Mike and I hadn’t been dating long when he said to me, “wow, you have a lot of friends.” I do have a lot of friends. After my family, my friendships are the most important thing to me in the world.
I throw myself full-force into my friendships. I give everything I can to them. And 99% of the time, I am so glad I do. When Maddie passed, my friends came through for me a million-fold. We would have been lost without them.
But then there is that 1%. Part of the problem with loving a friend so wholly is that they can catch you completely off-guard, and hurt you in such a startlingly unexpected way. Someone can be so nice to you, and then turn around and do something so thoughtless to you or someone else that you’re left with your mouth hanging open in shock.
On my elementary school report cards, my teachers used to write, “doesn’t think before she speaks.” When I was old enough to understand what that meant, I made a HUGE effort to take a breath and contemplate my actions. Most of the time, that breath kept me from doing something really stupid. Sometimes the breath should have been longer. It’s a skill everyone should work on.
Too often in life we don’t put ourselves in other people’s shoes. We do things to people that we would NEVER want done to ourselves. Either through deliberate maliciousness, misguided benevolence, or downright stupidity, someone’s feelings and unique circumstances aren’t taken into account. The extra breath is forgotten.
The reason I have so many friends now is because when I was a kid, I lost a lot of them. I made other little people cry, and I am very ashamed of young Heather. But I learned my lesson, and I strive to be the kind of friend to others that I want in return. So I weigh every word and action carefully, taking my time. All I ask in return is that my friends do the same.
We haven’t spoken to some of our ‘friends’ since our son died. Five years ago.
Some people just say the most insensitive things, not because they mean to hurt, it’s just they don’t know what to say and they think anything is better than nothing.
Hugs and peace and strength to you.
.-= tiff´s last blog ..I wish… =-.
I can only guess at what has prompted this blog from you, and I hope that you are both no longer reeling from the conversation. If not, then again we will be right there cheering you on.
I for one can put my foot in my mouth at times, I am still learning to take my deep breath; but when someone is leaning on me, the easiest, nicest thing to do is to shut up and listen. Just being there and listening totally, not letting your mind wander, is more important than any inane platitude you could say to someone. Sharing pain with someone you ask to hear you is one of the greatest honours and gifts you can give, and should be treated as such.
My closest friends are proud that I asked for help from them when my marriage failed, I am proud they stepped up and helped me.
For the eejits that made critical, painful and decidedly rude remarks were given very short shrift and told to bu**er off.
You are struggling enough, surround yourself with love and support, and nothing else.
With love and hugs, always
.-= Maddie´s last blog ..Pregnancy spike? =-.
It is difficult to come away from this post without both wanting to comfort & protect you from this kind of hurt and worrying that I myself – and I’m sure other readers, too – may have played the role of the person who hurt you obliviously during this impossible-to-comprehend time.
I hope releasing the hurt of whatever has happened will lighten the load a little, and I appreciate your ever-present candor, because I, too, struggle daily with the battle of being able to fully think before I speak.
The price is often a heavy one.
Sending you much love, as always, to Mike & Rigby as well. Trying to plot a weekend in LA where I might do nothing but follow through on all these promises I’ve been making and with whom all the people I want to connect. Still sorry we couldn’t make it work this last time ’round.
The first paragraph you wrote is exactly what I was thinking Kristeneileen, but couldn’t come up with the right words to say. …. I’ve struggled with thinking before writing comments and I still probably fail miserably even when I’ve put careful thought into what I want to express. It’s difficult to want to *say* more and share what is in my heart and not attempt it, but now I am going to be conscientious (sp?) to just send hugs or cheers because the worry that even a carefully considered comment isn’t being expressed well or is totally wrong to begin with makes me feel sick. I would never want to add to Heather and Mike’s pain, just as none of us would. Whatever happened that prompted this post was clearly with a friend, but I am sure as a reader I’ve done enough to contribute to it with comments and I am sorry for that. And I thought I knew better, which kind of makes it worse.
Sara @heartmychloe says:
I hope I have never said anything that was unintentionally hurtful. If I have, I’m sorry.
Much love today and every day.
.-= Sara @heartmychloe´s last blog ..nothing to see here…part deux =-.
I also hope there was nothing I’ve said to hurt you.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..Arh my aching stats! =-.
So profound and oh so true! Hugs to you!
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Pretzel Thief =-.
Dear sweet Heather,
As a stranger friend (or reader but I really do think of myself as a stranger friend to you) I have no idea of the background behind this post but just like the comment made above by Kirsteneileen reading your post also makes me immediately want to protect and comfort you from any hurt in any way I can and also makes me wonder whether I -just a stranger friend- could also have written something which may have hurt you or been thoughtless. Its so difficult at times to express our words in the right way and to offer the comfort and love we are trying to show especially in light of the fact that we can not really know what you are going through or how you are feeling Not all of us are as eloquent with words as you are dear, sweet Heather. I continue to learn from you every time I read a post, dear Heather. Reading today’s post you have reminded me to take more time to think before I speak and to make more time for my family and friends. Thank you again dear Heather for sharing these thoughts with your readers and for helping make us better people.
You are surrounded by so much love from your family and friends (stranger friends included), the love surrounding you can be seen and felt through all of your posts, just as the love you give to others can also always be seen and felt. The way you and Mike loved and cared for your precious Maddie is incredible, I’ve said it before and I have to say it again today: you and Mike are both such inspirations to us all as parents.
Thinking of you, Mike and your families always and sending you all my very best wishes.
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg
you did post! i’m so glad i checked again… obviously thinking of you…
Sounds like something not-so-great happened with one of your friends – I hope you can work it out – otherwise you have to cut out the people who are dragging you down – you have enough to deal with.
xo from CT,
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Taking that breath in order to weigh our words and actions makes so much sense. I’m always rewarded when I do so, and regretful when I don’t.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Listen to Ethel =-.
Kristen McD says:
I’m so sorry for whatever happened to prompt this. I hope the friendship can be made right.
When I was about 25, I completely alienated my best friend when she was losing her step father to brain cancer. I said things like – “hey, call me if you need anything”, “sorry, I just can’t go to the funeral, I can’t deal with death” and other moronic things that basically showed her I was not prepared to BE THERE for her in any way. I didn’t call her, send flowers or cards – nothing. I waited for her to call me. I was a complete tool and it hurt her so badly. I didn’t realize it though; I really was that ignorant.
I lost my father just before I turned 7 and I really did have a long list of reasons to why I couldn’t deal with the illness and passing of her step father. I know now that as a friend I should have put aside whatever feelings and apprehension I felt aside and put her first. Be there for her. Be the friend and support that she desperately needed. I failed her. We’ve since talked about it at length and have made ammends, but nothing will change the fact that I bailed when she needed me most.
I really sincerely hope that your friend has let you down out of ignorange rather than malice. Though it doesn’t make it better if they “didn’t mean to hurt you”… I couldn’t imagine someone intending to kick you while you’re down. You’re far to gracious and sweet.
