I didn’t take Annabel to the emergency room last night. Mike and I discussed it at length, and we decided that if her condition got any worse, we’d take her in immediately. It didn’t, and luckily we all managed some sleep. It might have helped that I had her sleeping ON me. Who that helped more, I’m not sure.
Dr. Looove, our family doctor, checked her over for everything. She could tell Annie is very congested and working a bit harder to breathe, but luckily her lungs were clear. Her cough is being caused by her nasal congestion leaking back into her throat (ew). She does have fluid on her ears, which explains the head shaking she started doing a couple days ago. Dr. Looove said her ears feel clogged because of that.
Because Dr. Looove is awesome and anticipated my every question, she also arranged for a pulse ox test. This checked to see how much oxygen Annie was getting into her blood stream. I flashed back to the last time I sat in a chair in Dr. Loove’s office with Maddie during a pulse ox test. Maddie’s number was in the 60s (bad) and that’s what lead to the ambulance taking her to the hospital. Annie’s test took a while to read accurately. The first numbers that came up? In the 60s. I don’t know how I didn’t fall out of my chair – especially because it took a while for the numbers to regulate. Finally, they settled at 94.
We have strict observation, fluid intake, and rest directions. If her cough doesn’t go away in a couple days, she needs to be brought back in. Dr. Looove assured me that Annie will be OK, and I know this. But there is still that little part of me that is totally freaked. When my normally rambunctious baby wants to snuggle and be held, something is wrong.
The whole experience has reminded me that my children can’t live in a bubble, but I sure wish they could. I am the mommy and I’m supposed to protect my girls and keep them from harm’s way. I failed with Maddie. I don’t like the reminder that I could with Annie. I don’t like the universe throwing a big, “don’t forget you really have no control!” message in my face.
I might start constructing a bubble, just in case.
Annie Y says:
I’m glad she;s doing okay. My little guy gas the sane things going on right now and I’ve been snuggling up with him in my bed every night too. Hang in there and sending happy thoughts your way!
Alice says:
So happy to hear Annabel is doing well.
Please don’t think you ‘failed’ Madeline. What happened was out of anybody’s control, especially yours. You protected her, held her, comforted her through all the days she was on this Earth. You and Mike could not have been more conscientious, caring, fastidious about her medication and breathing treatments. Even now she is gone, you are keeping her memory alive, helping her help other children and creating a wonderful legacy in her name. You couldn’t love that little girl any more if you tried and if love were enough she’d still be here with you guys.
Nikki says:
What a beautiful, TRUE message. I couldn’t say anything better or more accurate. You didn’t fail Maddie, and you certainly aren’t failing Annie. You’re a wonderful mom, Heather.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
MS says:
100% agree with Alice. Glad Dr. Loooove put some of your worries at ease. Hang in there Spohrs!
keri says:
Heather, Alice says it best. You didnt fail Maddie. while you feel like you did, pls know, you didn’t.
Megan Jeffery says:
Exactly what I was going to say!
Marianne says:
Beautiful, loving post, Alice.
Many prayers for little Annabel to feel better.
jacky says:
((Heather)))
You did NOT fail Maddie. I can understand why you feel like that, but you didn’t. You were/are a fabulous mother and you did everything you could and beyond for her. Please know this. Somewhere you must.
Love Love Love
mommaliss says:
I read this from my phone, then I clicked the “keep unread” button just so I would remember to come here and comment… but clearly a whole lot of other people had the same comment in mind, so I will just say – ditto to that comment up there!
Kristen says:
I remember thinking, when Annie was finally born, that it was just the start of another hard chapter for you & Mike; I started counting those 514 days with you, like so many of your loved ones did. These experiences – the acute & sharp-as-a-knife memories and feelings you’re having – I think they are how you can KNOW you ARE the wonderful mother you strive to be every day. You did not fail Maddie. No bubble that you or this extended family could have built, despite our collective genius and force-of-nature love for your baby, could have saved her, as much as we all hate it. But… I believe that by living through this, you are making a new woman of yourself, and Annie will reap the fruit of what you are planting with all of your trials and all the hard work you put in every day to face them. You ARE the mommy. You DO protect your babies. You have, EVERY SINGLE DAY, since you became a mother. In spite of all that, (stupid) Life will keep reaching up and smacking you in the face with that message. Life isn’t picking on you – that smack, that message, it’s just part of the package when you become a parent, I think. It is my deepest wish & hope for you & Mike that you will be able to reach a place where you can see yourselves as we see you, treat yourselves with the same kindness and love with which you treat us all, with which you treat Annie… and that you can know that what happened to Maddie was not your fault. With love from my Mr. M & I, as always….
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Alice is right. In NO WAY did you fail Maddie.
I’m so glad Annie is ok and that Dr Looove knows to look after you as well I hope she feels a whole lot better very soon – and you do too. Lots of love and hugs to you all.
