Yesterday Mike, Annabel and I made the trip from Los Angeles up to Northern California, where Mike grew up and his parents still live. I haven’t been up here for quite some time – not since before Maddie died. So it’s bittersweet to be here now and see all the places she used to play.
This weekend is the Bay Area Brain Tumor Walk, and we are participating in honor of my friend Jackie!, who was diagnosed with an Anaplastic Astrocytoma (brain tumor) almost two years ago. We went to Jackie!’s walk last year and we are proud to be walking with her again. I walk with her every day in her fight against cancer.
Back to the drive up – it was Annabel’s first big trip, and she handled it like a champ. Much better than I did – I pretty much whined the whole time. I haaaaaaaate long car rides. Especially when the restaurant we stop at to eat has a big menu but SOMEHOW doesn’t have HALF of the menu items available at the beginning of the dinner rush. Annoying!
Annie has been busy taking in her surroundings here at Mike’s parents’ house. Luckily, being on the road didn’t stop her from checking in with everyone.
We had Annie weighed last week, and she is already up to eight pounds. Now, this may be normal, but for us it is crazy. Maddie gained weight very slowly thanks to the steroids and the calories she burned breathing. We aren’t entirely sure of what to make of this chubby little thing! But dang she’s cute.
thank you Erica for the adorable outfit!
Annabel had a fun weekend with special people. My Aunt Terry and cousin Christine came to meet her for the first time. My mom, Aunt Lynn, and cousin Leah also came along, and we had Ladies Day, a fun tradition in my family. I also had some sips of yummy pink champagne in honor of Annie. It tasted like rainbows.
My awesome friend Jackie! came to town to meet Annabel as well. I hadn’t seen Jackie! since October and I’ve missed her a lot. I was really looking forward to introducing her to my baby.
They cuddled and snuggled a ton. I had to pry Annie out of Jackie!’s arms. I’m pretty sure she wanted to steal her back to San Francisco.
Yesterday I dressed Annie in a super-cool outfit
thank you Ally for the adorable hoodie!
and brought her with me to Hermosa Beach for lunch with some of my friends. We ate on the patio of a sweet little blue house a stone’s throw from the ocean. I really love Hermosa Beach, I lived there after college and know it is going to be a special place to take Annie to the beach in the future. The lunch was great, and everyone there was so excited to interact with Annie. They were just as wonderful with Maddie, and it brought up some bittersweet feelings.
Annie’s first brunch with the ladies
Maddie’s last brunch with the ladies
Despite all the good times of this weekend there is a dark spectre looming in the future. Today is March first, and next month is April. That Day is growing closer, and I already have a pit in my stomach and a heavy weight on my chest. I don’t know how I am going to wake up on the day my little girl was taken away from me and face the world. I am still taking it day by day (sometimes even minute by minute) and trying not to think that far ahead.
My friend Jackie! is in town. This past Tuesday marked one year since her brain cancer diagnosis. Not exactly an event to toast to. With my birthday looming on Saturday, we decided that the three of us should get away. So we decided to go to Catalina Island. I was there last August under much happier circumstances. And while my body is still unable to refine diamonds, we went big and traveled to the island in style:
It was crazy. None of us had ever been on a helicopter before. Every other time I’ve gone to Catalina, I took a shuttle boat over. That takes an hour. The helicopter took 14 minutes. We flew right over the ferry.
We checked into our hotel, then treated ourselves to a nice dinner at a restaurant that hung over the ocean. After dinner, we got dessert (fudge for me, waffle cones for Mike and Jackie! and we walked around the island. We eventually found ourselves at the same beach I was at last summer, except this time it was deserted.
We split and spent some time wandering around the empty beach, our thoughts and the ocean filling our minds. I thought back to last August. I remember laying on the warm sand under the warmer sun, calling home to talk to Mike and Maddie. I told them that we were going to come back here this summer, when Maddie was old enough to play on the beach and run in the surf. I really thought the next time I came to this island I’d have my daughter with me.
This last weekend Mike, my parents, and I drove up to San Francisco. Saturday was a big day for my Jackie!.
For those of you that are new here, Jackie! is one of my best friends in the world. Last June 23, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor on her frontal lobe. She had brain surgery to remove most of it. The tests came back as an aggressive stage three. She’s undergone radiation and now has a week of chemo every month…somewhat indefinitely.
Yeah, Jackie! and I “joke” all the time about how she, Mike, and I won the “worst things that could ever happen to you” lottery.
Right after she was diagnosed, Jackie! named her tumor “Turk The Jerk.”
On Saturday, my family and I joined over 80 other Jackie! lovers to participate in the Bay Area Brain Tumor Walk.
Our team name? “Turk is Toast.” Jackie! and her dad made toast-shaped head gear for all to wear.
I wore the head-bobbers, Mike wore the big toast, and the little toast…it was for Maddie. You see, Maddie, Mike and I had been planning to attend the walk, and then Maddie and I were going to stay in the city a few extra days to hang with Jackie!.
Maddie was supposed to be there. She was supposed to grab the toast hat off her head and throw it to the ground, making me pick it up over and over again. She was supposed to be in her stroller, or in a baby bjorn, or passed from person to person. She was supposed to be taking a few of her own steps in the walk. She was supposed to take her second airplane flight. She was supposed to be exploring San Francisco with me right now.
Her toast hat is so little. I couldn’t wear it on my head, so I tied the purple ribbon Jackie! gave me around me neck, and I wore her hat like a necklace.
The walk went great. A ton of money was earned in Jackie!’s name. “Turk is Toast” won the team spirit award.
Maddie would have been the most spirited one out there. She’s supposed to be here.
