I never knew emptiness could weigh so much, she said. I can barely hold it. So I sat beside her and reached for her hand and we held it together. ~Brian Andreas
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. When we were planning our wedding we thought it was perfect that our dating anniversary fell on a Saturday, so the sixteenth of December now symbolizes the day our relationship began, and the day it became permanent. “Happy six and ten,” we said yesterday morning. Six years married, ten years together. We didn’t have anything in particular planned for the day. I felt like going out to dinner would be a waste (“Why should we pay for food when I can throw up for free at home,” I romantically joked to Mike).
I am so thankful for my families: the one I was born into, and the one I choose to populate with friends. Six years ago, members of both came together to bear witness to the creation of a new family, the one Mike and I started with our wedding vows. That night, as we spun around the room, the collective happiness of my families filled my heart.
We need people to not only bear witness to the good times, but also to the tragic, too. The hardest times are made easier by the ones who open their eyes, ears, and hearts to those who are suffering. It may not seem like it at the time, but when those in the throes of agony one day have the strength to look back they will see that their hardest moments were made a bit easier because others were there to help. The invisible heaviness of grief would crush each of us without the hands of so many to lessen its weight on our shoulders.
One thing I’ve learned in the last few years is that eventually, we all encounter our own losses. We think it will happen to someone else, but none of us are immune. Sometimes the emptiness is made up of expected loss: grandparents and parents, our elders. But, the majority of us will all be touched by unforeseen loss: cancer, car accidents, illness, violence. People taken from their lives and ours before any of us were ready.
We all carry our own burdens but it’s best to not compare them because there is no point; no one wins. But when we can occasionally shift our own burdens to the side to help someone else with theirs we might find that our own burdens, too, become lighter. Sometimes we can help in tangible ways with donations and cards and meals, and other times all we can do is watch and be present and never, ever forget.
The saying is that misery loves company, but I think that really, people love company. We want to share the good times, and we want to know we aren’t alone in the bad. When I married Mike six years ago I was only thinking about our future good times, but it turns out I also got a partner to walk with through the bad. On our anniversary we held our hands together, and held them out to those going through unthinkable tragedy. We are not alone, and neither are they.
J in Eire says:
You have a gift with words Heather. Happy 6th and 10th, I’m so glad you have each other. My heart goes out to you all in the US for the loss of life and innocence. I hope change comes.
kristen says:
I thought of you several times over this past weekend. My family knew the principle, Dawn. One of the teachers lived down the road. Several friends lost loved ones. We are having a hard time dealing with this tragedy, but I know its nothing compared to the pain the parents of those 20 innocent babies are experiencing.
Barbara says:
I’m so sorry you have been touched so personally by this. Please know that folks all the way down in Louisiana are thinking of you. My son’s school in the country, in the middle of a cotton field, had a moment of silence for Sandy Hook on Monday. A small preschool in Marshall, TX, not far from here had a a balloon release of green, yellow and white balloons. Countless schools are coming together to write letters and cards and so, so many all over the world have Sandy Hook in their thoughts and prayers.
Lanie says:
I so wish that none of us had to live in a world without our child/children. You are so right that it does help to know that we are not alone. Sending hope and hugs to Victoria, the rest of Noah’s family and all the other loved ones of those left behind in Newtown.
Happy 6 and 10 to you and Mike! So glad that you have each others hands to hold and that you hold them out to help so many others.
carrielu says:
I have been searching for a way to give something to the people in Newtown, besides my prayers. Thank you for providing a way for me to give a donation, Noah and his family will remain in my heart.
Jenn says:
Beautifully written Heather. Thank you for Noah’s site. My heart aches for him, his family & all who are affected by such a horrible, senseless loss. Happy Anniversary.
DefendUSA says:
Having grown up in Southbury,CT, and living a stone’s throw from my Aunt in Newtown, I am thankful that my cousins were not there that day. I cannot imagine the pain and the heavy emptiness those parents must feel. Well, I can. But I had time to say goodbye. My friends and neighbors there have picked up the slack and are helping as much as they can. God Bless those little children and may they rest in peace. And may the families and their communities find comfort in each other to somehow move forward in healing. I have cried so many tears for them and it will never be enough.
DefendUSA says:
Heather,
Please pass this on to your friend…The person who wrote went to high school with me- a year younger in school. And by chance, she mentions Noah.