Joyce says:
I’m so glad Annabel is okay and I hope you get some rest and relief too. Also, I would totally like to get in on that bubble action for my girl if you construct one… maybe you could sell them on ebay?
catherine lucas says:
Glad you trusted your gut feeling and did not go to hospital. You have a lot of emotional demons to take care of, I do hope for you, Mike and Anny that you can hold of building a bubble. Annie is not Madeline, she has a lot more options sadly enough then her little sibling had, Annie is a healthy baby. And they do get colds and get sick at times. I wished I could magically take away the demons… Hope Anne gets well soon…
NoL says:
Good to hear the update. Glad you were able to stay home & get some sleep, too. May this cold be very brief and Annie back to her bubbly self soon.
Lynnette says:
I am glad that you, Mike and Annie are breathing a little easier. You have found a true gem in Dr. Looove. It is great that she is taking such good care of you and Annie. She has truly sensed your every emotion at your visits. Just like the rest of us, she knows that Maddie’s passing was NOT your fault. I hope and pray that some day you too can feel that. Although as a fellow Mom, I know that a small thread of that guilt will probably stay with you for waaaaaay too long. Sending lots of hugs your way.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Please post directions for how to build a bubble, because I’d like to make one for my kids, too. (I’m so glad little Annie is breathing easier; we’ll continue to keep her in our thoughts for a speedy recovery.)
Vicky says:
Oh no,,, you did NOT fail Maddie. No way, no how.
Merrilee says:
First time, long time.
You did not fail. You.Did.NOT.Fail.
karen says:
You never failed Maddie… that way of thinking has to stop. You are a wonderful mother, always were. Some things happen in spite of good parenting.
anotherheatherfromcanada says:
You DID NOT fail Maddie !! Like many others have said, it was out of anybody’s hands what happened. You are and have been a WONDERFUL mommy to those 2 beautiful baby girls !
Sherri says:
Oh Heather, you did nothing to fail Maddie. Nothing. You did everything you could to give her the best life ever. You and Mike are spectacular parents, and fun, and generous, and gifted and kind. What happened to Maddie was horrible…it is beyond words…but it was. not. your. fault.
Catherine says:
Love for our children surrounds them forever, so maybe it is a bubble of sorts. Yours will always be around Annie, and Maddie too. You know how horrible we all feel when we have a congested cold, oh poor Annie! Be well.
Corinne says:
I agree with EVERYTHING that Alice said. So I’m going to quote her because you need to read it twice.
“Please don’t think you ‘failed’ Madeline. What happened was out of anybody’s control, especially yours. You protected her, held her, comforted her through all the days she was on this Earth. You and Mike could not have been more conscientious, caring, fastidious about her medication and breathing treatments. Even now she is gone, you are keeping her memory alive, helping her help other children and creating a wonderful legacy in her name. You couldn’t love that little girl any more if you tried and if love were enough she’d still be here with you guys.”
Pgoodness says:
Oh, heather, you did NOT FAIL Maddie.
Sick babies are scary for every parent but I imagine that fear is at least doubled for you..,and I would say that’s totally normal. (but let me know how that bubble turns out!
Terri says:
Heather you never failed Maddie. You were a perfect loving wonderful Mommy to her and you did exactly what you should have done in that situation… the same thing we all would have done. Ill never understand why that happened to Maddie but it wasnt anything to do with you or Mike failing her. I’m glad Annie is doing a little better and you all got to rest little. Get well soon Annie!! Thinking of you all!
Lora says:
Even just reading this post made my heart start racing for you. I wish that Annabel never had to be sick either, it would seem like a fair trade after all you have been through. But hopefully this experience and others to come will help heal some of those wounds, help you re-discover your intuition that you think is lost, help you realize that, as everyone has said, you did NOT fail Madeline but in fact did the very best any parent could do and were just dealt a shitty hand.
So many loves and hugs to Annabel, and to her mama, as she gets over this cold. She is a big strong girl!
DefendUSA says:
I hate bandwagons. But, I *must* get on here. Maddie’s precarious birth and her little self were built of a much more frail body than Miss Annie. And you just cannot blame yourself any longer for what happened. You shouldn’t.
Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. What if you took Maddie in as soon as you saw she was feeling off? She gets checked out, it’s a cold/flu and you take her home. You feel relief that you have taken care of business and with time, Maddie would be better. You had no way of knowing how much worse things would be!! You did not fail!
It’s normal to me that when my babies were sick, they wanted to cling to me or sleep on me. They just need extra attention. That’s good.
It’s when they are sick and don’t want you that you need to worry!
Annie will be fine. But, please do let go of the idea that you will fail Annie because you *think* you failed Maddie. The truth is that you are the best you can be and you have to believe it or that thinking process might make failure a reality. Don’t. do. it.
Mary Ann says:
When I read your posts over the past week my heart broke when I realized you are still blaming yourself. You did NOT fail Maddie and what happened was NOT your fault, some things in life are out of our control and it sucks. Both you and Mike are the most amazing, caring, loving, dedicated, and compassionate parents. You gave Maddie a wonderful life. When I look at Maddie’s pictures I see how happy and carefree she was, despite what her small body had gone through, and that is a testament to your love for her. You never gave up on her and you still haven’t. You have let her spirit soar by helping others and her legacy goes on. Hugs to you and Annie. I’m glad she’s on the mend.
