I’ve mentioned in the past that we co-sleep. We did it with Maddie, and we now do it with Annie. It’s so lovely to have a little warm body to snuggle with. Mike and I love making an Annie Sandwich (with Rigby on top for garnish). Breathing her in, smoothing her hair, watching her sleep, I get so much pleasure from these things.
But now…well, she’s big. And she tosses and turns, which wouldn’t matter so much except she tosses right into us. And when she wakes up, if I’m not awake, she starts climbing things. The other day I woke up to a loud crash. She had somehow climbed onto Mike’s bedside table and had pushed everything off of it. Including the lamp, the phone, and an alarm clock.
So the co-sleeping thing isn’t really working so much anymore. I don’t sleep well because I’m afraid she’s going to wake up and hurt herself.
But here’s the thing. She’s almost ten months old. She is going through the attachment and abandonment phase and well…I can’t deal with it at night. It destroys me to put her down in her crib and feel her grasping at my shirt desperately. It immediately flashes me back to the last time I put Maddie down. I always pick Annie back up and weep into her hair.
Clearly, we both have issues with this arrangement.
I don’t know what to do. I need Annie to be safe. I need to be able to sleep. SHE needs to be able to sleep, but still feel loved.
Help. I am floundering. And exhausted.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
This will depend on how much room you have… can you put her crib hard up against your bed? So that she is sleeping in her own space, but still right next to you?
Just a thought. Best of luck.
Fiona says:
I agree. There’s not going to be a one step solution to this….it will have to be gradual. I think possible a travel cot next to your bed would be the best – she won’t get out of that. Then gradually move it away from your bed, then eventually out of the room. It will take time but hopefully won’t be to traumatic and everyone gets to go to sleep!!! Good luck. Tell us how you get on.
Maddie says:
I’ve never commented before, but the same thing happened with my little brother.
What my mom did was she pushed his crib right next to her bed, then removed the wall of the crib (remove the side that is pushed up against your bed), so the kid is still on the same bed, just in her own ‘space’. She can touch you and cuddle with you and everything, but she has her own space and it gets her used to being in the crib, while at the same time still sleeping with Mommy. Then you slowly add the wall back in, but craftily. First use a small blanket. Then stuffed toys to ‘cuddle’ with, but are really just strategically placed so she can’t roll over them to your bed. Even if the plan fails, you’ll have more space in your bed. Another advantage of this is that if she stays in her space all night, to get out in the morning she has to climb out over you, waking you up.
Of course, your crib has to have one side that folds down. Otherwise this won’t work.
Janet says:
I’ve heard a lot of people just pushing the crib up and then lowering the side, even if the mattress is on it’s lowest when the side goes down you should still have a little “rail” to keep her in but not to much to hurt her getting out
mamaseoul says:
You could put your mattress on the floor so there isn’t far to go if she climbs off.
sarah says:
we put our mattress on the floor and took everything out of the room (I have a climber too!) so it was a “sleep only” space, if you have the room it works pretty well…
Amy says:
I’ll vote for the mattress on the floor routine, too. Safe and simple.
Another option is to have Mike put her to sleep in her crib and leave her to fret for a little while. Let him take charge and be the one to comfort her after a few minutes, only without taking her out of the crib. It’s (a little bit) harsh, but would probably work well after the second night and will probably make things easier for all of you.
mamaseoul says:
Or let her fall asleep in your bed and transfer her after she’s asleep.
When I transitioned my son from co-sleeping it was to a crib in our room so it wasn’t too far for either of us.
chatty cricket says:
agreed- if you’re going to put her in her crib, it’s easier on both of you if you do it when she’s asleep. Let her fall asleep in your bed, even snuggle for a while after she’s asleep so you can get your fix (I do!!), and then transition her. I also LOVE the move the crib next to your bed idea because then you are an arm’s reach away.
I hear you on this, Heather.
CarrieB says:
In my long experience (daughter 22, son 16) kids like to object to change but they also adapt to it pretty easily. So if you tough it out and stick to the same bedtime routine over and over, Annie will understand that this is the way things are going to be and accept it. You will both sleep better eventually and that will be the payoff. I reckon you need to try and crack this BEFORE she walks, or she’ll be wandering round the house all night (though knowing Annie she’ll learn to climb out of her crib eventually, as my son did: another climber)
But it does require you to be tough, and when she cries and clings to you, to remind yourself (and her) “I’m the grown up in this relationship, so I get to decide what happens”.
Good luck Heather sure you’ll crack it eventually.
Sarah says:
I second putting your mattress on the floor or sidecarring the crib. We’re also at the point of needing to babyproof the bedroom since it won’t be long until my son is getting out and about as well. I feel strongly that babies shouldn’t be left to cry and you have all the more reason to snuggle with your little one at night. Best of luck to you!
Elle says:
I think mamaseoul has a really great idea. I was just telling my husband a couple of days ago that I wish they would invent crib rails for “grown-up” beds. Although we don’t co-sleep with our daughter, it’s nice to try and lay down with her on our bed if she’s being extra clingy and doesn’t want to go in her crib.
But then she’s always trying to nose dive off of the bed or dumping out my water bottle that I’ll have on the nightstand. Sorry I don’t have any good ideas.
Cassandra says:
FYI….they do make bedrails for adult beds.
katrina says:
We are co-sleepers. Right now our youngest is 2.5 years and still she sleeps in our bed. She doesn’t even have a bed of her own yet. We don’t mind. They all eventually end up in their own beds. These baby years never come back, , and sleep time is always such a sacred and special time for babies and their mamas. I wouldn’t trade our co-sleeping for anything.
That being said, you still want your baby to be safe. Once they start rolling and moving around, it gets a bit tricky. So you have some choices:
1) get rid of one of the night stands and push your bed up to one side of the wall and have Annie sleep on that side.
2) get rid of the bed frame for a while and put your mattress on the floor
3) let Annie fall asleep next to you and then transfer her into her own crib. If she wakes up crying during the night or early morning, bring her back into your bed…and repeat. (yes, I know…this is tedious and people will think I’m crazy for even suggesting it, but this is what I’ve done with a few of mine)
If you really love co-sleeping, then there are ways around the hazards.
Good luck!
Barbara says:
I love Katrina’s solution suggestions. Just because Annie is an explorer doesn’t mean she doesn’t need the benefits of warmth and closeness with you & Mike while she sleeps. Don’t ignore your instincts! Those needs for you will soon end, and that will be forever.
Paige says:
We did what Katrina suggests, too. We cosleep and we have a climber/explorer. Once, when she was 11 months old, I woke up in the middle of the night because she wasn’t there. She was climbing the cat tree, and was 4 feet up when I found her. GRR! So we made some changes.
We took out the frame and went to mattress and box springs on the floor. We shoved the bed next to a wall, because I’m more likely to wake than he is if she climbs over me to get out. We changed out our night table to a tall dresser – Daddy can still reach the things on it, but unless she stands in front of it, Meg can’t. She certainly can’t climb it! And we only put the alarm clock and the lamp up there, pushed back from the edge.
These were all choices we made because I’m not ready to give up cosleeping yet. I figure she’s only a baby once. Plus, she can climb out of her crib already, so we converted it to a toddler bed for nap time. Either way, I wouldn’t want to put her there overnight until I’m really sure she’ll be safe wandering the house on her own.
Suzie says:
Katrina…I love this, “They all eventually end up in their own beds. These baby years never come back, , and sleep time is always such a sacred and special time for babies and their mamas. I wouldn’t trade our co-sleeping for anything.” With this being said, I agree with many of the other comments. I usually just let my 3 year old fall asleep with me and then transfer her to her own bed. Our 4 year old never wanted to sleep with us, so that was easy. I love it and wouldn’t trade it for anything. But, Heather, I hear ya on wanting her to be safe. Good luck!
Veronika says:
I’m going to vote for not sidecarring the crib (side down), because she’s all over already. It’s going to be super easy for her to climb right out and fall off the bed. We co-sleep on and off with my 10 month old and I can tell you, I don’t get much sleep when she’s in bed with us. She has her own room with her own crib, right off our room. But I’m guessing you want Annie closer. So maybe you can get a pack ‘n play and put it right next to your bed. Maybe having you close and being able to see you or holding your hand will help her fall asleep by herself. That, or you can just scootch her into the pack ‘n play when she’s asleep. The reason I’m not suggesting her whole crib with sides up next to your bed, is because I’ve seen pics of your crib and it looks pretty big and hard to move. If you’re up for the challenge, it could work too.
eliza says:
This is the plan that makes the most sense. You can hang your arm down there so she can feel you and she can stand up and see you but not get out. Pak n Play baby.
Nanette says:
I like these suggestions, too. I was going to suggest the Sleep Easy Solution to get her into her own crib — but that involves some crying-it-out. If you’re not up for that, which is TOTALLY understandable, then the above ideas might be a good solution.
Good luck, mama!
katrina says:
None of mine would ever put up with just my arm hanging over so they can feel me — if they can see me, they want ME, not my arm. They want to snuggle into me. I’ve never had any luck with having them in a crib or Pak n Play when I am sleeping in the same bedroom. I think the thing is, once you pass a certain point and don’t train them as small infants, it just gets harder. And I was never up for the training. But this is a good suggestion. I’m sure it works for many others.
