Our new house is about fifteen minutes away from my parents’ house – much closer than the 45 minute drive it used to be. This is great for all sorts of reasons, but it is especially great because it means my parents can help us out with child care when Mike and I need it (date night, woo hoo!). However. Now that my parents are going to be playing a MUCH more active role in Annie’s life (most likely an almost-daily influence instead of once a week), I’ve realized that the fun things they have let Annie get away with probably shouldn’t be allowed anymore.
Don’t get me wrong… my parents are awesome and they do so much for us, and Annie thinks they are the bomb. But they are grandparents – they’ve paid their dues with my brother and me, and it’s their turn to be the good guys. They let Annie do all sorts of things they never would have let me do – like chew with my mouth open, snuggle on the couch past my bedtime, and play with fire. OK maybe one of those is an exaggeration.
The problem lies with when Annie is back with us after spending time with my parents. She waltzes back in and expects to get her way all the time, and then throws a fit when we say no. Picture this – I’m sitting on the couch watching my stories, and she marches up to me and shouts, “ELMO! ABBY!” At my parents’ house, this wouldn’t happen, because the TV would already be on a non-stop Elmo/Abby loop. But at my house, I tell her “Nope! Mama is watching Mario Lopez talk about Pippa Middleton!” Next thing we know, Annie is flat on her back screaming about the injustice of it all, and I can’t hear Mario. Everyone loses.
I filmed a Momversation recently where I talk about some of the silly things my parents let my daughter get away with. I know there are tons of you out there who have been in similar circumstances, so here is my question: How can my parents be active in Annie’s everyday life AND still get to enjoy the perks of being a Grandparent WITHOUT turning her into a spoiled brat who won’t let me watch my stories?! DISCUSS.
Laura Scarborough says:
As arguably the best MiMa ever…a certain 3 year old told me so…I don’t know. I do spoil Hazel. I spoil her rotten…because I am the MiMa. This I know. But then again so does her 9 year old uncle who I won’t let get away with the same stuff I seem to overlook with the grand baby. I know I bug my daughter and son in law with this too. I do try to support them and back em up…try being the operative word. But when they express their wishes and concerns I do listen. After all they are Hazel’s parents and although my job is to love and spoil her, I do try to respect them…after all I brought up one of her parents and I know I raised her right.
Hang in there.
Lea says:
Grandparents ruin your children!!! lol! It sounds bad but it’s the truth! But they want to be fun and they take advantage of the fact that they can give your children back to you at the end of the day.
Time out works great for us. If my son wants to throw a fit he automatically sits in his timeout chair. If he continues with a fit and wailing his body on his chair then we move the chair into a corner. We make him sit there for 3 minutes (3 minutes is a super long time in toddler time!), if he doesn’t stop after 3 minutes then he gets some alone time in his room. We usually do not have to make him spend alone time in his room because he usually stops. But we are very consistent and I think the consistency has helped him. He hates being alone and likes to be around in the crowd so alone time really gets him. I don’t know… try and find some way to discipline to make her understand that this is not grandpa and grandma’s house, this is your house and she will follow your rules. I know it sounds mean but you’re the parent and disciplining comes from you. Grandma’s and grandpa’s house is suppose to be fun!
Lea says:
To add to my last comment:
Over the years I have learned that what happens at grandma’s house stays at grandma’s house. I do not want to know anything about it because it will just make me mad! lol. Grandparent’s spoil their grandchildren rotten and let them get away with soooo much! But in the end you have to let them be grandparents.
Like I said, just try to establish some ground rules with any. Time out works wonders for us, but you have to be consistent!
Lea says:
*Annie
Amy says:
Love the line “what happens at grandma’s house stays at grandma’s house.” Annie will learn this in time and the transition to home easier. And yes, time out’s encouraged by this mom too!
Tina says:
I’ts not that grandparents “know best” but in my mind it is their job to spoil the kids Hey, my grandparents did it and I bet so did yours lol
What I’ve learned is that very soon, kids (yes even very young ones like Annie) learn that rules are different in each house. For instance my kids know they are allowed to jump on grandma’s bed but they do not do that in ours.
If she is spoiled, she will only be spoiled “locally”, i.e. when in grandma’s house. Give her some time to see this and don’t sweat the small stuff. However, for bigger issues, I set my ground rules concerning my child. Having an extra bar of chocolate now and then, OK… allowing them to ride in the front seat of the car or in the back without a seatbelt NOT OK!!! My child, my rules!!