Erin W says:
Heather…please don’t walk through this life believing you failed Maddie. That’s as far from a true statement as you can get. You are one of the best mothers I have ever seen.
Mary says:
Heather
I use the Baby Vicks on my son Liam. I rub it in his back and on his front and then on his feet (put socks over it). Some women at my husbands Job told me that that “pulls” the cold from them. The Vicks Baby really seems to calm the cough and clear the sinuses.
Also, you are a fabulous mother and Mike father. . You did not fail Maddie and what happened was not your fault.
I would love to right more buy my son, who was on the potty, came into the room and said, look my hands – they are full of poop. .
have a good day – try the vicks. .it works, I swear by it.
xo
mary
Lisa says:
It’s good to hear you BOTH are doing ok. Praying this passes fast and things can get back to your normal. Enjoy the snuggle time since you know once she is feeling better she will make up for lost time…
Cara says:
Heather–in no way did you fail Maddie. You are a bright and shining example of what a mother should be. I feel inspired to be a better Mom because of you.
Jenny says:
I am so glad to hear that A is feeling better and the doctor isn’t worried. It sounds like you are in great hands.
I echo the sentiments above regarding failure. I don’t think you failed at all. On the contrary, you did everything that you could. I am so, so sorry that Maddie’s outcome did not change. Her love and her light absolutely shine through her photos and videos. You did everything you could and then some. I think Maddie was blessed to be born into such a loving family. Her time with you was certainly too short but I do not think she was failed in any way.
Ms. Moon says:
Oh, sweet dear Heather. You did NOT fail with Maddie. Surely by now you realize how hard it was for her and how much of a miracle it was that you did everything you did (and could have been done) to help her get through crisis after crisis, challenge after challenge.
YOU DID NOT FAIL!
No. You did not.
And guess what? Even we mothers whose children have been blessedly healthy freak the hell OUT when our babies are sick. Even now, when my grown kids call me and say, “Mama, I have a cold!” or “Mama, I’m sick!” I freak out a little bit and my world gets darker because I still worry SO much about every little thing that comes their way.
And all of our children get colds, get the flu, get tummy viruses and infections of one sort or another no matter what we do.
Wait ’til Annabelle gets head lice! Oh yeah- we’ll talk then.
You are a fabulous, world-class, wonderful mother.
Now go hug that girl baby. She’ll be better soon.
Carrie says:
Oh sweet Heather, you didn’ t fail Maddie at all. You are such a wonderful mother and both your girls are so blessed to have you for their Mommy!!! I hope Annie feels better soon!
Kim says:
You are an awesome (and honest) mom, and are like all of us who doubt our actions at times. Please do not feel that you failed Maddie. Never, never, never have you failed to pour all of your love into your girls. Thinking of you often in NC.
cj says:
you most certainly did not “fail” your beautiful daughter. you were an amazing mother to her during the time that she was here and you continue to be an amazing mom to her today, in addition to being a super mom to your precious Annabel now too! glad that she will be better soon. take care of yourself too.
Kristin says:
Oh honey you didn’t fail Maddie. You are nothing but a wonderful mother to your girls, BOTH of them.
I worry when my kids get sick and they’re all healthy kids. It’s part of being a mother. You just can’t help it.
I hope she’s feeling better soon.
hugs
Deborah says:
I know I’m just echoing what everyone else has already said, but you in no way failed Maddie. IN NO WAY. I’m glad to hear that you got some relief with Annie and that Dr. Loooove is so GREAT. I’m hoping very much that Ms. Chubby Cheeks begins feeling better soon!
(((hugs)))
Lacy says:
I know it’s easy for us on the outside looking in to say, but please don’t feel like you failed with Maddie. You did everything in your power to protect her. I wish I could give you a hug. ((()))
I don’t even know you, but seriously, please don’t think you failed. It’s obvious she is a very loved little girl. That’s the exact opposite of a failure.
Jana says:
Wow. Whoever Kristen is, a family member or a friend, she is smart. She obviously loves you & Mike and your girls very much. I hope, with time, you can hear her words and believe them. Hearing and believing are different than just listening. You can do this….you do everyday. Just do it one day at a time knowing Maddie is always with you.
Lauren says:
Reading that you feel like you failed Maddie brought tears to my eyes…please don’t ever feel like that’s what happened….no mommy who loves like you do could ever be considered a failure.
Hamlet's Mistress says:
I’m glad Annie is good. But the one thing that screamed at me from your post is where you said you failed with Maddie. You didn’t fail. Life is sometime horrid and unfair and despite our best efforts we can’t stop things from happening. I hope if you really feel that way you find some way to rid yourself of that responsibility and guilt. It’s an awful heavy burden to bear. You. Did. Not. Fail.
HM
Kristi F says:
You absolutely did not “fail” with Maddie!
