Something glorious happened over the weekend. My air conditioner was installed! Okay, that’s the happy ending. Let me back up a bit. The weather here in New York is disgusting. It is so humid that my apartment becomes a sauna. It is no fun to try to apply makeup when sweat is dripping down your face. The last time Mike was here, he couldn’t take the heat and bought a fan. The fan helped a bit, as I would basically carry it with me around the apartment, but I knew it wasn’t going to cut it when I had guests. As much as I didn’t want to buy an A/C, I knew I needed one.

Having spent the first 21 years of my life living in places with built-in air conditioners, I had totally taken being cool for granted. When I moved to Hermosa after college, the ocean breeze was more than enough to keep the temperature down in the summer. So, I was an A/C novice. I started asking around, but everyone I knew had an A/C that came with their apartment. Boo! Then, somehow I remembered that Best Buy sold things other than CDs, DVDs, and pricey yet seductive audio equipment. I went to their website, and saw they not only had affordable air conditioners, they also had FREE SHIPPING on all air conditioners! The Gods were smiling on me, to be sure. I am all about free. On the website, I calculated how long it would take to get my freely shipped A/C…and discovered that it would take between 3 to 9 days! No! Nooo! I needed it immediately. Kyle was in town, and I was sick of waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I’d just gotten out of the shower. I saw that there was a small box that said, “in-store pick-up.” There is a Best Buy in my part of the city; I would be able to get it right away! Plus, in-store pick-up was also free. I clicked on the box, and got an email later that day saying my A/C was ready to be picked up! Woo Hoo!

I left my office a bit early that night to ensure I would have enough time to acquire and install my new little box of love. As I was leaving, one of my coworkers said, “you’re going to carry an A/C home? Down 8 blocks and over 4 avenues?” Um…okay, so it wasn’t the most well-thought plan. I realized I was going to need someone to help me carry it home. Kyle! I was counting on him being able to meet me at the store. While I waited for him to let me know if he could meet me there, I went in to the store and picked up my box. The nice woman behind the counter looked at me and said, “there is someone here to help you, right?” and then gave me the once-over. Beeyotch, I could totally carry that shizznat if I wanted to! She then said that one of the workers could help me get a cab. Ah, that’s cool. So I decided to do that and have my brother meet me at my apartment, forgetting that cab prices went up last month, and at 7 pm it costs a dollar extra (don’t ask). My cab ride, going those 8 blocks and 4 avenues, ended up costing me $12! And the cabby didn’t even help me get my box out of the trunk! Asshole.

I hauled the box out of the trunk and then sat down on my front stoop, waiting for my brother to call me back. He did, and said that he would be back at my apartment about 40 minutes later. That meant I would have to either sit there in front of my building next to my A/C box, or I could heave it up the five flights to my apartment. After enduring 10 minutes of looks, I finally decided to carry the box up the stairs. It actually wasn’t all that heavy, 45 pounds. I’ve had suitcases that weighed more, no joke. I was so proud of myself when I put the box down in my apartment! Strong to the finach ’cause I ate me spinach. I looked at the measurements on the side of the box and then compared them to my window. Yes, I know you are thinking, why didn’t you do that before you bought the thing, lame ass? Well, there were two models by the same company that cost the same amount, and one of them had the measurements and one didn’t. I assumed they were the same size. So I got out my handy tape measure, and measured the width of my window. I panicked – it was too big! I almost burst into tears…okay, I did burst into tears. I was covered in sweat! That does things to your brain. I called my dad in a weepy state and told him that I thought my A/C was too small. He asked me if I’d measured from the sill or from the actual window when it was open. Um…no. Crisis averted! However, I had lost my confidence. I didn’t install the A/C that night.

The rest of the week, the weather was really cool and I didn’t need to install the A/C. Then, last Thursday, my parents came to town to celebrate my birthday (early – it’s still 9 days away!). I showed my dad the A/C and batted my eyes and did all that stuff that daughters do, and he said he would install it. However, I needed to get permission from my building, and I had to make sure it was okay that I installed it in my fire escape window. A couple days later, with everything A-OK’ed, it was a go. My mom and I went out for a little shopping excursion while my dad stayed home. When we got back, I walked into my apartment expecting the usual wave of hot, stuffy air. Instead, I was greeted with a cool, casual caress. My A/C was installed!

I can’t believe how much of a difference it makes. I keep a window open in my bathroom, so I leave the door closed when the A/C is on. The bathroom is at least 20 degrees hotter, peeps. Unbelievable. And you bet your ass I leave it on 24/7. I have free utilities in my building, so while I had a waiver in my lease that made my rent go up $26 when I installed an air conditioner, it is totally worth it and I am totally going to get my money’s worth. People! Now I can apply my makeup without sweat dripping down my face! I can apply makeup without sweat dripping down my face while I WEAR SWEATS and it’s 90 degrees with 90% relative humidity outside. I am free! FREEEEEEEEE! And so, so cool.