When Madeline was in the NICU, my Aunt Kathy sent her a card every day.

Kathy finished four weeks of full-brain radiation last week. She was incredibly weak, sleeping almost round the clock. The doctors remained optimistic.

Two days ago, Kathy watched a movie with her sister, my Aunt Terry. The next morning, she was in the hospital. And today, she’s gone.

She was only diagnosed six weeks ago.

We are all in shock. My mom is with her other sister, and my brother and cousin are with Mike, Annie and me.

I love my aunt so much. She’s always been such a supportive force in my life. I can’t believe she’s gone.

The only comfort I have is that someone my Maddie knows is now on the other side, and I hope they are together.

Then it was off to Gramma and Bampa’s house to enjoy the holiday. Annabel grabbed one of her sister’s bathers and was all set for the warm weather.

Luckily, she loved swimming as much as her sister did, too.

We all enjoyed ourselves.

She also saw her first fireworks. She wasn’t sure about the whole thing at first:

But she LOVED them.

When we came home, she practiced her flying:

But all good things must come to an end. Luckily, she had someone to snuggle with.

But I think I’m pretty lucky, too.

Happy Father’s Day to my two dads. We love you.

So considering all of that  you’d think she’d be…I dunno, hip with the lingo? Down with what us crazy kids are saying? Up to speed with the slang? But nooo. The kooky comes out of her mouth constantly.

Sometimes she asks me the most awkward questions EVER. What am I supposed to say when she, out of nowhere, asks me, “What does ‘tea bagging’ mean?” or “Why is his nickname ‘Dirty Sanchez?’” or my favorite, “Why do they call it ‘dropping a deuce?’” After I laugh and turn bright red, I tell her to look on Urban Dictionary or ask my dad.

Then there are the things she says about Annabel. One time she was holding Annie and suddenly exclaimed, “Annie is motor boating!” I looked at them totally confused until I realized Annie was farting. I told her she wasn’t using the term correctly, and once again referred her to Urban Dictionary (and yet, she still says it).

Another Annie-related gem was when my mom said, “Annabel, you love to stick out your tongue. You give good tongue!” Mike almost choked.

She gets her expressions confused all the time. I have a very superstitious friend who was keeping her attempts to get pregnant very quiet. When my mom found out, she said, “Oooooh, I get it. She doesn’t want to tell anyone because of the stink eye.” She meant the EVIL eye.

And ever since she started watching The Office, she says Michael Scott’s “that’s what she said” all the time, but wrong. Example:

Waiter: And what will you have, sir?
Mike: I’d like the Chile Con Carne, please.
My mom: That’s what she said!!!
Me: That doesn’t make sense, mom.
My mom: That’s what she said!!!
Me: Stop. Just stop.

Don’t get me wrong – my mom is AMAZING. I don’t call her St. Gramma for nothing. She’s a great sport (although she insists she’s not the only one that says crazy stuff), and doesn’t mind our laughing at the funny things she says as long as we’re laughing. She understands just how important that is for all of us these days.

Yesterday, Aunt Kathy saw an oncologist. This particular doctor had seen Kathy in the hospital last week and she really liked him. He had all her test results and was very positive and upbeat. He feels that staying positive while treating cancer is the first step. The doctor said she has three things going in her favor. First, the tumor in her lungs is not a melanoma (these are fast growing and hard to treat), second is Kathy is in good health and third, she is a non smoker. They are going to treat the brain tumors first and then the lungs. On Thursday, my mom is taking my aunt to the Radiology Oncologist, who will evaluate all the info and recommend the treatment. It could range from localized radiation on the tumors to whole brain radiation. The latter more intense and has more serious side effects, so we’ll have to hear all of the doctor’s reasons for that particular treatment. Later on Thursday she’s getting another opinion from another oncologist.

And then Kathy will have to decide what she wants to do. The radiation would probably take place for 10 days and then that is it…The lung cancer can hopefully be treated in a pill form rather than full blown chemo. There are more tests to be done this week, so we won’t really know the whole picture until the end of the week, if not later.

As you can see, it’s a lot to process.