Katie says:
I agree with putting the bed on the floor hard up against the wall. I would then put a trunk or something at the bottom so you know she isn’t going anywhere when you are asleep. Also take everything out of the room so if she does get up there is nothing to hurt her.
I would not even try the crib thing becuase it is not worth the tears for either of you.
best of luck,
Katie
karen says:
We sort of co-sleep still (my daughter is 7 and an artiste at sneaking in!) and space is an issue for me as I end up in the middle!
When she was smaller we did it the other way round than many of the suggestions though. We had a structured routine to put her to bed – bath, cuddle and bottle, story & story tape or music (guitar playing or tape) – then sitting with her in a quiet room, with her in her cot, making sure we were touching her and she knew she wasnt alone until she fell asleep. If she woke up we would go back, settle her down and repeat the falling asleep business. We shared the duty so she didint become too used to it being just one person.
However, when we had gone to bed if she woke up in the night then we would bring her into bed for a while. If we got too hot, crowded or disturbed then we would take her back to her own cot and settle her down. It didnt take long as she was already used to the bedtime routine!
We found that doing it this way was good as we were settling her in her own bed when we were awake to do it and had some energy and patience but she wasnt being left to cry and get distressed in the night. Also as she gets sleepy at naptime try settling her into her cot instead of sleeping where she falls. Its all about her being used to having the cot as a place to sleep that isnt traumatic (dont leave her to cry), and that she knows that you will always come to when she needs you.
As for the cuddles you need! You will always get those cuddles but your little girl is growing up. Find time to have those cuddles at other times – watching tv, or baseball, or reading, or after the bath. It’s the trauma of what you and Mike have been through that hold you back a little. You have a right to feel anxious and worried and scared but try not to pass that on to Annie by being afraid to ‘hold’ her a little looser sometimes. I dont mean that to sound harsh or insensitive – just the opposite. I care to much about your on-line family to see you afraid to let your little monster become the big shrieking, climbing, leaping, singing , dancing, scaring the life out of her parents monster she has the look in her eyes to be!
Amy Barlow says:
My solution is similar to the others. It’s a little more labor intensive but this is what I did for my twins. (by the way not great about making my kiddos independent) I stripped the nursery of all furniture and got a full size mattress and box springs and put it on the floor. Then I completely baby proofed the whole room. I put a wind up alarm clock on the closet shelf (no plugs) to wake us up. We had an overhead light in the room and some glow in the dark stuff on the walls and ceiling. Then if the twins woke up the room was completely safe. Eventually, (when they were three) we transitioned them to stay in that bed by themselves and added furniture to the room. The other advantage was if the babies needed a safe play place we could put them in that room with some toys and they basically had a giant playpen.
Meg...CT says:
I would, if I could, move her crib or a pack and play right in next to your bed.
We did not co-sleep with our children but invariably when they were little one or more of them would end up in our bed…I never denied them that space. If they were sad or sick or scared, (or peed the bed!) that is where they would come. But you are right, it gets VERY crowded. (A funny aside: one time 2 of them came in at one time, so you can imagine the little space we all had but we managed. But in the morning, my husband was not there…I found him all curled up on my son’s toddler race car bed…too funny!)
So what I did when someone needed me, but it was too crowded, I stored an extra crib mattress under my bed…it was always made and ready to go and if they needed to come see me…I just pulled it out and they slept right next to me…sometimes holding my hand.
That worked for us when they were toddler age and would n’t necessarily work for you yet, but if she were just in the same space as you, the crib may work.
Or as an alternative, could you rock her to sleep in her room and gently place her down? Then she would have your comfort while she fell asleep which is what she is probably missing.
Truewell says:
I echo what the others have said about creating her own sleeping space within your room, then, move that space into her own room and sleep with her in there for a while (at least until she falls asleep).
I wish I had more to offer. I’ve always been very opposed to co-sleeping due to the *tremendous* increase in SIDS risk. It’s just too dangerous, particularly for babies and toddlers. (My good friend is a medical examiner and I’ve heard of so many cases where a baby or young child died due to a parent rolling over in their sleep, so I think I’m a bit more cautious about this than perhaps is necessary, but so be it. I’ve lost a child and so this is one area where I’d rather be safe than sorry.)
So granted, I don’t have experience in this particular area. But gradually changing the arrangement as described above seems like it would make the most sense.
-Truewell
Heather says:
A lot of the physical side of this can be remedied with a good co-sleeping crib.
http://www.armsreach.com/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=cPath=cPath=3_18_8
Maybe something to consider?
Noelle says:
I was going to recommend the co-sleeping crib, too. I didn’t use one but I know other people liked them. I wish I’d tried it because we had the same co-sleeping problems. My favorite was when I’d wake up to little feet in my face, as she formed an H by turning her little body sideways between me and my husband. I spent nights clinging to the edge of my bed for dear life
Good luck!
michelle says:
my son was a climber too, i often imagined i would find him onto of the fridge!
we didn’t co sleep and i was quite strict on bed routines and establishing them.
having said that, now just 4 years later i wished i held on and cuddled in the moment instead of dealing with creating a ‘good’ sleeper in the future.
i just followed the link and read once again about your favourite shirt and i say HOLD ON AND DON’T LET GO!!!
remove everything from your room that doesn’t need to be there or could be somewhere else, matress on the floor, and remove anything you don’t want touched!! and add things you want played with. i had to do this for my climbing/into everything monkey.
slowly over a couple of years things start to return b/c they are no longer unsuitable and before you know it you’ll have your house back!!
Missy says:
I know most experts don’t recommend this, but stay with her till she’s asleep. Either holding her till she’s asleep, and you can put her in the crib, or put her in the crib sleepy and rub her back/pat her butt/ etc… till she falls asleep. I’ve done this with both my kids…. It does make it harder later on to try and get them to go to sleep her own, but it give you a little more peace of mind. I could never handle the whole cry it out thing very well, although with both I eventually did it to an extent. But I never let either one cry for very long before I went in to check on them. and I started out patting them to sleep, then sitting next to the crib till they fell asleep, then leaving before they were asleep, going in after a few minutes to calm them down if they cried… eventually they get it. It just takes longer, but It was what I could deal with…
defendUSA says:
Cold Turkey! You just gotta go Cold Turkey. The more you prolong the inevitable, the worse it will be. My youngest was the hardest. He slept in the Porta crib thingy for three months in my room.
When it was time for him to be in his own room, we went to war!! He was such a happy baby and a good sleeper and we had a routine.
So, I started out with the crib at naptime. We warred for three days- He took no morning nap, but in the afternoon, he did. And he woke up just fine. 4th day, I put him down for an hour, left the monitor on and proceeded to ignore any and all sounds coming from his room. At last, he took a morning nap!
That night, we made “Happy teeth” (he had none, but we Nuk brushed his gums) with his siblings. I pulled his musical frog, gave him his blankets and we said night, night. He slept in in his crib. He woke up a time or two, but I didn’t budge. It was really hard, but worth it.
Creating a routine that is different from what you would do if Annie were going to sleep with might be a good thing. She seems like she might be quite receptive to new things and it could be a much easier transition.
Be tough, she will still love you!!
Sami says:
We coslept as well… even our king sized bed wasn’t enough for our son. My husband after having enough took the front of the crib off and sandwiched it up against the bed. Now it doesn’t make it not able to get out of but it gives both her and her parents space to sleep in their own little bed. We eventually transitioned our son to a queen sized bed in his own room when we decided to get him to sleep in his own room. The crib route didn’t work for us at all as he climbed out of the bugger starting at about 8 months… he may be short, but he was persistent. Good luck!
Nellie says:
Oh, I feel for you and have gone through the same thing. I used to let my daughter fall asleep on my lap while watching TV and then put her in her crib. After a while that became too much to have to do so as much as it pained me, I would place her in her crib while trying to get her detached from my shirt and stand next to her crib and try to soothe her – tell her I was there and would either hum or sing lullabyes to her until she fell asleep. Eventually, it became easier with just putting her in her crib and not having to soothe or stay in her room in the dark for 15 mins. Now, unfortunately, it’s back to square one – Ainsley is 3 yrs. old and every night I have to hold her hand after we read a bed time story and she’ll ask, “don’t leave mommy” or “mommy, you promise you stay for 5 mins.?” I’ll hold her hand while she chats or goofs off in her toddler then, then I’ll stand up and will stand against the wall in her room where she can somewhat see me and when she falls asleep (approx. 10-15 mins), I’ll bless her forehead and chest then sneak/leave her room in the hopes she won’t wake up and scream for me and have to start the routine all over again.
Lucy says:
We’ve coslept with both of our babies for many of the same reasons you outlined above. I love that they’ll stir in the night, reach out and feel you and then go right back to sleep. I think it creates a real feeling of love and comfort for them in an otherwise scary world.
I’m a firm believer that only parents know what’s best for their child. That being said, since you asked for advice, I’ll tell you what I did. For the moving stage, I babyproofed our room and put the mattress on the floor. When we were ready to start transitioning our kids to their own space, we babyproofed their bedroom and put a mattress on the floor in there. I slept in their room for a while so that they got used to the new space without everything changing at once.
I’d hesitate to just plunking her in a different room all by herself. I think it would only cause you both anxiety and stress. Go with your mama gut on this one – it’s rarely wrong.
Julia says:
Too bad they don’t make extra large dog crates! kidding.
Annie is a crawler and a climber….and I suspect she will be climbing out of that crib soon so I agree with others about putting her in a crib in your room…but that might be a temporary solution.