Wrap yourselves in the warm embrace of your true friends Heather… they won’t let you down -and if they do, believe me… they’ll live to regret it, just as I do. I carry it with me always and have long ago vowed to be a better friend because of it.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Time Flies =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
near or far.. true friends stand by you when the dust settles.
i too have trouble with the breath before i speak. thankfully i have friends who understand that.. even more so i have that one friend who is an eternal sister to me. i would have been lost without her.
good to hear you have 99% of friendships that are unfazed by dust.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..once.. =-.
Heather…my report card used to often read: Waste Time. Annoys others. I have always tried to be the BEST friend to ALL of my friends and frankly that is a hard act for most of them to follow. One of my friends actually told me: “Jodi I don’t even try to be half the friend you are! I would fail miserably so I just do my best”. I know when my dad was diagnosed with a serious illness and then I had a sick baby. Some of my friends “bailed” on me. Some didn’t. It did change many relationships in my life and I think some of it was me expecting them TO BE LIKE ME. (not to toot my own horn here but you get what I am saying). I think your loss is probably so scary for a lot of people in your life they might screw things up a bit. I hope whatever has happened it all works out. I pray for you every night and I think of you guys all the time…
Oh Heather – you don’t need any more pain or grief. I’m so sorry!! You don’t deserve any of this. Huge hug from across the miles. Thinking of you daily.
Thinking before we speak. I think all of us forget to do that every now and then.
I don’t know what happened to result in this post, but I hope the rest of your friends are able to make up for the 1% that aren’t there for you the way they should be. Being hurt by a friend sucks, they are the ones that aren’t supposed to hurt you.
Sending great big ((hugs)) your way today and always.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Review of SunButter =-.
That’s the very least you should be able to expect of your friends, new and old, at a time like this. It is true though, after we lose our children, we learn so much about so many of the people close to us. People will suprise you in good and bad ways. Mostly for me it has been good, but like you say, there is always that one per cent….
.-= Sally´s last blog ..60 =-.
i’m so sorry about whatever happened to make you write this. i have found, through personal experience, that you really find who your friends are through the extreme times – the great times and the unbearable times. thinking of you every day and sending so many hugs. xoxo
Erin B. says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. As always, I wish there was something more I could do or say. Someone above (who is much more creative and eloquent than me!) used the term ‘stranger-friend’ – and I thought that was a perfect description for many of us who come to your blog. As a fellow stranger-friend, I wish there was a way I could shield you from all this pain and sorrow!! It’s just so unfair. So incredibly, ridiculously, completely unfair.
All I can do from this far away, I guess, is let you know that I’m thinking of you and sending you many, many hugs from Virginia. Hope you and your friend can work your way through this.
Sounds like someone has let you down… how sad. Especially now! This is one of those things you should not have to worry about right now. I am sorry you have been hurt by a friend. Thinking of you…
I am surrouned by people that dont think before they speak .. I am always getting my feeling hurt ,and I try to always tell them ‘If you cant say something nice then dont say any thing at all”
You dont need any more hurt , you are going threw enough.
I have been reading your blog since your tragic day. I lost my son 27 months and daughter 4 months 3 very long years ago. Even though I have been there the pain of losing a child is so personal that it is hard to know what to say. About 6 months after the accident a very close family friend did what you just described. She told my husband and I that we were young enough to have more and I should just get pregnant and get over it. Like my babies were things that could be replaced. In February her youngest child died very suddenly. It took everything I had to not return the cruel and heartless comment she gave me. I don’t know where the grace comes from but I hope you find it too.
So very terribly sorry for your loss.
Jenn in CA
Thank you Jenn. God Bless you as well!
Ashley, I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Prayers and hugs from afar.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..I appreciate… =-.
kymberli q. says:
You brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry to hear about your two. And for you to not say a heartless remark to her in return…well, you are a better woman than I am.
God Bless You,
P.S. You too Heather…hope all turns out well.
Dee Dee says:
Ashley so sorry for your loss. I am not sure how you survived but you are obviously a warrior to survive. My thoughts are with you…
I am so sorry you were hurt or let down by some of your friends. I really do hope that whatever was said or done by a friend that it was done out of ignorance. Not on purpose to hurt you.
I know this comes no where near to what you are going through, but when I had a miscarriage, I had some friends AND family that just flat-out ran away from me. Not even a phone call. All I wanted to hear was someone on the other line saying “I am so sorry. This just sucks”. Don’t try to give me your outlook as to why you think it happened, just say “I’m sorry”. My own mother-in-law avoided me and my husband…and she even went through it too! The same thing when my 18 month old son had open heart surgery. We had friends that wouldn’t come up to the hospital because “I just don’t “do” hospitals” or “hospitals weird me out”. Great. Thanks for your support. But then I had those that were not in my tight circle that just amazed me with their support. Heartfelt letters sent to me from people I barely knew at my office. Heather, surround yourself with those. Try not to let the 1% get you down…I know, easier said than done. Let the 99% do all that they want to for you and Mike.
I’m so sorry someone hurt you. You have many blog-friends that will support you each and every day.
~Hugs from TX
.-= Alli´s last blog ..Friend Makin’ Monday =-.
I have been a really crappy friend at times in my life. Looking back, I did not realize how self-centered and hurtful my words and actions were. Taking that extra breath requires a lot of maturity, sensitivity and self-awareness. To your credit, you figured out that you needed to take the breath pretty early on.
I am sorry that someone hurt you. I have not commented lately, but I have been reading every day, crying with you guys, and thinking about your Maddie. I send up a little prayer for the three of you every day.
ali (adil320) says:
You are so very right with this post. I am for sure guilty of my mouth going faster than my brain, and of saying things to people without considering the PERSON who is hearing it. I have hurt people and made people cry, and it is something I work on daily.
There will always be people who don’t think before they talk, I can only hope that being on the recieving end of someone’s carelessness did not hurt you too badly.
Much love to you, Heather. Also to Mike and Rigby, and your parents. And as always…to sweet Madeline.
.-= ali (adil320)´s last blog ..Vacation 09! =-.
There is nothing further I can say that has not already been said. Just know, if you need an ear or should from someone far away, I am here. *huggles*
.-= Earth_Mommy´s last blog ..Oh, My Lordy Me! =-.
Good Morning Heather,
I can relate to your post today. Some of the greatest and deepest hurts I ever received have been from my best friend, That type of hurt scars your soul. I’m very sorry if someone’s words deeply wounded you. Some people don’t think before they speak, but that NEVER gives them an out for being nasty or making rude and/or hurtful commnents.
Now the choice is yours….Do you express your feelings (which you did so beautifully here) and tell your friend what her words did to you? Do you stay quiet and just try as hard as you can to get over it? Or, do you drop your friend? Only you know the value of your relationship? Only you can decide if she is worth it to you to fight to keep that friendship alive. Given the strength I have witness come from you through this blog, there is not one doubt in my mind, you will do what is best for YOU! And, you should Heather b/c you don’t deserve this shit from anyone – you’re too nice of a person!
I’m sorry your friend hurt you – she/he had NO right to. I wish she hadn’t, you don’t deserve any more pain. Please know I am here if you ever need to talk…a safe person if you will. I will try my best to never let you down.
Take Care of You.
Thinking of you,
Your Stranger Friend,
I’m sorry a friend has disappointed you, especially at this time of your life. I think it is pretty obvious that you have many ‘strangers’ who love you and whose heart breaks for you everyday.