My MIL is a little stubborn so I have often restricted access to the kids. She eventually got the message Although our case might be a little extreme, your parents from what I have read seem much more respectful of your wishes lol
Jenn says:
Hey Mama!
Like I ALWAYS say try to be Consistant, Consistant, Consistant.
First off, I would suggest, don’t fret the small stuff you can life with but when it come to the big guns like….toileting and you NEED TO BE CONSISTANT, you would just explain your routine and tell them why you need to be consistant with Annie. Push come to shove? Remind them YOU & MIKE are her parents and remind them how THEY felt when their parents let you and Kyle away with murder….well, you know what I mean. This IS a big issue with a lot of people I know. There is great advantages living so close to your parents but like we learned….THE HARD WAY!!! SET YOUR BOUNDARIES…..YOUR HOUSE, YOUR KID…..YOUR RULES!! It may hurt a little feelings at the time but honestly, isn’t that better then them undoing all your hard work on teaching her your set of rules and expectations?! Your parents seem Great so I’m sure they are thrilled you moved so close!! I’m sure they’ll respect your wishes!! (Right Grandma and Bamapa who are surely reading this???). I thought so!!!
Cathy K. says:
Grandparents spoil children. It’s a fact, not a myth. My dear sweet mother in law’s favorite line is “leave the child alone” to any adult who dares correct the miscreant behavior she encourages while the kiddos are at her house. Ice cream for dinner, “sure!”. Bouncing a ball in the living room, “no problem!”. TV, games, radio, messes, murder (ok, maybe I’m getting carried away now) it’s all good at Nana’s. This from the strictest parent on the block according to her own children? What gives? “Oh, well, I’m their Nana,” as if that absolves all the sins. A little time out for Nana is in order (a discussion over a cup a tea) when a serious problem arises, but mostly it’s a losing battle. My own favorite line upon the return from the dark side – “Do I look like your Nana?”.
Mommy says:
Believe it or not, Annie will quickly learn what rules apply to Mommy and Daddy’s house vs. Gramma and Bampa’s. You might even teach her, “Only with Gramma!” We did with our older son at around 18 months and he says it all the time now…. The big rules (no running into the street, no hitting, no booze) should be consistent no matter where she is, but maybe the “brownies for dinner” kind of thing can be allowed if she is with her beloved grandparents. If you don’t give into her fits, she will give up throwing them for the most part. Good luck!!
Mommy says:
Ps. And if she stops throwing fits at home, she will save the most dramatic ones for their house! insert evil laugh here! Sorry, G & B!!!
B in Oz says:
My parents were the same, whatever the kids wanted… until we moved in with them while building our own place, amazing how quickly boundries pop up when they are around all the time and see the side effects of all the spoilling. The thing is though, once a few rules were established both kids have an even stronger relationship with their Grandparents.
I guess what I am saying is maybe when The Amazing Annie is visiting Grandma and Bumpas everyday they might not be so patient with looping Elmo and they may be seeing her enough they dont feel the need to give her everything she wants, just most things!
Good luck, it’s a hard line to walk
Jenny says:
I think they’ll get your message when they read your blog. ;). If Annie begins spending a lot more time with your parents they may find “spoiled” behaviors less funny. After all, there is a consequence and they’ll see more of it. I am so glad Annie has such a deep relationship with her g-parents. I was very close to my grandparents. I miss them more than words can say. However, my memories are tied to them, my respect for them and time I spent with them. They are not tied to my g-parents letting me get away with everything. Part of caring for Annie means raising her right. I know that my grandparents kept special things for us and spoiled us with love. The memories, talks and time were the biggest gift.
Nicole H says:
Well said, Jenny! My parent see my daughters a few times a week. After awhile they realized that giving my oldest treats all the time backfired, when she would go over there and she’d run for the snacks instead of them. They learned that seeing the grandkids so often meant there had to be some rules. A couple times I did have to step up and ask them to stop allowing certain things, and they did. Over the years they have come to find a balance, and spoil them more with activities and memories and less with snacks and tv. Now they can discipline my kids when they have to, and my kids listen. They know there are rules at grandma’s, just less of them
Lee Cockrum says:
I agree with people who are saying that Annie will quickly learn that there are diffferent rules at different places. I also think that it is good to talk about some things that are less “negotiable”, like now that she is younger, changing bedtime too drastically is more detrimental than excesses of Elmo.