I think you need to keep doors closed in the bedroom and get everything off of the end tables. Maybe get lamps that hang on the wall? Can you push your bed against a wall?
I never let my children sleep with me….but they all crawled out of their crib at some point and the danger began. And reading about Annie, makes me kind of wish I would have let them sleep with me….sounds like some awesome snuggling was missed.
Annie is one exciting baby girl! I love reading about your adventures. You and Mike have certainly been blessed with a rowdy one.
xoxo, Julia
Elizabeth says:
What we did was rock our daughter to sleep and then put her in her crib. If she woke up during the night, it was usually for a few seconds and then she put herself back down. I will say this was when our daughter was older; 12-18 moths.
Can Annie sleep somewhere close in your room; a pack in play or something similar?
Good luck!
Trey says:
I felt the same way. My daughter either slept between us or in her bassinet next to me til she was nearly 1. When I started to find her sitting up staring at me…I knew it was time to get her into the crib. It wasn’t safe anymore despite how comforting it felt to me having her near. It took a few weeks but the cries lessened and the pawing and reaching subsided. Now she’s nearly two, we’ve trained her to say goodnight to all the kitties then she walks to her crib and we put her in, she says “gnight” then “byeeee”….then “byeeeeeee” for another five minutes…but then she’s out like a light. I don’t miss those days of screaming and freaking out but I love where we are now and we only got there by toughing it out. I hope things get easier.
Lisa says:
Hugs, Heather, that’s tough. Could you maybe fit her crib or a pack and play in your room that she could sleep in? That way she is still close to you guys but in her own space where she is safe and you all can get more sleep.
I hope you find something that works and you all get the comfort you need but also the sleep you need.
Love and hugs.
Marianne says:
10 months is when Lulu really got to big and wiggly to co-sleep, but neither of us were really ready for her to move to her crib. As evidenced by all of the crying on both sides. By the time she was a year old, we were ready, though. You’ll get there.
Tammy says:
Any advice I have has already been provided, so I’m just going to send hugs. You are a wonderful momma.
MS says:
Lots of great suggestions above, but not sure if they really address the emotional impact on you. I’m so sorry that putting Annie down while crying is such a flashback to Maddie’s final days for you. Big hugs. Looks like the girls of the house are going to have to find a solution that works for both of you. Obviously, there’s a million books about how to put a baby to bed. But maybe your therapist(s) can help you work through a solution that won’t make you hurt more than you already do. Hugs to your beautiful family!
c illian says:
we /i have a twin bed on the floor that I sleep on w/ my baby– who is also 10 mos old– the room is child proofed and somehow a twin bed w/ two people is so much better than a queen sized bed w/ three..
Gillian says:
I just kicked my five month old out of my bed, because I couldn’t sleep and needed rest. Firstly, we put him in his crib several times in the day while he was awake and played things with him, so it became a positive place for him to be. Then we started putting him in there for daytime naps until he would go in without protest and fall asleep on his own, and finally transitioned to nights. The nights were harder, and I also didn’t let him cry, though mostly bc I didn’t want him to wake up his toddler brother. We put him in there and rubbed his back, sang him songs, and stuck around until he fell asleep. We even picked him up and patted his back when he got really wound up and upset. But would not let him back in our bed, under any circumstances. It helped that we each took a shift – me from 8-1am, the husband from 1am-6am. When not on shift, I slept in another room and slept well, so that when I had to do my shift I wasn’t feeling like a zombie and tempted, soooooo tempted, to just lay down with him so he would shut up and we could both sleep. It took three nights! That’s all! Three nights with absolutely no sleeping in our bed at all. Now he goes in the crib and does just fine. It’s really worth it – I feel like a different human being, having slept. Even though he still wakes up once usually, it’s just a whole different quality of sleep without him in there and my Mama Radar constantly going off and waking me to check for his safety every time he wiggled.
Lisa says:
With Sailor (now 18m0) she slept with us until got too mobile. I brought in her crib and crammed it in to my side of the bed. So she slep just inches from me, she could see me and reach out her tiny arms to touch me when she needed to and I could do the same. I can’t tell you how many times when I tried to sleep in the mornings when Sailor would grab my blankets off and try to drag them into her crib laughing at me trying to grab them back.
catherine says:
Oh my, climbing now and more mobility to come! You could end up finding her anywhere!
Gradual is the only way, and there will be tears (from both of you).
Does she ever nap in the crib? How familiar is she with being in there?
Good luck with this~
Be well.
Colleen says:
Oh boy. Whatever you do, it’s not a win-win. keep her with you and she will continue to move, crawl seek and destroy and you lose sleep worrying about what to do. Put her in her crib and she gets frantic. I have always believed that sleeping through the night in their own space is empowering and provides security. It will have to be a gradual process but remember, you are not hurting her, you are helping her. I think Gillian is on to something. Don’t let your insecurities transfer to Annie (ouch, sorry). Teach her how to be independent. You can still snuggle and cuddle and take naps together!
Liz says:
Instead of moving our guy into our room, we sort of
moved into his for the transition. It was hell on our backs, but we started by bending over the crib, cuddling and shushing until he fell asleep. When that went well, we pulled a chair up close to the crib and sat beside it, again shushing and rubbing his back. Then we moved the chair away gradually.
At night, if he woke up we had a blanket and pillow on his floor and we camped out there until he fell back asleep.
It was a slow process and took a LOT of patience in the evenings, when we were already worn out, but it was pretty painless for him.
Leah says:
I don’t have a solution, but a temporary fix so you can sleep tonight. Maybe you and Annie can camp inside your “gated community”. You might not enjoy sleeping on the floor, but it’s a confined baby-proofed area in case she wakes up.
Jen L. says:
Will she let you rock her to sleep? I rocked my son to sleep until he was a year old, then slid him into his crib when he was out. Thisgave us the snuggle time we needed, but also got him used to sleeping in his bed, which eventually became no big deal. I hope you find a good solution for your family!
suzanne says:
I couldn’t even click through to the post about your favorite shirt, so I’m not sure how you endure the flashback when Annie clings to you (even though I know you just get through it because there is no choice in the matter). Sleep training is hard enough without those issues. So first off — all my support and love as you go through this. I think you need to choose a method that is easy on you because Annie will adjust and be fine no matter what you do, at least that’s my prediction.
I can tell you what we did, but it goes without saying that it may not be the best approach for you and Annie. We did not co-sleep but we did let her fall asleep in our bed, so she did not know how, and definitely did not want, to fall asleep by herself. When she went through a phase of waking up during the night and there was no way to get her to go back down, we decided to teach her to fall asleep on her own. We did this by keeping a chair in her room next to her crib. I would hold her for a while in the chair and snuggle, and then put her in the crib. I would then stay in the chair and say soothing things (occasionally rubbing her back or picking her up for a few minutes if she got really upset) while she cried and wailed and reached through the crib slats. For the first few weeks, the crying would go on for about 10 minutes, sometimes 20. Eventually, the protests grew quieter and shorter. If she woke up during the night, we did the same thing: rather than take her into the bed with us, we would pick her up and soothe her, then put her back in her crib and sit in the chair next to her, verbally soothing. When she became comfortable going into her crib, I gradually, over a period of a few weeks, moved the chair away from the crib until it was on the other side of the room. Then I started putting her down and leaving the room altogether, going in patting her on her back etc. to reassure her that I was just outside the door when she cried.
The whole process took over two months and was not easy. There were tears– hers and mine. It was exhausting. Many times I just wanted to take her into the big bed so we could both just fall asleep, but I felt we would both sleep better if she learned to sleep on her own in her crib. So I stuck to it. Since then, there have been periods where she falls asleep on her own quite easily, and periods of regression where we have had to do mini-sleep trainings on a much smaller scale. But these sleep regressions have been manageable and nothing like the process I described above.
Good luck with everything — you have tons of great advice, and I know you will find a good solution for you and Annie, and do a great job with it.
Deborah says:
I wish I had good advice, but I’d just insult you with my never-had-a-child non-wisdom if I tried to give any. You will figure out the best way to deal with the attachment issues you are having with Miss Annie no matter what!
(((hugs)))
Lindsey says:
We did the side car crib method. Pushed the crib against the wall. Removed one side and pushed the bed against the crib. My son had his own space and I could still touch him. When he got older we put a twin bed in place of the crib. I eventually moved him at 3 (shortly after he weaned at 35 months.)
Mama Bub says:
Will she let you rock her to sleep? Will she fall asleep if you sit right next to her crib?
I’m currently taking the path of least resistance with our sleep issues, so I may not be the best person to give advice.
Angelique says:
We also put our matresses on the floor with my daughter’s crib matress next to it. We also childproofed our room and we gate the stairs at night. Good luck!
Neeroc says:
Tonnes of great suggestions, we co-slept until our wiggle monster dive bombed out of bed 2x onto the hardwood (momma got the ninja-straight-from-sleep grab once, the other I missed) We didn’t have room to sidecar so it was straight to her room, and it wasn’t that hard a transition, the same ‘go to sleep’ routine was just transferred to her room, and I just had to get up to console her. If there’s a next time, we’ll clear out some furniture to allow for a P’n’P in our room.
Neeroc says:
Oh, and good luck, hope you get some sleep soon.
Kenna says:
What a stinker! Good thing she’s cute, eh??
