It’s a weird thing to say that you feel lucky when something awful happens, but I do feel lucky. All of your kind words, prayers, and wishes mean so much to my family. It’s still just unfathomable that this has happened…and yet, we already know how quickly the rug can be pulled out from under you. I am comforted by the love you continue to show my family, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My grandmother died eight years ago this past week, and I was remembering how I coped with what was, at that point, one of the biggest losses of my life. I didn’t really know HOW to deal, and so I spent a lot of time walking. And usually, I walked over to the mall near my office (Media City Center for you locals). I would go to the makeup counter and have someone do my makeup, and it really was such a mood booster. Something about a person fawning over you, telling you your best features and all that. Since then, whenever I have a bad day I will go to a makeup counter.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling really depressed and decided I would make a trip to the MAC Cosmetics counter. There is a guy at my favorite counter that I was really hoping was working (he always makes me feel pretty). Then I looked in the mirror and saw three pimples the size of Texas. The makeup counter just would not do. Mike reminded me that I had three birthday gift cards to my favorite store, Anthropologie. Nothing like subsidized retail therapy! I loaded Annie into the stroller and off we went.

As I shopped, I grabbed every little thing that looked pretty or sparkly or frivolous. I cared less about buying and more about getting some fresh air and improving my mood. Everything was going fine and then a miracle happened – the store stylist came up to me in the dressing room and asked me if I needed any help. I had a PROFESSIONAL STYLIST offer to PICK OUT CLOTHES for me. Never in my life has anything like this happened. So I said, “HELL YES” and she ran off to fetch me things she thought would look good. My mood immediately improved.

I started to try on the first round of items when Annabel started whimpering. I offered her some food but she pushed it away, so I turned her stroller so she could see herself in the mirror. That satisfied her, so I continued my try-on spree, wondering if this is what it’s like to be Kim Kardashian.

And then, when I was in only my underwear and bra, Annabel Lost. Her. Mind. She had a full-on screaming gasping fit. So I grabbed her and started soothing her, hopping around in my dressing room trying to calm her. The adorable store stylist chose to knock on the door right when I said to Annie “come on, shush!” The stylist just heard “come in” and walked right in on a mostly naked me and a red faced angry Annabel. That poor girl is scarred for life.

Eventually (after what felt like hours) Annie passed out. I set her down on the bench in the dressing room so I could fan myself (I have hot flashes all the time), and she stayed asleep. I went to grab the dress I’d worn to the store…and then realized she was sleeping on it.

So I did what any other normal woman would do, and I tried on clothes as fast as I possibly could.

This sleep lasted long enough for me to take off the above outfit and then put on a new one – a cute top I liked, and a pair of pants to wear with it since I’d worn a dress into the store. As soon as I had this outfit on, Annie woke up. I scooped her up and walked out of my dressing room to show the stylist. She and the other workers made their comments, and then Annie coughed, burped, and spit up all over the jeans I had on. The jeans I had no intention of buying because they would use up almost all of my gift certificates. I laughed weakly and said, “I guess I have to buy these now, huh?” and all the girls looked at me and said, “yeah.”

At least they fit.

Dear Mr. Spider,

I had big plans for the day. I was going to shower, take a walk, run some errands. And then I saw you, there, on the wall. Just hanging out with your smug attitude. Normally in situations like these I would summon my husband, but he wasn’t home. So I put on my big girl panties and got the vacuum. That’s when you regrettably decided to move into an unknown location. Not cool, Spider. Not. Cool. I’m giving you approximately an hour to vacate the premises. I’ve left the front door open for you.

Cordially,
Heather

Mr. Spider,

Well, here it is, two hours later, and you haven’t left out the front door. I know, because the baby and I have been standing on this chair watching for you the entire time. I even gave you an extra hour as you probably move slow on account of your freakishly gigantic size. We appear to be at a crossroads. So you can either leave now, or I will be forced to vacuum every nook and cranny of this home, and that sounds really labor intensive. Please, just leave. I’m tired of standing on this chair.

Not playing,
Heather

Giant Creepy Thing,

OK. I give up. I can’t live with a Spider, this place is too small as it is. So you win. The place is yours. We keep the toilet paper under the sink, the silverware is in the third drawer on the left, and I hope you like Lean Cuisines and cereal because that’s all we have in the house. Also, the neighbors will be suspicious of you, so proceed with caution. We’ve enjoyed our time here, I’m sure you will, too.

Wearily,
Heather

Spider,

My husband has come home and informed me that we are not giving you our home, so I guess this means we’re going to cohabitate. Clearly, we need some ground rules. I have taken the liberty of drawing up ours.