Kate says:
My grandparents were draconian! I never got spoiled by any of them, no matter how desperately I tried. Even now, my 87-year-old grandmother is a slave driver with all of her grandkids; don’t even think about crossing her, because she will make you very sorry!
That said, I would say just talk to your parents. They may not realize what they’re doing. And you can help figure out what’s best for Annie together.
(But really, I just wanted to tell you about my draconian grandmother!)
Sara says:
I have to say, Closed Captioning is your friend during insane toddler meltdowns.
lara says:
or tivo!
Lisa says:
We have the same problem, only worse, my mom watches my kids full time while DH and I are working. Which i am sooooo grateful for. But i feel guilty that she cant have the same grandma relation ship as most. It definatly gets a little sticky. My oldest is a spoiled brat and acts like a monster over at my moms. She difinatly realizes the “different house, different rules” she behave worse for my mom because she can get away with it! Mom knows the last 5 yrs of spoiling her havent paid off. So, with my almost 1 yr old she’s starting to smarten up LOL We all are. For example the baby is going to start picking up here own toys as soon as she can walk!
Renee says:
My parents lived next door to us. We see them several times a DAY! My mom? She’d never spoil any of the grandkids. My Dad? Biggest pushover alive! Funny cuz where was this guy when I was growing up??? Anyway…I’d talk to them…gently. It’s cool being the grandparents, but Annie’s little yet. And well, it’s Annie. Lol. Good luck! Having to talk about things like this make me break out in hives!!!
Amber says:
This has definitely been one of the hardest things about my second child’s first year of life.
To make it more difficult to navigate you need to throw in the fact that our first child passed away at birth.
The reason our first child plays a part because I think it 1) makes me more overprotective 2) makes me value OUR time with second child more so therefore she sees everyone else less.
Yes, we hog our baby. I don’t feel bad about this.
Anyway, I think your post is spot on and honestly I’d love to hear your follow ups or even a guest post for Grandma and Bampa
AmazingGreis says:
Anything about Pippa is super important…Annie MUST learn this lesson now!!! Have I not taught her ANYTHING?
Colleen says:
Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit. They know that rules are different at grandparents house than at home. Don’t sweat the small stuff and take issue with the important stuff. For example, I would ask my parents to turn the tv off when Annie is around or at least limit it. That will help. If they spoil her at their house, she knows the difference. Let them spoil, but it’s also ok to have some boundaries.
Monica says:
Loved the phrase “my stories”. I haven’t heard that in forever!! My grandma used to say that all the time. Brought back good memories.
Thanks!
Amanda says:
My parents (of course) also do this. Interestingly, my children have become little code switchers. The instant they walk into my parents’ house, they start asking to watch shows. Never ask at our house. Same with candy. Mom’s house is a smorgasbord of candy but we just don’t have it around. They seem to just intuitively get that the rules are… different (nonexistent?) there. I have convinced myself that this is an example of my children learning to adapt and function in different social environments. Ahem.
Lara says:
My Dad died before my kids were even born, and my mom died when my son was 23mos and my daughter was 3mos old. I am a orphan and they have no grandparents. I would give ANYTHING to have my children have grandparents involved in their lives, even if that meant a little spoiling.
Lisa says:
My son used to visit my family 2-3 weeks every summer and we totalyl had to “deprogram” him every time he came back. We also his this issue while his bio-mom was alive … she was the disneyland parent (out of guilt) … every weekend we had to retrain him. As he got older he figured out the rules were different in our house.
Annie is still young yet, but just be consistent and she’ll figure it out – the rules are different at the g’parent’s house. Maybe find a simple phrase you can repeat that she’ll mock you for later in life like “well we don’t do that here at home”.
Then they turn 15 and get all attitudey….
Barbara says:
I’m a Grammy now because I already did my mommy time! For the first time ever, there are three children in this world for me to enjoy without the constant pressures of parenting. My grandkids know that Grammy’s rules are different than Mommy and Daddy’s. I tell them that I never let their mommies and daddies do the things I’m letting them do…like watch TV ad nauseum (kid-friendly only, of course), or drive through McDonald’s and get french fries!
I totally respect their parents’ rules at their homes, and I encourage the kids to do the same. But at Grammy’s…we play by MY rules!
