A lot of you have noticed that James strongly resembles another member of our family. And we’ve obviously noticed it – you can’t look at him and not see it.
It’s impossible to deny: James is the spitting image of…me.
The old pictures of me are a bit blurry, but as you have all observed by now, James and I have the same coloring, eyes, and lips.
Obviously, we love hearing about the similarities. Annie gets a little jealous, though. Anytime the subject of who James looks like comes up around her, she says, “I wanted the baby to look like ME!” We usually try to change the direction of the conversation because we don’t want her to feel bad.
Do I like looking at him and seeing the similarities? Yes, absolutely. It’s wonderful. Do I think he will care about who he looks like? No. In fact, I worry it might give him a bit of a complex to hear how much he resembles an older relative. Especially an older girl relative. I’ve heard boys can be sensitive about these things.
We plan on doing our best to never make a big deal about the resemblance. We don’t ever want him to feel compared, or that he has to live up to anything. I have a feeling it’s already going to be hard enough to follow larger-than-life Annabel – he doesn’t need more than that.
He’s his own sweet little person. I can’t wait to see who he becomes.
satchi Nitay says:
I noticed that James does resemble you, and I think it’s wonderful. My husband, Nitay is the splitting image (but masculine version) of his mom, and my brother likewise, is the male version (looks wise) of my mom- and the list goes on. A lot of the males/boys/friends and cousins I grew up that resembled their mothers always used their looks to their advantage and well- at least the boys I know, all knew they were good looking and didn’t care about what people said.
All the best!
Jenn says:
I think he looks a lot like Maddie….especially those BEAUTIFUL eyes!!! DOn’r you????
Angela says:
I don’t want to sound rude, but I think you missed the point of this post.
Kate says:
Agreed.
Annalisa says:
Besides the fact that James is his own person, I feel that it’s far too soon to even posit who he will ultimately look like. Children’s faces, eyes, and other features change so much in the first year that James might not even look the same as he looks right now in 1, 2, or 9 months.
When he finally becomes a toddler he will look like James, the unique child he is. I realize these comparisons come from a food place in people’s hearts, but think to yourself: how much do you like being compared to your own siblings? Most people I know don’t.
P.S. to Heather: Annie and James still have the same nose. I’d point that out if I were you, and explain that just like James doesn’t look exactly like mommy or daddy, he and she only share a nose.
Annalisa says:
“good”. It’s too early for me today.
Tracy says:
I also think he looks like Maddie, especially in the eyes. He’s gorgeous!
Lilian says:
I agree with Jenn, of course he looks a lot like Maddie, because Maddie looked a lot like Heather, and also Kyle, who I think James also resembles. Either way, James is a gorgeous baby, and is going to be a heartbreaker some day!
!
Sue says:
I certainly agree, too,,,that he looks so much like Maddie and you, Heather.
shannon says:
He’s just precious. And before you posted those side by side pictures I never really noticed how much he does look like you!
Elaine says:
I think it’s pretty fun – Annabel looks so much like Mike. Nicer than in my family, where both my brother and I look incredibly like our dad.
Melanie says:
You guys are so thoughtful to think of it in this way. James is such a blessing to your family and his looks give you another link to other blessings in the family, which I think is wonderful. I hope other people will respect your desire to keep his resemblance a silent but happy reminder of other loved ones.
And on the note of family resemblance, my husband looks equally like his mother and father. We’ve been places before and people who have never seen my husband, before even hearing his last name, say “You must be Roger and Teresa’s son!” He looks like his dad with his mom’s hair color (red) and distinct eye shape.
Suzanne says:
Great comment, Melanie. I hope other people understand what Heather is trying to say, and respect the family in this way.
I have 2 boys who people often say look so similar. But I try very hard to appreciate my kids in their own unique ways, not comparing them to each other.
I am sensitive to that as my sister and I both heard growing up – “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” It caused bad feelings both ways.
Annalisa says:
That’s how my daughter is. She’s a perfect blend of myself and the husband, and I’m pleased as punch about it.
As a newborn, she looked exactly like me, to the point that my mom used to get tripped up, and call her by my name. She got a pass, but everyone else who pointed out how we looked alike got a small list of ways in which she resembled my husband, so most people stopped doing it.
