Hospital Minutes

12:01 am: finally get Madeline settled, only for a Respiratory Therapist to enter the room for a breathing treatment.

12:05 am: try not to laugh when the Respiratory Therapist tells you she was certain Maddie “had some black in her,” because her hair is curly. Resist making inappropriate jokes and instead politely inform the RT that Maddie is so white you can see her blood vessels through her skin.

12:36 – 1:35 am: get excited because Conan is on! Then get sad because it’s his last week. Then laugh a lot. Then calm the baby because you woke her with your laughing.

1:36 am: put the TV on mute because Carson Daly is on.

2:00 am: dislodge Maddie’s foot from your rib, finally fall asleep.

3:00 am: wake up because the Respiratory Therapist is back.

3:49 – 5:00 am: fruitlessly attempt to keep Maddie comfortable so she (and you) can sleep.

5:01- 7:03 am: Gratefully had Maddie to St. Grandma, who went to bed at a normal hour. Sleep in Maddie’s hospital bed without having to share the space. It’s luxurious.

7:20 – 7:35 am: watch a nurse, resident, RT, charge nurse, and care partner piss Maddie off during exams and vital checks. Start refusing vitals just because you can.

7:36 – 7:45 am: Dr. Loove arrives. She is pissed about the false-negative RSV test. Watch her kick ass and take names. Consider asking her to be a sister-wife. Listen to her plan of attack (take Maddie off IV fluids AS LONG AS MADDIE CAN KEEP FOOD DOWN, slowly wean off oxygen, remove antibiotics, add oral steroid, possibly go home ON FRIDAY), wave goodbye.

7:46 to 8:00 am: Mike arrives. Spend 15 minutes with him before he has to go to work.

8:01 to 11:00 am: SLEEP. St. Grandma sits in a rocking chair with sleeping Maddie. Everything is awesome in your sleep. You are a viking.

11:01 am: Wake up. Watch Maddie barf EVERYTHING SHE’S EVER EATEN IN HER LIFE. Start thinking that going home on Friday might not happen. Clean Maddie up.

11:30: take a shower. Realize that taking a shower in the rain would have been just as cold, but the water pressure would have been better.

1:00 pm: Maddie is BORED. Make diaper hats. Realize your daughter is greedy when she tries to take yours. Feel sad about your parenting skills. Then retaliate by taking her hat. Say words like, “neener neener” and “in your FAAAAACE!”

2:30 pm: feel a bit ashamed about the diaper incident. Remember you are supposed to be the adult. Make it up to Maddie by playing Beauty Shop.

4:00 pm: watch Ellen, of course.

6:30 pm: Mike is done with work! Hand him Maddie. Feel your heart melt as she snuggles into him. Raise your eyebrows when she burps. Then burps again. Then vomits everything she ever ate all over Mike. Remark that you are keeping score, and since Maddie was born you have been thrown up on four times while Mike has been thrown up on 87 times (no joke). Receive death stare.

6:31 pm: consider lying to the nurses about second giant vomit, then realize you are out of hospital gowns. Weigh the options of naked baby vs gowned baby. The decision is made for you when Mike and St. Grandma tell the nurse to bring a new gown. Realize you would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those darn kids!

6:32 – 8:45 pm: have happy Maddie back! Play with her, cuddle her, get kisses, and think, “gosh golly, maybe we WILL go home on Friday.” Then she gets cranky so you drug her up with contraband Tylenol.

9:00 pm: watch Grey’s Anatomy. Feel really stupid when the night nurse ridicules the show. Then realize she’s right, Grey’s is totally weird now.

10:45 pm: Maddie slips into a state of semi-consciousness. Try moving her to a small part of the bed. Watch her immediately return to her previous position. Repeat four times.

11:58 pm: Finally get yourself and Maddie comfortable, only for the freaking respiratory therapist AND care partner to arrive at the same time. Refuse vitals, only to have care partner get snotty. Get all up in her grill and REFUSE VITALS AGAIN. Tell care partner to write on her sheet, “Baby is still alive, with three exclamation points!” Get death stare.

11:59 pm: cross fingers that you actually get to take your baby home on Friday.

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