My former climber now turned gymnast (7) had a CD we played every.single.time we laid her down to sleep. Pavlov would have been proud of the conditioning we did to that child – I would turn it on, she’d hear MAYBE 30 seconds of it, and be out cold. Didn’t matter where. No idea if something like that would work for you or not, but throwing it out there! Teach her to sleep when she hears music, and maybe she’ll crash in her crib, bedroom, wherever.
It actually got quite comical when she was 2 and dropped her naps – I would try to put her down for a nap and she would start shrieking “NO MUSIC!! NO MUSIC!!” cuz she knew she’d fall asleep!!
As far as getting more sleep? Good luck. Our co-sleeper is now 5 and although he’s FINALLY spending most nights in his own bed, he’s still with me more often than not. Fortunately, he’s learned to kick his father…..
Halfadozen says:
We had this exact same issue. And we co-slept to 18 months at which no no one slept well anymore… Some suggestions of things we did:
Side car your crib (googleable term)– Take the side rail off and attach the frame using bungee cords. As long as you can keep the height flush with your bed, its a great option– they have theor own sleeping “pod” but you can still grab her. And the fence around it keeps the kid in. Although with a climber (mine was too) she may soon hop the fence! (our son onlyslept in his crib for 3 weeks, because by the time he got used to it, he figured out how to shimmy his way over it. At 19 months. Ugh.)
Another thing we did (slightly crazy but it worked at one point) was take our bed off the frame and put a single matress on the floor next to it, smushed up against a wall. So he could not go anywhere. Then we babyproofed the bedroom so it was all safe. It was a bit of the “tail wagging the dog” but we philosophically believe in co-sleeping (when it works for everyone) so we did it. And it was a good solution for about 6 months.
Good luck! And btw, I never comment, but always read, and think about you guys and your beautiful girls often. hugs!
mp says:
I rocked my kids to sleep their first year and then sat with them until they fell asleep in their own beds until 3-4 years of age. They just want to know they’re not alone. It would have been much better and easier on us all to have Ferberized them when small. I really and truly admire people who can stick with sleep training that way. I am simply incapable of it. I hate it because I’m not usually a softie in any other part of my life!
The comments reveal a wide variety of creative sleeping arrangements, so it sounds like you have plenty of options.
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
I was going to suggest what a lot of the others did…bring her crib, or a cot, or a matress on the floor. I actually just read an article on Brad & Angie & how they co-sleep with all 6 of their kids!!!! They actually had a custom bed made by putting 2 California King Size beds together so they could all continue to sleep together.
My motto is & always has been “you do whatcha gotta do.”. I totally get how you can’t just let Annie cry it out – we couldn’t do that either. We waited and fought too hard to have all of our babies; there was no way we were going to be without them at night nor could we sit there and listen to them cry…it was just too upsetting for us. I know for you, it’s unbarable – I get that.
Well, …Good luck with your decision on how you’re going to deal with this Heather. Please know I’m always HERE if you need an ear to listen to you or some support and encouragement to help you get through another night. Everything will work out great, I’m sure!
Love,
Your Friend,
Jenn
Courtney says:
That part about Annie clinging to you as you put her down just brought me to tears, so I can only imagine how it makes you feel. I think you might have to take some of the above advice with a grain of salt. You have a lot of other issues that are complicating this issue. So I think you should do whatever doesn’t break your heart, because kids are pretty resilient. I’m guessing that Annie will (eventually) sleep on her own at some point. I’d do whatever feels ok to you (though the mattress on the floor worked well for us at one point). Hugs.
Katie says:
I know this is hard, considering where you came from with Maddie, but I think it is really important that you start allowing Annie to sleep on her own. It isn’t going to traumatize her to put her into a crib that is right next to your bed. If she whines, it is because she knows that she is getting a reaction out of you. Believe me when I tell you this – it might be cute and cuddly to snuggle with a baby all night when they are an infant, but try it when they are 9 years old. It isn’t fun. You need to gradually give them more and more space and independence. Our little guy always slept with us as a baby but gradually we worked him in to his own bed. At nine, he still likes to sleep with us, but usually one of us falls asleep with him and then leaves his room. It might seem all sweet and emotional to share a bed with a baby, and it is, but at some point they need to learn to be at least slightly independent.
Annie is a healthy little girl – she will do just wonderfully all by herself in her crib. Just park it right next to your bed. She will get used to it. And so will you!
susan says:
with my lucas (now 16, wow!) we ended up using the ferber method. it was very difficult for me & my husband….yes, probably for lucas, at the time. i’m thinking lucas was a bit older than annie when we did it? it took a few days, but he was able to go to sleep in his crib, on his own. i used to rock him to sleep every night and before every nap then put him in his crib. eventually, he would wake up and cry as i was placing him in the crib and i would have to begin the entire ritual all over again. it became a huge cry-fest and everyone was a mess!
the ferber method really does work if you stick with it diligently. maybe mike could do it if it seems to extreme for you?
hoping you, mike & annie come to a solution that gives you all some peace & much needed ZZZzzzzz’s
Katie says:
We bed share with my 2.5 year old and the way we make it work is that we have a queen size mattress next to a twin mattress on the floor. We did this when my son was about 14 months old. It gave us more than enough room for everyone and gave me a piece of mind about the climbing and him possibly falling off the bed. Depending on what you want you can alternate with Mike to see who sleeps on the twin or put Annie on there and alternate who sleeps next to her. We had a queen sized bed frame before we did this and we are now storing at my grandmother’s house. Good luck thinking outside of the box to solve this problem!
As people have said above, there is no need to make Annie sleep by herself -especially if that is not what you want to do. Eventually she will sleep by herself and be 100% comfortable doing so. I think my son is very secure (and not at all afraid of the dark) and I attribute most of that to the bed sharing.
Katie says:
And I want to add that my son is very independant and has no problem being watched by other people he knows and trusts.
amy says:
Like some others have said, we set the baby bed up right next to our bed. I could then lay in our bed and put my arm through the slats to pat her back or hold her hand. She still protested from time to time, but settled down quickly since I was so close by.
Melissa says:
Good advice here – and I’ve been there as well. We co-slept with all of our children until they started walking and I was tooo afraid they would sneak out of our bed (they were super adventurous). By Baby #3, I had it a good method for us. Does she nap in her crib? We started there – putting her in her crib once she fell asleep (either by cuddling or rocking or what have you) – so she could become used to it. I also had a kiddie CD with lullabys on it and we only played it at nap time. She’d talk and sing herself to sleep in her crib, after a while. After that, we’d snuggle and she’d fall asleep in our bed for the night, but we would do the tippytoe dance and put her in her bed – once she was out. I am sure many people would argue that this does nothing for prepping them to fall asleep in their bed on thier own (the eventual goal) but I was willing to deal with that later, as the most pressing was all of us getting some comfortable sleep!
Sarah says:
My littlest one was a climber and usually a co-sleeper too – he could climb out of his crib by the time he was 9 months old, so we had to get rid of it. What we did was to baby-proof his room completely, and we put a double mattress on his floor and a gate in the doorway. That way I could snuggle him to sleep, then escape to my own bed, and when he woke in the night I’d just stumble back to his. And if he got up while I was asleep, he could play safely with everything in his room. He was over 2 before he ever slept through the night on his own, and now that he’s almost 4 I still end most nights in his bed, but I kind of treasure those cuddles too.
Kiki says:
Another idea is to have someone else do it for you. I know it sounds extreme, nut I could not handle listening to my daughter cry and I have not been through anything like what you have been through. So when Amelia was 11 mo, my MIL wad babysitting for the weekend and she couldn’t get her to sleep by rocking like I did. After three nights, she was going into the crib awake andbputyong herself to sleep. I didn’t plan it the way, but it worked and if she hadn’t done it I might still be rocking her. Maybe enlist someone else for a few nights, and convienently go to the gym or store or take a walk at bedtime. She is old enough to figure it out in a few days and if it works, think of the blissful sleepingvyou all wil have. And you can invest in a really good camera monitor to help ease your anxiety sleeping away from her. Just an idea
LisaJ says:
We co-sleep, and I swore that I wasn’t going to this time around. When I was pregnant with our honeymoon baby I swore I was going to be a non-co-sleeping mama. That I was going to gently sleep train. That I was going to do things differently from the first time and the first marriage.
And then I had a miscarriage. And then we tried for 26 cycles, some of which were assisted by medicine and procedure, only to give up. And I cried all the time about the baby I wasn’t going to have with my husband, and how I was a failure as a wife and a woman (not true but I thought these thoughts and made myself quite ill over it).
Needless to say, when we had our pregnancy surprise, my perspective changed vastly. I was the crazy overprotective pregnant lady. I vowed to breastfeed, co-sleep–anything to show my appreciation ( I know that is faulty logic, but that’s where I was at) for the gift I had been given, out of the blue.
So here we are, co-sleeping. She is 11 months old and I teach middle school. And I am so tired I could cry (and I do, a lot), because yes, I am still breastfeeding, and since I am also carrying self-imposed guilt about having to go back to work, I don’t even pump so Michael can feed her. I have become the ultimate martyr mom, after swearing I wasn’t going to be, and my health is suffering, both mentally and physically. If I get 4 hours at a stretch, I am lucky. Lately it is 3 hours again, because she is going through a growth spurt.