Resemblance is such a funny thing, too. When my husband and I were only a couple of months into dating, he came by my office to pick me up once, and the next day a coworker remarked “Your brother seems like a nice guy”. I drew a blank for a minute, and then I blurted “That’s not my brother, that’s my boyfriend!”. Though I didn’t mean to, I made my coworker feel mortified, so I added “Yeah, I know, we do have the same hair color, and kinda the same skin tone. But trust me, my brother and I look alike a lot more”.
Melanie says:
Haha! My husband and I get that too! I was in a sign language class and had to bring in pictures of family members to describe in ASL. My teacher thought my husband must surely be my brother. She didn’t believe that he was my husband (my actual brother looks nothing like me at all). When we started having kids, people would say, “She looks just like you… but she looks just like him… …you guys kind of look alike!” We always laughed because his brother and sister both married people that look like their brother/sister, and we thought we escaped that. I don’t see it at all. The only thing similar is that we are both very fair with freckles, and neither of us are very tall.
Kim says:
I too see a STRONG resemblance to Maddie – and Maddie looked like her mom!
kristen says:
Trying to be nice like Angela above: Maybe carefully re-read the post.
Kim says:
I don’t need to re-read the post. I understood it the first time.
What’s wrong, ladies? This is the opposite of a controversial post and response. Maddie, Annie and James are all beautiful children. They resemble who they resemble. Let’s be nice and bring happiness to someone’s day rather than bring them down by seeing controversy where there isn’t any.
Hope says:
I don’t want to cause controversy but I think they are asking politely for people to quit comparing James to Maddie. They don’t want him growing up feeling like he’s caught in Maddie’s shadow.
SJ says:
I totally understand that. I think there’s a huge difference between who he’ll encounter in “real life” vs the blog, though. We on the blog have seen Maddie’s pictures and followed this journey for years. Other than family and friends, the people he will encounter in his years going forward aren’t going to stop and exclaim that he looks so much like Maddie. Plus, as a boy, he’s going to naturally develop different enough features as he grows. We’re just seeing the early baby comparisons now. I echo the commenters that say that folks are invested in your family, and have nothing but the best intentions in all compliments given
Lauren says:
I truly don’t doubt you have the best of intentions. But I’m hearing Heather say she’d rather not hear comparisons like this, and I think it’s important to honor that.
Hope says:
Just because you’ve followed them for years doesn’t give you a right to say things that are inappropriate. The kids will grow up one day and possibly read the blog. This is THEIR story, THEIR family. Just because you read it does not give you ownership. Please, read what Heather is saying and fortheloveofmuffins, respect her. Respect the kids. Selfishness looks at how I feel about or see a situation. Love, compassion, maturity, looks outside of self and sees how to make a situation better for others. You choose. Who is this about? You? or this precious family. This Mom who is saying, “please let my kids be themselves?” These kids who have the right to grow up and be themselves and have an identity of their own?
TonyaM says:
I’m glad you did this post, but I’m afraid it’s not registering completely.
My dad was named after a close family friend’s son who died young. The mother of the other David understandably wanted to find similarities between the two. And she did. Often. As a fifty year-old man, my dad would talk about how much he HATED being compared to the other David all of his life. How he just wanted to be his own person. (He went as far as to try to go by his full name…..James D., trying to drop the David all together. It didn’t work. Lol)
Your readers are so emotionally invested in your family. It’s impossible to miss the resemblances and not find them sweet. People have nothing but the best intentions. But I have thought several times that I wish James could just be……James. All James. He deserves that.
Mary Brock says:
My daughter looks just like her dad, I mean just like him! After 6 years of being told my child looked nothing like me, I finally had a son, and he is my twin!! It is so cool to see yourself in your child. Im glad you and mike both have gotten to experience that! Any way we could get a post with pics of all 3 of your kids around the same age? James is the perfect combination of both sisters!
Adrianne says:
Yep, he’s your little mini-me! After 3+ years of hearing how much Annie looks like Mike, I’m sure it’s nice to occasionally hear about James’ likeness to you:) But he is his own little person first, and personally the one I think he most resembles is….James! He’s adorable.
