Tired. Bored. I’m feeling so lazy that I am slumped in my chair right now as I write this, so that my chin is at key-board level. I can’t make my lips form words coherently. For example, my boss is out of the office, so I just answered his phone. I tried to say, “He’s not in right now, would you like to leave him a voice mail?” But instead it came out, “He snottin, wu jewel hike tool heave im a vomail?” I sounded like Drunk Girl on Saturday Night Live. So now, I sit here, staring at the clock on my computer. I’ve read every website, caught up on today’s news, and played about 487 games of solitaire. And, now that it is after 5 in NYC, there will be even less for me to do. If that is even possible. So, here I sit. This picture does not begin to properly illustrate my apathy today. My office doesn’t have a door, so anyone who walks by can look in and see me. Normally when I hear people coming, I sit up so they think I’m working hard. Today, I just don’t care. The mail guy came in with a package and laughed. My office neighbor St. Paddy came to talk, and I remained slouched. I am writing this with my arms stretched out as far as they can. Man, I hate how Fridays just drag on! Look how low in my chair I am in this picture! And yes, I know that some of you are going to make short jokes, so I am also including this picture of me sitting up normally in my chair. And YES, I put on some lip gloss, because damn! I look so washed-out and pale! I really need a tan. Also, I just realized that my shirt is really low-cut…I don’t think I’ll be wearing it to work again. You know, taking pictures here is fun. And it’s something to do. So, now, I present a virtual tour of my office, where all the magic happens.
This is what you see when you stand in the door to my office. The only thing missing is me sitting in my chair, which I couldn’t do since I was the one taking this picture. I didn’t want to ask anyone to take it for me, okay? It may look small, but it isn’t. I actually have the biggest cubby on the floor! At least, of the cubbies I know about, I don’t get around much.
I have a lot of empty boxes in my office. I get a lot of CDs sent to me, and last week I got a bunch of label stuff, like shirts, hats, backpacks, etc. I just haven’t gotten around to putting the boxes on top of my trash can. My laziness knows no bounds. You have to be careful when you walk in that you don’t trip over them like my boss always does.
When you enter my office, immediately to your right is the guest chair. See, I told you I have a big office! I have a place for my guests. Just beyond that is one of my two product cabinets. This cabinet holds all the new CDs. It is obviously evil: look how dark it is!
If you look to the left when you enter my office, you see the wall I share with St. Paddy. Look at his posters. His label is a lot cooler than mine. Just kidding! His cubby is much smaller than mine, which you can’t see from this picture. I mean, his cubby is made of a movable wall. It’s not even a real cubby! Pathetic. The girl that St. Paddy replaced used to be in my office, but when I was hired they made her move. I am Just. That. Important.
This is my brand-spanking new CD burner. I heart it. It makes copies of my CDs so fast, which is important because I make at least 187 copies of CDs a week. And these are the authorized copies. Occasionally, I have been known to use the CD burner for other things. Nothing illegal, though, of course. I don’t want to take food out of my own mouth. I don’t eat enough as it is. Right now my friends are laughing. Pie, anyone?
Just past the burner is my palm tree. In December, I turn it on and it becomes my California Christmas Tree. Once a week the sweetest little man comes into my office and waters it, and cuts off the dead parts, and generally takes care of it. That’s a good thing, because I am not so good with the plants. I kill them. Not on purpose, I just forget they’re there. This is why I don’t have pets.
This is my other product cabinet. I call it the “Good” cabinet, because it is bright and airy, and doesn’t look like monsters live in it. It holds our catalogue CDs, and a bunch of other junk. I keep papers in there, and office supplies like stationary and printer ink. Towards the bottom I keep paper plates, napkins, and cups. This is because our branch is stingy and I have to stock up on stuff. On the top shelf I keep clothing that has the label logo printed on it. These clothes come in handy when I shack it up. Just kidding, mom! I totally bring clothes with me when I know I’m going to shack.
These are the only two autographs I’ve acquired since I started working here. Well, I inherited one of them, and the other I got under the pretense that it was for someone else. I like to pretend that I’m too cool for autographs, but I’m totally, totally not.
This is my little nook, where I spend eight long hours five days a week. I’m all tucked into the corner opposite the entrance. I didn’t choose for my office to be set up this way. I suppose I could always move all the furniture around so it’s a little more Feng Shui, but I think I’d have to throw away my boxes to do that, and I don’t really feel like it.
I have a bulletin board for work things, but this isn’t it. This is my personal bulletin board, and it is conveniently placed behind my back where I can’t see it. I have pictures of my brother and me when we were kids, work friends, homies, a USC flag, a label sticker, a Jose Cuervo pin, and a Jimmy Fallon post card. I am fond of The Jimmy.
Sweet little fridge. It was in my office when I got here, and I decided to keep it. Sometimes I put food in it. Also, it makes a good fax machine stand. I have affixed the 2003 USC Football schedule, a radio station magnet, and a Pacific Cinemas magnet to the side of it. I like magnets. Beyond the fridge, you can see my map of Dodger Stadium, a Far Sidecomic entitled, “The Angel of Migraines,” and the USC football schedule through 2006. Yes, it is out, mark your calendars.
Remember that one episode ofSeinfeld where George had a bed put under his desk? I could do that. My desk has enough room for me to lay full extended under it. These pictures do not do the space justice. I don’t lay under it too often, though. I mostly keep a lot of crap under here. My most prized office possession is kept under my desk, though: my space heater. It was bequeathed to me by St. Paddy’s predecessor. And by bequeathed to me, I mean she left it in her old office and I went in and took it.
I love No Doubt. I got this picture of them from their label and I hung it up where only I can see it. Gwen is like, “Look at me, I’m a gangsta!” Below that is a book on Cancer, which is my sign. Did you know that Cancer is a feminine sign? I didn’t, either, until I opened the book. Learn something new every day. Then there is my label mug. I make everything from coffee to soup in it. It’s resting on my OTHER CD burner, the one that I called the help desk about five days ago…it still isn’t working. Bastards.
Ah, my radio. Another thing that was here when I arrived at the company. I am totally taking it with me to my next job, though. It rocks. Ha, get it?! On top of it is my CD submission pile. It’s pretty big. Sometimes people will call and say, “Have you listened to my CD yet?” And I’ll say, “Simma down, bizotch! I got a lot to listen to!” They should see this pile. And, of course, Simma.
Finally, we have my view. What I stare at for eight hours. All the electronics are new: I just got a new monitor and hard drive within the last month. The frame is a motto my mom gave me, it has a poem about music. Above that I have pictures of me, The Boyfriend, my parents, my brother, and my Gramma. On top of the monitor I have a wind-up toy record player. It rolls around when it’s all wound up. I should have made sure it was in the picture. It’s cute, but you’re gonna have to take my word for it.
Well, that’s it. That’s my office. Aren’t you glad you took this virtual tour? I know I am. Especially since I was almost done loading it all when my new computer decided to be a bitch and lose half of it. So you’d better appreciate what I’ve done for you. Hey, at least it’s time to go now! Yay!!!