For a few nights in a row Annabel ate at midnight, four am, and eight am. Mike and I were excited because four hour stretches? AWESOME. But we were cautious because we know that these darn babies love to give their parents a glimpse of restful nights before they yank the rug out from under them.
Well, the rug? It has been yanked, people!
She will still sleep for four hour stretches, but she just will NOT go down at night. I am up until wee hours with her, staring into her wiiiiide open eyes. Here is a dramatic re-enactment:
Most nights you will find me singing her the Go To Bed Song. It goes something like this:
Oh, little baaaybeeee,
Mommy’s going craaaaaazeee,
Go to bed! Go to bed!
OH MY GOD! GO TO BED!
It’s a very soothing lullaby.
It’s not that she’s crying, or unhappy, or hungry, or dirty, or any other problem I can fix. She’s started to realize that the squeaks and yelps she hears are coming from her own mouth, and she LOVES to lay in bed and make all these fun new noises. For HOURS. At TWO AM. And oh man, the noises really are so cute, but I have a feeling they’d be even cuter at two PM. But I wouldn’t know, because she is always sleeping at two pm!
I know Maddie had this problem, where she confused days and nights. But I cannot, for the life of me, remember what (if anything) we did to correct the problem. Other than sing the Go To Bed Song.
I started to write this post with the intention of writing about something Annie and I did this weekend. I went back through some pictures looking for a certain one to help tell the story. Then I came across a picture of my Madeline that took my breath away.
Last week my therapist asked me what I miss the most about Maddie. I didn’t know how to answer. I miss EVERYTHING. I miss her smile, her smell. I miss her dirty diapers and her smelly food. I miss her kisses and hugs and curls and her dirty fingers and her laugh. I miss everything.
I wonder what she’d be thinking. What her interests would be. I wonder what she’d really think of her sister. Would she be jealous or would she be excited to spend time with her?
The other night I was laying in bed, Annie in her bassinet next to me, and I realized that I was sleeping in a room with both of my girls. Except Maddie is in an urn.
This life is so hard. I get overwhelmed by how much I miss her. I still don’t know what I’m going to do without her. When I think about how much it hurts…and I know that it will never stop hurting this much…I don’t even know how to finish this sentence. The right words don’t exist.
A year ago, my life was perfect. I was staying home with Maddie, Mike had his great job, we were moving forward with our plan for another baby and a hopeful move from a condo into a house. And then one Tuesday it was all taken away. I was a stay at home mom with no child. Mike’s position was eliminated while he was on bereavement leave. We didn’t want to move from the home Maddie lived in. It’s hard not to get swallowed up by it all.
I have been feeling guilty. I am so thankful for my Annabel. She gives me a reason to breathe every day. But I realized that I can be thankful for her and still be terribly sad about Madeline. These conflicting emotions swirl around in me constantly.
In the last eleven months, I’ve been asked countless times what to say to parents who have lost a child. I’ve always answered hesitantly. I am no expert even though I’ve been through it. Every situation is different. So when I give advice, it’s based off of what I know we liked and appreciated in our situation.
I was asked by Daphne for this same advice. The child of her friends, Hunter, had his cancer come back for a fourth and final time. Unfortunately, Hunter passed away this past Monday. I’ve also received lots of emails from friends of Layla Grace’s parents. My stomach drops and my heart starts pounding whenever I hear about a child dying. I know the fear and pain and emptiness these parents now feel. It is so unfair.
My response to Daphne was over eight minutes long, and the video below is just a snippet of what I said:
Sorry about the auto play, not sure how to fix that.
Since so much of my advice didn’t make the cut, I wanted to elaborate here.
First, people are afraid of what to say, and often say nothing. This is a mistake. Many people are afraid to bring up the deceased child, fearing it will open wounds and raw feelings. But in my opinion the hardest thing is when people don’t talk about Maddie. It feels like she was never here, and this is what is heartbreaking. It is nice when people say, “I thought of Maddie today,” of “I saw a kid in a dress like the one Maddie wore at whatever today.” Or “I miss Maddie.” These things help, not hurt. Make us feel she is not forgotten. Sending a keepsake with the child’s photo or name, things that help her be tangibly remembered are nice. We have received AMAZING things and we cherish everything.
Six years ago, one of my friends lost her father. I was living across the country from her, and I was terrified. I felt guilty that I had my dad and she didn’t. So I didn’t say anything, and I ruined our friendship for a while. I am very lucky she gave me another chance. She has been there for me since Maddie passed away. I have horrible regret about the whole thing – all I had to do was call her and say, “I’m so sorry.”