Amy says:
Good for you Grammy! Will have the same attitude when and if I am lucky enough to have Grandbabies
Meg says:
My parents both tell my daughter (10 months) “we’re the boss of your mommy, so we’re the boss of you.”
Alicia says:
I disagree with all of the let the grandparents do whatever they want thing. IMO it is different when the grandparents live hours away and see the kids a few times a year. Then , let them have fun, its only for a few days. In day to day interactions I think it is important to set the same or similar rules/boundaries for a child. Its confusing for the child, in some cases unhealthy for the child (sweets, excessive amounts of tv, not getting the sleep they need) and lets the grandparents think they can get away with whatever they want.
Ms. Moon says:
Sorry, dear. As a grandmother I must say this: You can’t fight this. Grandparents were put on this earth to spoil your child. They can’t fight it either. You, too, will one day spoil your grandchildren. This is the way of the gene. This is the way of the heart.
Simply tell Miss Annabelle that things are one way at her grandparent’s house and another way at home. Stick to it.
And let nature take its course.
Love…A Grandmother
Lorrie says:
We call that re-entry….like astronauts returning from outer space. It would always take a couple of days for our children to get use to the way things are at our house vs. the grandparents. As they have gotten old, it is easier, because they understand that watching non-stop TV or playing on the computer for 10 straight hours is only ok at the grandparents. I let my parents do what they wanted because I was so thankful they had a great relationship with my children, and I didn’t have that with my grandparents. And the kids eventually got old enough to know the difference.
Ms. Moon says:
P.S. I will say that dietary rules and nap rules extend to my house as strictly as at home. My spoiling takes the form of constant attention. So there is that.
KellyT says:
I think it’s important to note that as Annie gets older she will understand the difference between home and grandma and grandpas. Right now it’s a little confusing as she is so young.
My parents also live 15 minutes from us and they moved here when my twins were 6 and my daughter was 1. So, we’ve done both the “long distance” grandparents thing and the “nearby” grandparents thing and once the “new” wears off of being able to see them everyday, you will settle into a routine that works for you and your parents. The more they see Annie, the more they will follow your schedule and routines, because kids NEED that routine. When they saw her once a week, it was no biggie, but now it will be a different story.
My parents definitely let my kids watch more t.v., play more computer, stay up later, etc…and they just know that that is what happens at Nonni and Papa’s. I can’t even remember the last time I heard one of them say, “but at Nonni’s house…”!
Amy says:
We live in the same town as my in-laws and see them on a very regular basis, so we definitely had to figure out some boundaries where everyone won, instead of everyone losing. For us it was mostly about respecting the rules and boundaries we already had in place rather than trying to change them (and her). LIke the bad habit Maizey had of when she was done eating, if there was food left she would throw it on the floor and rub it all over herself and make a huge mess. We (obviously) weren’t cool with this, but my in laws thought it was funny and who really cares, we can just clean up the floor, give her a bath and change her clothes. We had to argue with them and get them to understand that she still had to learn it was wrong and not okay to do it, even if they didn’t mind cleaning up the mess.
What I am saying is maybe asking your parents to let Annie watch extra of those shows, but not continuous, or something. Or along those lines… not letting her do whatever she wants and get away with everything, but still having fun with them and getting some perks of being at gramma and grandpas house!
I had to constantly remind them that wouldn’t have appreciated THEIR parents doing that to them all those years ago!!
Giselle says:
I loved spending time with my grandparents growing up and I don’t remember them spoiling me too much. My grandpa was actually quite strict, so there was no running in the house or screaming, ever! So I don’t think getting to break all the rules all the time is what makes grandparents awesome. Maybe there can be a compromise between which rules are ok to break at their house and which rules aren’t?
Amanda says:
Oh I completely understand – I have a wonderful mom who helps me a lot. However she constantly lets my daughter do things I would never do – like have ice cream for breakfast (over her cherrios of course) or lets her have fruit salad with sprinkles and marshmallows, or lets her use 20 different bath soaps to make potions in the tub. So then I am the bad guy when I say no! My standard response is that Nana does it different and when she says she might go live with Nana I explain that it is fine to live with her, but that she will definitely have rules if you live there!
