When I was pregnant with Madeline, I didn’t do anything the traditional way. I didn’t set up a baby registry until she was five weeks old. My family threw me a baby shower the weekend before she came home from the NICU. My friends threw me one the day after she came home. It was different, but it was the situation and we all made the best of it and had a wonderful time.

This time around, I didn’t set up a registry at all. I didn’t want a shower. I didn’t want anyone to feel like they had to do something for my family, again. My friends insisted I have one and put their collective foot down. I hesitantly agreed, but made them wait forever to plan a single detail until I felt like it wouldn’t jinx anything. Then I made them change the date a few times. I had a list of demands (no gifts, donations to Friends of Maddie, etc) that I insisted on. They listened politely, and then they told me to shut up and show up.

I am so lucky to not only have these five amazing women in my life,

but I have so many, many others, who came from near and far.

picture by Yvonne

When I arrived at the shower I was blown away by the details:

the beautiful tables

the AMAZING cake from Devine Delights by Rose

just some of the yummy desserts (shhh, don’t tell Dr. Risky).

The hostesses passed on that Binky doesn’t want for anything, and that we didn’t need traditional gifts. They asked instead that the guests make a donation to Friends of Maddie, give diapers, or bring an outside the box children’s book. Binky was given some AMAZINGLY thoughtful gifts (not just books & diapers but I can’t get mad because everything was so touching and perfect) and Friends of Maddie received some donations, too:

made with loving hands and passed on from a loving heart

for the new little rocker

one of the two amazing scrapbooks

something that will be treasured forever.

I don’t normally like pictures of myself, but my friend Yvonne took one that I love. I’m standing off to the side of the shower, looking around at the tables full of people there for my daughter. The last time I had so many loved ones around was to say goodbye to my oldest daughter. This time, they were saying hello to my youngest. I felt so many things looking at the patio full of friends, but mostly I felt love. Theirs and mine.

I LOVED my dress – More of Me Maternity!

I was worried it would be emotional. Sometimes, it was. I was worried I’d be sad. Sometimes, I was. But I was also so happy. I felt so much love for both of my daughters. I know that even though something truly awful happened in my life, I am surrounded by so many people that care about me and my family. Nothing can ever take that away.

Thank you to everyone – especially Brianne, Leah, Leslie, Meghan, and Tara, who were right. I AM glad I had shower.

I’m Maddie’s Bampa, Heather’s dad. Heather is out of town this week speaking with members of Congress on behalf of the March Of Dimes and has asked me to try my hand at filling in for her.

Last week Heather spoke as a member of a panel at a conference in Asheville, NC regarding bloggers who write about difficult subjects (the loss of a child in Heather’s case). The participants in that segment of the conference were distressed to hear that after being so honest and open in her blog dealing with Maddie’s passing, someone would leave a negative comment. I, like so many readers from time to time, have seen those comments. Yesterday it happened again and the following comment was posted. “Didn’t you just lose Maddie? and your (sic) already pregnant again? did you even have enough time to mourn her loss? people just keep popping out babies and don’t think.”

The reaction from other readers was swift, emotional and articulate. I, as the grandfather who couldn’t protect my only grandchild and the father of my daughter who I can’t protect from the ongoing nightmare of losing a child, wanted to strike out at the commenter with everything I have. Thankfully others did that for me. It still leaves the unanswered question as to why someone would make such a mean spirited comment. Perhaps this person has had little control over her life and she’s attempting to impact the world in a way she feels she’s entitled to, much the same way someone might send a computer virus to unsuspecting victims.

But, in particular the commenter’s ignorant statement “did you even have enough time to mourn her loss” baffles me. Some people we know have actually said “Are you over it yet?” Mourning isn’t something with a finite time line or structure. I had a friend I attended kindergarten through high school with who was killed in Vietnam.  His death occurred 42 years ago and I still mourn for Mark and make a trip to see his name on the Vietnam Memorial every time I’m in DC.  Men I worked with who died in the line of duty 30 years ago….I still mourn for them and their families’ losses. Our good friend’s father still mourns for his miscarried babies that died more than 45 years ago.  Everyday my wife and I mourn for Maddie with tears swelling our eyes. Mourning as a measurement of time, as if there was some sort of appropriate quantity, is a myth. It never stops, there is no closure. A period of mourning only exists for those not doing the mourning.

