly to Annabel. Just look at her! It would be all I could do, to not nibble on her cheeks all day long.
xoxo
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Little by Little =-.
harriet says:
Urgh Heather I really wish I could take your pain away. This is not fair.
You are all so lucky to have each other in these horrible moments- but ofcorse you know that. Each day I wake up and read each new entry (You seem to submit at 9am my time) and you really help me get through my bad days in silly ways most people would surely not understand – and I know I am not the only one. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Thankyou as always. Give Annie a snuggle from me.
Kim says:
Thinking of you today and everyday. You are amazing!! I check your blog everyday for updates and that sneak peak into your lives. I laugh alot and cry too much sometimes. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. Maddie and Annie are such beautiful little girls!! You take such beautiful pics. Wish I could as well of my babies.
Hugs from Oklahoma
Amanda says:
I don’t have a good one, how ridiculous that now, seeing that you read these I well up with performance anxiety. Gah. Maybe just give this one to Mike, because when I read the words of how he simply hugged you and carried Annie away to let you sleep, I sobbed. Ain’t nothing perfect about the perfection you have, but it is perfection. Aching.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Be Patient =-.
jen says:
That is one cute baby!!! I want to gobble up those cheeks:).
you two certainly make beautiful children. Wishing you the best through these difficult times.
april says:
Sorry that some days are so tough. But like other posters said… take each day as it comes. And if you’re having a bad day… let it out on here. You can tell “us” anything… we’ll listen. Hold onto Annie… I’m sure sometimes she is the only thing that makes life bearable and that’s OK too… don’t be ashamed of needing her so badly somedays. ( I mean… just looking at her cute little cheeks makes me happy. How lucky are you that you’re her momma?) Channel all your love into her. Children are our greatest legacy and gift. sending love and hugs… and strength… from NJ.
Kerri says:
You are an amazing family with strength that could stand up to mountains! Thank you for sharing your life and family!
Hugs and prayers all the time for you all!
.-= Kerri´s last blog ..My Truck and I…. =-.
monica says:
you deserve nothing but love and support and I’m so glad I follow your blog. Little Annie, oh.my.word. I just wanna reach thru the screen and pinch those little cheekers and smother her with kisses from her head to her little piggies!!! Love, love the close up of her face!!
preTzel says:
One. Step. At. A. Time.
Heather I don’t comment as much as others or keep in touch with you as much as I feel I should. I read your blog at least three times a week. The marching? I’m teary eyed.
Your love of your daughters comes through in every word and every picture. You have experienced a HUGE event in your life. One that no parent ever wishes for themselves or anyone else. It will take lots and lots of time to heal. You take all the time you need. Every second, every moment that you need.
Please know that everytime the sun sets in Iowa and I see the brilliant purples and pinks your daughter is what I am thinking of. And you. And your journey through this grief – filled time. (((((HUGS)))))
Amanda M. says:
Gah! That little chair with her name is way too cute! Her adorableness is intense. I love seeing her monthly pictures side-by-side. Her wide-eyed look reminds me of her sister.
.-= Amanda M.´s last blog ..Planning a Trip to Japan: Part 8 =-.
Jennifer says:
So precious!!!
susie says:
I’m so sorry that you had a bad day. I am glad that sharing your feelings with all of us helps you get through the bad days.
And Annie: You are just adorable!!
Mary says:
Annie just gets more beautiful day by day.
Hate that you have such low days but it’s so understandable. Glad you have Annie to snuggle with and the love & support of Mike, family, & friends.
Sending love your way,
Mary
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Thanks, ALOT =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Oh, that picture of her with her arm resting on the chair! Your girls, they are such dolls!
And your husband, he is awesome!
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..I Laugh Nearly Every Day =-.
Angela says:
You’re such a sweet, genuine woman. Wishing you a little peace this evening.