I read a quote recently (I think it was from Reader’s Digest) that said something like “try to forgive/understand people when they say the wrong thing because they MEANT to say the right thing”. That is a completely butchered version of the quote, but I liked it. Anyway, this may not be, in any way, related to what you are going through, but I’m sure you have gotten comments from people who mean well but that say something that rubs you the wrong way. I continue to pray for you daily.
I could have written this post yesterday. I truly love my friends, but sometimes wonder why I put myself out there and care so much and so deeply when it seems/feels as if they don’t care at all.
Whatever has hurt you I hope that it can be worked out.
See you next week, finally!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..I &hearts Faces – Week 27 =-.
Midwest Mommy says:
Ok, I just read the Moosh…what is going on with the internets today?
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..Totally Ticks Me Off Tuesday! =-.
I think my report card said the same thing. Thanks for the reminder to take the extra breath.
When my dad died suddenly & I was 20 I thought for sure my best friend from high school who’s dad had also passed would be my closest support. I was wrong, she was MIA and we never really spoke much after that. It hurts when a friend lets you down by actions or words.
Lots of hugs and prayers continue…..
I think I might know where this is stemming from… but like I’ve told you before, sometimes people cant see through their own issues and problems- to see the bigger picture.
I wish you werent hurt. I wish I too can protect you in a bubble, but alas- we have to deal with other people’s crap atop our own issues.
I pray for you to let the insensetive comments just roll off your back. You cannot let it penetrate you. They dont deserve that much power.
.-= maya´s last blog ..You don’t have to put on the red light =-.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, Heather. I hope you and your friend find a way to work it out.
I’m sorry you have someone in your life that has disappointed you. I sincerely hope that this was thoughtlessness rather than malic. Not that it is okay to be thoughtless, but hopefully at least forgivable through redemption. *hug*s to you, Heather. (and Mike, and Rigby) This time is so hard, I’m sad that there are those making this harder rather than easier. We all love you.
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..AND SHE ENFOLDS HERSELF IN THE PURPLE OF EMPERORS =-.
Sorry a friend is adding to your hurt. That just really stinks. I always try to figure out want people were really trying to say when they say something “not quite right or normal” for a friend to say but sometimes….that’s just a lot of work on my part when they should have been more respectful to start! I hope whatever it was is able to be mended!
Thinking of you, Mike and sweet Maddie daily!
Love and hugs to you and Mike!
Michelle in Herculaneum
My mantra to myself and anyone who will listen (certainly not my kids, cuz why the hell would they listen to me?) is always “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.”
I love you both.
.-= Adriennevh´s last blog ..Stereotypical Women =-.
i just love this post. i had never heard it put into words as great, as you did in the sentence “Part of the problem with loving a friend so wholly is that they can catch you completely off-guard, and hurt you in such a startlingly unexpected way”.
I can only imagine what happened to prompt the post, but since I don’t know you, I won’t guess. I’m sorry for you. mostly because you have done the “work” on your end to stop this problem that you used to have, and I’m sorry that someone else didn’t do the same.
.-= Cher´s last blog ..mixing it up =-.
Heather, I’ll be 29 next month and finally feel like I’m getting it right with the friends thing. I love this post, I love your blog, I am a new regular down here in Gainesville, FL. I was told constantly throughout my life, mush like you, that I didn’t think before I spoke. I TOTALLY GET IT NOW! And it’s worth all the heartache and awkward-ness that all those lost friendships caused me. Keep doing what you do, you’re doing a kick-ass job at it.
Hi Heather, I’m so sorry someone said or did something to hurt you. Sometimes people just don’t THINK!! I have to hope that they didn’t really mean it and were just trying to “help.”
We are all here for you!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Princess Pickle =-.
I am so sorry for whatever happened that prompted this post. I can’t for the life of me imagine anyone being unkind to you (with that being their purpose). Sometimes, I open my big mouth and am shocked by what jumps out – still doing it occasionally at 57 years old. Taking the breath before speaking is something that I will work on from here.
I pray for you and Mike and your family each day . I also hope that your friend who has hurt you will read your post and learn a little something about herself (or himself). Friends are so important in our lives.
Thinking of you,
The interesting thing about losing a friend like that is that you often find out that you have about five more that you didn’t know you had. That’s what happened to me when my son died and then again when my husband got sick (and died). Friends that we didn’t know we had came out of the woodwork. Those? Will not make up the hurt. But it softens the blow some to be surrounded, no, shrouded in love.
Much love to you.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Rare, part 2. =-.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
.-= Ashleigh´s last blog ..Medical Mystery. =-.
My husband constantly teases me for the amount of friends I have and people I know (I guess that’s what happens when you live in the same place for the majority of your life). And like you, I’ve had to learn time and time again to take that breath…to think before I speak. I still struggle with it every day. I’ve learned a tool that’s been particularly useful that maybe some of your friends should take into account: When in doubt (over whether or not to say or do something), don’t do or say ANYTHING. That little rule of thumb has saved my ass more than once. Hopefully some of those thoughtless people will learn this sooner than later!
.-= Notesfromthegrove´s last blog ..Schmingle Girl Files: The Case of the Wasp’s Nest =-.
I don’t even want to believe that a “friend” would say something misguided to you at this time, if so I am sorry! God Bless.
Courtney in New York
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Giveaway, Weekend Wrap-Up, Chocolate Martini Recipe all in ONE! =-.
My dearest sweetest Heather. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this sort of thing on top of everything else you’ve been through. You would think, all things considered, that people would be more careful what they say to you and be more aware of how their actions might hurt you. Unfortunately common sense is not so common.
Wishing my princess wand worked to magically take away all the bad things you have (and are) going through.
Bil & I love you guys so much, and if you need anything you know we’re always here.
Hugs and smooches to you, Mike, and Rigby. And angel kisses for Maddie.
.-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..Crackers =-.
This is so very true…I’ve struggled with this with a friend from college that I just recently reunited with. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone….I have to tell myself that they are the one with the problem and try and let it go.
99% of the good is a pretty awesome hit rate. I’m sorry that the other 1% must have reared its ugly head.
As always, in awe of your strength and grace. Your incredible honesty. I like to think that if we’d ever meet I could fit into that 99% – you’re an incredible inspiration.
Hugs and love to you, Mike and Rigby.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Napping with daddy =-.
I’m glad you have such a gift for making, and being, friends. I know I’m a better person for it.
Your ability to speak eloquently on the situation astounds me, once again. I’d be full of swear words and incoherent sentences.
Like this: Some people, gah. I can’t even explain, F*CK. People really piss me off sometimes.
I love and adore you and I’ve always got your back.
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..Another Week =-.
okay good. everyone else has been so eloquent and i’m all *fists up* who do I need to ass kick.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Whispers =-.
I have to agree with Dawn. My first thought was, okay who needs an ass kicking. Cause I’ve so got your back.
I think people forget that words have power. And that you can say, oh I didn’t mean that, I was…whatever. But? If you put it out there, it’s hard to take back. I try to think before I speak (and type) but it’s a hard thing to learn.
Anyway, I think you are amazing and I can’t wait to meet you next week. And my ass kicking charges are always waived for you if you need them.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..I’ll take a little random with my random, please =-.
