There are some irrefutable truths in life: The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, a moth is attracted to light, and if there is an excessively drunk person on a plane, s/he will be seated next to me. You may recall the case of Drunk Billy Bush. Or the very “tired” man. Or the time Mike and I were seated separately and the nice guy next to Mike switched seats with me…and was promptly barfed on by the college guy that was next to my former seat. I mention this because I just got back from a quick 36-hour trip to Chicago, and while my return flight was uneventful, my outbound flight was full of drunk crazy.

I knew things were headed south when my flight was suddenly delayed right before boarding. As I watched the entirety of my gate empty into the restaurant/bar to kill time, I realized the potential for sloppiness on my plane was 100%.

After we were permitted to board 90 minutes later, I started to think my luck was turning. No one was in the seat next to me, and the flight was almost full. But then. Then the guy who had been loudly buying shots in the bar cruised onto the plane. He plopped down in the seat next to mine, turned in my direction, and wheezed, “We’re not makin’ it to Chicago!” I was like…60% convinced that he was referring to the weather, but I still said, “Haha…should I alert an air marshall?” He laughed but you know…if you see something, say something. #ThanksObama

The second Drunky was able to, he started ordering drinks. And not like, complimentary Diet Coke, but 375mL half-bottles of wine. After a couple of those, he moved on to beer. Then airplane bottles. I was half-horrified, half-impressed until he turned his entire body to face me.

Drunky: HEY! Are you from Chicago? Because you really look like you were born and raised in Chicago.

Me: No, I’m from Los Angeles.

Drunky: NO. That’s where our plane is from. YOU are from CHICAGO. That’s a compliment!

Me: …go Cubs!

I put on my earbuds, but he didn’t care. He just kept talking away, ignoring the sanctity of the headphones! At one point I was IMing with my friends (yay airplane wifi!) and one of them suggested I just get drunk with him. But here’s the thing…besides the fact that I do my best to not be cripplingly hungover (which happens after 1.5 glasses of wine/beer, lightweight), when I start to feel concern for another person’s drunkenness my body goes into alcohol-metabolizing overdrive. I literally cannot get drunk when I’m worried about a drunk’s well-being. It’s what made me an excellent Sober Patroller back in college, and what makes me a Total Mom now.

Although, I did order a tiny bottle of Bailey’s (You can take the girl out of the sorority…), but that was mostly so I could pretend I was a giant.

giant

At another point he turned to me and said, “HEY! Did you know all of these drinks are free?” (They weren’t.)

Still, even though I was confident Drunky didn’t even know his own address, I was happy/stunned he hadn’t thrown up. He’d had a lot to drink. And no sooner had I IM’d that very thought to Mike when Drunky grabbed his barf bag and I died inside. Diiiiied. The was no airplane bag big enough to contain what he put into his body…ask me how I know.

In conclusion, I’m so glad to be home, and I’m never flying again.