Madeline’s pediatrician called on Friday afternoon.
I wasn’t bothered. Not at first. The mere fact she calls to check on Maddie is one of the many reason why I call her Dr. Looove. She said that was why she was calling. She asked about Maddie’s stats, and I ticked them off: slightly elevated respiratory rate, low-grade fever, productive yet persistent cough. I mentioned that the glassiness had left her eyes, that her smile was back, and that she’d started cruising on furniture (only in one direction so far, but we’re working on it). Dr. Looove seemed satisfied.
Then she hesitated and said, “I got the final x-rays back from Maddie’s scan.”
She compared Tuesday’s x-ray to the scan that was taken in the ER five days prior, and to an x-ray that was taken in December. There is a cloudiness in Maddie’s right lung that didn’t show up on the preliminary x-ray…and this cloudiness is a concern. Dr. Loove is going to send the scans to radiologists. She is leaning toward scheduling a CT scan for Maddie and is looking to the radiologists to concur. She said she’d call me this week to let me know what they decide.
I successfully made it through the rest of the weekend without worrying about the phone call. But now, here we are in the early hours of “next week,” and I’m thinking about it. A CT scan isn’t that big a deal for adults. I had one last month. Jackie! has them all the time. But Maddie is just a baby. She can’t just LAY there. For her to get a CT, she has to be put out. Sedated. With the possibility of a respirator. And no, it’s not her first time being put under, or even getting a CT scan. But as she gets older we get closer and closer to point where I can’t say, “oh, she won’t remember this.” She already remembers things. She remembers smells and faces and tastes, and who is to say that she won’t remember getting put under? She’s older and much more aware of things. I don’t want her to be scared. And she will be.
Then…what will the CT show? Her last CT was in April of last year. The results were what lead Dr. Lung to diagnose Maddie as having Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia…but she almost diagnosed her with something else (Children’s Interstitial Lung Disease). I’m afraid that a new scan might show that Maddie’s lung issues are much worse than anyone thought…which means more tests…biopsies…hospital visits…treatments…a lifetime of medicine.
A lifetime of worry for us. Sure, being a parent means a lifetime of worry. But I didn’t expect to worry about things like colds. Colds that can make it so hard for Maddie to breathe that she very well could just…stop. She could stop breathing out of exhaustion. That’s not in the parenting manuals. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but it’s hard not to.
It’s not fair that I have to force myself to breathe in situations where my daughter cannot.
Kristin says:
I am thinking very good thoughts for you. Hugs.
Kristins last blog post..Ugh, I hate titles
Spring says:
Heather~ Here’s to hoping/praying that the Xray is just a bad film or that something looks like it’s there that isn’t. I can’t imagine the amount of worry that you have. As mom’s we have worries, but as you said, what you all are dealing with isn’t in the parenting books. My families prayers are with you guys & tonight, as I say prayers with my Maddie, we’ll be praying for yours. ((HUGS))
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
I’m thinking about you guys. {{Hugs}}
punkinmama says:
I’m so sorry! I know we don’t know each other… I’ve been reading your blog for awhile though. I can’t imagine going through all that you have. I have just a small inkling of what you’re going through (in a different way). My son’s been put under far too many times for my liking (he’s just over 2) and it’s tough each time! It’s hard to never really know the full story of your child’s health – I do know that and sympathize with you!
Wishing you and Maddie only the best!
punkinmamas last blog post..because i said so
Maria says:
Oh Heather. I’m so sorry. How scary.
Marias last blog post..wordless – I see you
maya says:
I will tell you what my husband told me as I lay in the hospital bed at 26 weeks almost giving birth to my girls-” unless the doctors tell you to stress- try not to let it engulf you.”
We’re mothers, of course we’re going to stress. It doesnt help when our children are sick. When the doctors told me that soleil needed to have her heart checked countless time, that there was fluid around her heart… I tried not to let it get to me unless the doctors actually sat me down with a worried look. Yes, it’s easier said than done- but you cant break down right now, over a “what if”.
Sending you lots of hugs and kisses until you actually find out if something is wrong.
mayas last blog post..My Roots
perksofbeingme says:
I’m sending as much love and support as I can. Maddie is in my thoughts constantly. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you or Maddie.
perksofbeingmes last blog post..Can you help this adorable little girl?
Kristabella says:
Senidng you good thoughts and vibes and crossing fingers and anything so that all her tests come back fine. Hugs to you!
Kristabellas last blog post..Further Proof I’m Three Years Old
jen says:
thinking about you and hoping for good things
jens last blog post..Rock Star
Becky says:
I’m sending you love and strength, duder. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this nightmare stuff again. If it makes you feel better, I’ll show you what my feet look like. Which is probably the weirdest thing I’ve offered someone. Oh well.
Mom24@4evermom says:
Usually just a lurker, (Boy does that sound wrong. ) Anyway, delurking to say you’re both in my prayers and thoughts. I hope everything turns out all right. I hope it’s much ado about nothing. I hope that the good thoughts and support that are coming your way from the blogosphere somehow bring you comfort.