I hate to admit I’ve been the one who’s let down a friend, not with my words, but with my lack of action. Thankfully we are in the process of reconnecting and I am very aware now how saying or doing, or not doing, can effect a friendship. It’s hard to be a great friend, but it’s worth it.
I’m so sorry you were hurt, again. It’s awful, but I hope you can work things our with your friend or find a way to put it out of your mind and not worry about it.
I haven’t commented lately either, but I have still been checking in regularly and thinking of you often.
Amber Mc says:
I’m very sorry you’ve been hurt.
Today marks a 2 year anniversary for a childhood friend that lost their little 2 year old. Of course, I’m at a loss of what I can do. Have you ever considered writing a post about what we-who-cannot-comprehend can/should do/say for a grieveing parent?
.-= Amber Mc´s last blog ..He didn’t get this crap from me, that’s for sure. =-.
Well, the last time I was here, I suggested that maybe I would start commenting with stories of my day and such, so that maybe I could offer you some small distraction. Of course, I hope that what I wrote wasn’t offensive to you, but I’m still determined to contribute more to you here than I sometimes feel like I contribute by way of my condolences.
So, here goes. I’m soliciting bids/proposals to design/develop my new site at TasteStopping and egads! the first one in, was maybe 4-5 times what I had budgeted. However, I know that the design firm is on the ball and totally “gets” what my vision. I sat there, torn, undecided as to what to think.
After reading that proposal late in the night (as soon as it came into my inbox), and feeling my spirits sink a bit when I saw the final number, I made a bargain with myself. I clicked “check for email” one last time and said if there was something new there, I would take it as a sign to go ahead with developing the new site.
As the email server checked for new email, I then said to myself “Now that was stupid, because of course you know that the answer is going to be no. No new emails.”
And wouldn’t you know it. There was a new email in my inbox. So now what do I do?
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Blueberry crisp; photo not =-.
Wow, Casey, what is the matter with you? Sell your crap elsewhere. This is not the time or the place.
It’s OK, Casey is my friend and I LOVE her cookies and baked goods!
Wow, Heather, thank you. I am sitting here in tears, thinking that I may have possibly been inappropriate. That is the last thing I wanted. I just don’t want to visit here and leave you any more depressed or lost than when I showed up. Whether this comment did that, or previous comments have done that when all I could do was say how sorry I am…well I apologize. I wasn’t selling anything, I was just telling you about something that happened to me, something that might be outside of the grief that you face everyday. My hope was that it would feel like more of a connection, a flow of two people’s lives, and less like I am coming here and simply taking from you all the time.
Laura, I understand you are trying to protect Heather, but I’m not sure you needed to lash out at me like that. If you read my comment from her previous post, you would see that I am just struggling to offer her something, anything that might ease her burden in some small way.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Poached pear; a pair of reproaches =-.
You will probably believe this, but after my 3rd miscarriage, a good “friend,” and I mean GOOD, said, “It’s so good you’re having miscarriages because there’s something really wrong with your babies, that your body keeps getting rid of them.”
She left me with my mouth hanging open.
Oh. My. God. That is seriously WRONG. I’m so sorry.
Alexandra – I KNOW! I actually had a lady tell me last week that it would be “great if we were pregnant together with another one of her friends, because the miscarriage rate is around one in three, and since you’ve (meaning me) have had 4 miscarriages then at least i would know my baby would live.
Took all my heart to take that breath and walk away. But the tears sure flowed hard and fast when i got out of her view.
HEather, so sorry you’ve been hurt again. Its an awful world sometimes. xo
.-= Tam´s last blog ..I have a friend =-.
kymberli q. says:
Tam…you too are a better woman than I am! I would have lashed out at that lady like no other. I am soooo sorry for your loss.
I hope whatever situation caused you to write this post works itself out. I’ve said things as a kid, teen & adult that has hurt people or offended them by acting/speaking before I think. I’d like to think I get better with age.
This post has a great message. I’m sorry it stemmed from your hurting.
CANNOT believe that Casey at 7:34 am is selling her stuff on here, how incredible.
People will continue to shock the crap out of me.
Lindsay from Florida says:
Glad to hear I’m not the only one who was put off by that.
It’s OK, Casey is my friend and it’s OK with me if she talks about her yummy yummy business!
Sorry, Heather….my heartfelt apologies.
When it comes to you, I just want to put my arms around you and protect you from anything that can hurt you…
Glad it wasn’t what I thought it was….
Lindsay from Florida says:
Lady Lemon says:
Oh dear. Sounds like you are having a problem with someone? If so, that totally sucks and I am sorry.
I feel you on the friendship thing. I don’t have large numbers of friends, but the ones I do are very close and I expect a lot from them, but I’m also very willing to do my part too. I really hurts when someone lets you down.
.-= Lady Lemon´s last blog ..So, Instead I Post =-.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
As someone who used to react instead of respond to things I totally get the ‘take a breath concept’
I am so sorry that you have had more heaped onto your already overwhelmed emotional plate. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..On My Way =-.
Kristi F says:
I have never lost a child and hope I never do. My brother died at the age of 50 due lung cancer caused by Agent Orange exposure in Viet Nam. Yes, he was 50, had lived 50 years doing fun and wonderful things. He was only 50. My dear, sweet mom outlived her son. She was crushed to say the least to lose her child. People, friends, said thoughtless things like, “at least he made it home from Viet Nam and lived his life.” But to us, those who loved him, 50 was too young to die. When our friends said things that caused our breath to catch and our hearts to ache we tried to remember that they thought they were being helpful not hurtful.
I hope, in spite of whatever pain your friend caused you to suffer, that you can look at the friendship and recognize that it might have been an accidental hurt. I think we have all been guilty of unintentionally hurting someone at some point in our lives.
I am sorry that people say and do things that cause your burden to be heavier than it already is.
Miss Grace says:
This is wise advice for any friend.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Wonderful reminder, Heather. Even lessons like that, that we all should have learned in childhood, don’t always get remembered. Especially in the hustle and bustle of daily life.
I remember being humbled by the fact that you have a zillion friends when I met you, and even more humbled by the fact that pretty much every one of your friends considers you one of their BEST friends.
It’s a special kind of person who can pull that off. You deserve the kinds of friends who are as kind and thoughtful as you are – and amazingly, wonderfully, you seem to have found so very many of them.
Love you, girl.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..BlogHer Bound =-.
When I was 28 I found out very unexpectedly that I have a condition that makes it impossible for me to have my own children. This was unbelievably painful and I grieved mostly inwardly, but outwardly there were some signs to close friends and family. I too have a big group of friends. Around this time my friends began getting pregnant, most of them could just blink and be pregnant, it was just that easy. Some friends were very sensitive – it still brings tears to my eyes to remember how carefully and lovingly my best friend handled telling that she too was pregnant (2 other close friends were at the time already). But there was this one friend, who just really did not step up to the plate at all. When I was around she would blissfully go on and on and on about her pregnancy, how wonderful it was, etc. I was dying inside, and I never said anything to her, but I have to be honest that I’ve never really forgiven her.
In my younger years I could be quite the chatter box, and I’m sure I’ve hurt some feelings not meaning to. Going through the painful experience of infertility has really made me learn that sometimes you just need to shut up and listen, and to think about what others are going through before blabbering on. I really feel this has been an important lesson for me. Thank you for bringing this up today.