So I am going to read the replies with interest, because, dude, if I don’t get some sleep I am going to collapse, literally. And my monkey girl has also pulled everything off the hubby’s nightstand, and she fell out of the bed, which is still giving me nightmares and panic attacks when I let myself think about it.
And I wanted you to know that you are not alone in being torn between not wanting to give it up and needing to because you need to get sufficient rest. In all honesty, I cannot imagine how much that flashback must rip you apart…just reading about it makes me cry…and my heart breaks for you anew.
Hopefully we can both find a solution and get a full-night’s rest.
dannielle says:
I have to say when people talk about co-sleeping with thier babies, it makes me feel selfish because that is the last thing i wanted to do once my baby was more than a few months old…
my daughter is now 19 months old, and i love the time i have to myself after she goes to bed… those few hours i have before i go to bed are so important for my mental health. i had issues with ppd, and sleeping well helped me so much. i have a video monitor that i can look at whenever i hear her in the middle of the night, which i could never give up, poor thing is probably going to have a camera in her room until she goes to college.
my daughter now loves her crib and refuses to sleep with me… which is bittter sweet i have to say, i miss the naps we use to take together, but i would never go back to not having those moments to myself every day to have a glass of wine and recharge my own batteries for the next day.
your sleep is very important… you have to take care of yourself.
maggie says:
We are co-sleepers too, more me than my husband. He works nights so my three year old always sleeps with me on the nights my husband works, but our one year old sleeps in a crib in our room. She is next to my side of the bed so if she wakes up i am right there to comfort her. The thought of them waking up and being scared or sad breaks my heart. Do what you feel the happiest doing.
Kelly says:
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do. My girl slept in her own bed until she was just about 2, and has been sleeping with us ever since. Now that she’s 4, I think it’s time for her to go back to her own bed. I just can’t figure out the “right” way to do it.
When we asked her last night how much long she was going to sleep with us, she told us, “Until I go to college, like sissy.” Good greif.
AJ says:
My little guy is 14 months old…he still sleeps with us too. But he’s also part monkey and making sleeping miserable for us. So we let him fall asleep with us, and then put him in his crib. Sometimes he makes it the whole night, sometimes he doesn’t. But he climbs off of our bed and goes and gets into trouble if he wakes up before us…so we try to keep putting him back in the crib.
cindy w says:
Warning: long comment ahead.
Babies typically go through 2 rounds of separation anxiety. Annie’s right on cue for round 1, the 2nd will happen when she’s around 18-24 months. (Which is worse, because they’re bigger, and hence, louder.)
We happened to move cross-country when Catie was 18 months old (during round 2). I didn’t think it would be that big a deal – Mommy & Daddy and the cats were still there, all her toys & everything were around – but it totally wigged her out. If I tried to put her down in her crib when she was awake, she’d FREAK OUT. Even if I tried to put her down when I *thought* she was asleep, she’d force herself awake and scream “NO NO NO NO!!!” It’s the closest I’ve ever seen to a full-on toddler panic attack. She was just frantic in her fear of the crib.
So, here’s what worked for us – some of this may or may not apply to your situation, but hopefully you might find something in here that might help.
1) When Catie was still awake, we’d do her bedtime routine (bath, milk, book, snuggles), then I’d put her in the crib while she was still awake.
2) She’d panic and scream and try to climb up my arms. I’d disentangle myself, sit on the floor next to the crib, and reach through the bars to stroke and comfort her. (I got some really lovely bruises on my forearms doing this, but eh, whatever.) I sat there and talked softly to her and patted her until she calmed down. Eventually exhaustion would win and she’d just sort of fall over asleep.
The first two nights, it took over 45 minutes of her screaming and crying before she finally calmed down & fell asleep. It was awful, but I felt better about it because it wasn’t like I was letting her cry it out – I was sitting RIGHT THERE and trying to comfort her the whole time.
After the first couple of nights, it took less and less time for her to calm down and go to sleep. After a week, she didn’t cry about going into the crib at all. But she still wouldn’t let me leave the room until she was asleep. So, then we moved on to the next phase…
3) I’d put her down in the crib, sit on the floor next to the crib, but I wouldn’t look at her or touch her. She could see me, which was comforting for her, but I wasn’t interacting with her. (I’d bring my iPhone with me and play games on it. Helps to pass the time when you’re avoiding eye contact with the person who needs to go to sleep.)
4) After a week or so of that, I’d sit on the floor a couple of feet away from the crib. A few days later, I’d sit a little farther away. Eventually I was sitting in the doorway while she’d settle herself to sleep. And sometime after that, I figured out that I could just put her down in the crib, and… walk away. And she was fine.
Now, obviously I was not dealing with a lot of the emotional stuff that you have in front of you, so like I said, some of that may or may not work for you. But I hope that from all the comments you get on this post, you can cobble together some sort of solution that lets you all get some sleep and stay safe. Good luck to you!
Kim says:
We cosleep too (I know, you’re shocked). One thing we do is attach the crib to the side of our bed. So, I take one side off and wedge it between the wall and our bed. That way my kiddos have more space of their own, but they are close enough to me to feel secure.
I know exactly the struggle you are having. I’ve had it 4 times now. Emma was JUST getting to that point when she died. We had set up the crib for her and she used it for a few weeks. *sigh*
If you want pictures of what it looks like, let me know and I’ll email them to you.
xo
Damaris @Kitchen Corners says:
I think it will be hard for her for a couple night and it will break your heart but then she might sleep better. When we moved our baby into her own crib and bedroom (around 10 months) it was like night and day. She sleeps so much better now.
Brandy says:
Heather, I had a hard time with this with my first because my when my husband deployed, I let him co-sleep with us all the time. What I found worked was trying to lay him down for naps and letting him fall asleep in my arms/bed and then moving him. It still took a long time before he slept in his crib full time because we let him come in with us when he woke up in the night, but it’s a start! Luckily my little chubbers baby no. 2 is just fine with his crib, in fact, he doesn’t like company when he sleeps, thankyouverymuch!
Mitzi says:
We let our 2 year old fall asleep with us and when he’s totally asleep we put him in his toddler bed. He does sleep all night though. Maybe if Annie gets up again you can bring her back in bed and then take her back to her bed when she’s asleep again. It may work for you. My boy was tossing an turning but he sleeps lie a rock in his own bed. I think it’s more comfortable for everyone.
Liz says:
Okay, normally I’m totally a hard-core cry it out mom because well, it works. BUT I’m going to say that probably isn’t the best solution for you because I can’t imagine the pain it brings back and memories of sweet Maddie.
Could Mike put her down in the crib while you take a bath or something so you can’t hear her crying? We did this for a time when Annelise (our first and 10 months like your Annie) needed to teach herself to sleep. I would put her down, but as soon as she started crying, I took a bath while my hubby listened in on her. Honestly, it works. She goes down without a fuss every night and *most* naps. And teaching your child to sleep is a really great gift (to her and to you). Good luck Heather!
(oh yeah, I would start with nighttime sleep and worry about naps later. The most important thing is that she’s learning to sleep at night)
Meghan says:
someone probably already mentioned this but when my son started doing that we took the bed off the frame and put it closer to the floors, this solved a few issues… he was no longer high enough to climb on bedside tables and if he rolled out of the bed? no biggie!
the other thing we had was a side rail so he couldn’t roll out when it was up high, also we put a baby gate at our door on the wild off chance he can run away before we wake up.
sara says:
We co-slept with our daughter, and now co-sleep with our son. Once our daughter was about a year old, I started rocking her to sleep in her room, and then would put her in her crib once she was asleep. When she would wake, we would bring her to our bed. Eventually, around 18 months of age, she was sleeping the whole night, and not waking. We still brought her to bed first thing in the morning so we had the snuggle time that we absolutely love. We did all of the things that the “books” say not to do – co-sleep, rock to sleep, never let our kids cry it out. I am happy to say that our 4 year old is a happy, well-adjusted child that has no problem sleeping on her own now. I say just do whatever you feel is right for your family. As others have said, follow those mommy instincts.
Kate Giovinco Photography says:
I was thinking crib against your bed with side rail down when you lay next to her and before you fall asleep pull up rail. Eventually slowly move crib away from bed. Hope that helps. Good luck.
Tara. says:
I think at this point, her crib is the best place for her to be so you can all sleep and she can be safe. It’s going to be a process, it might take a week for her to get used to it. You may have to start a bedtime routine and do that every single night. You may have to lay on the floor next to her bed so you’re there with her. Or rock her until she’s drowsy and then lay her in her bed.
I understand how you feel, but after the hurdle of the big change, I think you’ll all be so much more rested! Good Luck!
Terra C says:
I agree with others that have said bring a pack-n-play or a crib into your room and put her in there. Then she’s safe, but you’re still right next to her. You can even move your bed around if need be to put her next to you. Then she can still see you, even touch you if she’s close enough.
Beth says:
Adeline WOULD NOT sleep on her own until she was 20 months. After she became mobile it was tricky for a few weeks because she was interested in testing her new skills. Honestly, it took a couple of tumbles off the bed for her to learn to stay put. Eventually she did learn, and until then I just built a wall of pillows on the side and bottom of the bed, and the wall and my body blocked off the other sides. We had tried the crib/packnplay in our room and she would have none of it. Once she did get into her own bed, it took me some time to adjust to her not being there. I had a ton of anxiety and ended up spending several nights on the couch because I was so afraid of not hearing her if she needed me. Now, it is awesome. She goes off to nap/bed with no complaints and it is nice.