Mom24@4evermoms last blog post..Help and advice much appreciated…yes, again!
lisa says:
I’m so sorry you, Mike, and Maddie have to deal with this. It really isn’t fair at all. Try to remember that you have countless people praying for you. There is a lot of love in this world for all of you and I’m sending you some right now.
ali says:
dammit. i’m so angry for you guys. poor Maddie. HUGS
alis last blog post..when the cat’s away…
Alison says:
A million wishes for strength for the Spohr trio, and all your families too.
Alisons last blog post..Can’t Take Us Anywhere
Susan says:
That totally sucks. I cannot imagine how stressed you’re feeling and how scared. You’re right – it’s a lifetime of worry but it shouldn’t feel like constant worry. I’m glad you have Dr. Loooovve. And, of course, you have the loooovvee of the internets. Prayers and hugs for you.
Susans last blog post..That Was A Very Long Night
Lisa says:
Crossing all my fingers and toes that everything works out just fine. You guys are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sending internet hugs your way…
Lisas last blog post..How Much Sleep Does Your Child Need?
Danes says:
love you guys. I’m sorry you’re going through this AGAIN.
Bec says:
I have everything crossed for Maddie. I hope the cloudiness is just due to a bad scan. You guys don’t need this
Becs last blog post..100 Books to read to your kids Part 1
Patti B. says:
Hoping little Maddie is feeling lots better and Mommy & Daddy are hanging in there
Sue says:
I happened across your blog today. I too have a Maddie – she was born at 25 weeks (12/26/07) at 1 pound 1 ounce. I feel for you. We are heading to the doctor today because of a cough and hopefully not pneumonia. I thought we were through with doctors, but apparently not.
I hope both of our Maddie’s get better soon!
Take care
Sues last blog post..Weekend Update
preTzel says:
Hopefully the CT will come back negative. I’m sorry that you are having to experience this and my thoughts are with you. Positive thoughts that the radiologists calls back and says the X – ray was visited by a ghost and all is well.
preTzels last blog post..Mom? What Does BiSexual Mean?
Stacie says:
Hugs, Heather. Hoping this is just them over reacting…
Stacies last blog post..On This Day In History…
Danielle says:
I’m so sorry you are so worried.
Thinking of you- let us know what Dr. Looooove says…
Danielles last blog post..Grace in Small Things: 7 of 365 Weekend Edition
Nanette says:
Lots of healthy thoughts headed your way!
Nanettes last blog post..Dear Nanners…
Della says:
Across the internet, I can’t even reach over and let you squeeze my knuckles to pulp. Wish I could though.
Stefanie says:
Fuck. I’m so sorry, girl. Do you need any company on any appointments? I’m here and available for you. I feel your pain.
Stefanies last blog post..House of Pain: Or Why I Haven’t Updated
Ms. Moon says:
I wish I could hold your hand. You’ve been through too much already. But you have to keep believing in Maddie’s so-obvious strengths and force of will.
Which she got from you and her daddy.
I am thinking of you.
Ms. Moons last blog post..Haiku For My Neighbor
Tina says:
Crap. Sorry that you even have to worry about this Heather. I think of you and Maddie often and she will continue to be in my prayers.
Christy says:
Praying for you guys like always. love you
moosh in indy. says:
Oh honey, my heart is breaking for you all over again. Even more so than it ever did before. Maddie is the happiest baby I have ever met. EVER. She also has the sweetest spirit of any little person I’ve ever met. And you? Don’t even get me started on the awesomeness that is you. I don’t know why you’ve been given this trial. And I’m shaking my head wondering “Why them? It’s not fair.”
All I can do is pray for you. I wish I could do more. Cassaroles. Cookies. A night out.
I’m going to be squeezing your guts in one week.
SECRET AGENT MAMA says:
Many prayers are lifted up for you and Maddie…
Jen says:
I found your site through Casey at mooshinindy and I’ve been reading for awhile. I can’t imagine how scary this must be for you. Maddie is so lucky to have such wonderful parents. Wishing you all the luck in the world at the upcoming appointments and I’ll be praying you get good news! {{Hugs}}
Jens last blog post..jbshaw: @perksofbeingme I started one of those too, its a lot harder than it seems.
Just Shireen says:
Sending good thoughts and vibes and all that you’re way!
Just Shireen says:
And by “you’re way” I meant, of course “your way”…
kj @ Where my boys at? says:
Sending prayers and good thougths your way. {{hugs}}
kj @ Where my boys at?s last blog post..Now THIS is classy
Christy says:
Positive thoughts coming all the way from Alabama.
Christys last blog post..Judgement
Anissa@hope4peyton says:
Oh sweetie.
I wanted to be all snarky about the dieting post (because the last thing I need is YOU getting skinny just before BlogHer…I want you to weigh 250 by then, damnit!)
But I had to respond to this, I had to because I know we may have bonded over her unbelievable eyes but there’s sisterhood in fear for our kids. It sucks to never know when it ends, to never know it’s going to be ok, to never have a promise that it’s going to get better. All too easy to let that consume, I do it all the time.
Is ok, you just don’t get to stay there, you get to love and hug on her and take goofy videos of her clapping and growling (MOOOOAR!) and never give up a moment.
Anissa@hope4peytons last blog post..I can’t even begin to lie about it
Leslie says:
I am thinking of you guys!
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children says:
Damn, Heather, that’s scary. Thinking only the best thoughts for you guys.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..Digging out the candles and blankets