Lots of love as always.
Keri Ann says:
Very well written.
In my experiences with life I have learned that life is too short to have to deal with crappy friends and family~and believe me there’s some doozies out there! Just surround yourself with those other 99%! They’ll be there for you.
Creepy Mommy says:
Like others, I too have been guilty of being a total douche to a friend. The only thing you can do in that situation is give a heartfelt apology, hope that they can forgive you and if you’re lucky, move forward in your friendship. I was lucky because I was forgiven, I hope whoever hurt you asks for forgiveness.
I can’t imagine everything you go through, Heather, every single day. I’m so sorry for your loss. You have an amazing support system and so many people send their prayers, hugs and love for you, Mike and Maddie.
.-= Creepy Mommy´s last blog ..the girl in the gold bikini =-.
My first thought and strongest hope as I read this was “please, oh please, may it not have been me.”
There is a danger in trying to be here and participate in reaching out to you, that we might say something based in love that is hurtful instead of helpful.
Especially tough for those of us who have not met you, don’t get to see and hug you in person, to know whether what we’re doing and saying is what you want or need from us.
If I’m in that 1%, please know that any hurt given was unintentional and was misguided rather than malicious. And if (thankfully) not, here I am in the 99%, hoping we can drown out the others and wash them away from you with waves of our love.
.-= Della´s last blog ..Not Me! Monday – Early Edition =-.
I have a friend who has done this so many times over the years that I don’t talk to her anymore. I may be sensitive, as she says, but someone that loves you should love you how you are, and be careful with your heart.
It’s hard when you don’t receive the same respect that you give.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..The List =-.
I have found myself feeling the same way, so much that I went to see a therapist about it. She assured me that I am not overly sensitive, and that the things said to me were rude and hurtful and insensitive. She suggested I speak up next time some one said anything like that. I used the phrase, “that was rude.”
And , guess what, the told me I had hurt their feelings, WTF????
I am so sorry that someone close to you would/could disappoint you in this way. Unfortunately, life changes, tradedy, etc sometimes show people’s true colors.
I hope it helps you to know that you have many people *IRL* and in the web world that love you and support you! We are here for you.
Much love, Jenn in CA
Aaron's Mama says:
You’re in my thoughts everyday.
Spoken like a true friend…
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Happy 8 Month Birthday!! =-.
Redneck Mommy says:
Sometimes the people who love us the most hurt us the worst.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing.
I only wish I could master the art of forgiveness or the art of keeping my damn yap shut.
I’m still working on both.
.-= Redneck Mommy´s last blog ..Proof Positive That I’m Super Bendy =-.
I am a long time reader who doesn’t comment much. I lost my husband 1 1/2 years ago suddenly in his sleep. I had 2 very best friends who vowed to “be there” for me in any way possible. They tried. They really did. But we had an aweful argument and stopped being friends over a year ago. But you know what? Even though I lost the friendship two of my most dearest friends in the world so soon after losing my husband, I realized afterwards that I was better off. Some things that they have said and did since my husband passed were inexcusable, but I made excuses for them because I loved them. But when it came down to it, I was better off without them and could instead focus on people who truly knew how to be a friend. In my grief support group I have found a similar theme for all of us who have had such profound losses in our lives…they are usually followed by loss of friends as well.
Hang in there Heather.
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Summer Fun =-.
Oh, this makes me so sad. I cannot believe how awful human beings can be to one another.
Very sad. Your loss was huge enough , without it being mutiplied.
The nice thing about having such good friends who would drop anything for you and do anything for you is that you know they have nothing but love for you. And even if they inadvertently hurt you, you know deep inside that you can forgive it because they’d never knowingly do something that hurt you.
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..My review of Bruno (spoiler-free) =-.
Debbie K. says:
Great advice, Heather. Thanks for reminding us as we do forget that words can hurt.
((Hugs)) – thinking about you and Mike everyday.
.-= Debbie K.´s last blog ..Lightning McQueen (aka Jerryn Hayes)!!! =-.
I’m sorry you’ve had more hurt added to your full plate, Heather. I hope the 99% can buoy you up a bit. I read every post of yours and all the comments, and think you have a pretty terrific 99% going on there.
Jessica Gottlieb says:
Oh no. I have been that friend. It’s really terrible when you talk and then think. Frankly, that’s something I do a lot of.
I guess I see myself on both ends, and totally ungraceful both ways.
.-= Jessica Gottlieb´s last blog ..I Want A Baby =-.
I’m sorry someone hurt you. I hope you guys work it out.
.-= Trish´s last blog ..It’s educational, because I didn’t know Maleficent was British =-.
It’s a terrible feeling to be let down by someone we care about. And, it’s also a terrible feeling to say something to hurt someone and wish we could take it back.
It’s those that say hurtful things and don’t take it back or don’t realize it that I have the hardest time with.
I made a grave error when I was young by saying the “wrong thing” and I’ve tried ever since to really think before I speak — especially with friends. I hope I’m able to do that most of the time and if I don’t, at least recognize it.
It’s hard being a human being sometimes.
I’m sorry someone used hurtful words with you. I hope they realize it.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..BlogHer fashion panic… =-.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..An Endlessly Fascinating Tattoo =-.
My hubbs always tells me that friends are too much work, because I am really sensitive…and tend to get my feelings hurt a lot more than most, I am sure.
I understand this post. I understand how this feels, because I love friends. I love making them, keeping them, being there for them…and unfortunately it isn’t always a two way street. =(
I am sorry.
.-= Evonce´s last blog ..Food Review and Giveaway: Yogurt Stop =-.
I know we haven’t been friends for THAT long considering your long friend track record (like those girls from elementary school! wow!!) I just want to send you love and hugs.
I also want to tell you that as a Sagittarius I say stupid things sometimes and hurt people when I don’t mean to. Just FYI. Snort.
.-= VDog´s last blog ..Because We Cant Put This Off Any Longer THE PARTY PIMPAGE POST!!!! =-.
I am another one of your “stranger friends” . As I have read your blog I can only explain your grief as one of the deepest I have ever seen. The one thing that keeps coming to me is that while Maddie was alive you also loved her as one of the deepest I have ever seen. Please tuck that into your heart that she did know she was loved SO much. In regards to your last blog I am also one who is working on what I say. I know sometimes with me that it is nervous chatter and is not meant to casuse harm however I do know that there are people outthere who do intend harm. There’s a log being kept, God looks at the heart.
Tina Hosko says:
Sorry your friend didn’t watch her mouth. I can bitch slap her if you want
Thank you for reminding me how to be a good friend. I am one of those people who has a big mouth. I am positive I have said things that have hurt my friends, and it makes me sick. I have learned over the years to be far more cautious. I hope you told your friend how her words hurt you. If not, she may never learn. Maybe you could send her a Maple Mustangs report card?
Hello, partner in the shitterverse……let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do….sorry you’re having a tough time.
I think some of my so called “friends” think I died instead of Gregory…..cause they sure are quiet and not “here for me anytime you need me” and all that jazz.
I am being snarky and cynical today and I’m sorry, but I know you get it. Back to my cave now.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..100 Things Divided by 4 =-.