Jenna Anderson says:
Mt girls don’t get to see either set of grandparents very often. One set lives a little over 700 miles away, my dad is 550 miles away and my mom is 1900 miles away. When they see my husband’s parents…all rules go out the window. And that is hard for me, because it is my husband’s parents, not my own….so what do I do? Luckily my own parents don’t have to be asked not to do certain things. Sure, they get the girls gifts because they only see them a few times a year but my mom and dad are both so good about making sure what they are doing is okay with my husband and me. They are firm with my kids and stick to our rules and while the girls may get a little upset with them momentarily, they are quickly over it. And they still adore grandma and grandpa. I am not sure how I got so fortunate but my parents are amazing grandparents…which tells me they were amazing parents as well. Despite how I felt as a teenager! I think you just need to ask your parents to respect your wishes regarding Annie. Surely they should understand, right? Maybe not! I know some grandparents think they have the right to do whatever they want as grandparents but I would at least have a conversation about it with them if you are concerned. Chances are they will respect at least some of your wishes! Good Luck!
cindy w says:
Closed-captioning is your friend. You can just READ what Mario Lopez is saying, so it doesn’t matter that the shrieking toddler tantrum is drowning him out.
Um, not that I’ve ever done that, personally. *cough*
Rebecca says:
As a grandchild: Growing up, being the 20th grandchild for my paternal grandparents (and 9th for my maternal grandparents), I had it GOOD when I went to their homes. They all knew I was their last grandchild and, my paternal grandparents especially, LOVED spending time with their grandchildren and loved spoiling us. I had free range when I went to their house. There was a cookie jar on the counter that didn’t take long to empty, there were three acres to run around and explore, there was a TV (though not many kids shows, I have fond memories of watching Jeopardy as a child). There were jokes and fun and staying up late, falling asleep on floors or couches. And, I think after those two wonderful people raised seven children in a tiny three bedroom house, they deserved to have some fun with their grandkids. The best part was when my grandmother started pressuring the 13-16 year olds to have kids because she wanted a great-grandchild so badly (none of them ever had kids that early and she, unfortunately, didn’t see the birth of her first great-grandson).
As an aunt/watching my mom: It’s all in the fun. I do have some strict rules when my niece and nephew come over (Miss Attitude isn’t allowed to cross her arms in my presence) but we have a lot of fun while they’re here! We don’t get them all the time, so we don’t want to spend the time we do have with them by punishing them (although I never hesitate to give a time out, which usually happens once a month). They stay up later when they’re here, and they’re typically the center of attention during the day and plans for outings.
As someone who wants to be a mother: I totally get where you’re coming from. If my preschooler came home from grandma’s demanding it’s her way or the tantrum-way, she’d get a reality check. I’m big on time-outs and she’s sit there as long as necessary for her to realize different households do things different ways and that that’s okay, but you need to know the rules. It’s a tough thing for little one’s, like Annie, to grasp. So you’ll need to let some things slide. Other things, you’ll need to talk to with your parents. For instance, chewing with her mouth open? My dad was BIG on table manners and I wouldn’t put up with someone teaching my child the wrong table manners. I would also have strict rules about other things. For instance, I don’t even have a TV now, so I don’t expect my kids to be watching a lot of it (not that I haven’t used movies on my laptop as babysitters for my niece and nephew before), but I’d rather them be supervised and allowed to play with toys. I also don’t tolerate spanking, or screaming at one another. For that reason, I don’t believe my dad will ever watch my children without me present because I’ve seen him spank a two year old and then yell at her for a long period of time to stop crying (really? that was actually the point where i told him i would call the cops if he didn’t cut it out) and he thinks it’s okay to smoke by kids.
Chris says:
I’m a grandmother and I love it. I use common sense with some things and let other things go. I love the saying “if I knew grandkids were so much fun, I would have bypassed the children”! My kids and I are usually on the same page with dicipline.
Jenn says:
My mom cares for my neice and nephew all day several times a week for my brother and sister-in-law . . . and recently she’s started saying, “My job is to keep them safe, not make them better people.” So true!
Kim says:
Well Heather, as a Mom who raised two daughters and having lived only one block away from my parents for the past 28 years, all I can say is welcome to reality! Parents always have to be the bad guys and grandparents get to spoil their grandkids — it’s just a fact of life! Be firm with Annie and don’t let her get away with whatever it is you don’t want her to do. It might take a bit, but she’s a smart cookie, she’ll figure out how the program works.