We are all hanging in there, hoping for good news. We’re taking it all as it comes…we’ve all been through so much. That’s not to say we’re expecting the worst by any means – we just unfortunately know that the worst is possible.

That being said, we are focusing on our positive:

She also has a new celebrity boyfriend.

Next stop, People Magazine!

It’s time for another birthday giveaway! Hop on over and enter to win!

my mom, Terry, and Kathy at my wedding shower

We grew up hearing about the adventures the three of them (and their brothers Tim and Tommy) had, getting into trouble, making each other eat grass, bringing home everything from ducks to turtles to dogs.

the kids l to r Terry, Tommy, Linda, Tim, Kathy

As they’ve grown, they’re still crazy:

I am so lucky to have such fun, wonderful aunts.

Cousin Leah, Aunt Kathy, me, my mom, Aunt Terry, and Aunt Lynn (my dad’s sister)

My Aunt Kathy is an English professor, and I always think of her when I write. Not that she would ever email me to correct my grammar or syntax, but I didn’t ever want to give her a reason to. She helped my brother and me immensely when we were writing our college entrance essays. When I was an undergrad, I took a critical studies film class (her other area of expertise) and I never would have made it through that class without her.

Kathy and my Uncle Bill met when they were twenty years old, and have been married since 1969.

dancing at my wedding

Last week, Kathy was grading papers and preparing her students’ final grades when my uncle noticed she was having a hard time concentrating. Then, he suddenly realized she couldn’t speak. He rushed her to the hospital, where scans showed she had a four centimeter tumor, a two centimeter tumor, and a lesion in her brain.

My mom, Annabel, and I spent yesterday in San Diego, where my aunt and uncle live. I accompanied them to a neurology appointment, where the news was completely different than we were expecting – instead of hearing about brain tumor treatments, the doctor told us the tumors were caused by lung cancer. The cancer in her lungs metastasized in her brain. She hasn’t smoked a single cigarette in her whole life.

Brain surgery is not an option, because the tumors are on both sides of her brain, and the neurologist thinks there could be more that aren’t big enough to show in scans. Today, my aunt, uncle, and other aunt will go to the oncologist to decide on how to proceed.

Every day Madeline was in the NICU, Kathy sent me a card to read to Maddie. They were all different. Sometimes she’d cheer Maddie’s recent improvements, other times she would tell a story about my grandmother. Every day, she thought about us. After Maddie died, she and Bill came right up, and she gave me another card that I keep in my bedside table, so precious the words in it are to me.

It’s hard to wrap my mind around this…I feel like we all can’t catch our breath before it’s something else.  One thing I know is we will be there for my aunt and uncle, just as they have been here for Mike and me.

I wasn’t just looking forward to getting a break from my “Dad duties” though. I was also looking forward to a reprieve from “wife rules.” You see, before Heather moved in I had no idea that eating cereal on the couch was wrong, that leaving my dirty laundry in a pile was unacceptable, or that watching Cops marathons wasn’t totally awesome. Luckily for me, Heather informed me of these wrongdoings and many others once she moved in. With Heather gone in New York, however, I was free to do as I pleased, and I may have even started Tivo’ing Cops episodes the week before she left in anticipation.

To my surprise, I didn’t enjoy returning to my bachelor-esque ways once I was on my own though. Sure, I ate cereal on the couch (and maybe even spilled some – Ha!), and yes, I watched all the TV I wanted (and not a second of Glee, Grey’s Anatomy, or America’s Next Top Model), but I didn’t really enjoy it. The reality – and men won’t like me admitting this -  is that once we are domesticated we’re pretty useless on our own. We’re like killer whales in captivity…you can’t release us back into the wild. After three days of eating nothing but cereal and watching episodes of Cops on location in each of our fifty states, I was itching for my girls to come back and bring structure to my life once again. To my shock I found I was missing diapers and Glee.

The hardest part of Heather and Annie being gone, however, was not being near Annie. Since she was born I had only been away from her for one night, and now on this trip she was gone for four whole days. I wasn’t used to that. With Maddie, I was forced to learn early on that I wasn’t going to be able to spend all my time with her. Her first 68 days were spent in the NICU where there were specific visiting hours. I had no such restrictions with Annie though. From day one we got to pal around twenty-four hours a day, and there’s no amount of watching Dude TV in your underwear that that is worth trading for.