Kathryn in Berlin says:
Not to take away from your post, but I just had to come on here and say I just saw the most beautiful sunset. The prettiest I’ve seen in a long time. The sky was purple, yes purple, with tinges of pink..simply beautiful. Made me think of your Maddie and wishing I could write the name Maddie in the sky with diamonds or amethysts (since they’re purple)
.-= Kathryn in Berlin´s last blog ..What do you want to be when you grow up? And hospital visit number two =-.
I’ve never posted before but I’ve been reading you for a while and found you through Kim (simply me) who is a friend. Most of the time I read your site I just sit at my desk and cry and cry and then go squeeze my son until he squirms. But since the conversation seems to have turned to the horrible things people we love have said, I will share mine.
After we lost our baby girl pretty far into the pregnancy my dad called me a few months after it happened and said “I was going to send a card and I was trying to find a nice scripture to quote but after looking and talking with the [clergy of his church] I guess Natalie didn’t have a soul and won’t have an afterlife after all so there wasn’t a scripture I could put in there.”
.-= Holly´s last blog ..High Blood Sugar, Child Abuse and Patriotism =-.
Didn’t have a soul? ? !!!!
Sorry, but I just had to comment on this one. I guess it’s not everyone’s belief, but wow, to say that to someone who just lost a child… what a thoughtless and cruel comment. Some things, even if they are your beliefs, are better left unsaid. If they won’t uplift or help a person through their grief, then it simply shouldn’t be said.
And by the way, I believe that as soon as that little one is conceived, he or she is given a soul.
God bless all of you out there who have lost children, no matter how small; in utero, 1 minute old, 2 days old, 17 months old — whatever age. Our children simply are not supposed to go before us, and it’s sooooo unfair when they do
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Sugar & Spice? =-.
Hmm…how strange, especially since the bible says that a child exists at conception, when GOD breathes his soul into him, giving him life at that point.
So, GOD’s very breath is breathed into us by HIM, and that isn’t a soul? That is as solid a soul as you can have, whether you live 1 minute, or 100 years. You’ve lived with God’s breath in you, and you have had a life.
We’re told to not let the length of our days be the measure of our life, because clearly, any amount of time lived with God’s breath in us, is a life. Our life.
So much wisdom and insight I receive when i come to your site, which is daily.
Thank you for your post.
I was starting to get frustrated with my sister who’s 4th engagement has just ended (this guy was psycho). I have always been her ears, source of comfort, and been available anytime she needed me. However, now that I have my own child, my husband and I have come to a realization that my family are life suckers and they always leave me drained and frustrated. Today, i really was at a point of wanting to write them off for a while, even my sister who really depends a lot on me (she’s my older sister too).
Your post helped me to sit in her shoes and see what she was going through and it brought back the empathy I needed.
Thanks Heather, you are a great source of strength and wisdom! I think of you and your precious Maddie daily and look forward to her videos!
My prayers are sent to you and Mike!
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..I take it all back…. =-.
Heather – I am sorry that you have this to deal with now. Isn’t it amazing that the 1% always turns out to be the last you would expect?
My youngest son was born with a very rare genetic syndrome that we were unaware of the entire pregnancy. I went through his first year in a fog filled with specialist and therapy appointments while trying to keep my full time job and raise our two older boys. To say I was overwhelmed and suffering from depression is an understatment.
Our family and friends did rally around us and as someone else here said before, I was amazed at the kindness of those I didn’t know so well (a meal, an offer to babysit so we could be in the NICU, etc).
I never expected a friend of 20 years to be the one to disappear…only to get an email months later “explaining” her absence by lamenting about her job and needing to move. I remember screaming at my computer, “Are you f’ing kidding? I would kill to have that by MY biggest issue.” Needless to say, I never replied to the email for fear of what I would say and have never heard from her again.
You don’t need whoever is making you feel this way – you’ve got the other 99%. And from what I read here, your IRL friends rock.
j in ct
This is great advice for everyone. I too always try and take a breath before speaking. Im sorry for whatever prompted this Heather.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..My cornea has HERPES. Heh. =-.
I’m not a “friend” persay. But I have cried with you Heather.
My husband and I lost our youngest son last summer. So many days I read your words and it’s exactly how I am feeling. Exactly where I am at even a year later. Today is the one year anniversary of our sons death. My husband and I went and bought the most beautiful tree for him this morning. And when I got home I reached for my phone and had to think before I dialed. Friends that I would have called prior to my son s’ death? I can’t call them now. I can’t lean on them or trully tell them where I am at in this grief process. It makes them cringe if I speak his name. As if me speaking it is a personal insult to them. What they don’t seem to realize is that I don’t need them to say anything. I just to be allowed to be me. I just need to be allowed to go through this process without their judgements.
Heather? You will lose friends through this. All I can offer you is the hope that you will also make new, amazing friendships through this. Losing our son has shown my husband and I who our true friends are. And has shown us new friendships that were right under our noses all along.
I am sorry that you are hurting from your friends words. I just had to step back and realize that not everyone knows how to deal with the tough things in life. Some people just really suck at it. And I don’t think it means they don’t care…..perhaps they just are not ready to be the kind of friend you really need right now.
I hurt with you and I wish I could take just a little bit of your pain away.
.-= Kristy´s last blog ..I can’t remember =-.
kymberli q. says:
I’m sorry you couldn’t call your friends, Kristy. I’m sorry for your loss.
Lex ~ @laprimera says:
Sending you a big hug. And a heartfelt I’m sorry. I often say stupid things when nervous or even to fill awkward silences and have had foot in mouth disease. And I hope you and the friend you are speaking of had an unfortunate kind of interaction rather than a malicious one. Otherwise, I offer to join up with the ass-kicking posse. xoxo
Dude. I’ll cut a bitch for you.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Amelia’s Grace =-.
I’m so sorry that someone in your life has added to the stress and sadness that you are feeling.
I think of you and Mike daily and wish I lived nearby to lend an ear in person.
I’m glad you have this blog as your outlet, and I check in on you daily. I can’t get enough Maddie stories.
Heather, I am so very sorry that you and Mike were hurt by the thoughtless words of someone close to you. I too, hope the comment was made out of ignorance and foot-in-mouth disease rather than malice. I think and pray for your family daily and I wish there was more that I could do.
your stranger friend,
.-= Ashleigh´s last blog ..Medical Mystery. =-.
I have no idea what was said but I am so sorry that this happened. It’s so difficult to go through, even more so when people say things that drive you batty or upset you.
I think of you guys daily and say a prayer for you both every night.
Love Always –
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Unintended Collateral Damage =-.
Karen Sugarpants says:
I have been on both sides of this and it hurts no matter where you are in it. Friendship is complicated sometimes. I hope you guys work it out.
.-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..We Never Have Any Fun Around These Here Parts =-.
.-= rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Crispy Baked Salsa Chicken =-.
Sounds like you are having a rough day, Heather. Here’s hoping it was all a big misunderstanding and that your friend is able to make up for his or her hurtful actions.