The benefits of having grandparents close by is so much greater than having to deal with a few behavior issues early on.
Erin says:
I can’t get over the fact that you’re only 15 minutes away from your parents. I’m melting with jealousy right now. Obviously, since I’m 15 hours away from my parents, I have no words of advice here.
Also, that line about watching Mario talk about Pippa really made me laugh. You’re hilarious.
Rebecca says:
When she gets older she’ll understand that “What happens at grandmas house stays at grandmas house”. Until then, just put her in her room and shut the door. You’ll still be able to hear Mario and she’ll get that mom won’t budge on the television rule.
Elle says:
My parents give my kids ice cream and m&m’s after lunch and dinner when they are visiting with them. These are the same people who put celery sticks in my lunch for YEARS! And you KNOW that no one would ever trade for that. When I was ten, I had to beg them to occasionally throw in some butterscotch krimpets for goodness sake. (Butterscotch krimpets are from Tastykake: http://www.tastykake.com/) But today, with their grand children? Ice cream and m&m’s for everyone!!!
Jacqueline says:
We’ve been lucky so far. My parents and my MIL spoil our kids, but make them behave. They don’t want to be around little brats any more than we do. It’s all structure and consistency. I bet now that your parents will be seeing Annie on a more regular basis they won’t let her get away with quite as much.
Mary says:
I have similar problems. My haphazard method at this point, is that I pretty much let them do what they want with my son while it is just him over at their house. However, if they’re at my house, they follow MY rules. Also, if me and/or my husband is at their house, we enforce our rules with our son, i.e. having to sit at the table until everyone is done eating. I can see that it physically hurts my stepmom to let him scream while he’s stuck in his high chair, but that’s something I plan on expecting of him to do around me. At the same time though, I want him to know the enjoyment of “getting away with stuff” when it’s just him and his grandparents. I remember how I LOVED how special I felt at my own grandma and grandpa’s house. They didn’t let me get away with murder or anything, but they were more relaxed about things than my parents were. I feel like after raising me, my parents have earned it by now.
Kristin says:
My advice is to pick your battles. Know that your parents will spoil Annie and a little spoiling by the grandparents is a GOOD thing, however, you have to pick which rules you must have enforced and which rules you can live with being broken at the grandparents house. I would say things like bedtime and eating with utensils would be things you would want them to stick to. Elmo/Abby on all the time, eh, no biggie, just make sure she understands that when she comes back home its back to mom and dad’s rules. Its going to be SUPER hard for her to understand now (due to age and maybe the newness of it all) but I promise, once gets a little older and you are consistent with the rules in your home, she’ll begin to understand that she can’t do whatever she wants like she may at grandma’s. HOWEVER…. the older she gets this could cause problems too. My children are not allowed to drink soda (other than Sprite or whatever is caffeine free and clear) and they know this, but Nana lets them get away with it and it bugs me. So of course they are going to wait until they are with Nana to pretty much go against everything I say. Again, pick the battles.
k says:
Congratulations on your new home Heather!
As for the grandparent dilemma, I came to understand that my son would try out new social norms acquired at Grandmama’s house (or school or his best pal James’ or Zoocamp and I am talking stuff that goes down in the Ape house) and see how I responded. If I kept it real at home (and spent a while ignoring his falling out, screeching like a chimp and leaving me notes that told me, “I hat yu and I do not lik you”), he seemed perfectly able and happy to adapt to the changing rules he found in changing environments.
I think the beauty of good grandparents for our children is that their devotion, their complete love and delight in our children is unfettered by the parent/child dynamic. They are the icing on the cake, the special respite for children weary of mama and papa telling them how it is. They can turn into our babies closest confidants at difficult times in their lives (like being a teenager) when it is just too hard to navigate boundaries with parents alone. They are a safety net when sometimes your parent seems to be an asshat as we all can. My kid would probably go to GMa’s house even now at 23 if he felt like running away from me. And that security, that bone deep knowing that there are people in the world who want nothing more than to behold your awesomeness and watch Elmo with you for hours makes the world a much friendlier place.
So, to Bampa and Grandma I say, “Go for it!!!Annie party all the time! Heather and Mike can’t stop you!!!Leashes?You don”t need no stinking leashes!”
And, as you are obviously such fantastic parents yourselves, you will listen to them and try to comply. At least while they are watching.