I hope Annie is feeling better very soon.
lauren says:
Heather,
You and mike moved mountians for maddie. you DID take her to the DR. you DID take her to the hospital. You had NO WAY of knowing how bad it would get. I am Certain as I sit her right now that had you thought maddie was that bad off on sunday night you would have taken her to the ER. You were so loving and careful with her. HAD you thought something was wrong to that extent you would have taken care of it. What happend was so tragic but not your fault. You did what I or anyone would have done. I am a stranger on the internet so I know what I say really has no affect on you but please try to take care of yourself and know that you did not fail. No body knows what is going to happen tomorrow and we all do the best we can.
You are a VERY VERY good mother.
Nicole says:
Hang in there momma. 2 of my 3 kids have colds right now, and my 6 month old daughter is all congested too. She wakes up in the morning snorting and snoting everywhere. I just use the suction bulb from the hospital and try and suction her nose as often as I can!
Jody Curtis says:
You didn’t fail with Maddie. She was meant to be your sweet angel. As much as you loved her and protected her, you could have never changed that plan. Annie is very lucky to have you!
Lisa_in_WI says:
You most certainly did NOT fail in keeping Maddie safe. For some shitty reason that only the Universe knows, this is the way things were supposed to play out. Everything happens for a reason, it just sucks when we don’t understand why or the whole thing (in this case, you losing Maddie) is just so senseless.
I hope taking Annie to the doctor eased your mind. Hope she’s feeling better soon!
Christen says:
Heather- You did NOT FAIL MADDIE!!! You did not fail her. I know that you are still dealing with that, but you did not fail her. I’m not reading all the other comments, but I know others are saying the same thing I am. You did not fail Maddie.
Steam helps loosen up the mucus, so when you guys are showering, the other parent needs to take Annie in and let her breathe in all that warm steam (good excuse to use all the hot water and I dunno… SHOWER! haha). I’m sure you have the vicks babyrub- doesn’t that stuff smell good? I think so anyway!
PBandJazz says:
Heather,
I can’t imagine the pain that you are going through. I am so glad that Annie is doing a little better and that you slept. You are an amazing mother! If I think of the type of mother I wish I had been when my kids were little, I would model myself after you. You are fun. You take time for yourself. You have a great family relationship and a great relationship with your husband, you must cause I can’t think of any other way you could make those awesome family videos! I just sent my son off to college. I kept hearing from everyone, don’t be sad, this means you did your job and did it well. I guess I did BUT it doesn’t take the pain away. You did your best Heather, I know it doesn’t take the pain away or change anything. I wish you health, peace and happiness. You deserve it.
MelissaG says:
Oh sweet blogging “friend” you surely didn’t fail Maddie….I feel so bad that it feels like that for you. You were (and are) super mom in my book. I’m sorry that things failed YOU.
SUSAN SPARKS says:
Oh Heather, you didn’t “fail” Maddie. You gave her the most wonderful life possible for the time you had her. I can promise you, if you could ask her what you could have done differently she would tell you absolutely nothing! She has a Mommy and Daddy that love her unconditionally forever! I’m sure that Annie feels that very same love and knows what a lucky little girl she is to have you for her Mommy!
audra says:
I always get scared when my baby gets sick too….he’s a little bit older now, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I can only imagine how you must have felt but just try and remember…what happened to Maddie was NOT your fault…nor mike’s…nor anyone else’s. It was just one of those horrible things that happens to good people and no one knows why. You guys are doing a great job with annie. I pray for a quick recovery for her and some peace of mind for you.
Ann says:
Oh Heather, the guilt mothers always seem to feel, no matter what. Alice is right. What happened to Madeline was so sad but was so out of your control. You were and are a wonderful mother. Madeline and Annie are both lucky little girls.
Sara says:
You absolutely did NOT fail. You are without a doubt one of the very best moms I “know.” I love checking your blog every day because I always know that I’m going to find a beautiful, eloquent, affirming reminder of what it means to be a great mother.
Jackie says:
Oh, dear Heather, I wish for you that you could stop second-guessing yourself. You are the best mama your girls could ask for! Thankfully, Annie should feel better soon, but in the meantime, I’m glad you are getting some extra snuggle time with your otherwise anti-snuggly girl.
Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts says:
Whoa there, girlfriend. You did NOT fail Maddie. Banish those thoughts from your mind this instant, young lady. Maddie was a fighter. And you fought with her and for her. Because of hideous circumstances and plain old bad luck she lost her battle. But it was NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Just wanted to clear that up.
PS – So glad that Annie’s exam went well and that she seems to be nothing more than a regular baby with a head cold.
Patty B says:
Heather: My heart aches for you because I remember being in your shoes. Trust me when I tell you that there will come a time when you will stop second guessing yourself. It may take a really long time, and you may not even realize it when it’s happened – but you will get there. Give yourself the time you need to worry about Annie not because you failed Maddie, but because you are the Mommy and that’s part of the job. I am wishing and praying for Annie to have a speedy recovery, for both her and for you.