When our twins were born 11 weeks ago and our son Oliver died after 12 hours, someone very close to me said “Well, it will be much easier only having one child at your house, don’t you think?” I was too stunned to reply and this is the first time I’m repeating those incredibly stupid and insensitive words. I think this person was just trying to fill in the silence and say something “comforting” even though it obviously had the opposite result.
.-= Danny´s last blog ..Surgery Update =-.
I read this comment and my jaw dropped. While it may have been a well intentioned sentiment said out of not knowing what to say, the lack of tact and compassion is ridiculous.
So sorry for your loss, Danny.
That was an awful thing to say to someone who just lost a twin Classis example of trying to fill the silence. Better to be quiet and hug someone than to say something so cruel.
I’ve had my share of people saying stupid things to me during a particularly hard time I was going through. Not many of them were close to me, which is a good thing. I know it hurts so much more when they are people who are close to you.
Many years ago my pefectly normal and healthy 4 year old was in an awful car accident. Her head was hit so hard that she almost died. After months in the hospital, she was finally released for outpatient care. She had a severe brain injury that left her unable to walk, talk, think clearly, and she couldn’t move the right side of her body. Her face sagged. She looked and acted mentally and physically handicapped. My heart was broken. One day I ventured out to our little neighborhood park and let her sit and play in the sand for a while. Even though she was 4 years old and should be building sand castles or swinging on the swings, all she could do at that time was sit in the sand and sift it through the fingers on her left hand. So my neighbor was at the park at the same time, and while watching my daughter sift through the sand, she turned and said to me, “She’s so cute! You know, she could always be those Target adds! They use handicapped kids all the time in their adds.” I just remembered how awful that comment made me feel. Now, the thing is, I think it’s great that Target uses all kinds of kids in their adds — boys, girls, different races, different abilities. But at the time it was only a few months ago that my daughter wasn’t hurt like she was. I was still in the process of mourning what had happened to her. I wasn’t ready for someone to tell me something like that. And not too long after that park day while in the mall a man came up to me to tell me that I should get a dog for my daughter. “Dogs are good for those kinds of kids.” he said. That hurt to hear, too. Maybe had it been a year or two or three later those two comments would have been received better, but at the time I just wanted to tell them to bug off and mind their own damn business.
I don’t know. People just don’t think sometimes, or they think they are being helpful with their comments. I try really, really hard to think before I speak. Sometimes if you aren’t sure what to say, it’s best just to smile or give someone a hug and just keep your words to yourself.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Sugar & Spice? =-.
DesignHER Momma says:
I’m sorry that this has happened. The pain of hurt feelings (especially with people we love and trust) is one of the worst feelings I know.
I grew up with 5 women under one roof, and now I have 4 additional sister-in-laws.
Having so many close family and friends who are female, I’ve learned a few things about relationships – they are complex and messy.
I believe, If we’re going to live life together, be there for each other, challenge each other, love each other – there will inevitably be times we will hurt each other, because we are all human.
Hurting each other sucks huge. But I have to believe that the hard times might be minor in comparison to the time where we love.
Heather, you are the only one that can determine if this is a relationship you want to invest yourself and your life in.
I really pray that whatever was done/said can be resolved. Because good friends are hard to find.
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..She can sleep if she wants to… =-.
Scary Mommy says:
I wish that you never had to deal with another ounce of pain. You’ve had enough to last you a lifetime.
.-= Scary Mommy´s last blog ..I took 1,973 pictures of my children on vacation and all I got was this lousy blog post =-.
I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for whatever happened with your friend that has hurt you. You have experienced more hurt than anyone ever should. I know we will never have the opportunity to meet (unless we both go to DG convention) but I do think of you as I think of my friends-and I think most of your blog readers feel the same way.
Not that this would ease the pain but I wish I could somehow be there to make you cake.
My friends and I have a kind of love/hate relationship because I cook when I feel tense and I make them eat what I have made. They always love what I cook but it is not, how you say, diet friendly.
Sending virtual hugs
lisa wood says:
Heather, Sometimes we just don’t know what to say, and sometimes it can all come out wrong. Hoping that is the case this time, and it can be fixed so that you can remember all the wonderful people that love you, cry for you and just want to hug you. Remember 1% is so little and 99% is so much bigger….we hope and pray that is not anything any of us have said here (including myself) or any of your closest friends…and if so I apologize from the bottom of my heart and then some more.
Hope you can brush the 1% careless thought/saying away for good. Remember the 99% of remarks and hold them closer to you and Mike. We are all not sure how/what/when or the right thing to say….cause in this world sometimes there is not always a right thing to say.
But know this, through your blog, through your sharing and your strong character…you, Maddie and Mike will always be thought of and love will always be sent your way.
Please accept my thoughts, my tears and my prays for your precious Maddie…
May she never ever be forgotten….every time I see purple (where ever I am) i automatically think of Sweet Maddie…
Love you guys across the ocean and more.
.-= lisa wood´s last blog ..Cute Kids =-.
I am always touched by your eloquent posts, Heather, and I can really relate to this one in particular. After two really painful losses (our baby and my father), I’ve also experienced hurtful responses from friends as well as friends who have distanced themselves from me. What you have been through is unimaginable, and I am so sorry that the 1% has caused you pain. You are a wise, talented and compassionate person; your many friends are so fortunate.
Some friends really suck sometimes hey! I was always one to open my trap too quickly but over the years I have learnt to think before I speak. And I usually think long and hard if someone has said hurtful things… I then approach it in a very calm way, and the rudest of people will soon know they have done wrong.
Hope it all works out!
This post really explains how I have been feeling myself lately. I am having issues with people who supposedly care about me telling me things that totally hurt my feelings. What do you do when you are related to them? Ugh. But I’m sorry you are having problems yourself. I hope you can get it worked out.
Hey, why can’t I subscribe to your blog via Google Reader? I click on the RSS sign, and it says error and won’t let me. If it’s not in my reader, I forget to click over to read!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Can You Die from Moritification? =-.
Tracy Summers says:
Not knowing what to say….other than you are in my thoughts tonight and every night since I started reading your blog months ago. Huggs from Huntington, TX
well, i consider you my friend and you haven’t even seen the size label in my phat-ass pants.
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..this is what grief looks like =-.
For today I’m just going to stay quiet and send hugs your way.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..I appreciate… =-.
Sometimes, people are just stupid.
When my mother died, I spent 6 hours watching her suffocate to death, doing everything I could to keep her alive and comfortable. Needless to say, I failed.
My brother walked in, minutes after she died (of course), and said ‘This is what we’ve been waiting for’. I almost punched him.
Took a day or two to get over that. Finally, I just realized some people can’t be quiet, so they say whatever wanders into their pea brains, and out their big mouths.
Try not to hold it against them. But, if you can’t do that, for your own peace of mind, try to forget it. It’ll drive you nuts.
So sorry to read this post and hoping the majority of your friends are there and pulling and thinking about you and your loss.
Having been through two devastating losses I have come to realize that the initial responses are wonderful and to be kept, treasured.
And that some dear friends have no idea how to comfort and share the pain… And yes, sometimes like all of us they screw up Hoping it is a simple case of misunderstanding, soon to be rectified and smoothed out..
We never really know anyone. There is always some surprise in the mix. The issue will be whether the infraction is forgiveable on your end.