Meghan says:
He has your eyes and lips and that Spohr head you always talk about;) I love his eyes, beautiful just like his mom and eldest sister!
Jessica says:
As a former teacher, I would really like to urge some people to reread here…
Beautiful post, Heather.
Rissa says:
Indeed. As a current teacher I am already mentally restructuring my September lesson plans to include lots of “read between the lines” minilessons–clearly, one can never begin teaching that skill too early.
(I agree, though; beautiful post)
Kerry says:
With all due respect (and as a teacher myself), being able to infer what Heather really means in this post requires readers to have some background knowledge about the situation. Some readers might not have time to read the comments for every post, and might not realize James is being compared to Maddie so often. Let’s not be snooty to those who didn’t quite get it.
Maris says:
Such a cutie!
Kate says:
I’m glad to see you address this, and in a way that reminds me again why I read your blog. Super thoughtful and compassionate, and honest. James is precious, as are all of your children, in their own ways.
Ciji says:
I think what some are missing here, is that both Annie and James are their own unique people. They both have their own traits that resemble other family members. However, the family doesn’t want to have that shadow of Maddie looming over the other two children. James doesn’t need to feel he is a replacement or has to live up to what his sister should have been. Annie shouldn’t feel jealous that she doesn’t have her sister’s blue eyes. James may grow up and his looks could change and he doesn’t need to feel disappointed that he doesn’t look like Maddie if that happens. I think they are politely asking us to stop comparing him to his big sister so he isn’t raised with a complex.
Jessica says:
None of my kids look like me, love that you can see yourself in James.
mp says:
My son looks like me too! I love it. And I think he likes it too, as the dark hair and olive skin seem to be quite popular with the girls. He’s also appreciative of the straight hair. I think most guys do not like curls! (Luckily my daughter has her father’s curls.) At some point, you’ll be staring into the face of a stubborn three year old and you’ll gasp to yourself, saying “Ohmygod, I’m looking at myself.” It can be strange as well as sweet. Looking forward to seeing more of the cutie James…
Kate says:
I oftentimes wonder about how my sister felt growing up; we look similar enough that, in our youth, strangers assumed we were fraternal twins and every teacher she ever had knew she was Kate’s sister by virtue of the fact that we looked so similar. I know she at least hated the similarity by the time she got to high school (especially since, as students, we were very different!) and I wonder how it effected her ability to make her own first impressions. Of course, now, we look different enough that people know we’re sisters but don’t think we’re necessarily the same person–although they do think that she’s older than me, which is funny! (I’m 3 years older.)
I think the fact that he resembles you might be easier than if it were, as you so eloquently put it, “larger-than-life Annabel’s” doppleganger, because at least you won’t be attending school before him and running into the “same teachers, no chance for a first impression” disease. I look a lot like my dad–so much that just this weekend my grandmother glanced too quickly at a photograph where just faces showed and thought he was me!–and aside from occasionally being awkward (see: my grandmother) it’s never really cramped my style. But my dad and I also have pretty much the same personality, so I think it bugs less because we’re so alike? Whereas I think were we not–if we were as different as, say, my sister and I–it might’ve been a different story.
And now this comment is stupid-long so I will say: he is a cutie, and I love seeing people’s old baby pictures, so this post was a delight on several levels.
Stephanie says:
One thing is for certain. Every one of your children is unique, and every one of your children is beautiful.
Mommy says:
He is just stunning and breathtaking. I never really thought about how saying he looked like other members of your family might be a little bit bitter sweet, so I apologize for that. He looks like James. A perfect little James. Hugs and love to you all!!
Heather says:
Don’t worry – we (Mike and I) don’t mind it. But we want to make sure that he doesn’t feel burdened by the similarities!
Mommy says:
Of course. That’s a lot for a little guy. He shouldn’t feel like he is living in anyone’s shadow and instead can just be his perfect little self. You make the most beautiful children and your readers really appreciate you sharing your journey with us. Love to you all. Also, I love his little eyebrows. So expressive already!!
Trisha says:
I see both you and Mike in all of your children. Each of them unique and beautifully expressive!
Stephanie says:
He is so cute!
