Annabel has a lot of confidence. She loves her hair and likes to brush it herself (so it will “get so long and so beautiful.”) When she looks at her reflection, she’ll pull her shirt up and say, “I love my tummy!” She’s been known to start dancing and shout out, “Look at my cute butt!”
Mike and I are always quick to tell her she’s more than just her looks. She’s smart, creative, funny. But yet, she’s shushed if she talks about herself, if she laughs too loudly at her own jokes, or lingers too long in front of her reflection. We tell her to tone it down because kids with her confidence are labeled vain, spoiled, precocious.
The ironic thing is that there’s a huge crisis of confidence in teens and grown women. Most females can name ten things they don’t like about themselves in one breath. We can’t accept compliments. The flaws in our reflections are all we can see. We spend thousands on self-help books, start confidence movements, and use hashtags in an attempt to recapture the confidence little kids come by naturally.
We want our kids to have high self-esteem, but then when they do, we only encourage them to whisper. To be confident is to be a target. Love yourself…quietly. Love yourself…but not too much.
I do not want this for my daughter. I don’t want her to struggle with self-esteem issues, or to know what the word “diet” means before she’s seven. I want her to walk confidently and think all of her ideas should be explored. She doesn’t think she’s better than anyone else, she just puts value in herself. Isn’t that what all the articles say to do, to value ourselves? I worry that when I tell Annie to restrain her confidence, she’s hearing “value yourself less.” So I’m never going to do that again.
I never want her to stop loving herself.
Sheila says:
I struggle with this all.the.time with my kids. And when someone pays them a compliment to me about them (i.e she is really good at singing) I find myself deflecting it or downplaying it which is the same thing I do when someone compliments me! Instead of saying “thank you! Or “I know isn’t she?” And in the next breath i say “be more assertive!” talk about mixed messages! thanks for the reminder that i need to eork on this!
Ela says:
Thanks for this beautiful text heather!
Georgine Olson says:
I think it is great that Annie likes what she sees when she looks in the mirror. As the grandmother of two little princesses, I make sure I tell them something positive about how they look everyday.
Sue says:
I love it that she loves herself so much!
defendUSA says:
That is a tough one. All of my kids seem to have good sense of self, but not necessarily the same self-esteem or the ability to love themselves. I believe this changes in the teen years because of what they see, and they begin to notice what others have and don’t. Not sure. Hopefully, Annie will always love herself!
Eileen says:
I had issues like this when my daughter was younger. She would go out in some of the craziest outfits (I wanted to send the teachers a note to make sure they knew that she actually had clothes that matched!). I really wanted to tell her to wear something different on a lot of days but I held back so that she would not think that she had to look a certain way to please other people. It has paid off in the long run as she does her own thing and isn’t as influenced by others, very important now that she is 16!
Tracey says:
My daughter was the same way! Some days I would just cringe at her outfits but always held my tongue.
She is now 13, smart, beautiful, and confident!
Tania says:
My now 11 year old did the same thing when she was younger and I was always redressing her to matching outfits, because well….because “Mumma” wanted it to be perfect, then one day at about the age of 8ish, she got dressed one morning in leopard print, stripped tights and a butterfly shirt, came out of her room and said Mumma don’t I look gorgeous? That was the day I stopped trying to make her look perfect in matched outfits…it hit me, she wasn’t trying to defy me or make me look bad if she didn’t match, she truly believed she was gorgeous!! So know I let her run with it…well 90% run with it….LOL….and the day she came home and said “mumma I am weird” my reaction in my head was your not weird, before I could utter the words, she looked at me again and said “mumma I love being weird”…..again I realized she loves herself and who am I to judge….LOL…..and I have to say other then pre teen meltdowns she is one hell of a kid with her own mind….opinions….and fashion sense…….