Love to you all and great joy in your new home.
arlene cloud says:
Ummm, Mamie just set up the Thomas the Tank Engine train table and tracks at her house. The one I purchased for his birthday, Oct, 28, but can’t wait until then to give it. I’ll answer when I’m finished playing.
Elissa Lerma says:
Ohhh I just wrote about this. We experienced our first temper tantrum with our 6 year old after a day trip with my parents to Legoland. My parents are great at spoiling their grandkids and I feel that they deserve to do that. Now I need to teach my kid how to deal with coming back to reality after spending time with her grandparents. My parents job is to spoil them and teaching her the difference between being with them and the reality of her everyday with us, well that’s my job.
Fostermom says:
This is an easy one. Their house=Their rules. My house=My rules.
ldoo says:
I’ve got your answer right here:
Have the grand-units watch her all day, 5 days a week. That’s what Nana does in our house cause the hubs and I work full-time. She’s the nanny AND Nana.
Your parents will quickly learn that spoiling backfires big time!
Wanda says:
I’m still waiting for grandkids. But I told my daughter years ago that when she had kids, I would respect and follow her rules. When she was growing up she learned early that no meant no and maybe meant yes but she had to wait(sometimes a long time) for it. It helped that my relatives backed me up on this. She never threw a tantrum over wanting something because she knew that the no would not change. Not that she was happy about our replies. We didn’t want a spoiled child then and I don’t want to create spoiled grandkids.
Brianne says:
I think I can weigh in appropriately on this as our twins (turning 5 in November) have spent the last 2 1/2 years in a routine that includes the great grandparents (the equivalent role of grandparents to us). Every single week of every year, the twins go to the great grandparents’ house (used to be 60 miles away, now only 30 miles away) for 2 nights (3 full days) per week. So this fall they’ll be at their house from lunchtime on Monday til bedtime on Wednesday when the great g’rents return them home.
At first I thought I wanted them to follow my rules all the time and maintain the routine they had at home. The great g’rents did the “sure, mhm, okay, we got it” and continued doing whatever they wanted as far as rules. Here’s the thing: I fight with the twins at bedtime even still (they’re noooooottttt tiiiiiiired). The g’rents? NEVER have to fight bedtime. The problem for us lies in the times I stay with the twins in the summer to visit, and the conflicting of the rules. So, it really sucks to sit there and let the g’rents parent in their house by their rules. The alternative for us is daycare and they have their own rules that are very different from mine, so letting the kids enjoy the time with their great grandparents outweighs the stuff they get away with.
Also, it will NOT be like that forever. Mine know when they walk in the door upon return home, they best find those manners they may have forgotten, and return to normal routine. Yes, I hear “but I like Grammy and Papa’s rules better!”, but really it is good because they acknowledge that there are in fact different rules at different houses.
Long story short: don’t sweat it. Let them just be grandparents. As long as they’re willing to make sure to do the basics you ask for (teeth brushing was the one we went to the mat on with the g’rents), then just ignore the rest.
April says:
They’re the grandparents, they’ve earned it. My girls spent a lot of time with my parents after I got divorced, and we had the same sort of “other parent” syndrome, but I soon realized that as long as I stand my ground, the girls will figure out what’s allowed where, and now have no problem transitioning from being at Mommy’s house versus Grandma & Granddad’s. What I had trouble with (and still do at times) is my mom overruling me when we’re all together. Thankfully, my dad sides with me so she’ll back off. And as she gets older, Grandma & Granddad will step up to the discipline plate when they need to do so. The worst thing for the girls is when their granddad is upset with them! It’ll all settle down eventually.
Jennifer says:
We call it grandparent’s syndrome, which my mother hates and tells me she’s going to stop taking the kids if I call it that. For the first time ever, my inlaws took my kids over the weekend who are 2 and 3. Now that they are home, the three year old has been throwing the most insane tantrums, demanding popsicles (like I’m crazy enough to give little kids popsicles) and chocolate milk. The 2 year old actually grew up a bit while he was gone, but now I’m thinking if my three year old doesn’t clear his act up, I’ll have to figure something out because he’s broken and needs to be fixed right now. My mother asked me how the kids were now that they are back, I responded with the whole grandparent’s syndrome and she didn’t object. If only she could realize the epidemic they are causing!
