Heather and I are finally letting ourselves feel excitement right now what with the impending arrival of little Binky. New baby clothes are ready, our hospital bag has been packed for weeks, and we’ve even begun to discuss life once again within the context of having a child. At the same time, however, there is anxiety. We were two, and then we were three. And now – at least in the physical sense – we are two about to be three again. How will this work? Can we be a family again? Will the part of me that Maddie loved so much still be there for Binky to love too?
I had a dream the other night that I’ve had a hard time shaking. In it I was playing on the floor with a baby girl who I understood to be Binky. I was having a good time, and as I passed blocks back and forth with her I marveled at how much she looked like her sister. Then…suddenly…instead of being able to see how much she looked like Maddie, all I could see was how different she looked. I woke up in a cold sweat.
I don’t ever want to be dissatisfied with Binky because she doesn’t look or act like her sister. I don’t want the thought to ever so much as cross my mind. Binky deserves to be loved and appreciated for all the splendor that she is. Her individual splendor.
These days leading up to Binky’s arrival are hard. I wish I could fast forward to the moment I hold her in my arms and feel my heart become hers just as it did with Madeline. I wish I could flash forward to the moment she goes from my conceptual daughter to a real, live one.
That will come soon enough though. In the meantime, I will do my best to push away my anxieties and focus on the excitement of becoming a father once again. Binky deserves that.