Veronika says:
Aw sweetie, I hope she feels better soon. {{ hugs }}
mama_k says:
like so many others reading, it hurt my heart to hear the pain and guilt you still feel for ‘letting down’ your firstborn. again, like so many other readers, i don’t think it’s true. but i hear it. boy do i hear it. and i appreciate your honesty, and for saying all the things that we say in our heads but not always out loud.
and i know that none of us will convince you differently, because those convictions are intense and lingering and built into our very fibres as mamas. but the only way you failed maddie is the way that anyone else fails our own children – by not being in charge of the universe, by not being able to anticipate and stop all the bad and potentially bad stuff that comes our way. you didn’t deserve it. you didn’t provoke it. you couldn’t have prevented it. but i know that the feelings to the contrary are much more ingrained and that is why my heart hurts for you. so nestle your two beautiful babies close to your own heart. they love and need their mama, and will forever. and what lucky babies they are to have a mama like you.
Mary says:
All of what mama_k said? Exactly!
Tammy says:
I hate seeing you write that you failed with Maddie. I’m sure it feels that way but you didn’t. Maddie and Annie are so lucky to have you for a momma. I’m sorry you feel that way.
Libby says:
Heather,
I also agree with everyone before, you did not fail Maddie at all. What you did was protect her and love her and give her 514 magical days.
I also understand the whole bubble thing. The compromise I’ve come to (with myself) is that I can have the bubble around my babies and I can fortify it and make it strong. But when they want to explore outside the bubble, I have to give them the key. As much as I don’t want to.
You are an amazing woman and magical mother!
Libby
Jenni Williams says:
You did not fail at all! My heart aches for you. I cant imagine how painful and scary this is for you. Yes Annie will be ok.
Trisha Vargas says:
Heather please don’t ever say you failed with Maddie again. That little girl lived more in her 17 months of life than I have in my 32 years. All of that can attributed to her wonderful Mom and Dad. She lived a wonderful life and I am certain she never once felt like you failed her in anyway. You took every precaution, you did everything ever asked of you, you did not fail.
I am sure Annie will be dancing and chasing Rigby around again real soon. In the mean time snuggle her as much as possible.
(((HUGS))) to both of you from Florida
Lessons in Life and Light says:
Oh, Heather. You didn’t fail with Maddie. You were the best mommy in the whole wide world to her. You did everything for her. What happened was something you had no (or very little) control over. Accidents and shit happens–I’m just so sad it happened to YOU.
Annie will be all better before you know it!
Issa says:
I wish that telling you that you didn’t fail Maddie did any good. But I doubt it does. Just know, I believe it. I know all of us believe it for you. You didn’t fail her Heather.
I’m glad Annie is doing a bit better. I hope she’s back to getting into everything today. Hugs to you all.
Kristi says:
I’m chiming in with another “You did not fail!” I know it’s hard for you to believe though. I’m someone who agonizes over the decisions I make for my daughter. So, when I put myself in your shoes, I can only guess that what your feeling is magnified to the millionth power.
When I read this entry, I could picture the whole scene with Annie’s saturation #s reading in the 60s. I really am surprised you didn’t fall out of your chair. You are a strong person. I had a feeling of dread just reading it. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I was there. You poor thing!
I hope that as time passes, that feeling of failure will subside and will be replaced with the knowledge that you do everything you absolutely can for your beautiful Maddie and your beautiful Annabel. Until then, I’m glad that you don’t stuff your feelings down or deny that you are having these thoughts. That will go a long way toward healing, well, as much as you can heal. Hugs and love to you!
Meg says:
You did NOT fail with Maddie, my dear. Never ever think that. There are things in life, and in your children’s lives that are out of anyone’s control. Your job is to love them and guide them and guard them, but you can’t control what happens. You just can’t.
I’m sure you were a fierce guardian of Maddie. That’s part of what makes it so horribly sad, but it does not make it your failure. At all. Ever.
Mama in the Moon says:
I wish I could say something that might bring you comfort. Saying prayers for you and your beautiful family. ((HUGS))
Jessica says:
Heather, you did not fail Maddie in any way shape or form. We can’t control what happens and I’m SO sorry you are feeling this way. I can’t even imagine the pain you feel, but know we all LOVE and SUPPORT you from ALL over the world. Here’s to hoping Annie feels better soon…and you too!
Katrina says:
You failed with Maddie? Oh, that hurt my heart to read. It’s simply not true.
It’s easy for me to sit back and tell you this. But I know how it’s almost impossible for you to not feel that way. I understand that feeling. I feel that I failed my daughter, too. I failed to keep her safe in a car 13 years ago. At the time, she was 4 years old, and I could have researched more and put her into a much safer carseat instead of a booster seat. And that day of the accident, I could have chosen to transfer car seats/booster seats into our much larger and safer van and then continue on up to Big Bear. But I chose to be lazy and stay in our small little Jetta…didn’t want to take the time to do the switch. I was anxious to get our day started up in the snow! Looking back, I sure wish I would have taken the extra 15 minutes to switch to a much safer car. If I had, then she wouldn’t be a brain injured 17 year old today.
So, see? I failed my daughter. How can I ever feel that I didn’t? Emotionally I will always feel that I failed her. I didn’t keep her safe. No matter how many people tell me that it was out of my control — the other car veering out of control and crossing the line of traffic into our car — I will still always know that I could done certain things which would have prevented what happened.
