My Facebook feed has been full of fresh babies. A few months ago, I was quickly scrolling past them, but lately I’ve been stopping and looking at each scrunchy new face, remembering how good new babies smell, how tiny they are, how perfect they feel when they fall asleep on your chest. I am ready to be pregnant again, to try again. I want my own squishy scrunchy baby to cuddle and kiss and lose sleep over.

I only know what it’s like to have a sibling that’s the same age as me. I’d ideally hoped that Annie would be two years older than her sibling. I’d decided that would be a good age difference – enough so that they could have separate lives, but close enough for them to share experiences if they chose to. My brother and I had operated this way growing up, especially in high school, and it had really been great for us.

Now as each month passes, I do the math and realize Annie and a potential sibling will be at least three-and-a-half years apart. If a new baby is born after September of next year, they’ll be four grades apart in school…meaning they wouldn’t even go to high school at the same time. Or college. They would always be in very different life phases for the first twenty-plus years of their lives.

Does any of this really matter? No, of course not. I know that whatever our situation ends up being, we’ll be so thrilled with it. I think a lot of this comes from me seeing how Annie is around babies now (she stops in her tracks and shrieks with happiness when we see one anywhere), and how she is when she plays with other kids. I wish she had that built-in playmate already. She’s starting to comprehend that her friends have siblings and she doesn’t – at least, not the way they do.

I guess on the flip side if she’s an older big sister, she’ll be able to understand more. I think it would be pretty cool to remember meeting your sibling for the first time. Just imagining the look on her face when she’ll get to hold her baby brother or sister for the first time makes me well up. Hurry up little baby. Come on, body. Let’s do this.