As for “popping out babies”… I’ve known that Heather & Mike’s newest daughter Binky has been planned for over a year. People who know Heather & Mike as most of us do, understand the agony they are going through. It’s the same agony that so many of you are experiencing with your own losses. I know we all have constant reminders that blindside us. We go to have our teeth cleaned and the dental hygienist asks about our children and grandchildren not knowing what has taken place. We went to an early season football game and one of the other season ticket holders asked if we didn’t bring Maddie because it was too hot. This is part of life’s stream. It keeps flowing whether we are mourning or not. Part of that life’s stream is having children. The most important thing in our lives is our children. I’m very proud of Heather & Mike’s skill as parents. It would be a shame to waste their potential because of someone else’s expectations.

I’ve written a lot in the past about Madeline’s relationship with her cousins. We always thought Maddie and her cousin Danny would be playmates since they were born only nine months apart, but it didn’t work out that way. Her cousin Spencer, three years her senior, adored her. When they were around each other, Maddie only wanted to be with him, and he always wanted to play with her. I wish I could have seen them grow together and watched their relationship develop.

Mike’s sister Monica and her husband Sheridan announced at the beginning of the year that they were expecting their third baby. We told Maddie all the time that she was going to have another cousin. She LOVED babies and whenever I’d say, “Maddie, are you excited for your baby cousin?” she’d clap her hands and say, “BABY!” Maddie passed away before we found out that her future cousin was a girl. I know she would have been excited to have another girl around.

Knowing that Monica was pregnant with a girl, I did hope that Binky would also be a girl. But, at the same time, Maddie and Spencer were thick as thieves, so I knew gender wouldn’t matter to our kids.

Yesterday at 4:08 am, Michaela Madeline was born.

I know she and Binky will be best friends.

People ask me all the time, “How am I coping”…As Heather’s Mom, and Maddie’s Gramma I can only ask where do I start…

Do I start at the very beginning when I heard about Heather and Mike becoming pregnant…one of the happiest days of my life.

Do I start when the OB said the pregnancy wouldn’t probably last…one of the worst days of my life, or so I thought at the time.

Do I start when she was confined to bed rest, first at home and then at the hospital where I dreaded every phone call or email that said it was so hard to keep going, but encouraged her, cajoled her, laughed and cried with her, tried to keep her motivated towards a happy ending.

Do I start the day Maddie was born and everyone of us, all of her dear friends and relatives were overjoyed that she came out crying and over 3 pounds. That euphoria only lasted a brief 20 minutes, until we found out how she needed immediate attention at another hospital.

Do I start with the 68 days of seeing Maddie in the NICU, seeing Heather stay strong through it all.

Do I start with her 3 trips to the hospital where she, Mike and I would take turns sleeping and being there 24/7 for however long her stay.

Do I start with the absolute joy I felt when she celebrated her milestone First Birthday Thanksgiving and Christmas at HOME with our wonderful friends and family including her NICU nurses.

Do I start when Heather asked me, like so many ordinary times before, if I could come down and spend the day because Maddie had a cough.

Do I start at the hospital when everything seemed similar as before and I couldn’t imagine what was to come.

Do I start with seeing that horrible day unfold in front of your eyes, feeling so helpless, see your daughter lose the most important thing in her life and then see her have such an inner strength, poise and courage that still to this day amazes and inspires me.

Do I start with the heartache I feel to my very core over losing Maddie and then watching my daughter’s pain and knowing that there is little I can do to ease it, but cry with her.

So How am I coping?    The worse thing about grief is it is so solitary, a path that is incredibly lonely at times. It’s hard not to get caught in a web of utter depression and guilt. Fortunately, I‘m so blessed with family and special friends who I know are walking along the sides of the path with me and will and have helped me out whenever I ask…

I just have to start to ask more often….