As mothers we feel we should be able to keep our babies safe at all times. We should be able to do this. It’s our job, right? But there truly are some things that we just have no control over. With Maddie, you didn’t know as much as you did in your pregnancy as you did with Annabel’s pregnancy. You didn’t know all the problems you would have, or the cause, or how to prevent them. But with Annabel you had much better care.
I always say when I know better, I do better. Now, all my children travel in a large vehicle so that we are not the smallest car out there on the road, and all of them are in a 5-point harness carseat until they reach 80 pounds (the Britax Regent!! the BEST car seat ever! Or the Sunshine Radian 80! See my blog for more info on car seat safety for bigger kids!) Had I known what I know today back then, my daughter would not have been so severely hurt. Had you known what you know now back with Maddie’s pregnancy, perhaps she would have had more time in the womb. But we simply cannot blame ourselves for not knowing something. Again, when we know better, we do better. (this is thinking about it logically instead of emotionally — easy for others to do but much harder for us moms…because emotions always come into play! and emotionally we will always blame ourselves. Sigh. It’s just the way it is, I guess.)
You are a wonderful mama. Try hard not to let the emotional feelings prevent you from truly knowing and believing that!
(((hugs)))
Christen says:
Katrina- Thank you for sharing your story! You didn’t fail your daughter either. You and Heather are leading the way to help protect the other mothers out there and their precious children!
Emily says:
Although I haven’t been at it as long as you, I have found that being a parent is hard no matter what the circumstance. Bubble or no bubble there are things in this world that are beyond our control … As much as we control freaks might like to deny it. All we can do is take every single day and appreciate it for what it is. Enjoy each moment! Cherish the time that we have! I can’t imagine walking even a second in your shoes, but please know that I’m thinking and praying for you and your beautiful family.
Tara says:
You did NOT fail with Maddie! Sometimes unexplainable and unimaginable things happen. Just because we are able to look at the past and see where we could have done something different, doesn’t mean one failed. You only fail if you have learned nothing from tragedy.
Michelle H. says:
I’m so glad Annie is ok. Heather – you did not fail. I know it’s your mind feeling that way, but I really pray someday you are able to realize you were and are the best mom you can/could be to Maddie and Annie. No one could do or be more than you are for them.
roo says:
You did NOT fail Maddie. You didn’t. Please know that.
PS: Glad Annie is improving.
jodi lewandoski says:
You didn’t fail Maddie Heather. You didn’t.
Every child should be so lucky to have parents that love them so much!
jodi lewandoski says:
I didn’t read any of the comments before I posted….obviously there’s the majority rule out there…
you guys are awesome parents.
Erin says:
Here’s an idea for creating a bubble, in case you have a lake nearby… http://www.likecool.com/Underwater_Bubble_Room–Projects–Gear.html
maile says:
So happy she’s okay. Sending love to you and your fam.
xo
Jenn says:
Aaahhh Heather…you didn’t fail Maddie! In fact, you did everything BUT fail your little girl! You were her advocate since the day she’s been born! You stayed up countless amounts of nights when she was ill and when she was admitted to the hospital, you never left her side. You were ALWAYS there to comfort and love her with everything you had.
When things got really bad, both you and Mike stayed with her and witnessed what no parent should ever have to. You stayed with her Heather…. you STAYEDand I know she knew you both were there.
I don’t know why Maddie had to leave. It breaks my heart she did but I can tell you without hestitation, she did not go b/c you failed her. Your not going to fail Annie either. You will continue to use your Mama Insticts and Annie will be just fine.
Both Maddie and Annie are lucky little girls because they have you and Mike as their parents. It’s so easy to see how much you guys adore, have fun with and LOVE both of the girls. Love NEVER fails….and Heather….either do you!
Marti from Michigan says:
Tears in my eyes – – Heather dear, you and Mike DID NOT fail with Maddie. I don’t know what happened, but it was not your fault!
This might help Annie: Pat her back fairly firmly with your hands balled up into fists. Not real hard, but fairly firmly. This is one of the exercises that kids with cystic fibrosis have to go through, only their poundings are more aggressive. It helps loosen the mucus and bring it up. A little Vicks Vaporub on the chest can also help, even though it has a strong menthol scent. I like Vicks and its scent, but then I’m weird….. I also like the scent of BenGay. Wash your hands every time you change Annie or wipe her nose – so the germs don’t get spread around. If her nose is full of gunk, she won’t like it, but you can use the bulb squeeze “thingie” to get more mucus out of her nose.
I hate getting colds and I hate it even worse when little ones get colds because they don’t know what is going on, and they don’t know how to blow their little noses. It just breaks my gramma’s heart.
Erin M. says:
It’s easy to blame yourself because in doing that you are answering the most difficult question of all, the one that never has a satiating answer–WHY?