“”So, sleep has eluded me again, about 3 hours. The list of names has faces attached. I saw everyone of these babies everyday on their way to lunch. Every day I sit on the bench in front of the office as they walk by and say hi to me so excitedly as their teachers try to keep them quiet as they walked by. We would, smile, wink, hi five, wiggle our fingers at each other.
Avielle always had a twirl in her step as she said hi.
Noah always, always tried to tell me an interesting little tidbit from his day.
Jessica always made beautiful eye contact and complimented me on my outfit.
Jesse always gave me that sweet, sly grin.
Ben always had a big wave for me at the end of the line
Emilie with her beautiful blue eyes.
Carolyn always the model student would give me a big smile
Joey, who sometimes shared the bench with me, as I tried to look at all her iPad apps as she sat next to me
Jack with a big wave
So many more… I just want their parents to know how much their children meant to all of us.” (Nancy Rogers)
DefendUSA says:
“So, sleep has eluded me again, about 3 hours. The list of names has faces attached. I saw everyone of these babies everyday on their way to lunch. Every day I sit on the bench in front of the office as they walk by and say hi to me so excitedly as their teachers try to keep them quiet as they walked by. We would, smile, wink, hi five, wiggle our fingers at each other.
Avielle always had a twirl in her step as she said hi.
Noah always, always tried to tell me an interesting little tidbit from his day.
Jessica always made beautiful eye contact and complimented me on my outfit.
Jesse always gave me that sweet, sly grin.
Ben always had a big wave for me at the end of the line
Emilie with her beautiful blue eyes.
Carolyn always the model student would give me a big smile
Joey, who sometimes shared the bench with me, as I tried to look at all her iPad apps as she sat next to me
Jack with a big wave
So many more… I just want their parents to know how much their children meant to all of us.”
DefendUSA says:
PS…How Shea got my comment…I don’t know but it’s me, Defend!!
Shea says:
That is odd — I’m Shea (obviously, haha) but I hadn’t commented yet. I don’t know how my name got there. When I just clicked to reply here, someone else’s name and email address populated the fields and I had to erase them and put in my own…Looks like there may be some sort of bug!
Heather says:
I fixed it! So strange.
SJ says:
I just got it too!! I decided someone had either stolen my laptop, or I had another personality. Relieved that I don’t. I’m hard enough to keep up with
Lanie says:
I wish that none of us had to live in a world without our child/children. You are so right that it does help to know that we are not alone. Sending hope and hugs to Victoria, the rest of her family and all the other loved ones left behind in Newtown.
Happy 6 and 10 to you and Mike – so glad that you have each others hands to hold and that you extend them to help so many others.
Andrea says:
Happy Anniversary!! I’m currently battling breast cancer and I have found your statement to be so true:
“It may not seem like it at the time, but when those in the throes of agony one day have the strength to look back they will see that their hardest moments were made a bit easier because others were there to help.”
Editdebs (Debbie A-H) says:
Thank you for such a thoughtful post today. My heart aches for those parents.
Happy Anniversary.
Lisa says:
I remember the President reading Noah’s name last night. So, so incredibly sad. I’ve cried sooo many times this weekend watching all the news stuff. Just unbelievable. Just hold our babies tight and pray for all. That is all we can do.
Lora says:
Heather, you wrote beautiful and wise words. Thank you for them.
Erin Christine says:
Heather, you are so eloquent. Thank you for this beautiful post.
Michelle H says:
I thought of you on Friday Heather. And how these parents have experienced something none of us ever should, and how you know that grief.
I think of your previous posts and I am so incredibly sad for what they have been through and what is coming up for them.
I grieve for those children and those they left behind. Those kids were all born the same year as my two youngest. I’m just so so sorry.
Annalisa says:
Me too. When I think “oh, how to bear that loss. It’s unthinkable!”, I am reminded that you and many other parents live with that reality every day.
Miriam says:
You always find the right words at time when other find themselves speechless.
My heart hasn’t stopped breaking since Friday.
FreeRange Pamela says:
You’re a wise woman and you express that wisdom so eloquently. Yes, we’ll all likely be visited by unexpected tragedies in our lives, and having others around to understand and lean on is comforting. It’s especially sad to me that Noah was a twin and best friends with his twin sister, who will now grow up without him.
Sharon says:
You have the most amazing family and friends! I have been reading your blog for sometime and my almost 3 year old LOVES Annie and her videos!
We just suffered the loss of our 6 year old special needs daughter 3 wks ago. She passed away in a similar fashion as your sweet Maddie, took her to the ER and NEVER thought for one minute I wouldn’t be bringing her home ever again. We are so heartbroken as I am sure you know all to well. But we do not have the support of family like you are so blessed with. My family is 3000 miles away and my husbands family is near us here in LA :0( Anyway, like you my husband is my rock and we always have each other and we are doing our best for our other three girls.
