Eight
I’ve been holding pictures of you in my hands, tracing the outline of your face with the tips of fingers.
I realized that you’d grown out of your baby face, and had become a little girl.
I run my pointer finger over the pictures of your curls, and I remember how perfectly they spiraled.
The hair over your right ear was exquisite. It was my favorite spot on your head. It smelled so good.
I wonder how long it would be now. If I’d have taken you for a hair cut.
In your pictures you are tall and skinny, but you’d just had major weight gain.
Your hand wrapped perfectly around my pinky. It should be big enough to hold my index finger now (maybe bigger).
You were putting words together. Now you’d be speaking in sentences. You were light years ahead in communication skills.
There is so much I don’t know and I never will. I am always going to wonder about you.
It will never get easier to live without you
catherine lucas says:
I can so imagine you tracing her little face on the paper. Photographs are magical, if you lose a dear one, photo’s can help to cope as they might give you that tiny bit of comfort holding at least a photograph…
Loosing a child never stops hurting, it is against all rules of life. That little bee costume is so precious on her… Sweet Madeline.
catherine lucas´s last blog ..Babies and scallops
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Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Hugs, Heather. And Mike too. She’s so gorgeous.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Tattoo artist
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Jules says:
<3
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pamela says:
Hugs to the both of you and rigby too. Beautiful picture. Youre terribly missed, Maddie
pamela´s last blog ..Friday, I’m In Love!
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Kelly says:
All of her was exquisite… I can’t believe how incredibly beautiful Maddie is. I can’t begin to comprehend the magnitude of your loss…
Hope that Rigby is recovering well from her surgery
love and hugs to you all.
Kelly´s last blog ..Yum!!
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Marti from Michigan Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 10:21 am
You said it all Kelly, the words that were in my heart to say as well. Bless you!
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tiff says:
A million hugs from far away.
It never gets easier, just different.
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amy Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Very well said. And know that the arrival of Binky is going to make you two fall hopelessly and madly in love again; with another gorgeous baby girl. She will never replace Maddy but know she will help you both live again.
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cheryl says:
This is so sad.
Heather, no one will ever forget Maddie. I live continents away and I think of Maddie a lot.
I can never imagine the loss your family went through:(
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Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ says:
Heather – You continue to break my heart with your posts. I hope the future brings you comfort and joy … Maddie is gorgeous. Such a light about her.
Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/´s last blog ..Important World Issues
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Karen Chatters says:
Heather, I love that little outfit, she was such a beautiful girl.
My thoughts are always with you and mike.
((hugs))
Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Throw me a bone
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Krissa says:
(((Hugs)))
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Sara @heartmychloe says:
I dont know what to say, other than i love you.
hugs and more hugs.
<3
Sara @heartmychloe´s last blog ..The post about not posting
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Juli & Dan says:
there are no words that describe the loss the world suffered when your family lost this amazing little lady. 3000 miles away your loss is felt. we wish there is something we could say or do to ease your pain and burden.
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Konstantina says:
I read your blog all the time, but I never comment…
Last night I dreamt of you guys and Maddie was there and you were very happy!
A big hug from Germany
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Page says:
Hugs are with you, always. She’s just unspeakably beautiful, and my heart goes out to you and to Mike and Rigby too.
Page´s last blog ..Vibrant Venues: The Loft on Belmont
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Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I wish sweet Maddie was still here. Thinking of you all…
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Don’t try this at home
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amanda says:
Sweet, beautiful Maddie – love to her, and to you.
xo from CT,
Amanda
amanda´s last blog ..kibble!
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Gemini-Girl says:
no words. love you always
Gemini-Girl´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving to You & Yours!
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Aunt Becky says:
We miss you, Maddie.
xoxo
Love you, Heather, Mike, Binky and Rigby.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Dearest Darkly Dreaming Dexter
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jen says:
it just sucks, plain and simple. that you have to write these posts and that she isn’t here and that you don’t know those things.
then again … the world is a better place for her having spent some of her time here. i’m sure of it.
but it doesn’t make it any easier.
hugs.
jen´s last blog ..five and a half … fashionably late …
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Domestic Extraordinaire says:
(((Hugs))))
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Weekly Winners-Photos that make me Smile Edition
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Anna Marie says:
sweetest girl. Hugs to you and Mike.
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Kristen McD says:
It still seems imopssible. Love to you.
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Elizabeth says:
I have no words. Just hugs, thoughts and prayers to you, Mike and Rigby.
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Stephanie says:
I never know exactly what to say to you. I cannot fathom the pain you two experience, but also the joy that you have Maddie, and now Binky on the way…I don’t know. Your strength is amazing to me. I cannot comprehend it.