Jacqueline says:
I had the same problem as well when my daughter was smaller. I opted for putting her in a play pen next to my bed. Ofcourse it was mega-padded in the bottom for comfort but it worked and she had her own space to sleep in without getting hurt and if she woke up before me…. she was trapped in that thing so there was no chance of her getting into things ;]
Rebecca says:
Maybe you and Mike can take turns sleeping in the crib with her?
dawn says:
Alex hated the crib. When he was 12 months old we transitioned him to a full sized mattress/boxspring that sat on the floor in his room. We would lay with him till he fell asleep then bail out of there. He’d still wake in the night and one of us would go back in and sleep with him, but it at least was a starter step.
He seemed way happier because he was on a big bed that he could get out of on his own. That’s just always been his personality.
We also lived on survival mode with him and sleep till .. well… this fall. The suddenly he’s become a lovely little sleeper.
Carrie M says:
My daughter went through this. She slept with us until she was a year old. At 10 months I started her sleeping in her crib during naps. She woke after a half hour for two weeks. Eventually she slept an hour for her naps, than two. Then i started rocking her asleep at night time. Waiting until I could pick up her arm and drop it without her waking up or showing any signs of resistance. For the first little while she woke every hour. I would rock her back to sleep until it was my own bedtime then I would transfer her back into the bed with me. After a few months she started to sleep longer intervals in her bed by herself. Now at 16 months she sleeps through the night. I still rock her to sleep and get that nice baby time but now i dont have to worry about her falling out of my bed.
jf says:
I crawled right into the crib with my son. We didn’t have much room to spare, but he and I would spoon until he fell asleep and then I did some gymnastics to get out.
Melissa says:
We co-slept with both of our kids but ended between 6-9 months, due to the same reasons you listed. Our bed is higher off the ground and I was paranoid that they would climb out without us waking up.
The transition is NOT fun. I slept on the floor of my daughters room for TWO MONTHS. I’d recommend a book, “Good Night, Sleep Tight”. She has a sleep routine that helps you gradually transition and she even has a chapter on co-sleeping. I still go to that book when one of my kids get off track after traveling or sickness.
Good luck! If you have a mattress you can throw on the floor, the two of you can sleep on that in her room for awhile. Then move her into the crib while you stay on the floor. Then work on moving out. It will be hard, no matter what. But the longer you put it off, the harder it’ll be – in my honest opinion.
Brooke J. says:
We co-sleep at this time and I had to take away a night stand and push my bed against the wall b/c one of my littles was falling out every night onto the floor… Wild sleeper!!! So he sleeps against the wall now which works wonderfully…
However my two are 3 & almost 5.. So they don’t do the climbing and knocking stuff down anymore…
With that happening I would do a pack n play with the mattress all the way down or even a portable crib (since it’s smaller), either one up against your bed. Then you still have some closeness w/o the breaking of stuff or the falling of babies… Then if you still really enjoy co-sleeping, when she’s a tiny bit older, she could come back in the bed again… After she gets beyond all that business that’s going to end up giving you night terrors!!!
GOOD LUCK!!!
Larissa says:
We coslept with all our babies and currently cosleep with our 8 month old. We have a bed rail on one side and she sleeps on that side. When my son was a baby, we pushed the bed against the wall and kept him on the wall side. There are safe ways to cosleep. If she is very attached to you right now, I wouldn’t try moving her out of your bed until that phase passes. There will come a time when she’ll sleep all night in her own bed in her own room and you’ll wish she was still sleeping with you.
Amie says:
Do you have enough room to put her crib next to your bed?
AnnD says:
We just moved our 12 month old son out of our room last week! I co slept with him since his birth (started off in the bassinette and the crib and as he got older, the more he saw his crib as a prison instead of a bed–that started around 6 months). But, he wasn’t resting well with me either! He would toss and turn and wake up once an hour to nurse. So, it’s been close to a year since I’ve had consistent sleep.
We are doing the CIO thing now (much to my dismay and out of complete desperation) and I have my hubby handle him in the middle of the night now because he’s more attached to me and seems to get more hysterical if I put him back in his crib vs. the hubby. Same thing you mentioned—pulling at my shirt, desperately holding onto me.
He’s done well with it, the longest he’s gone is about an hour of crying–which was last night. The night before he slept from 8:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. without making a peep! So, it is hard but he does sleep much better on his own and so do I!
AnnD says:
Also, just wanted to add that his crib was in my room pretty much next to me. And that was not good enough at all for him. He still woke up every hour and wanted a boob in his mouth. So, putting a crib next to your bed might work for some but it did not for us unfortunately. I gave it near 6 months for him to get used to it and spent many a night crying with him while he was in it But, at this point, I’m just so exhausted that I am willing damage his psyche a little to save my own…
Terri says:
I rock our daughter to sleep every night, then her dad picks her up and takes her to her bed (which up until a few months ago, was in our room) . When she wakes up she usually gets a free (but noisy) ticket right back to our bed, until she’s sound asleep, when she gets put back yet again. We went through this process ALOT.. but like Annie, she’s a free spirit and a wanderer.. so she can’t be trusted when mommy and daddy are unconscious.
krystal says:
I’m also in the process of transitioning my 10 month old to his own room. I started by having an air matress in his room and both of us sleeping on it for a few nights, then putting him in the crib and me on the air matress, now i sit in a rocking chair next to his crib while he falls asleep in his crib and next step hopefully we just to put him down in his crib when hes sleepy and he will *hopefully* be able to fall asleep with out me sitting next to him and trying to creep out the room without waking him up!
Now my daughter was a different story she basically slept with us then moved onto a portable crib next to our bed and then into a toddler bed around 1 1/2 so we’re trying to advoid having my son in our room that long!
Good luck!
Mommy Boots says:
Could you perhaps start in very small steps, such as bringing a mattress into her room and putting it on the floor and sleeping with her on it for a while? That way she isn’t in danger of rolling off onto a high bed, or crashing and destroying things Godzilla-style. Slow, baby steps that you are both comfortable with until you reach whatever ultimate goal you set for her.
Sara says:
I recommend a pack-n-play. You can put it right next to your bed, and take it down easily if you need the room. My daughter used hers until she was almost 3.
sara says:
Hey Heather,
I bought a remote video camera thing so I could watch my son if he was in the crib crying. That way I could see if he was crying because he hurt himself or if he was crying for another reason. It really helped ease my mind. It was also nice to watch them kind of soothe themselves or talk to themselves while in the crib. Good luck.
amy vw says:
We co-slept with all 3 kids (not at once…lol). My oldest was the most active and would have been one to climb and get herself into trouble. When she became really mobile (and began climbing things) we decided to take our bed completely off the frame and put the mattress/boxspring on the floor and removed any potential climbing hazards from the room (nightstands). It was not the most beautiful solution, but it helped us all get some much needed sleep while she remained safe. We also put a baby gate in our bedroom door, so she could not escape. We just baby proofed the heck out of the bedroom. We tried hard to initially get her sleeping in her crib at night, but after weeks of little to no sleep for her or us, reworking our sleeping space seemed the most logical option.
Good luck!
Jennifer says:
I still co-sleep with my 2 year old son. I absolutely love it. I love having his warm little body next to mine. It would kill me having him in a crib in another room. Here’s what we did to our room to make it work. We put the matresses directly on the floor, all pushed together to make one huge bed. We removed practically all furniture. The clock is on the floor. The outlets are baby proofed. There’s a baby gate in the doorway. If my son wakes up while I’m still sleeping, the room is safe for him to be in.
His sleeping positions sometimes take up a big chunk of bed, especially if he decides to sprawl sideways, but I consider it a minor inconvenience and preferable to kicking him out of bed.
ourlittlei says:
We’re going through this exact same thing right now with out ten month old. If you figure it out, please let me know. :sigh:
Sloane Reed says:
My son will be 3 in March. We never did the co-sleeping thing….as much as I would have liked too, I move way too much [and was a single parent during this time] and was absolutely terrified I would roll over on top of him. He never showed too much interest anyway since I made the mistake of introducing him to an old-school Fisher Price swing from the early ’90’s that required two dozen batteries. That’s way cooler that snuggling with Mommy.
I’m really not sure what to suggest here other than to keep her as close to you as possible without running the risk of her hurting herself or getting into things. I’ll be curious to see how you handle this because I’m sure lots of other moms are going through similar issues as well.
~ Sloane
http://cocktailswithhemingway.blogspot.com
leslie says:
i didn’t read many of the other comenters…but my suggestion:
let her sleep in your roo. a cot will do, i think!
in my opinion cold turkey is not an option for you esp. considering what it might do to your sleep and to your “state” (you know what i mean).
do what YOU feel comfortable with, not what you think might be the right thing…and actually feels very wrong!
good luck!
and some better sleep:)
Rachel says:
Get a pack-n-play or portable crib on wheels and put it next to your side of the bed. That way she is close, but is not able to roam free if she wakes up before you. I have always had a fear of accidentally smothering my kid so I do this. My daughter is 5 months old and she still sleeps in the pack-n-play next to my bed. I even hold her hands while we’re going to sleep. It’s so wonderful. Her room is on the other side of the house so I’m not sure when I’ll be able to let her sleep there. It feels way to far away from me.