Meg says:
I had a lot of confidence as a kid, too, and my parents never put a damper on that. But like you (and rightfully!), they always tried to emphasize that we are not our looks — and so many other attributes are more important than gorgeous hair or a trim figure. Still, I see how tough that balancing act can be… wanting your child to be confident without seeming “spoiled.” But Annie is awesome, and I’m sure that with your encouragement, she will grow up to be one awesome lady!
Debbie A-H says:
Good for you. I know that one of the things I always try to do when I see little girls, is maybe comment on their looks but also comment on their personality/verbal ability/creativity/smarts. Girls get many messages about beauty/looks, but they don’t get so many about their many other attributes.
I want the little girls I know to understand that they are so many wonderful things! When my niece was 4 and I hadn’t seen her in a few months, she ran up to me and said, “Aunt Debbie, Aunt Debbie! I’m 4, and I can do lots of things!” That confidence was encouraged and celebrated, and she is now a pharmacist and one of the best people I know.
You are a good and thoughtful mom, Heather.
Molly says:
There is a great new book out about this called Redefining Girly. The author, Melissa Wardy, talks about girls right to “take up space” and have agency over their own bodies starting at early ages (picking out their own clothes etc). It’s a very easy practical non-judgmental read (I read it on two plane rides!) that addresses a lot of these things. If a book is too tiring right now she also has a very active Facebook page, Pigtail Pals and Ballcap Buddies. Interesting stuff!
Heather says:
I’m going to look up the book AND the Facebook page. Thank you, Molly!
Susan says:
“She doesn’t think she’s better than anyone else, she just puts value in herself.”
THAT, in my mind, is as close to a perfect outlook as anyone can have. I love how you wrote this, because it sounds like you’ve identified the right balance between appreciating ourselves and still being aware of the value of others. As long as she has this perspective, I think she’ll be fine; I wish more people did (people tend to overdo self-valuing, mistaking it for confidence, or self-deprecation, mistaking it for modesty).
Auntie_M says:
^^^^ Yes!!!!! This!!!!!Perfectly said!!!! ^^^^
Bee says:
The difference is between confidence and conceit. Confidence is wonderful, and home with loved ones is the perfect place for young children to practice it. You can agree with her while also noting other people are fantastic as well, in many different ways. She is cute, but not “cuter than you” to someone else.
Heather says:
Totally, and she already gets that!
Sarah says:
I learned this lesson the hard way, with two girls ten years apart in age. When my older daughter was little, people would stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful she was. I was totally ok with that, lol, but I also wanted her to know she was smart, funny, creative and strong. I rarely told her how pretty I thought she was, because she was getting that information from the rest of the world, and I wanted her to see all of her other traits too. I didn’t realize how my not mentioning her looks was basically making her wonder what I thought about how she looked. Not my goal at all… I realized that not actively supporting something can frequently come off as discouragement. I was also falling in the trap of discouraging her own love affair with herself so people wouldn’t think she was “spoiled”. Holy cow, they’re not cartons of milk, they’re little girls!!
When my youngest was born, so many things became more clear to me, what matters, what really doesn’t – like the opinions of people who don’t know and love my children. I’m forever telling them both how smart, strong, kind, funny and, yes, BEAUTIFUL they both are. Like you can ever hear too many good things about yourself from the people you love, and who love you.
Annie’s exuberance and confidence shine through everything she does, and it’s precious evidence of just how loved she feels.
Cyndy says:
I have two daughters, 18 and 13, and they are both very confident. They are also both slightly overweight, but they still KNOW that they are beautiful and awesome. They also know they’re smart and kind and funny, etc. I’ve always complimented the good things about them and it has worked. I had very low self-esteem at their ages and I am thrilled with how different my daughters are; recently a friend who knew me as a teenager was brought to tears by how wonderfully different and confident my daughters are.
SOOO….unless she is utterly obnoxious, I say let her love herself TONS. What you don’t want is her saying/thinking “I am better than This Person or prettier than That Person” but as long as it’s all about her…I think it’s fine.
Heather says:
Your daughters sound exactly like I hope Annie will be!