Expat Mom says:
Babies change so much, I bet he will look more like Annie when they’re both older. And then she’ll find it annoying, ha! My two oldest boys looked very, VERY different early on and now they look like siblings (people thought they had different fathers when they were small, that’s how different they were!). The third is the perfect mix of everyone and very much his own person.
James will forge his own way. He’s a sweet, adorable little guy and I bet he will prove very quickly that he’s his very own person, if he hasn’t already.
SJ says:
Maybe I’m dense, but the point that I’m missing is that it’s hurtful to hear that James looks like Maddie? Surprised, I remember Heather really liking when people said Annie looked like Maddie (even though I never really saw that, but do with James).
Sorry, reading at work and just missing a nuance I guess. Maybe spell it out if you’re not into seeing Maddie comparisons to James so often.
Madi says:
@SJ
Yeah, I saw those comments too. (Struck me as a bit unnecessary on remarks that were intended as compliments on a nice, non-controversial post. No need to make people feel bad, esp when it’s a kind intention! But whatever!)
Heather basically said that she didn’t want resemblances to make James feel like he had to live up to some standard; better to be his own person. Plus, there’s the matter of being told you look like someone who’s another gender.
So saying that James looks like Maddie is being perceived by some as contrary to what Heather said that she wants for James.
So yeah, that’s the story as I understand it.
Personally, I don’t see the resemblance at all. I can’t get past the differences. But they’re all adorable, so. *shrug*
Madi
Stephanie says:
I don’t think that was the exact point Heather was trying to make. I think she’s thinking of Future James, growing up and not only being compared to Annabel’s big personality, but also how much he (may or may not) look like Maddie. Plus, people swooning over how much James looks like Maddie, may hurt Annabel’s feelings.
I don’t know Heather and Mikes exact thoughts, but after reading this, I assume it would be better for their family for us to keep our comparisons to ourselves.
Heather says:
No. It’s not hurtful at all. We just want to make sure James does not feel compared or burdened by any similarities, so we (his parents) are being careful to make sure he never feels that way.
clara says:
All 3 of my boys look just like me- and obviously- just like each other. For now (3,6,8) they don’t mind, but I wonder what the future will hold. My middle boy says everyone in school comes up to him and says you MUST be J’s brother- you look just like him- at some point they might bug him, for now he thinks it is cool. I look just like my Dad, but with my Mom’s red hair/ fair coloring so people always said I looked like my Mom, though my face is basically a female version of my Dad. Genetics man, strange stuff….
Madi says:
Oh my heck is he just adorable! Those eyes (does it look like they’re going to stay blue? Or have they started to change?) are just intensely piercing! And I love the strawberry blonde hair and eyebrows. It would be so adorable if he keeps that color hair! So unusual.
I actually don’t see the resemblance at all! But that’s nothing new — I almost never see resemblances, unless they’re really strong. I have an especially difficult time with boy-girl resemblances too. In-person, even more difficult because the personalities impact my perception too. I just never see it. I get hung up on the differences (in this case, head shape, eyes, nose, cheeks, chin). But that doesn’t make you two any less adorable!
In any event, I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding his own identity. I can tell from the photos that he already has quite a personality!
I think every parent gets that “oh he/she looks just like you.” My sister gets that all the time and her child is adopted! So no, they don’t look alike. At all. Not even the same race. I think people just say it and/or see what they want to see.
Madi G
Susan says:
Probably not a popular view, but I’ve actually not been fond at all when people feel the need to see or put a great deal of weight on the child looking like any relative. I mean, mentioning similarities is fine, now and then, but when I hear grown adults getting upset or depressed about a child not looking like whomever they wish they looked like…it’s just too irrational for me to understand. It’s pure chance; some kids will strongly resemble a relative, some will be a complete blend of everybody, or something in between. There’s no controlling it, and it doesn’t change who that person will grow up to be. I don’t care if any of my kids ever look like me, just like my mom didn’t care if any of her kids looked anything like her. You love them regardless. It bothers me when people say things like, ‘i could never adopt a kid, i’d want them to have (so-and-so’s) features, not a strangers’. It’s good to recognize what someone values before they make a big decision like this, but I personally feel that’s putting far too much emphasis on something that will be, in reality, so meaningless to the adult they’ll be one day. The child might feel some pressure for resembling or NOT resembling someone, and that’s just needless worrying. Our behavior and attitude is what really matters in the end, and that’s something parents can influence. Let them be their own person and raise them the best one can.