Angela
p.s. Honestly, could Annie be ANY cuter?
c.c. says:
i know my circumstances differ greatly from yours, and so my comments might not apply as well, but…
those hills and valleys of which you speak. i’ve known them since i was eight. so for nearly thirty years, my moods have ran freely up and down and all over. it’s a constant struggle for me…the climbing back up from the lowest of the lows. when my brother died, i think the two years following his death were the worst, and climbing out of that was hell. i imagine it’s a million times worse for you.
the thing that helps me the most (and, no, it’s not always a great comfort….sometimes it’s like having a pillowcase without a pillow), is the knowledge that eventually (even if it’s only for a day or two), i will see the summit again and it will be glorious.
also, (and this is a different analogy) sometimes sinking to the bottom helps quite a bit…because then you have the sure footing of the ocean’s floor that you can use to bounce off of and get to the surface more quickly.
and it’s oh so nice–and sometimes it’s enough–to just be held. to know the emotions you have aren’t bigger than you.
i think you’ve got a lot of great ideas here. a lot of help.
i will pray tonight that tomorrow you can see the view from the summit.
.-= c.c.´s last blog ..o is for opinions (or onions…take your pick) =-.
Norma says:
Everyday I read your blog and I mourn for your beautiful daughter. I see the pictures and it makes me smile and cry at the same time. I agree with many of your other posters, you’ve been dealt a terrible blow and have not been able to mourn for Maddie, it’s been barely a year. I’m sure your hormones are also playing a huge part in your feelings. I think and pray for you, Mike and your beautiful daughters every day. God bless you.
Elise says:
So glad you have Annabel as your constant, and that you find comfort in that amazingly gorgeous baby girl. I’m so sorry to read about how much deep pain you are understandably in, but I am glad you are surrounded by love and support to help you get through each day and to sometimes even see the view from the top.
Mary says:
Although the loss of a spouse is not the same as the loss of a child, for me, year 2 was very hard. I think for the first year, I was just kind of numb. Trying to cope with it all, trying to wrap my head around having a new baby and not having my partner and soulmate. And as others have said, the combination of hormones, lack of sleep, and grief can be quite a smackdown combination. All I can inanely say is, hang in there. Hugs to you all. A
Mary says:
THat last part is supposed to say: And that Mike, what a supportive partner.
CArrie says:
saw these Macy Gray lyrics and thought of you, even though I don’t “know” you…It’s for you and Annie :).
Hey baby, when I’m looking at you,
I know this fact is true.
There is hope for love.
There is beauty in the world.
Hey baby,
Hey baby, when I’m looking at you;
I know this vibe is true.
There’s love…
There’s hope for love…
There’s beauty in the world
themaggers says:
There are some many of us here for you during the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I hope you feel some of that love everyday, but especially when you are really down. I wish there was more they I could do or say.
Love you! Love Maddie!
.-= themaggers´s last blog ..One Year =-.
Katie says:
Hi Heather,
I have been reading your blog for a year now. Just waiting for the right time to tell you that I have been blogstocking you & checking up on you guys every s.i.n.g.l.e day since I stumbled upon you. Waiting for the right thing to say. Well…the right ‘thing’ just hasn’t come. I don’t know what else to say other than…I think about you & your family every single day. How beautiful Maddie is and what a blessing she is to so many people (including myself). I love your blog. I love your family. You are AMAZING. A beautiful Mother of two very special gals.
Kayla says:
If my simple words do even the smallest amount to ease your burden, then I am doing something right. If I could, I would shoulder as much of your pain as I could until it crushed me, and then heave on some more, because you deserve that Heather. You are owed that much. To be relieved of your suffering for even a moment.
Again, I will never turn away nor stop listening. You always have my deepest sympathies. Always.
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” – Kenji Miyazawa.
“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” – Emily Dickinson.
“Although it’s difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.” – Author Unknown.
Melissa says:
The main thing is that you are doing it, moving one foot in front of the other.
I always said I would never make it if something happened to my babies but you are such an insperation to all of us. You are living proof that with love and support you can do anything. Maddie and Annie are such lucky gals to have you and Mike, so keep going and keep hanging on and know you have a big rooting section out here cheering the Spohrs on! love, Melissa
Meg says:
You are such a strong person. EVERY parent has the panicky moments thinking about their kids. But lucky for most of us, these are just crazy thoughts and out-there “what ifs.” I am so sorry that those thoughts run through your mind. I am so happy that you have a sweet baby girl with you now to remind you to LOVE each day (especially on the not so good days).