Kristin says:
As a mom who has not only lived WITH her parents while she had kids but also just minutes from them I had this problem for 6+ years. What I did worked for me, and I hope it works the same for you.
Talking to them about it doesn’t work. You’ll get hurt feelings or the “Grandparents Justification” for everything, as is their right, for sure. What I did is SHOWED my parents what my daughter did and acted like when she came home from a visit with the gparents. When they saw her behavior and how she reacted to things as opposed to the way she normally handles things they knew they were doing her an injustice, as well as me.
Good luck Heather!
jess says:
I had the best relationship ever with my dad’s parents. Especially my grandma. I spent summers with her (and they lived 10 minutes away), I would sleep over all the time, and when I got older we would go to dinner and a movie every weekend right up until she died in 2003. My brother and I were spoiled but she was quick to kick our butts if we stepped out of line. We got the “stick” if needed and if we were worse (ie my brother not me, lol) then pap pap was called in and he was the enforcer. He was in the army so he could yell!
My mom’s parents, who also lived 10 minutes away, wanted nothing to do with us kids. I was the second grandkid for them and the first girl, and two days after I was born they told my mom “don’t ask us to babysit we’ve raised our kids”, I never spent a night at their house, true to form they never babysat us, never said “love you” nothing. To this day we don’t speak unless they are at a family function. It bothered me a lot growing up because I didn’t know what *I* did wrong.
I think Annie will have a wonderful relationship with both sets of grandparents, and is a very lucky little girl. I see her forming that bond much like I had with my dad’s parents. For now I think Annie does get a little spoiled but she’s just a baby still. When she’s older rules will need to be set in place. Time outs, etc. And I think you’re parents will listen to you if you just tell them. Don’t wait too long though, otherwise Annie will be 14, getting a tattoo going “well Bampa said I could!”
Anne says:
It takes time but my kids and all the children I’ve ever met learn the difference between their grandparents house and their home. As long as they keep her safe, let the grandparents spoil her rotten, that’s their role. It also seems that the nuttier and more freewheeling the grands the more the kids want them to think they are the most perfect, well behaved children in the world. My kids work hard to live up to what their grandparents see in them. Funny thing is, my kids are always on their very best behavior when they go visiting. I’m of course never going to tell them they could be little beasts and their grandparents would still think they were the best kids in the world.
It won’t be that much longer before Annie figures it out and instantly adjusts to the rules at your house. Once she makes the connection you have the ultimate threat– behave or you do not get to go to your grandparents (admittedly you’d be punishing yourself too). There is even the most potent, your grandparents will be so disappointed.
Kristi says:
Even though my daughter is 14, she’ll still speed dial Mimi so quick it would make your head spin.
When she was little, nearly everything was “optional” at Mimi & Poppy’s house. Wearing clothes? Only if she wants to. Eat real food? Not if there’s candy or icecream around (and a camera to send nanny nanny boo boo photos to mean old Mommy). Bathing? Forget it, there’s a waterhose in the yard, much more fun!!
When she came home SUPER ROTTEN, I called it “Burning Up on Re-Entry” like the Space Schuttle.
Wouldn’t trade any of it. Not one little bit. I think grandparenting is the reward you get for parenting. Mimi and Poppy have carte blanche. Always will. ?
Karen says:
This is 99% irrelevant which is why I am sharing and why it cracks me up anyway. We biologically can’t have kids (and married in our later 30’s) so the in-laws have grand-puppies and grand-kitties and when the grand-pups come back from a week at Grandma’s we even have to re-program them
I grew up very close (emotionally and physically) to my maternal grandparents and knew there were different rules to each house although at G and G’s many basic rules still applied. My grandfather yelled at me ONCE (necessarily) when I was about 8 and I cried in the coat closet afterwards and my mom says it ‘broke his heart’ too
Karen says:
(addendum- He reprimanded me for talking back to my mom
Karen says:
I dislike the wording that grandparents have “earned the right” to anything in particular…I prefer to say it is the grandparents’ prerogative to defer to parents on disciplinary battles and go with the flow instead of making tough decisions.
That said it is also the grandparents’ obligation to support, rather than undermine, their children as parents. Tricky business when precisely what constitutes “supportive” behavior will vary from one family to the next, and even from one visit to the next since kids can grow and change so quickly. You can and should do your best to communicate to your parents how they can be supportive, but you also can and should do your best to understand if they strike a nerve or make an honest mistake.