Sorry for the rant, I just never understand the strong emotions surrounding resemblances, at all.
Madi says:
YES! Said perfectly!
I have a really difficult time seeing resemblances. They need to look VERY similar for me to see it (like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and their older sister — I see that resemblance.)
I tend to notice and focus on the differences rather than similarities. And I’ve actually had people get offended when I say I don’t see it.
I don’t get it. At all. It think it’s narcissism, to be honest — wanting your kids to look like you.
Personally, I *don’t* want my child to look like me! I have dark, dark eyes and dark complexion. I think dark eyes are very unattractive, esp. in children. They look beady, IMO. So I’d prefer he/she will get my husband’s light green eyes and blonde hair. But really, who cares? There’s nothing I can do to control appearance and I’ll love my child no matter how he/she looks, even with dark beady eyes. So whatever, right?!? LOL
Madi
Casey says:
I guess I’m with the unpopular crowd too. I don’t quite see the resemblance. Each is unique and beautiful. After reading all of the comments I had to go back and re-read the post because I totally did NOT catch that Heather was inferring that she didn’t want to hear comparisons about Maddie/James. As another commented above, I too remember Heather being just tickled when people have commented how much Annie looked like Maddie. I really don’t see it, but I think a lot of people look at their kids and want to see a family resemblance that others don’t all pick up on. Pretty sure I’ve done it with my own kids!
Heather says:
It’s not that we don’t want to hear the comparisons. We just want to make sure James does not feel compared or burdened by any similarities, so we (his parents) are being careful to make sure he never feels that way.
alyinponderland says:
He is too cute! All your children are beautiful, in their own distinctive ways.
Becky says:
My brother takes after my mom in the looks department, and he ATE IT UP as a kid. It totally enabled him to pull the momma’s boy card. Moms aren’t like regular girls with their cooties or whatever. Moms are magic and awesome.
(They’d both tease me together about how I had to be a daddy’s girl because I looked like him, and, uh, it may have devastated me more than I’d like to admit. Mom was definitely the cool parent growing up. So I think it’s great that you’re being sensitive about Annie’s feelings in this regard.)
Annalisa says:
I like that. It was certainly true for my brother. I was about 60/40 mom/dad in the resembling parents department (my mom muses mock jealously that I got everyone’s best features), whereas my brother is probably 80/20. He always loved it… until I pointed out that boys get male pattern baldness from their mom’s side of the family, and he pictured what my mom’s dad’s hair looked like in photographs. I admit, that miiiight have been a little mean.
Annie says:
He is adorable and has the BEST expressions! So expressive and I love that you capture all that on camera so well.
Kari Weber says:
I am 0 for 2… NEITHER of my boys look anything like me! I have brown hair and eyes, tannable skin. I gave birth to a blue-eyed red head, and blue-eyed blond. Both with pale creamy skin! I am often asked if I am the aunt. Sigh. Ironically, my BROTHER is a pale skinned, blue-eyed, blond! So there is family resemblance. Just not to me!
Kayla says:
This is where I’m at in my family. I have my mom’s coloring and height but feature-wise look like my aunt right down to the shape of my feet and toes. I often get called her name by family members because I look so much like her.
Jennifer says:
I haven’t stopped by in a long time but I just wanted to say how lovely this post is. And James is gorgeous. Just the way he is.
Jennyroo says:
I have to say this post surprised me. I would have (incorrectly) assumed that it would be pleasing to Heather and Mike to hear that James looks like Maddie because it means that Maddie is being remembered. And they choose to remember Maddie in a very public way, each and every day, with this blog, so I think that most people would feel very comfortable making the comparison between James and Maddie and not have any sense that they were being hurtful in the process.
I have friends who lost a four year old to cancer, and they have always said that what they long for is people to say their daughter’s name and to remember her as a person. They don’t her forgotten and they don’t want people to feel afraid to talk about her for fear of upsetting them. I have told them many times how much their youngest reminds me of their older daughter and I never had any sense that this was an inappropriate comment to make. I will rethink that in the future.