To my relief I found myself back on the job today, and I enjoyed it all…even the lost sleep, dirty diapers, and spit-up. Don’t tell Heather, but I might have even liked this week’s Glee that we watched when she got back. When the brown haired girl started singing Poker Face with her long lost mother? OMG. I might have got a little verklempt. Just a little though. I am still a dude, after all.

Our trip to visit my family in the Bay Area was a good one, but it was hard. It was the first time Heather and I had been up there together since before Maddie passed, and Maddie’s absence was felt in every moment. On our last trip Maddie slept between us in the guest bed, cuddled with her grandparents, and played with her cousins. On this trip Heather and I slept in the same guest bed, but Maddie wasn’t between us. Her grandparents were there, but there was no cuddling with Maddie. Instead, all they could do was show me a photo of Maddie that they had framed by their bed. And while Maddie’s cousins ran around, laughing and playing, they did so without Maddie who was such an integral part of their games last time.

For me, there are few if any places where Maddie’s absence is felt greater than with her family. This is true with Heather’s side of the family too, of course, but it is especially hard with mine as she was part of a little crew of cousins. The last time our little crew was together they kissed and hugged each other, giggled endlessly, and jumped on beds. It was a golden family moment. But it would not be repeated. Now when I see Maddie’s cousins and watch them laugh and play all I can think about is how Maddie isn’t there to run after them. And she should be. She is supposed to be there.

Yes,  the Spohr family has multiplied even with Maddie’s passing. My sister gave birth to Michaela, and Heather gave birth to Annie. But that only makes it harder. I see Annie and Michaela together and think about how they would have idolized Maddie. I imagine her teaching them; playing with them. She would have been the big sister and cool older cousin. But that isn’t to be. No matter how much our family may grow, nothing will ever change the fact that one of its key members is gone.

In some ways it feels like watching a TV show that carries on after one of its stars leaves… Like Three’s Company post Suzanne Sommers. The show sort of feels the same, and maybe even captures some of the same magic, but at the same time kind of feels…weird. I hope that this feeling isn’t always felt so strongly. I need to remind myself that Maddie’s passing is still so fresh. It’s only been a little over a year, and we have a long trip ahead of us, one that is far longer than even a seven hour car ride when you have food poisoning.

Annie looks like an old lady who spent too much time at the tanning salon! GTL!

Now they look like this:

What a difference three months make!

Yesterday we took all the kids to a San Francisco Giants game.

Spencer is in little league and was very interested in seeing the players up close:

Danny was more interested in getting dirty:

Michaela was more interested in her pacifier:

and Annie wasn’t interested at all:

The boys LOVE the girls – they whole weekend they kept coming over to give both of them kisses (I knew Spencer would be like that, he adored Madeline). I hope they always get along. Sure, there will be some years in there where the boys’ age difference will matter to them, or girls will be gross. But long-term, I hope they are friends. Michaela and Annabel are so close in age that I’m sure they’ll get along famously, although age doesn’t always matter – my cousin Leah is four years younger than me and she is one of my best friends.

With hundreds of miles separating the kids, we’re going to have to work hard to make sure they are relevant in each other’s lives. With the boys hitting school age, the trips won’t be as long or frequent. We’ll have to figure out other ways to keep them close while distance keeps them apart.

This weekend is the Bay Area Brain Tumor Walk, and we are participating in honor of my friend Jackie!, who was diagnosed with an Anaplastic Astrocytoma (brain tumor) almost two years ago. We went to Jackie!’s walk last year and we are proud to be walking with her again. I walk with her every day in her fight against cancer.

Back to the drive up – it was Annabel’s first big trip, and she handled it like a champ. Much better than I did – I pretty much whined the whole time. I haaaaaaaate long car rides. Especially when the restaurant we stop at to eat has a big menu but SOMEHOW doesn’t have HALF of the menu items available at the beginning of the dinner rush. Annoying!

Annie has been busy taking in her surroundings here at Mike’s parents’ house. Luckily, being on the road didn’t stop her from checking in with everyone.

if you can’t see the video above, click here.

I prefer the real Rigby.