Deb Hauer says:
I had this issue with my second child who would crawl in bed between my husband and me and then lay sideways……. as in the three of us made the letter I. So we gave her a set up that she was excited to have. We made a special bed for her on the floor in our bedroom right at the foot of our bed. She loved it because we let her set it up….she was also 2 unlike Ms. Iamgoingtodoitmywayonmyowntime..Annie! I wish you luck! Maybe try a playpen at the foot of your bed for a while.
Andrea says:
Replace her crib with a full size mattress or bed. Lay with her until she falls asleep and then leave her room. Make sure all her furniture is secured to the walls and everything else in the room is baby safe. Good luck!
Heleen says:
I love your blog and have been following it for a bit now, little misses maddie & annie melt my heart every time a see a photo….
Have you tried a co-sleeper crib? Its like a 3 sided crib and it attaches to the bed, that way you dont have to worry about them going climbing, or tossing and turning into you…
Hope it works!
http://www.armsreach.com/
Elizabeth says:
I’ve never understood how the smallest person takes up the most amount of space in the bed – with each parent crammed into an uncomfortable corner.
Good luck!
Issa says:
Heather? For anyone else, I’d have a different suggestion. But for you and Mike? I will offer this…
One idea, is to transition her to first sleeping in maybe a pack n play, right next to your bed. You can even move her right after she falls asleep at first. She will be in your room, but not in your bed.
The other? Is for you and Mike to ask your mother to do this for you. Like literally, you and he go away for three nights and beg her to do it. Three nights of CIO, without you having to hear it and she may be sleep trained by then. Or close enough, that she will know the drill.
And that is the end of my assvice. Love you all.
TwinMomJulie says:
Hi Heather,
Long time – first time. I suggest you let her fall asleep in your bed, or your arms, or wherever, and then put her in her crib when she’s totally sacked out. I don’t care what “they” say, we did this with our twins until they were too heavy to lift from the living room floor (which was where we always let them fall asleep). Will she wake up if you move her? Does she sleep all night? You’re golden if the answers are No and Yes. Good luck!
Jessalee says:
It’s been said already, but I’ll add my voice to the throng. We put the crib in our room right next to my side of the bed. Far away enough that I wasn’t trapped in bed but close enough that I could see the baby and each out to soothe/touch them if I had to. Worked for us! We did this with my son until he was 2 and with my daughter until she was about 8 months.
Jenny Ward says:
Heather,
I’m struggling with the exact same issue. My son is 8.5 months old. I was nursing and co-sleeping until yeesterday. I found out that I have to change my heart medication immediately . I ended up in the hospital this week with a heart/breathing issue. So I had to cut him off. Cold turkey and he’s a boob-a-holic.
He has no idea why I’m not nursing him and I couldn’t put him in the crib. He was distraught last night. We both cried our eyes out. Hubby has no idea what to do. He eventually settled down. But he’s a climber too. I’m thinking of moving his crib (the only he’s never slept in.) into our room. Maybe we can all get some more sleep?
It’s hard to give ourselves (as parents) permission to take care of ourselves too. We want to comfort and nurture our little ones sometimes despite what it does do us. So give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do for you and Annie. It’s okay.
Hope you get some sleep soon momma!
Jenny W. (Mason and Ava’s mommy)
Shauna says:
Wow, I totally wish I had read the comments on this when my son was little! Both of my boys were adopted when they were 9 and 8 months old (at separate times of corse) and my youngest and I had the HARDEST time with this. We co-slept even though I never planned to (my oldest son was super attached to us and was okay with going to bed in his crib every night on his own, which we had in our room, so I wasn’t worried about loosing the bond we worked so hard to create with him) but I just didn’t know how to not! We had attachment issues with my younger son so we obviously did everything we could to work at that with him, hence the co-sleeping. I really have no advice that is better than some of the great replies here (because uh, we just got kicked in the ribs and head until he was 2 and got a big boy bed!) so I just wanted to say good luck!
Darah says:
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through…both with trying to transition her to her crib and the emotions attached to it. My heart aches for you. Please know, though, that this is tough and sad even for moms who haven’t been through what you have. What I believe, and what I’ve done with my two kids, is that you must decide what you want and enforce it as kindly and as lovingly as you can, but with no exceptions. She knows that if she cries/clings to you, you’ll give and she’ll get what she wants. If you truly want to change things then you have to just do it. Swallow it until you leave her room then cry all you want. She WILL then cry, she WILL carry on, but she WILL be fine and wake up smiling. She won’t hate you, she won’t hold this against you and you’ll all get some sleep. Trust me. Kids will test you every day of your life to find out what they can win and what you’ll actually enforce. She is learning how to manipulate you and you are responding. If this is really what you want, then you have to find the strength within yourself to enforce it. Best of luck and be strong!
Kandi Ann says:
Remove everything from room except mattress. Sleep Well! :o)
Michelle says:
I did the same thing with my child because I lost a child to sids. Now she is 3 and I am having the same problem! I want her in her own room but it is so hard when they know they dont have to and all they want is you.
Susan says:
Gosh, I’m happy to say that we didn’t have a huge bedroom or bed, so we didn’t really have the option of ever co-sleeping with any of our three children. Added to that the fear 20 years ago of SIDS, and I panicked thinking about accidentally rolling over on my baby. I’d never even nap with them because of that overwhelming fear. By the time they were a month old, they were each sleeping in their own cribs with a baby monitor on the dresser by them and a radio playing soft music. Since it was such a pattern for them that I’d feed them a bottle, cuddle and rock them, and put them to bed with soft music, none of them ever had any issues because they didn’t know any different. All three have always been excellent sleepers…even now the only time they wake up is if they are sick. I’m not sure I could have taken trying to put them in their own cribs when they were older and screamed because they were terrified of me leaving them. That would have broken my heart
It’s so hard to imagine what to do, Heather. I agree that you have to do what works best for you though. Annie’s safety trumps everything now though…take care!
Carrie says:
We’re trying to figure this out too. Our daughter is 17 months old and will go down in her bed, but wakes up at 1 or 2 AM crying every morning and screams until we put her in our bed, then she is asleep instantly. And we’re too old and tired and sleepy at 1 or 2 AM to fight it out with her, so this pattern has continued too long. I keep expecting to wake up with bruises from all her nocturnal twisting and turning and kicking.
Hope you figure out a solution soon- let us know if you find something that works well!
edenland says:
Heather, Rocco is 2.5 years old and comes running into my bedroom every night, for a warm snuggle. Max is almost 9 and still asks me for a special treat sometimes … to sleep with me. I let him. (It helps to have a spare room with a queen bed – let’s just say Dave is very well rested but I am not it.)
Whatever gets you through.
I just read that shirt post again and my heart broke for you again.
XOXOX
Chris says:
My granddaughter lives with us and we let her fall asleep either on our lap or with her mom in her bed. After she’s asleep for about 20 minutes we moved her to her crib. She usually stayed asleep the whole night, occasionally waking up once in a while. We would just go in to soothe her and try not to pick her up unless she was really upset. We’d calm her and then put her back to bed. When she graduated to a toddler bed, she had no idea she could get out herself and would yell for us to come get her. She’s 3 1/2 now and when she occasionally wakes up in the night she just walks into mom’s room and snuggles back to sleep. Usually her mom moves her back to her bed when she’s asleep again. This seems to work.
Kristin says:
We cosleep too and have been through all of this. We weren’t ready to stop cosleeping at 10 months, not even close, but had the same issues with rolling, moving, climbing. We pushed the bed up against the wall on one side, cleared the remaining bedside table of anything besides the basics, and generally stuck it out. We discussed putting the mattress on the floor, but that never materialized–we were too lazy–then she grew out of the moving at night thing. If we had had the room, I would have loved to have put her crib or a travel crib right next to our bed, but we didn’t have the space at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and is still with us. We are going to transition her to a full size bed with safety rails after the holiday, which I think will mean one of us sleeping in there with her for a few weeks. My only bit of advice is that Annie’s moving around at night may be a temporary phase, and if you wait it out even a week or so, she will grow out of it. Good luck! I love the benefits of c0-sleeping for the whole family….and agree with you that the cry it out method in the crib just doesn’t work for all families.
Kaitlin says:
I’m not a mom, but another blogger I read just posted about this. She took one of her lightly worn T-shirts (like a PJ shirt she hadn’t washed since wearing) and tucked it really tight onto the crib mattress so her baby could still smell her. I hope something helps!
Jill says:
As a mom who’s co-slept with four kids for going on 8 years, I know the crowded feeling you’re experienceing now. I also know how heartbreaking it is to hear them cry. I say, as long as you can, keep her with you. If you have to move your mattress to the floor (or your husband to another room for a bit!), I think it’s better for her to feel secure and you to feel good about it too. My three oldest ones made the switch to their own twin beds at 2 years old just fine. Dad still has to go to their beds occasionally since I’m nursing the baby but that’s ok too. Do what’s best for you and your family.
Dede Miller - founder Divacafe.net says:
This is one of those moments when it’s going to seem impossible but if you can find the kind of bed that grows with the child for the next couple of years this will make it easier.
Jayme says:
We have our bed pushed up to the wall in the corner, so that my kids literally have to crawl over me to get to something, and that wakes me up. We’ve also put the pack & play at the foot of the bed and kind of transitioned them from the bed to that, and then eventually to their own cribs.
Erin says:
Been there, done that! We still sleep with our 2 year old!