I don’t know why, but I do know that it is not your fault. Alice is right and put it so beautifully. Your love is bountiful for both daughters and it shows through everything you say and express on this blog and I’m sure in person as well. Trust your instincts and Annie will continue to soar! (((HUG)))
littlemissellie says:
You didn’t fail with Maddie, it was beyond your control, this is such an important thing to remember. You are a fantastic mother, I hope Annie feels better soon, hugs to you and your family.
Kelly says:
In a million years you did not fail Maddie. Hopefully Annie’s cold clears up in a few days, and all will be right again!
Teresa Kelly says:
I’ve been a loyal blog follower for a long time and have been content to read your posts, rejoice with you, mourn with you and lift you and your family up in prayer. However, I felt I had to respond to this post. I’m so very glad that Annie is not seriously sick and will be much better after some more time, patience and lots of hugs. However, I had to say that you absolutely did not fail Maddie! Anyone who has children (mine are 23 and 21) will at some point second guess decisions they’ve made and wished they could go back and change things. That doesn’t mean we’re bad parents or didn’t do the absolute best we could at the time. I can’t start to imagine what you’ve gone through but want to say that I’m in awe of you and think you’re an AWESOME mom! Maddie and Annie are both blessed to have you as their mommy.
Teresa
PS-I’ve tried to send you an email (thesphors@gmail.com) about something else for the last few days and it keeps coming back as an invalid email address. Suggestions?
Heather says:
it’s spelled wrong! thespohrs at gmail.com!
Kelly says:
Oh, you didn’t fail Maddie. Please don’t ever think that. You were the absolute best Mommy to her and should never believe that what happened is your fault. She was your daughter for a reason… you were exactly the Mommy she needed and you most definitely did right by her.
Overflowing Brain (Katie) says:
I’m sure I’m like the 800th person to say this, but in case it needs to be said again (I know how stubborn you are), you did not fail Maddie.
Unless loving unconditionally, caring for and being a wonderful parent is failing.
Kirsten says:
I can understand your worries. One suggestion that has saved us from ear infections is to find a massage therapist who does lymphatic drainage massage. It is light touch, lasts maybe 10 minutes for children, and helps clear the fluids from the ears. Hope everyone feels better soon!
Laura says:
Heather,
I have been a long time follower as well — every day looking to see what great and intuitive thoughts you have had or beautiful pics you have posted. I also work with families every day who are struggling with little ones birth to three with medical conditions or delays. Every day I work with families that try hard and whose situations turn out full of hurt and pain like yours did. Every day I work with families who don’t try and who do fail their kids. Every day I witness parents struggle, parents succeed, parents fail, parents give up and parents sit by and do nothing. I have been following you for years and you have amazed me. Your candidness and honesty have helped so many of my parents whom you will never know. You did everything in your power and continue to do everything in your power to take care of your girls and you do an AWESOME job!
You DID NOT FAIL Maddie… Never have, never will…
Laura
Nancy Smego says:
Awe, Heather. I hate to hear you say that you failed with Maddie. You were a wonderful mother to Maddie!!! You are just as great with Annie. In fact, you ROCK as a mommy. Take it from me (a great mommy herself) – you did NOT fail Maddie!!!
Liz says:
Oh, Heather, you didn’t fail Maddie. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
Hugs.
Rebecca says:
Heather, know that you did not fail Maddie.
Amy says:
You did not fail Maddie. Ever.
Stephanie says:
I’m glad Annie’s doing better. Please don’t ever think you failed Maddie. NO WAY.
Deidre Blair says:
I see many people jumped on your last sentence that you failed with Maddie…No you did not…..I did not fail with my husband…God just had the upper hand in these situations and we just can’t ask why. Rather look around for all the blessings. I know I still can’t find any with my daughter not having a father….So acutally I am the wrong person to talk to this about.
Jamie says:
You DID NOT fail. You did not fail. You DID NOT fail. repeat this until you can believe that you DID NOT fail!
Lisa says:
I’m glad Dr. Looove was able to settle your nerves a little bit. Annie will be just fine.
Remember you are an amazing mom, amazing. Trust yourself, trust your instincts.
Love and hugs.
Mer says:
You did not fail Maddie. If the love of amazing parents could have saved her, she would be running around right now. It breaks my heart that you think you failed her.
Mary says:
Madeline and Annabel are two of the most blessed children in the world to have you as their mother. No one c0uld care for them the way you do. Hope your sweet baby is feeling much better very soon. Thank you for sharing your joys and your sorrows with so many….your strength is truly amazing. I think of your sweet angel in heaven every day.
Darlene says:
You did not fail Maddie at all. You gave her all the love and care that you possibly could. You’re a great mommy and it shows. What happened with Maddie could have happened to anyone, whether they had her in a bubble or not.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is, you’re awesome and you deserve to give yourself much more credit! I hope Annie starts to feel better! Take care
Carrie says:
I’ll take one of those bubbles too!!!
I hope Annie feels better soon – you’re all in my thoughts!
Dawn @ What's Around the Next Bend? says:
I am so thankful that you have Dr. Loooove in your life! To know that she knows what you have been through, so she could calm your fears the best she knows how, that has to be a Godsend!
I’m hoping Annie is feeling better!