I wish you the best with your new little baby on the way and will rejoice with you when he/she arrives safely into your arms.
All my best, Sharon
Heather says:
Oh Sharon, I am SO SORRY to hear about your daughter Lauren! If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. You and your family are in my thoughts and heart.
Auntie_M says:
Sharon,
I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. While I may be a stranger, please know that you and your family are in my heart, thoughts, and prayers.
Barbara says:
Sharon, my heart breaks for you. I wish no parent ever had to bury a child.
Glenda says:
Happy Anniversary to you and Mike! and may you grow old together and share many, many more years!
So sorry for your friends loss and for all the children and families in CT.
Katie says:
Thanks for the post Heather. You always have the right thing to say.
Sorry for the loss of your friends nephew, Noah.
Shea says:
This was beautifully written, thank you. It has been such a difficult weekend just watching the coverage — I can’t imagine how it has been for the families who are suffering.
Nancy Raine Smego says:
Heather, I heard your friend speak last night on CNN. What a horrible thing to have to speak about. I’m thinking about all the families of all the people who have been touched in their lives by unthinkable grief.
Sharen says:
I found this most moving in your post:
We all carry our own burdens but it’s best to not compare them because there is no point; no one wins. But when we can occasionally shift our own burdens to the side to help someone else with theirs we might find that our own burdens, too, become lighter.
I’m sharing this with all my friends today.
Thank you
Amanda says:
You are so beautifully and excruciatingly correct. The other thing that I have noticed is that in those times when we open ourselves to helping others, to sharing in their sorrow, some of our own splinters of hurt are eased. There is spiritual restorativeness in coming together, in sharing a journey.
Thank you for reminding us of this.
Crista says:
Happy 6 and 10 Heather and Mike. What a clever idea–I love it
My local news highlighted a few of the children last night and Noah was one of them. My heart turned especially sad when they said he had a twin sister. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the families and their loved ones.
Mary says:
Beautiful. I’ve always been drawn to your blog b/c I think it helps me deal better with grief in my own life. Although you certainly never wish pain on others, we are all stronger by coming together and sharing our experiences. Thank you for creating a place for doing that…
Sherry says:
Very nicely written, you have such a way of writing what most of us are feeling. So thank you for sharing. Ive lately found myself conflicted about how much of the details of each victim I wanted to hear about, scared that I would become even more saddened than i already am. But in these past few days I’m reminded of something I once heard Oprah say. She was referring to people who choose to ‘look away’ when tragic events happen so that they don’t have to ‘feel’ the pain. She said she was guilty of doing just that until she realized we MUST look, feel, and listen to these stories. For many reasons, but mostly so that we can educate ourselves in some way, or help, comfort or just be part of the healing. I have a 2 yr old and 4 yr old, so it all hits close to home and then I decided that if it were MY child who had died, I’d want people such as myself, to listen to my sons beautiful story or see his shining smile and hope his story would somehow positively affect someone’s life. And so here I am, reading about and praying for each one of those beautiful lives lost. Reading every single detail.
Sherry says:
Eeek! I forgot to say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! So happy you two have one another to laugh and cry with.
SJ says:
You are class defined, my faraway friend.
Jenny Bee says:
Feeling heartbroken for those so closely affected by the tragedy in Connecticut.
Angie B. says:
First of all, Happy Anniversary! Secondly, thank you for this beautiful post. I live near the Clackamas Town Center in Oregon. It is “my” mall; the mall where my 5 year old stood in line to have her picture taken with Santa. Truly an agonizing week. Feeling so heartbroken and needed to read your very eloquent post. Thank you!.
Liz says:
This is a beautiful post Heather. Happy Anniversary to you and Mike.
I realized that Noah and my sister share a birthday. I hope and pray that she is watching over him.
Auntie_M says:
Heather,
First~Happy Anniversary to you & Mike! 6 & 10! Amazing!
Second~Thank you for this beautifully written & eloquent piece on sharing one another’s grief. So true. So touching. The quote at the beginning…wow!
While allI those who lost a loved one on Friday have been in my thoughts and prayers, your friend’s family has really stood out in my mind…I hope she was able to be there as he was memorialized today. As an aunt who has lost a nephew, I feel an affinity with her. And I cannot even imagine what Noah’s parents & siblings are going through!