I tried everything and what worked best was to put our bed (King size) on the floor. We took it off the bed frame. That way, if she fell out of bed, it was just a couple of inches. And, we could easily squash her toddler mattress on the floor between the wall and the bed, too…just for extra space. It’s ridiculous how much space a baby takes up in your bed!! Wouldn’t change it though, we love co-sleeping
And it was usually ME that ended up on the nightstand. I swear, my husband had 1/2 the bed, my baby had 1/3 and I had 2 inches and the nightstand to sleep on.
Juanita says:
I see that this was mentioned a few times…..and this is what I did when my kids were babies…..sleep with just the mattress on the floor. Not even the boxspring. I still cosleep with 2 of my kids (2 & 3) but I have a king size bed and hubby works overnites so it works for me. Yeah- it is a little crowded when hubby doesn’t work. We have a spare bedroom where we can escape to if need be. We had a crib but never really ever used it. All 3 of my kids would sleep thru the nite and would only wake up if we aren’t there next to them. Even now my youngest (2.5) will move her hand around in her sleep and if I am not there she will wake up. But if she feels me then she keeps on sleeping. So funny!
Kristy H says:
I have no advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain!
We Co-slept with my son, back when he was 8 mos old he got sick and Hubby put him in bed with us, and he never really went back to his own bed!
My daughter, she never liked sleeping with us, (thank god, she’s a roller!), that is, until she turned 6! Last year, she took a liking to sleeping in our bed, which was ok, I too love cuddling with her. BUT, all of a sudden I started waking up to not only her, but my 11 year old son, in bed with us!!! OMG, talk about neck cramps?! Even when I told my son to go back to his room, I would find him on the floor next to our bed, the HARD wood floor, so we just decided to let them pile in with us….yes, we ARE crazy!
Lately, they’ve been taking turns, and both have actually stayed in their OWN beds, on the SAME NIGHT, at times! It’s like Hubby and I don’t even know what it’s like to sleep close to each other anymore! But, all in all, I wouldn’t give up all the low quality sleep nights for anyting, because I have a feeling that one day, sooner than later, neither one is going to be crawling into bed with us, and we’ll be crawling into their beds to get the comfort of them being near us!
Gertie says:
I would like to throw my support behind mattress on the floor. My youngest was the same way. Awful awful awful seperation issues. So crib was out. Mattress on the floor was in. Pushed into the corner. I laid down with him until he fell asleep and then if he woke up, I could go lay down with him again. Gate at door so he wouldn’t wander the house. Worked like a charm. : )
Gertie says:
Oh.. I meant he has his own mattress on the floor in his own room. I only go in there if he wakes up. At first, he woke up a lot but now he pretty much sleeps through the night. : ) I think it makes for a nice and easy transition into his own bed.
I did the same thing with my 3 year old, who now sleeps in his own room with no problems.
Emma says:
I am sure a dozen other commenters have said the same, but we move our girls once they have fallen asleep. They are older now, 6 and 4, so if they wake up in the midlle oft he night they just make their way to our room. Sometimes we have an entire child free night, but more often than not I wake up to a child (usually the younger one) cuddling with me. I think I will really miss them when they stop coming in.
LaurieSL says:
Such a tough situation. I loved cosleeping with my baby girl too, it was the most precious time with her so far. But she started doing what Annabel is doing and she started sleeping in her crib around 7 months. It was so hard, and I’m sure that it’s so much harder for you to put Annabel down in her crib. My suggestion would be to continue to cosleep, but use an air mattress on the floor and make sure your bedroom floor is as safe as possible if Annabel crawls away during the night – maybe even use the gates that you’ve been using in your house? Wrap that around your sleep area?
Dora says:
Oh, the shirt post! OW!
Now is not the time for sleep training. As cindy w said, Annie is right in the midst of normal separation anxiety phase. I just read a good book that discusses different developmental stages and when there are good windows for sleep training, and when to wait it out. It’s called Bed Timing: The “When-to” Guide to Helping Your Child to Sleep.
On a personal note, I am a hardcore cosleeper. As a single working mom, I treasure my nights with my daughter. So far, she wakes up slowly and moves around as she wakes up, so I wake up and am aware of what she’s doing and where she’s going. Our difficulty is bedtime. No matter how tired she is, she wants to play and crawl around and stand, etc., until she finally passes out. I’m the bedtime baby herder, making sure she doesn’t dive off the bed.
heather says:
I am not sure if someone mentioned this but I just bought bed rails for our bed (the kind you put on your kids bed when they transition to a big kid bed). The good kind come in a set of two and have straps that go under your mattress to keep them from moving out from the mattress. I actually bought two sets double them up so they would cover most of the top of the bed and the bottom half of the bed (we have a foot board so we didn’t worry about the bottom of the bed. I left a little space open at the bottom of the bed and every day I taught my guy how to “slide”off the bed on his belly and feet first and finally he learned. Plus, we baby proofed our room. I can’t do the CIO and I did have the crib in my room but if he saw me he wanted me. Sorry this was long but hope this helps and good luck!
Jayne says:
Haha, I’ve been writing about our co-sleeping conundrum too, totally get where you’re coming from, except my littl’un is two, and instead of climbing on the bedside tables, we just get kicked hard in the kidneys a couple of times a night!
Don’t know if you’ve seen them (or if anyone else has commented the same thing, I love your blog, but I don’t have time to read 140 comments!) but you can buy these things which are like a mini-crib-bed sectioning-thing…they go in the middle of the bed and basically create baby’s own space in the shared bed.
Heather ann says:
Put your mattress on the floor. Make a safer arrangement with the tables, baby-proof your room, and either put a gate at your bedroom door or close the door and put on a knob cover. Stop traumatizing yourself by trying to separate from her. I don’t think your soul could handle that. Much love.
Hannah says:
My mom used a few different options, like:
-She would hold me until I fell asleep and then carefully, carefully slip me into my crib and steal away.
-She would allow me to tire myself out playing until I would fall asleep, when she would carefully, carefully slip me into my bed and steal away.
Basically you have to do a lot of staying awake and sneaking.
But you should know that once my parents split up and I moved in with my dad, I ended up sleeping in my dad’s bed a 1-3 nights a week until I was just about 12.
I think I may have always been a person who needed lots of cuddles, but I also think I might have developed better coping methods had mother used different methods to ween my need. But, seriously, is it so bad for a child to want to sleep next to someone who’s gonna stop the serial killer when he busts through the door?
Another interesting thing to note is that when my dad got re-married when I was about 13, my step sister would co-sleep with him and his wife (again, until she was around 12). We are now both very outgoing, friendly and spontaneous young women who can form friendships easily. My older brother never co-slept, and he is very much the opposite of us. I’m sure there are many conditions and factors that result in a personality like my brother’s, but I feel fairly confident that he would be different in many ways if he had gotten to experience that bond with either one of his parents.
I’m defs pro-co-sleep in moderation.
Hannah says:
I should also point out that both my sister and I decided when we were done co-sleeping, it just happened around the same age for each of us.
Ray says:
Maybe get a playpen and put it in your room. That way you’re right beside each other, and everyone sleeps well and safe.
Good luck with that!
TracyKM says:
What about babyproofing the room….use a child-friendly lamp (we love IKEA’s “Spooka”), put the clock on the floor or just use a watch with an alarm, etc. It’s not forever.
Let her fall asleep in your bed, then put her in a crib or playpen…but pre-warm it with a hotwater bottle or heating pad, and include a smelly nightgown
I totally agree that forcing her to go to sleep alone in a crib is not logical to her right now, so you have to do what you can to change your own side of the equation
mommymae says:
our twins slept well, but the other 2 needed guidance. we went to a sleep clinic where they gave us the tools to help them learn to sleep on their own. it was a 3 phase process that took 2 weeks, but it was wonderful and did not involve crying it out. call a local sleep clinic and see if they have a program for kids. it was just a co-pay for us.
catherine Lucas says:
Well, for once I have read all the comments. Boy O boy… What are present day moms doing to themselves? Do any of you remember whether you were co-slept by your parents? Do you remember being left alone to sleep in your little cot? Come on people, where has all the common sense gone?
I can’t help but thinking that a lot of the problems are brought on by silly thinking paths… I have no idea if this co-sleeping thing is an american thing or whether it exists in Europe too, but hec, what is wrong with a good bed time routine, bath, reading a story, nightlight on and done?
Why do babies have all that mental power over parents nowadays?
What happened to parents being parents and deciding in the interest of the child? A baby of 8 months old should not dictate the sleeping routine in a house, well, actually, not even a kid of 3, 4 or 10 should dictate the routine in a house. Parents need to learn how to be parents again, and lead their kids into life, keeping in mind their safety but also providing boundaries. I can’t help but feeling rather distressed over all those babies who get power they can’t do anything with… A baby does not know what is good for him or her, it’s the parents that need to be on top of things.
For godsakes, what is wrong with putting babies in their own room, so the whole family can get some sleep? Babies that sleep good give parents good sleep and the whole family will be happier. Al that co-sleeping is in my eyes totally un-nessessary problem creating material… I am sure that when our kids were small we made mistakes (mine were small in the seventies 1975-1979 and 1980), but at least we got some sleep! If I would have had to co-sleep it would have driven me nuts… Just like it is driving all the present day moms nuts, or so it seems…
Sorry ladies, could not sit on my hands anymore… I will go hide in my cave now…