Religion is a potentially explosive way to comfort. Unless you absolutely know 100% percent the person will be comforted by mentions of faith, don’t go there. Religion is a very complicated thing in the wake of a child’s death, and they may be angry at God or confused as to how to incorporate the death of a child into the religion that they have known to have their best interests in mind. Even someone you know to be intensely religious may be having a crisis of faith in the wake of a child’s death, and could be angered/saddened by mention of religion. Especially stay away from, “God wanted her more than you,” or “God needed her more,” etc. I don’t care if it is the all powerful creator of the universe, you don’t tell any Mama that anyone wants her baby more than she does.
So many people hate seeing their loved one in such pain and want to fix it. Consequentially, they start talking about how you have to move on, that you will see them again, the child is with God, it will get better in time, etc. All things they think will “fix it.” Don’t try to do this. Follow the lead of the parents. Discuss what they want…if they go to those places you can discuss those things, but don’t try to steer it there. Sometimes I want to talk about Maddie and the unfairness of it all, and other times I want to hear funny stories or talk about reality TV.
Don’t be afraid to show emotion. Many people feel they have to be strong for their friends, that they can’t cry or show emotion. I don’t think that is true. You can be strong AND be emotional. If tears come, don’t fight them. This shows your friends that you, too, are crushed and sad and lost.
Address the horror. People often worry about addressing how awful the situation is, but the parents want to hear that people get the hell they are in. The parents feel alone when they don’t think people understand how awful this is. Saying things like, “This is the worst thing. I am so sorry and sad that it had to happen to you and your child,” helps.
Food is very helpful. The last thing you want to do when mourning is worry about eating. There are always people around after a death, and the last thing you want to think about is feeding them. Mike and I never would have eaten if food hadn’t been sent to us. A gift of food also tells the parents they are loved.
Say or express something you never have before. If you have never told the person that you love them, come right out and tell them that you love them. If you’ve never held their hand, hold their hand. Give hugs. These expressions mean a lot.
Finally, my biggest advice is to not be afraid to take initiative. We often say, “let me know what I can do,” in a situation like this. Well, I can tell you that Mike and I had no idea what we needed. We were so lucky that we had friends and family rally together and just take care of things. A few came to town to help out. One friend organized food, another cleaned my house, two bought the clothes Mike and I wore to the funeral, one put together Maddie’s slide show, a few organized the reception after her service. I could go on and on. I didn’t have to worry about anything because I knew my friends and family would handle it.
Be there for your friends. Call, email, text. Tell them they don’t have to respond. Let them know you are thinking of them, and their child, all the time. Don’t drop away after the funeral – that’s when they’ll need you the most. Be the kind of friend that you would want to have.
If you have any questions or other advice to add, please let me know below.
I had my six week check up yesterday with Doctor Risky. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I got this. Again. *Grumble Grumble* Anyway. I brought Annabel with me because I wanted Dr. Risky and her staff to see the little girl we all worked so hard for. And because I like to show her off because I think she’s kind of adorable. It was great to see them all coo over her. I hope Dr. Risky was proud of how healthy and gigantic Annie already is (up almost three pounds since birth, omg).
My exam went fine, Dr. Risky said I have healed well and she cleared me to resume normal activity. I’m actually kind of looking forward to exercising. Of course, ask me again in the morning when it’s time for me to go to the gym. I’ll be singing a verrrrry different tune. But before I go to the gym I am going back to physical therapy to get my hips and back in a bit better shape. I’m hoping my physical therapist can make some good and easy suggestions to help get me back into shape. Emphasis on easy. Hopefully something involving eating cookies.
Speaking of cookies, there is one thing that isn’t quite right. In the last six weeks, I’ve had to check my blood sugar a few times to see how my body is adjusting to no longer being pregnant. The good news is that my blood sugar after I eat is normal. The weird news is that my fasting blood sugar (my blood sugar when I wake up) is way too high. It should be 90 or below, and it has been 111, 110, 135, 100, and 140. Dr. Risky thought that it is a little weird but she was encouraged that my post-meal blood sugar is at a normal level. But, to be sure, I am going to mention it to Dr. Looove when I bring Annabel in for her two month appointment in a few weeks.
Has anyone else experienced this? I’m not snacking overnight or eating gobs of sugar before bed. I’m hoping this isn’t a precursor to type two diabetes.
I told Annie what was going on and she was like, “whaaaaa?”