You are in the unique position of being the twin sister to a brother and a mother who has experienced the greatest of all losses. I know other “loss moms” have found this as a trigger to their own loss as they grieve deeply with these newly bereaved parents in a way beyond how the rest of us grieve with/for them. Please know that even as they are in my heart/prayers, so too are you and Mike.
Thank you again for your beautiful words.
~Mary
Madi says:
Hey Heather!
They just mentioned Friends of Maddie on Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN!
Noah Pozner’s uncle was talking about how they just set up an organization, and they mentioned that the Friends of Maddie were supporting them too.
Just thought you’d be interested in case you didn’t see it. It just aired at 10:32-ish on the East Coast on CNN AC360.
Madi
Paul Story says:
This comment may make me sound like an a-hole. Please know that I’m aware of this, but I have to ask a question.
Why, exactly, is the general public supposed to financially contribute to Noah Pozner’s family? This is a horrible tragedy, and I feel awful for them.
From what I read, Noah’s fund will be used to support the therapeutic and educational needs of his siblings. An admirable goal. But does the Pozner family needs this assistance? I understand the Newtown area to be relatively affluent, at least middle-class if not higher. Is there some reason they are unable to cover their own children’s expenses in the wake of this tragedy?
This isn’t Katrina, or an earthquake in Haiti. Obviously Noah wasn’t the bread-winner in his family. So while I certainly understand their pain, I guess I don’t understand why that should lead to financial needs that they are unable to meet?
Other organizations that have been created in the wake of personal tragedy, like Friends of Maddie and the Liz Logelin Foundation, are focused on helping other families enduring the same kind of devastating situations that the Spohrs and the Logelins (respectively) have endured. I totally get and understand that.
This fund for Noah, on the other hand, confuses me and I don’t understand the need for it. It very well may be my own ignorance, so please, enlighten me. Is there a reason that I’m not aware of that the Pozner family needs this assistance? Or is it inappropriate to ask such questions?
Might not some of the other Sandy Hook families need similar assistance? Is there something unique about the Pozners in this situation, or were their family/friends simply the first ones to set up a fund and a website?
(And as a final note: I am Jewish, and the Pozners are as well. As far as I know, Noah was the only Jewish victim of the shooting. I am NOT, in any way, shape or form, connecting this fundraising efforts to their Jewishness. I don’t think anyone would accuse me of anti-Semitism, but on the Internet, you never know.)
Mike says:
First, this post wasn’t about the Pozners. It was about all of the families and the tough road they have ahead. But… your comment is precisely the kind of judgement I don’t understand. Why feel the need to be so judgmental about how the families are trying to put their broken lives back together? They’ve been through something awful, they’re asking for help, so why not take that on face value? Why not give them the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the negative?
I have to say, when people say (not just you) “This a horrible tragedy, I feel terrible, BUT…” it rings pretty insincere. In any event, to answer some of your questions:
No one is “supposed” to contribute to the family. No one is being forced. If you don’t want to, don’t.
From personal experience, I can tell you the aftermath of a loss like this is very, very costly. First, there are significant funeral costs, and paying to bury your child is not something most people put aside money for. Second, grief therapists/child psychologists/psychiatrists… these professionals will be needed (likely for many years) and this is a serious expense. Imagine your daughter lost her twin and best friend. Imagine the kind of life altering trauma she is experiencing. Wouldn’t you want her to get the best help possible to ensure she’s able to not see her life hijacked by this loss? The parents and other siblings deserve that kind of help, too. There are many other costs as well that I’m not mentioning. One of the cruelest injustices about a loss like this is that you not only lose your child, but have to then find tens of thousands of dollars (at least) to put your family’s life back together.
Assuming to know the financial particulars of a family based on the sole fact that you “understand the Newtown area to be relatively affluent, at least middle-class if not higher” is incredibly presumptuous. In every community there is a wide variety of financial situations. I have no idea of the Pozner’s situation, but I would never assume they have the resources to take such a large financial hit simply because of where they live.
I hope this helped you understand things a little more. The thing to want answers for, and to be outraged about, is the death of these children and adults. Not any help the families may be receiving.
Mike says:
Oops… I apologize. I mistakenly thought your comment, Paul, was in response to my post today, and not this post of Heather’s. Still, most of my points are still relevant.
gugs says:
The fund has been revealed to be phony and has been taken down.
http://forward.com/articles/168030/phony-noah-pozner-fund-site-forced-down/
Heather says:
Hi Gugs,
The site I linked to is not one of the phony sites.