Thinking of you…
Hazel says:
Hey Heather,
I know you are going through a particularly rough couple of days with the stress of Annie being sick but I thought I would share with you my own experience of guilt so that you could hopefully put it into perspective for yourself.
I have 11 year old twins; a boy and a girl. When they were 13 months old, they both developed asthma and were in the doc’s office every other week, it seemed. My son got sick on a saturday night. He had a low grade fever. Since we lived on an Air Force base at the time, the doc’s office was closed on the weekend and the only choice was to go to an emergency room 13 miles away if we needed medical attention. Since they were usually jam-packed with lots of sick people and waiting times of more than 3 hours on the weekend, I decided to treat him with fever meds and wait until monday morning. The meds made his fever go under 99 but once they started to wear off, it would rise to 101. On sunday afternoon, about two hours after my son received a dose of infants tylenol, he started to seize unexpectedly in his high chair. My husband noticed it and freaked out. He yelled for me to call 911. I did as I was told but I was numb since I had no clue what was going on. My husband brought my son into the kitchen where I was cooking and he was unresponsive, loosing color, and becoming limp in his arms. I panicked at the sight and I did not recognize what was going on. I though that God was taking him from me without warning. All I could think about was the horror of having to call my family back home with the news that their beloved grandson/nephew/cousin had passed away without warning. The ambulance came and set him in the cold grass. They were working in a frenzy around him and told me that his temp was 104! I had no idea! It was under control with the meds, I thought. After they put some cold compresses on his head and stimulated him with a little shaking and movement, he came back to consciousness and then they rushed my baby and my husband off to the ER.
At the time, I felt horrible thinking I could have potentially prevented the scariest event of my life by just going to the ER but in hindsight, I know that they would have sent him home with instructions to alternate tylenol and motrin. He would have seized probably anyways since what they would have prescribed would have been identical to what I was doing already. The point is that I am sure that you would not read my story and place fault with me for not going because everything seemed under control and routine. The same way I am sure you would not place fault with me is the same way we don’t place fault with you because it quite simply wasn’t your fault! It wasn’t fair and no parent should ever have to experience what you experienced but harboring any guilt or anger against yourself would make Maddie frown from above. She loves her momma and wants to see her happy! I am sure she is watching over Annie too with a protective big sister stance!
I will say a prayer for you in hopes that you can feel better and that Annie will get well soon. Goodnight and God bless you guys! Lots of love from VA!
Elle says:
I hope Annie is doing better and you too. I can understand how difficult it can be to have all of these feelings coming up, not that they ever left. Hugs to you mama!
Bec @ Bad Mummy says:
Hearing you say that you failed with Maddie breaks my heart. You didn’t fail, somethings are just out of our control. I’m so sorry that you feel like you did.
I hope Annie is feeling soon. I can’t imagine how scary this whole thing has been for you.
GingerB says:
You DID NOT FAIL Maddie. The universe dealt your family the harshest blow possible, but you did not fail – please don’t ever think that. You are an awesome, awesome mom, and I’d put my most precious kids in your care without hesitation. Medicine may have failed maddie, but you only gave her the most perfect gift, love.
Elizabeth says:
Hope Annie feels better soon!
Don’t think you “failed” with Maddie unfortunately there was nothing you could do about that. Sending big hugs your way!!!
Megan says:
Don’t ever think you failed Maddie! You are a wonderful mother!
amanda says:
You DID NOT fail Maddie. (I haven’t read previous comments to mine, but I’m sure a zillion people already sadi this.) You are completely amazing. You have done everything you can for both your girls. I hope Annie feels better soon. xo
Chrissy says:
Heather Spohr,
You did NOT fail Madeline. I vote we have a new rule: NO more negative self talk. You are a wonderful mother who did everything in her power that she could. Unfortunately it was a power bigger than you and that’s no one’s fault, especially not yours. Madeline knows this. She would be so heartbroken to know that you think you failed her.
Annabel would be too.
Look yourself in the mirror and say “I am and always will be a wonderful mother to my girls and I forgive myself for thinking I am anything less.”
Seriously! Run do it right now!
Hang in there sweetie and I believe that Annabel will be just fine.
Madeline will make it so.
Jackie says:
You did NOT fail Maddie. You did the best you could in an unimaginably hard situation. You did NOT fail Maddie. Maddie knows you did your best, but as you said, it was out of your control. Please do not take the blame of little Maddie on your shoulders. You did what any of us mothers would do, your best.
Please know you are an amazing mom.
mommymae says:
you didn’t fail maddie, heather. you did everything you could to protect her and love her. it wasn’t your fault. you are a wonderful mother, the best mother to those precious baby girls.
Leslie says:
It’s been awhile since you wrote this post, but ever since I read it I can’t get the part where you said you failed Maddie out of my mind. From the moment you found out you were pregnant you did everything you could to keep Maddie safe. You did everything your doctor asked of you and always researched thoroughly anything that had to do with your health or Maddie’s health. I just can’t get the thought out of my head that you think you failed Maddie. You didn’t, Heath, you didn’t.