I definitely make sure she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone else, although whenever I talk to her about that she looks at me like I have two heads, like, “Of COURSE I’m not, Mommy!” Her preschool teachers were VERY good with this lesson and she definitely took it to heart!
steph says:
I hear ya. I was raised to downplay, doubt and second guess every compliment I received, as it was bad to be conceited. So, I ended up with no confidence, in bad relationships, and with an eating disorder. I don’t want that for my son and try to praise him as often as possible. I don’t want him to be a snot bucket, but I hope he grows up to love and appreciate how special he is. Thanks for sharing.
Leslie says:
I always encourage my 6 year old to have confidence…it’s so awesome. The other day some girls at the park said she wasn’t as pretty as they were…and she didn’t say anything, but when we talked about it after it hadn’t even occurred to her to believe it because she KNOWS she is beautiful, to her it was ridiculous! Don’t get me started on how this is happening….that’s another story!
Christina says:
Growing up, my mom was the daughter of a German war bride, and her childhood was rough, and in turn while I think she tried with us, we were those kids whom were not allowed to get dirty, had to dress prissy, our ‘play’ clothes were dresses, etc…. and we lacked self esteem, we were in counseling at age 7, she blamed it on her divorce. as we grew older, I put on weight, and instead of embracing my curves, I was forever told by her, you know if you only would lose XXX pounds you would be so BEAUTIFUL!!!! I married, had kids, had Gastric Bypass, I was nearly 400 lbs when it happened, and when I got down to 120 lbs and I looked sickly, normally it would be healthy but it was to much to fast, and looked awful, she told me I was beautiful, my husband looked at me looked at her and was livid, and told her, YOU need a clue woman! she is sitting here in a hospital, hooked up to a machine, getting iron shots because her body isnt producing it, losing her hair, dark circles under her eyes, looks awful, and because she is ‘thin’ she is finally good enough to be called beautiful in your eyes????? she walked out of the room, he looked at me and said big or small, one thing about me has never changed and that was my heart and willingness to help people.
As a parent I make sure before my kids go to sleep at night I tell them 5 things about them that make me proud, it could be they cleaned their room with out being told (Teenaged boys, very rare), doing homework, what ever….. they know they are loved, I love you’s and hugs flow freely in our house, as do compliments,
Annie is a smart young lady, she is at that age where she is on the cusp of if you stimie her confidence she could become me, doubtful, let her sing her songs, she may have the next top 40 brewing in there, Beyonce started somewhere in front of the mirror too. lol Annie has so much confidence if I had a quarter of it, I would have been a better realtor lol, You and Mike keep Her Grounded but also let her soar, which is good, it allows her to use her imagination and dream. Your awesome parents, you got this!!!
Sarah M. says:
My daughter is 6 and very much like Annie and I’m also an upper elementary teacher. I love that you are encouraging her self confidence and self esteem on the things that matter to her. It doesn’t matter that we, as adults, think they are trivial or vain because she is learning that it is okay to have self pride and love. Those seemingly trivial thoughts will hopefully evolve as she experiences life.
One thing I’m trying to instill in my daughter is the confidence and esteem that comes from struggle and failure. I don’t mean life altering failure or struggle at 6, but learning to fight through her own little battles and decisions so that her self confidence and esteem is backed up with experiences. It’s hard though given I have one of those kids that seems to excel at everything. She’s academically brilliant, a confident extrovert, and a naturally talented athlete and musician. I want her to learn now that it is okay to not be the best or to have to work at something to succeed rather than her first experience at it be in a life altering situation.