Amy says:
I am happy the comments help. And I am happy that you do what you need to do. You are incredibly strong.
lisa says:
Sometimes I don’t understand how you have managed to get through all of this. Annabel must be your angel for sure.
I lost my little one in November. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her, cry or feel some overwhelming jealousy when I see someone else with their little one.
My little one was my companion for twelve years, my little dog. Although I I feel a lot of grief for myself, I go to your blog every day and it keeps it in perspective for me. No loss compares to the loss of a child that is sure.
Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with all us blog readers. You have helped me get through my grieving times and for that I am grateful.
Dawn says:
I love how supportive you and Mike are of each other…I think back to when Mike blogged about having a break down and having to go to the hospital and the YOU were the person that held it together for him…
I’m lovin’ the pic of Annie in the animal print…it looks like she has a little mischief up her sleeve….I’m sure she comes by it honestly
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Blown Away! =-.
Ray says:
I wish.
I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish Maddie would return to you. But wishing ain’t getting. ;o( I am so happy you have Annie. She is truly heaven sent.
Always in my prayers you are.
Joie says:
I must know…where did you get that Annie chair with the pink??!!
Ashley says:
I am a total stranger to you, on the other side of the country and I don’t even have kids, but I read your blog every day because I worry about you like I worry about my best friend. I think about you, Mike, Annabelle and Maddie daily and I pray for you every time I go back to my work/whatever task I was doing before I stopped to check out your daily post. You’ve said it before, but I hope you know that you are not alone in those valleys and peaks- there are so many of us, sometimes silently, like I often am, who are right here with you, praying you through.
Much love.
Carrie says:
Balance is hard for any mom. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it must be for you. Know that you are in my prayers.
Annie is beautiful- love the pictures.
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..My husband =-.
Rachel says:
wow, she is so beautiful. She has Maddie’s eyes.
Ginger says:
I wish I could give you a big squeezy hug. I know your life will never be “right” but it will feel more right, someday, I know it will.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Stinkeye, party of one =-.
April says:
You have a beautiful little girl. Sorry to hear about Maddie, but my prayers will be with you for healing and comfort.
April
.-= April´s last blog ..S is for "So" much fun! =-.
TANIA says:
I just lost my entire comment, normally I would get upset and say to hell with it and not repost but I really wanted to post this…..I know you have tons of friends and tons of support and you wouldn’t know me if I passed you on the street but I really want to tell you that I get the “grip” I understand the “grip” and that a little over 5 years later I still have the “grip” the “hold”on my 7 and a half year old….after I delivered and lost her baby brother at 25 weeks (well 24 weeks, 6 days) my life has never been the same and nor will it ever be the same…..I don’t think I will ever come to terms with it, but I live life the best I can….how does one come to terms with losing a child, a child that you held,loved,carried? But I go on and I have to for my other child…..she was a little over 2 and a half when her little brother “Anthony Douglas” died and while I was always a mother who had a “grip” before, I have to say that my “grip/hold” is ten times greater then it was……..I am not paranoid but I will say that when she isn’t here at night I don’t sleep, I call numerous times to make sure she is okay….thank goodness that her three best friends parent(s) are three of my best friends and they get it, they understand, they will call me sometimes before I call them to say she is okay…..I work full time, everyday is a battle to go to work, five years later, I still panic at work sometimes is she okay, did she get hurt on the playground….I am sure some therapist out there will say I am “nuts” but the “grip” is overwhelming ….and I am pretty sure any parent out there that has lost a child will tell you they “grip” a little more onto their “living” (if you may) children a little harder…..my whole reason for this post is that I wanted to just say I get the “grip”, I get the loss of sleep, the anxiousness, and I wanted to simply say you are not alone……….and don’t ever feel that you are over protective….we are mothers who have lost a child……or even children…in some case’s and we feel what we feel …………….
P.S. Annabel is just beautiful, as is Maddie!!!!!!! And you are a wonderful mother!!!!
cheryl says:
oooooh no! i’m so behind. i think i missed the deadline but i gave it a shot.
annabel is beautiful and quite the talker! ; )
Al_Pal says:
Wonderful photos. I’m so glad that you can type the words that are too painful to voice.
*hugs*