I need to preface this story with the following disclaimer: I am not a morning person. I am incapable of performing anything other than basic functions (bathroom, diaper changes, breathing) until I have been awake for at least 30 minutes and ingested a cup of coffee. My family knows this, my friends know this. It is just a fact that I, and everyone around me, works around.

Mike and I have started to dip our collective baby toe into the real estate market. Seeing what the heck is out there, what we can afford, what we can even qualify for. Mike’s job at the bank taught him all sorts of stuff about mortgages and points and math and tax returns and equity. So he talks all this gobbledygook at me and I’m like, “look, give me a price range and I’ll find pretty houses in that range, mmmkay?” Teamwork!

A few weekends ago I went on a tear, and found five houses that looked livable. I emailed the listing agents to make appointments to see them all. Then I sat back, pleased with how easy it was to make appointments.

On Saturday morning, my cell phone rang at 8:01 am. My ring tone is Annie laughing, although most people say it sounds like she’s crying…hmm. Anyway, I woke with a start and answered the phone.

Me: Hello?
Lady: Hi, is this Heather? This is &*%&^% from &^$%* Realty. You wanted to see the house at 1%$7 &^%$& Lane? (The symbols aren’t for privacy. That is literally what my brain heard.)
Me: Oh, yeah, yeah, I did.
Lady: How does 11 am work for you?
Me: Sounds good, see you then!

I hung up. Mike asked me who was on the phone. I said, “Um…a realtor? I missed her name in the process of waking up.” So he reasonably replied, “Well, what house did she say she’d show us?” “Uhhhhh…crap, I don’t know. But I am sure when I look at the list of homes I will remember.”

So I looked up my  list, and I saw the name Diane. DING DING DING! Diane was the listing agent at a house on 12345 Fake Name St. Perfect.

Mike, Annie and I met my mom in front of the house at 11 am. My mom arrived slightly before us, and said she saw a woman pull into the house’s driveway and walk in the front door. “That was Diane,” I said. So up to the front door we went, and I rang the bell.

A disheveled woman, her teen-aged son, and a psychopath dog met us at the door.

Me: Hi…um…we’re meeting a realtor here?
Woman: Oh OK. Man, she usually calls first. Come on in, and look around, I’ll put the dog in the garage.

We start walking around the house, but it’s totally awkward because they had no idea we were coming. The house was not really in “showing” shape. But whatever, my house looks like a dog and a baby waged World War III, so I don’t judge.

As we’re walking around, my phone rings. Annie cry-laughing. Annie immediately starts clapping at the sound of her laughter, because she’s a narcissist.

Lady on the phone: Hi Heather, it’s Elena. I’m out in front of the house. Are you coming?
Me: (suddenly realizing what I have done) Uuummmm….what’s the street number again? I think I reversed some of the numbers.
Elena: Forty four.
Me: HA HA HA, ah, I guess I just wrote down the wrong number entirely. And that’s on…which street again?
Elena: Correct Lane….
Me: OK! See you in a few minutes, we’re almost there, just a little lost!

I hang up and turn around to see my mom and Mike standing behind me.

Mom: Who was that?
Me: Um….the realtor that called me this morning.
Mom: Was she calling to say she’s late?
Me: Um….no….she was calling to say WE are late.
Mike: *lightbulb* Heather NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mom: What? What’s going on?
Mike: Heather brought us to the wrong house! Elena sounds nothing like Diane!!!

Yeah, I basically just barged into the house of innocent people (whose house IS on the market), and we wandered around, opening their closets and inspecting their paint and we were SUPPOSED TO BE AT ANOTHER HOUSE.

Even Annie had judgey-face.

We went to leave the house, and the owner was on her cell phone, clearly calling her listing agent all, “there are people in my house, WTF.” So I said, “I think my agent got confused on times, I’m so sorry to barge in, we’ll just wait for her in our cars, thank you!”

And then we ran to the cars and peeled outta there before we got arrested for trespassing.

I think this indicates I am either not ready to own a home, or I need to have someone else answer my phone in the mornings.

By the way, did you see I’m giving away a laptop? Go here to enter!