This is why Heather and Mike are doing the right thing here, which is letting us know specifically what is helpful to them in their grief process, and what they do not appreciate. There is no way that we can truly understand what they are going through if we have not been called to walk the same path. So now they have said it: please don’t compare James to Maddie as this is not what we want to hear. And so we shall comply.
And I hope that Heather and Mike will have some patience for those of us who are trying our best to be kind but can’t necessarily anticipate which comments about their lovely babies are welcomed and which are not. We are learning on this journey.
Peace, love, and light.
Amanda says:
This is the best response of the day. Thank you for verbalizing what I was feeling.
Heather – this is a very caring way to let us know how to support you and Mike.
Heather says:
Like I said in the post, we think the resemblance is wonderful. It’s not hurtful to us at all. However, we want to make sure James does not feel compared or burdened by any similarities, so we (his parents) are being careful to make sure he never feels that way.
Jennyroo says:
I think being compared to siblings (living or deceased) is one of the necessary evils of having siblings…. and if your child doesn’t have siblings, there will be comparisons at the play group. Who has blue eyes like his mama, more hair than his brother, says his first word or takes his first steps at what age, etc. It is our job as parents to try to make our children feel appreciated and unique in their own right. We all agree on that.
I have also heard that, interestingly enough, when we try to praise our children for their unique attributes (such as: #1, you are so good at math. And #2, I am so pleased that you enjoy playing baseball) what they hear is: #1 you aren’t good at baseball, and #2 you aren’t good at math.
Sigh, psychology is what it is for a reason. We all just do our best. Period. Thanks for the nice replies.
Annalisa says:
Yes, that’s true, but I get the sense that every time a new photo of James surfaces on this site, there’s 30-50 people commenting how much James looks like Maddie (personally, I’ve always seen the James/Heather resemblance a lot more).
I can’t speak for Heather, only she knows how she truly feels, but I would take continued comments in that vein (some commenters pretty much comment on it. Every. Single. Time.) in one of two ways:
(a) “Fine, we get it. We know. Can we move on, though?”
(b) “It must be so easy for other people to feel like everything is now nice and neat, now that I have a child that looks like his much beloved and missed sister. Except it’s not. It somehow cheapens my loss.”
To Heather’s credit, I’d guess her reaction is more in the vein of (a). It’s very generous of her. Sometimes I look at all those comments, and wonder if some people aren’t really thinking in the vein of (b) when they leave those comments, not because they mean anything hurtful, but because they subconsciously like the neat ending of “But Maddie’s memory lives in the looks of James”. People, in general, always fabricate narratives with happy endings like this, to feel better about the whole thing. Except it cheapens the whole journey of parenthood that the parent him/herself experienced, having others tie it into a neat bow.
Again, not the meaning or thought that Heather had, but also something to consider.
Meg says:
James is adorable. Tell Annie not to worry — my brother and I don’t have the same features (skin, hair, eyes, ears, anything!) but put us together and there’s no doubt we are siblings.
Meg says:
Heather & Mike,
I just realized my comment might have come off as flippant and I certainly did not want that tone. I wanted to give y’all a real-world example for Annie to know that, regardless of similar or different features, I’m sure she will be easily identified as James’s sister. My brother tans and I am the classic Irish lobster with freckles and yet there is no doubt of our blood/genetic relationship.
Heather says:
You didn’t come off as flip at all! I really appreciated your comment! xo
cindy w says:
You and Mike make beautiful babies. Period.
christian says:
Don’t worry hun I see a lot of Mike in him too!
Skye says:
Heather and Mike: I loved the post where you guys shared photos of all 3 of your babies and wrote about their similarities but also how they are each their own awesome little person. That’s so true, and it’s obvious that you guys are nurturing Annie and James so they can continue to be their own unique selves.
What I took from this post was that constantly hearing comparisons between James and Maddie is a little bittersweet and they are worried about it affecting both James and Annie, so in real life they are not going to focus on it. I don’t think they’re asking people to never comment again on the similarities, just to be thoughtful about it. That’s just how I read it.
For what it’s worth, I think James looks a lot like Annie in that last photo!
Heather says:
You are exactly right!
