As you may or may not remember, I mentioned that I was in Washington, D.C. at the end of July for a very quick 40 hour trip. Yes, this is the trip where I lost my laptop. ANY. WAY. My mom and Annabel were along with me, and we did have a few hours to grab dinner and get in a bit of sight seeing.
Our meal was delicious, and after walking to the White House, we decided we really wanted to see the Lincoln Memorial. We tried for about ten minutes to get a cab before my mom spotted a pedicab. I have never been in a pedicab…it’s basically telling a dude how much you weigh. But my mom was insistent, and soon we were making the mile trek via pedicab.
We were about halfway to the memorial when I suddenly started to feel some cramping. I chalked it up to my Lady Business, but it SOON became apparent this was NOT another adventure in menstruation…no, this was a completely different body system all together. Something I ate was not agreeing with me. I started shifting uncomfortably in my seat.
A few minutes went by, and suddenly we were caught in a downpour. The pedicab driver pulled over to shield us from the storm (the cab had a roof and we had umbrellas) and right then my stomach cramps Kicked It Up A Notch. I started doing what I assume is Lamaze breathing.
When we finally FINALLY arrived at the memorial after what seemed like 87 years, I hobbled to the Ranger Station at the edge of The Mall and asked if there was a bathroom nearby. He pointed over my shoulder and said, “there, up the stairs, around the corner. Under Abe.” I turned to where he was pointing and calculated that I had to walk about 400 yards. I started to fear that I might not make it.
I left my mom and Annie behind and started slowly walking toward the Memorial. My mom said that I looked like someone who was walking with a stick up her butt. EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE from my toes to my abs was clenched tightly. When I made it to the base of the stairs, my stomach rumbled violently. I stopped walking, took a breath, and willed my body with all my might to NOT crap itself on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
I was 98% successful.
When I made it to the bathroom I…cleaned myself up. And then, while I said the Pledge of Allegiance (because I am nothing if not respectful of America!), I left my underwear in a trashcan. YAY AMERICA!
I’m pretty sure the women in the stalls around me were disturbed.
When I emerged from the bathroom, my mom asked me if I wanted to go back to the hotel. NO! I couldn’t let the stomach terrorist win. So up to the memorial I went, SANS UNDEROOS, IN A DRESS, and it really was breathtaking.
My mom insisted I take a picture with Annabel to mark the occasion.
After that, I told my mom I was done, and we left. As we walked away (with my hands holding my dress down to prevent a flasher moment), I looked back at Honest Abe, and I could feel his eyes watching me: