The weather here this weekend was beautiful. About 85 degrees, low humidity, partly cloudy. It was so nice that I had convinced myself that on Monday, I was going to call in sick. Then I was going to spend part of the day by the pool, and the rest of the running the 8,947 different errands I have. Nature, however, did not like my hooky plan, and made it rain yesterday. All day. And, just to teach me a lesson, it’s raining again today. And it’s supposed to rain tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday. Is nature awesome, or what? I love it.
So, the pool. I read an article that Mayor Bloomberg had opened up the city pools, and a little bell went off in my head. Then the bell said, “There is a public pool down the street from you.” What, your head bells don’t talk? I feel sorry for you. Anyway, on Saturday, I got my lazy ass out of my apartment BEFORE noon to walk over and survey the situation. There seemed to be a lot of kids, but none seemed to be of the diaper-wearing age, (which always squicks me out with public pools), and everything seemed very clean. I decided, what the hell, and I went to go in the pool. First, though, I had to PASS the POOL USE test. You’re probably thinking that means, “Can you swim? Cool,” but you are WRONG! First, there is a minimum height requirement, which I cleared by an embarrassingly small margin. I thought, awesome, this is why there are no rugrats running around the joint. I went to walk through the doors but I was stopped yet again by the Pool Police, “You gotta lock?” A lock? What the hell did I need a lock for? I posed a more polite version of the question to the Pool Police, and one guy replied, “Because you can’t go in like that!” and looked at me like you would a retarded dog with no eyes. I supposed my expression matched that of an eyeless retarded dog, because one of the pool police finally said to me, “These are the rules: Your shirt can only be plain white with no writing. Same with your shorts. Hats can only be white, tan or straw. No electronics – that means no cell phones, iPods, or whatever. No chairs. If you wanna lay out, you gotta lay on the ground. Only water in bottles, and they must have twist lids.” At this point, I think my eyes crossed. I was wearing yellow shorts, a gray shirt, a red hat, and I had my iPod, my cell phone, two books, and a towel. Clearly, I was to be shot in the face. I was ready to give in, but I had already made the effort to put on my bathing suit and sun screen, and my apartment was like 50 yards and five flights away. I was gonna get my SUN, dammit! So, I had to give in and buy one of their locks, and once I had locked all my things away in one of the lockers on the premises, I was finally permitted to enter the pool area. It’s actually very nice. It’s right on the edge of the east side, so it overlooks the East River and Roosevelt Island. I spent a good hour and a half there before the Pool Police closed the place down for an hour between 3 and 4 so they could all take lunch. Sheesh. Next weekend, weather permitting, I will go back, and I will be all sassy in my white outfit and no electronics, and I will be like, IN YOUR FACE POOL POLICE! And I’ll prance around like I’m the queen of the pool.
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