We don’t want either child to feel burdened or sad over similarities (or lack thereof), so we (their parents) are not going to make a big deal about them. Of COURSE we like seeing the resemblances our children share, but since the circumstances are a bit different than a typical sibling relationship, we are being careful to not dwell on what’s similar and instead focus on what makes each of them unique.
Lauren says:
I think James looks like James, and that’s awesome and adorable.
Leigh Anne says:
I have the same issue. I lost a son (Micah) and my third son (Nick) looks extremely similar to his older brother. At first it really bothered me because I never wanted Nick to live in a shadow or be burdened with the similarities. It has been eight years since Micah left. It is often a comfort to me to see the similarities in his looks and personality. For Nick, he loves hearing stories about his older brother and how they are alike. It gives him a connection to someone that he cannot remember because he was so young when his brother left. One thing we do try to stress is that they DO look alike because they are brothers and they have the same parents. Micah was Micah and Nick is Nick. They are/were uniquely them and share a very special resemblance.
Jeanie says:
I can’t believe I haven’t noticed before how much James looks like you. And I know why. I was too busy trying to judge if he looked like Maddie or Annie. It’s amazing how much your baby pictures look alike. You could be twins except for, you know, the age part. Regardless, he’s a cutie pie.
Katie says:
For what it’s worth, you can tell Annie that I was actually thinking that James looks A LOT like her. You know, two birds, one stone.
one mama to another says:
They are all 3 adorable and they all share the same history. I understand not wanting one child to overshadow another. Just praise them for their strengths, and uniqueness and never let them forget how proud you are of ALL of them, and you are all good!
Molly says:
My girls looked nothing alike as newborns and then a few months ago I was looking at them, now almost 3 and 6, and thinking, you know, they DO look a lot alike (identical hair, skin, and eye color), at least to other people. As their mama, I don’t see it so clearly but when I’ve mentioned it to other people I just get a big DUH. Who knew? I guess I just see them as their own little people.
viviana says:
Heather, this post is exactly why I keep coming to your blog even though I don’t have kids neither plan on having them. Your honesty and consideration with all your children amazes me. You’re a class act, lady. I wish your family the very best this life can bring you.
Sarah says:
Lovely post. You’re a fantastic mama.
Vicky says:
With all due respect, I think the meaning of this post was a little too vague for some and it made others feel like they had to correct the ones that didn’t get it.
Annalisa says:
Too vague? I think the message is pretty much spelled out in the last section of her post. If she made it more obvious, it would be as blunt as a sledgehammer.
Vicky says:
Try to relax Annalisa. My point is that apparently a LOT of people didn’t get it – that is evident by the comments.
ryan says:
Well put Vicky. Annalisa relax. I feel like half of the people here get there kicks off of calling other people out. If your point was trying to make someone else look stupid you failed. You just made yourself look angry.
ryan says:
*their. It’s a sensitive subject that we all need to take note of and follow what Mike & Heather say. This back and forth between folks will only make them not want to share as much as they do and we don’t want that.
twingles says:
He’s adorable. I see resemblances (why does that not look like a word?) to everyone in your family…depending on the picture you post that day. He will grow and change, as babies are wont to do and people will stop commenting so much.
I never ever read comments on blog posts and am not sure what drove me to do it today but I think everyone needs to relax a little. Seriously.
Rachel says:
If Annie gets disappointed that James doesn’t look exactly like her – I think it’s not too early to talk genes (I would with my son, who is just a few months older). How both she and James and Maddie got “genes” (features) from both you and Mike. But the three of them didn’t pick exactly the same genes – they each created their own little person. And maybe highlight features of her personality that are exactly like yours. Don’t worry too much about James – while you and Mike will always see some traits of Maddie’s, the comparisons made by others will likely stop before he is aware of them, as he gets older (fortunately or unfortunately). But yeah – as a mother it’s a lot of fun when a kid looks a lot like you (my younger son looks exactly the way I did as a toddler!). But my inlaws think my two sons look exactly alike (hmm – I can only see a resemblance). Hugs to you! I can understand why you are a bit torn.