One of my favorite resources is A Mighty Girl. We’ve worked our way through many of their book lists and is a great go to for gift ideas and parenting resources. http://www.amightygirl.com
Anna says:
I was a lot like Annie in that respect when I was little, and that has served me well through the years. Even as a teenager feeling fat around my skinny friends or the long, long, drought without a single date in my 20s, I knew I was beautiful. I was always confident in my abilities and persona. Yes, I wanted to better myself, but I never felt the need to change for another person. When I was about to meet my now-husband in person for the first time he said, “I’m worried that you aren’t going to like me as much as you think you will.” I replied, “You’re going to like me even more than you think you will.” We have laughed about that a lot over the years, but I was right! Go with your gut. You’re doing such a great job with your kids, and you can guide Annie and gently temper her wonderful personality without stifling it. (My mom also tells a story about people always telling me how pretty I was as a little girl, and at one point I replied, “I know.” Nobody needs that! Ha! I quickly learned to say thank you instead.)
Jane says:
I agree with someone above who said to let her have an overabundance of confidence. She’ll need some reserves when she gets into middle school, which is where girls tend to tank in self-esteem. I also think sports or dance are very important for girls so they view their bodies as strong and important and useful and not just…there.
brandeanne says:
Such an important topic & not just for girls, but for all kids. My son is 7 & hit 2 homeruns in his last baseball game. He then proceeded to tell everyone about the hits while they were still playing the game. He was so proud of himself & my instinct was to tell him, not to brag, not to to talk about it. I’ve decided my instincts are wrong & he’s allowed to be proud of himself, esp. when the hits had just happened! He was excited & he had every right to be.
Amy C says:
Heather, you are doing a great job. Right now when they are little confidence like this is fine. I think the ultimate goal with self confidence is to get it built up while you are young then when you are older you have those reserves within yourself, so you can be your own cheerleader and biggest supporter. So encouragement and love right now are the foundations for that. Plus you and Mike are setting such a good example for her in terms of your empathetic nature and what you do for others, especially NICU families that that will rub off on her. She’ll get it :). And yes, the middle school years are hard and are unpredictable too, you never know. All you can do is be there for her which you and Mike are! LOL! I am totally rambling here but wanted to send you a quick note about that.
Meg says:
We have a lot of these same conversations, and I feel like, why shouldn’t she be glad that she’s cute, or has “princess hair” or whatever. It’s not vanity, she’s just a little girl who is happy with herself. And in the long run, I’d rather she was vain than unhappy.
Auntie_M says:
Amen, sista! Confidence is a good thing…as you and others said, it’s that balance of being confident while not sounding conceited. I mean, I love it when my niece says, “I love me! I mean, who wouldn’t?!?” (I think I drilled that into her when she was so stressed about kids not liking her that she started to develop OCD–tendencies we haven’t seen in ages, thank goodness!) However, despite being pleaded that she got the concept of self-worth, now her mom and I look at each other, laugh, and secretly wonder if it’s now going to drive kids away…”You have to love me, because, seriously, who wouldn’t?!?”
Oye vet!
Casabeca says:
I love your parenting style and your wise commenters. My extra two cents…remind Annie that her body will keep changing all her life, even after she stops growing. I’m sure she sees the difference between how she looked as a baby as compared to now. Our bodies and faces are beautiful at every age, and it is very good to find something you are happy about when you look in the mirror, all our life long.
But character and kindness build up like a piggy bank full of goodness. And what you learn is like a treasure chest inside.
Shell says:
As someone who grew up with an unhealthy relationship with food and weight, I say that Annie is beautiful. My mother was constantly on my back, “You would be beautiful if you’d just lose X pounds!”. That is very harmful and lasted into my 20’s.
It took a literal nervous breakdown to tell the negative people in my life to shove off. If my husband weren’t actively losing weight (he’s lost 175 pounds so far!), I wouldn’t have a bath scale in the house. My self worth is not measured by a number on the scale, neither is my beauty measured by random strangers.
I’m 45 now. I lost the weight (in a healthy way) between 1997 and 1999. 220 lbs. to 120 lbs. I did it for ME, and it was very liberating.
Heather says:
You (and your husband) are amazing, Shell! xoxo
Birute Efe says:
Oh I can relate to this so much. I am happy I read this, I will try to approach this situation differently from now own with my daughter. I think I have all those insecurities as a women because I was raised not to be a confident and proud girl. Thank you again. Such a sweet post.