Some peole have really terrible timing when they choose to be an asshole.
kymberli q. says:
Wow. After reading Heather’s entry and many of your others, I cannot believe some of the stupid things people say. I try not to curse that often and especially not on blogs, but I do feel that I need to say that there are some real ASSHOLES out there! Makes me so angry for some of you who had to deal with something like that! God bless all of you ladies!
I’m posting again-
Just wanted to share with you a pretty dumb/insensitive statement my mother in law said when we told her I was pg with baby # 2.
“One grandchild is enough”
Lucky for her she said this over the phone, otherwise I probably would have hurled something at her.
I sincerely hope that this person that hurt you, will realize this and apologize to you. May not make things better, but hopefully it will help some.
.-= Kathryn´s last blog ..What do you want to be when you grow up? And hospital visit number two =-.
One grandchild is enough? That’s an awful thing to say. Maybe when she visits you can be sure to only let her see the one grandchild and the others will be off limits to her. Or at Christmastime instead of sending her a family photo in the Christmas card, just send a snapshot of her “one” grandchild. And just “one” gift from that “one” grandchild, etc.
One grandchild is enough….
I never heard of such a thing!
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Sugar & Spice? =-.
I hope the hurtful comments were due to ignorance and not unkindness.
Thinking of you and your family every day, Heather.
.-= J.´s last blog ..All the World’s A Stage =-.
Thinking of you every day Heather. Rockin’ my purple eyeshadow everyday.
(((HUGS))) from your stanger friend in Florida
My situation is so different so my thoughts probably do not apply. When Jude was in the hospital, and they gave us the official diagnosis people had no idea what to say. Still to this date I hear words that make them feel better, but do little for me. In addition to that they sometimes say things that are devastating to me, but I try to remember they just don’t know any better. I will hope this is a case they just didn’t know any better, vs someone just making a jack a$$ out of themselves. Hang in there. Ps ~ I give myself 100% in friendships, and generally get hurt too.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..A night awake =-.
On an unrelated matter I have felt the same way as you are right now recently. Friendship is often a double edged sword. For me at least 50% of the time. Your 99% succses rate is truly laudable.
.-= Kate´s last blog ..The world feels like its tumbling: Why I miscarried =-.
Tara in The Fort says:
I’m so sorry that some of your friends have turned out to not be “friends” after all. It’s too bad that certain life circumstances bring out the worst in people when they should be offering their best. I have recently been victim of that so I understand that shocked feeling, although my situation is different. I am so happy to hear for you that you have many more friends that have your back and are there to support and love you both unconditionally. Hold tight to those dear friends and let them hold tight to you and love you through this.
.-= Tara in The Fort´s last blog ..Braces. =-.
((((hugs )))) lots and lots of hugs- wish I could do more
My loss isn’t even on the same scale of pain as yours. Two months ago I miscarried our first baby at 7 weeks, 5 days. Sometimes I think I’m getting much better, and then I have days where I break down and get really angry. I think these feelings get repressed too often because they’re not “polite.” But I’m slowly realizing that feelings of anger, resentment, etc. are completely normal and part of this process for me. Thank you for continuing to write about what it’s like for you. It helps more than you could know.
P.S. I hope my baby has met up with Maddie in Heaven. I bet they’d have a blast together.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Gone baby, gone =-.
A very good friend of mine lost her first child before we met. By the time we became friends, she’d had her second child, and then we had the next babies (her third, my second) four days apart. To me, those children were her first and second. I rarely thought about the boy, her first one, that I had never met except around the anniversary of his death when she would get very quiet and pensive and mention going out to the cemetery. I’m certain I said some spectacularly stupid things to her in the course of our day-to-day conversations about kids, life, etc. I can’t imagine the pain (well, I *can* imagine it… but I suspect it’s worse than anything my brain can conceive) of losing a child, and from my perspective she was a happy, carefree, mom of two. I guess my point is… some are better at empathy than others, and your memory will be marked in a way others’ memories won’t be. I’m sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. Don’t let those short on empathy get away with it. I wish my friend had set me straight sooner. She deserved more than I gave her.
Heather, I truly hope that this post was prompted by someone’s ignorance and not malice or cruelty towards your feelings. I read your post every day and love your writing style. So eloquently said! Thinking of you and sending you and Mike hugs! XX
I’ve been reading your blog for months, but I’ve never left a comment before… however, this post really touched me and the pain I feel for you is so incredibly raw and real.
Someone said something extremely insensitive to me a few months after a little boy I babysat for passed away from cancer. I was devastated when it happened, and still grieve over 3 years later. (I don’t claim to know what it’s like to lose a child, but I definitely felt this loss deeply in my heart). Almost all of my close friends attended Liam’s services, except for one. A few months later, she asked how I was doing in an email. When I told her that I was doing well, she responded, “Oh good, I’m glad you’re getting over that little boy.” She didn’t even use his name… just “that little boy”. I was shocked and so very hurt. I know that this is nothing at all, a drop in the bucket, compared to your loss, but I just wanted to share that story… even though I have not experienced what you have, I still attempt to empathize with you…
I think of your beautiful family daily… and I certainly hope that your friend someday realizes the severity of what happened, so that he/she can be sure to never do it again.
.-= Kristen´s last blog ..Organize and Excite! =-.
I cannot believe the crap some people have said to the commenters on this post. What the HELL?? Who the heck asked their awful “friends”/relatives to throw their in their shoddy, rusted two cents? I am so sorry and am still just HORRIFIED at the things people have said to grieving mothers, wives, etc.
I think the advice someone gave to say “that was rude” is a good idea. If, a”friend”/relative has the gall to make a thoughtless, hurtful comment,e, then tell them… “you were rude when you said xxxxxx”. People seriously need to be called out on their crap and they need to apologize. If it’s a good friend, they will probably do so, and if not, don’t bother with them.
hugs, huge hugs and appreciation for your candor, your gracious honesty.
.-= jana´s last blog ..In your heart =-.
It’s hard, those who haven’t experienced our loss (our exact loss- the loss of a child) can’t connect with our grief and they say/ do the wrong things. I have a pregnant friend who has cut me out of her life because I lost my son- maybe she thinks pregnancy loss is contagious or maybe she thinks that being around her is too hard for me, who knows. My mom actually said to me I *almost* made her a grandmother. I’ve had my boss tell me “at least you can have another one”, as if having another baby will replace my son. Being babylost sucks, but at least it makes your skin a whole lot tougher.
.-= Funsize´s last blog ..(Not) Telling =-.
You are such a good friend – that much is clear in your posts and on twitter! Now you need your friends more than ever. We’re always here, sending you strength and love. (Hugs)
I’m so sorry you are hurting. more than you are already hurting. hugs, Heather. I can’t wait to give you a REAL one.
.-= ali´s last blog ..when it rains, it pours. and apparently, the old man sleeps. =-.
Two Makes Four says:
You’re lucky you learned this young! It took me until I was well in my 20’s that I “thought before I spoke” and that my words hurt people (and made an ass out of me). Good topic, good post
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..So I Let Them Play with Plastic and Metal =-.
Wow. So much hurt in the universe. *sigh*
I hope the new friendships you’ve gained continue to crowd out any unsatisfactory ones will ill-mannered, or ill-timed, comments.