Andrea says:
It’s always fun to see who a newborn resembles, who lays claim to be the one that the baby most looks like. It’s sweet really, to know that family members all search our little one’s face to find a connection to the future. Sweet baby James is a perfect combination of you, Mike, Maddie, and Annie, just as it should be!
Jacky says:
Oops, I am one of the ones who keeps mentioning the resemblance. I really was thinking how sweet the resemblance is and also how good it was that Annie looked so different because it might have just so painful had she looked so much like Heather/Maddie when she came. Not that the pain has gone away or that the fact of who James looks like marginalizes the loss of Maddie at all. But just that more time has passed may have made this resemblance, more, sweet? bearable? I thought it was comforting mentioning Maddie. I didn’t realize or see the other aspects. I am sorry. It was just so sweet to see. But enough said. Maddie looked like Heather, James looks like Heather!! And who knows who they will look like as they grow!!! Anyway, thanks for letting us know how you feel.
Jacky
Heather says:
We don’t mind it when people point out the resemblance. We love that they look alike! We (Mike and I) just don’t want James and Annabel to think it has some OMG IMPORTANCE because we don’t want either of them to feel sad or burdened by who they do (or do not) look like. Hope that makes sense!
Jacky says:
That does make sense! And if you are here reading, I would still love to crochet a table runner for you! Just need measurements and colors!! (Really just length, I think you said 10 foot table, and what colors you would want……) No charge, of course. It would be my pleasure…..
Nia says:
I get it. Obviously, Annie is like a clone of Mike (with long, beautiful locks!) and James seems to be a great mixture of both parents. Moreso of Heather, which could explain why people are seeing Maddie so much. But really, think about it…Annie has had a STRONG love for her older sister, whom she’s never even met, since she was really young. Think of how sad that will make her to hear that James looks like her sister, whom she adores, and she doesn’t Then think of how James will feel to know that the way he looks makes his older sister feel sad. While it seems to be human nature to look for and point out resemblances (I’ve even seen people do it with a litter of puppies!!), it’s different when it’s your own children. Especially in the situation that this family is in. I can’t lie…I don’t visit this blog everyday, but pop on occasionally to see their pictures. This morning, the first thing I saw was James’ adorable video. The first thing I said to myself was “OMG, he looks so much like Maddie.” Then I put myself in Heather’s shoes. That MUST hurt. I mean it’s like looking at her smile, but then it’s not actually HER smile. It’s HIS! He deserves for it to be HIS smile. It’s hard. So to have a huge blog community like she does and to read all the time the fact that James does resemble Maddie gets frustrating. My oldest is adopted and 5 yrs later, I gave birth to a biological baby. Everyday I live with the guilt of them being compared. Of course the baby looks exactly like his Filipino relatives. My oldest does not, b/c he doesn’t have Filipino genes. In public, people always stop us to say how adorable the baby is. My oldest is always so pleasant and says “That’s my baby brother!” But it still gets under my skin b/c people are (unintentionally) leaving my big boy out. And I do realize it is unintentional, but it still is difficult to deal with daily. So I do get it. I will say this…I missed the main idea of this post at first. I know Heather is so funny and likes to kid, so I thought this was just “Ha ha, I bet you thought I was gonna say Maddie!”. I admit that I missed the last paragraph and I did have to go back to re read it. It’s sad that some of the readers felt the need to be harsh to those that may have missed the point (and didn’t read the comments first before replying). Thankfully, Heather is great at giving her readers the benefit of doubt and was super nice in all of her replies. Much love to you guys!!!
Blue says:
Love to your sweet oldest!
James and Annie will both have to grow up without knowing their older sister, who their parents loved deeply – that alone will hurt. There’s no way around it. There’s joy too, in the pictures and stories and in e parents Heather and Mike became, but it is a hurt that will go on.
There’s potential for James to hurt for constantly being compared to his sister..
There’s potential for Maddie to hurt for resembling this sister less than her brother..
Care must be taken, that’s all. They are all three beautiful children and unique in their own ways each, taking after their parents in their own ways. But Maddie isn’t here, now, so care must be taken.
Melanie says:
I don’t know but I think it’s amazing how God can work out our genes and have kids take after their parents looks. Ever noticed Michael and Kirk Douglas? What about Jane and Henry Fonda? or Miguel and Jose Ferrer.