~ You will never be in charge of the remote control.
~ You are never allowed to go near me, the baby, or the dog.
~ You ARE allowed to go near Mike, especially when he has a newspaper in his hand.
~ Eating on the couch is never allowed.
~ Don’t leave your webs all over the house, my mother already thinks I don’t dust enough.

Resigned,
Heather

Dear Mr. Spider,

Living together clearly wasn’t meant to be. After nagging Mike until he lost his mind, he searched our place until he found you. I wish you the best of luck with your new residence, wherever the flushed toilet water takes you. Let me know when you settle and I’ll forward your mail.

Fondly,
Heather

As Mike mentioned, I was out of town this last weekend for work. It was one of the coolest assignments ever – I was at a resort complex in Los Cabos, Mexico, and it was my job to tell them what they needed to improve on from a family vacation perspective. I also filmed some promotional videos for them. They got more than they bargained for when I started grilling them on their sales pitch but I digress. Despite growing up in Los Angeles I have only been to Mexico once previously, on a cruise ten years ago, so I didn’t know what to expect. It was beautiful there, and when I wasn’t in meetings or filming I did have to work in my office:

But you don’t care about the work. You want to know the highlights of my trip.

~ I tricked the United States and Mexican governments into believing I am still Heather Buchanan. I swear I am going to get that passport updated…someday. The whole trip I was called Señora Buchanan, and it totally threw me for a loop.

~ One of the cool perks was getting to “try out” a spa treatment. Now, I am a simple girl. If I am lucky enough to be gifted with spa gift certificates from Mike, I get a massage. In this case, the hotel chose a service for me. It was a wrap. If you are like me, you have never had a wrap and didn’t realize that meant you were LITERALLY WRAPPED UP IN PLASTIC AND SHEETS. Like an adult in a baby swaddle. It was strange at first, but then my wrap artist Cecilia began rubbing my head and I started to relax and feel warm and secure. “Swaddling really works!” I thought. And then…you guys. I got my period while I was wrapped up like a Heather Burrito. I am like a walking Murphy’s Law, except with menstruation. I didn’t tell anyone, but I’m pretty sure Cecilia noticed.

~ When looking for souvenirs to bring back for Mike and Annie, I came across a small guitar at a vendor stand. I liked it and asked how much it was. When I was told $25, I hesitated. I’d watched lots of people barter with the vendors and I decided to put on my big girl panties and try it myself, even though I am horrible at it. So I offered him $20. The vendor refused, sensing my fear and uncertainty. I then spent $35 on a doll for Annie. Negotiation. Fail.

~ I actually remembered some of the Spanish I learned over the eight semesters I studied the language. I also learned a lot more French than I realized during the half semester I studied that language, because I constantly said “merci beaucoup” to everyone, like some kind of dummy. I also said the following things in Spanish, with what I meant in parenthesis:

“Why are there bathrooms?” (where is the bathroom)
“You don’t speak Spanish good.” (I don’t speak Spanish well)
“You are a dumb American.” (I am a silly American)
and my personal favorite, “I want to be a dolphin.” (I want to see a dolphin)

~ The pool had a cool whale slide that constantly had a line of at least ten children waiting to ride it.

On the last night, one of my colleagues and I decided to go down the slide. It was a great idea because you see, there are no children in line for the slide at one am. It was fun! Then we got thrown out of the pool by security. Something about it “being closed.” We explained the no children thing, but clearly there was a language barrier because they didn’t see our brilliance.

~ I can survive away from Mike and Annabel for a few days. I cried cried cried when I left, but it was good for all of us. Mike and Annie got to bond, and I got to connect with myself again. And when I came home, I got huge smiles and kisses from all of them – Rigby, too!

This is the face of a girl who gets what she wants:

Oh hey! Watch me do this! Watch me! Watch me! WATCH ME!

Sure, she seems innocent and adorable. And she will play by herself just fine, as long as you are looking at her.

But if you happen to look away?

You just made the BIGGEST mistake of your LIFE. My disdain for you is epic.

Then she goes through a carefully thought-out process to get your attention:

1. she fake cries,

2. she laughs, then sticks out her lower lip when you look at her,

3. she grunts or shrieks, then laughs when you come into her eye line,

4. or, if you are her daddy, she will toss her toys away, then look expectantly at you.

And if you still have the NERVE to not give her your undying attention?

She brings out the big guns:

Even inanimate objects aren’t safe:

WHY DON’T YOU FIT IN MY MOUTH! LASER BEAM EYES!!

So you give in, and you make eye contact, and you see this:

so you buy her a pony, a segway, and a harp-playing monkey, and you hope she someday learns to use her powers for good and not evil.