Stephanie´s last blog ..santa claus and elves (don’t let any kiddos who believe near this one)
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cj says:
HUGE hugs to you today and always…..we all wish that you didn’t have to go through anything without her; that she was still here in your arms, your photos, your videos–growing and getting more beautiful every day.
thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter and your heartbreaking thoughts and feelings with us.
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Erica says:
What a moving post, dear sweet Heather, your moving words bring the reader into your world where we can see your precious Maddie so clearly. My heart aches for you and Mike. I continue to think of you both every day and continue to think of your precious girl every day too. Sending you love and best wishes from afar and always holding your hand from afar.
Love Erica
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Claire says:
Sending you a virtual hug.
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Nellie says:
Such heartfelt love that will never, ever fade. Madeline will always be your very first beauty – the perfection of you and Mike and all that you hold dear.
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Momma Uncensored says:
beautiful little girl
Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..boy
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Ann says:
What a beautiful child. And what wonderful parents you are. Those “little things” like the hair over her right ear are more precious than gold. You will never forget her smell or her curls. Your beautiful words make me hold my children extra close and realize that every second with them is a blessing. Prayers to all of you.
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Sarah says:
I wish I could do more than send you virtual hugs and tell you I’m thinking of you… but I am, every day. We all love you and your little bumblebee girl.
Sarah´s last blog ..Cold
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Heather says:
I lost my little girl 9 years ago, it doesn’t get easier, but our coping skills have gotten better
i’m not sure that’s a good thing, but it does help with the pain
Heather´s last blog ..
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Margie says:
2 weeks ago I was visiting some family and we were watching Orphan. Not sure if you have seen it. Anyhow, in the movie, the main female lead loses her baby, a stillborn. The rest of the movie went on as it was a horror flick. However, I couldn’t shake the movie. I thought about you even though you had precious Maddie for all those glorious months but I also thought about my mom. My mom had a stillborn. She lost 1 of her sons before I was born. She doesn’t talk about it too much except to say that it nearly drove her crazy. She never held her son but I know she still thinks about him and always, always made sure that her remaining children knew about their brother. I don’t know what I am trying to say here. I guess, with this blog, you are doing what my mom did with us. She made us always remember him especially on the Day of the Dead, a sacred Mexican holiday.
I’ll be thinking about you, Heather and Maddie as well. Always.
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Manda says:
Tears!
Heaven is a much better place because Maddie is there. We are not so lucky.
Heather – Maddie is such a bright, beautiful girl – you must be so proud of such an Angel.
Hugs from MN.
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Deborah says:
Always thinking of you and praying for peace.
(((hugs)))
Deborah´s last blog ..New Drawing
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Nikki says:
Much love and hugs to you in the moments that you need them and x2 for the moments that seem impossible to make it through.
XOXO.
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tina says:
Love you Heather.
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JoAnn says:
My God, if she isn’t the most beautiful child… Heather, you are amazing. Truly, truly.
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Mary says:
We don’t get over it, we get through. And we are all wanting to help you get through it, for whatever that’s worth. Lots of love and support to you all.
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jen says:
It’s been said a million times before, but I’m so sorry, Heather.
No one should have to live through that. Ever.
She’s gorgeous.
jen´s last blog ..sometimes
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Michele Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
So true. My heart breaks for you. Sending lots of love to you in Cali and to your Maddie in Heaven.
Thinking of you and your family,
Michele in Staten Island, NY
Michele´s last blog ..Baked
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leel says:
i hate that you have to go through this. does that count? i hope so. i hope, somehow, that all of our collective thoughts and wishes ease your constant pain of losing Maddie.
peace and hugs to you all & little gentle pets to poor little RIgby too
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Katie C. says:
Thinking of you….
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suzanne says:
This is a beautiful, heartbreaking post. She would have been fabulous, and getting more fabulous with every passing day. It is so horribly unfair that you can only wonder about the changes she would have undergone. I don’t know the right words to say, except to assure you I think of Madeline Spohr every single day, and I know I will never forget her.
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Trisha Vargas says:
(((HUGS)))
Always thinking of you!
Your friend in Florida
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Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, I’ve got nothing today, only hugs, lots and lots of healing hugs.
Love and hugs friend.
Lisa´s last blog ..Someone’s Missing
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Megan says:
I love the photos of Maddie in this outfit. Especially those leg warmers! I never knew Maddie, and my pain over that can only possibly be one billionth of your pain. But I look at that picture, and I wish I knew too.
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Sandy says:
What a beautiful picture of Maddie. Love, love, love the leggings! Keeping you in my prayers.
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Camie says:
Maddie is so missed and loved. I hope you will be able to see her grow in your mind’s eye, always hovering in your heart. I wish you had her to hold.
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Tami says:
Im in tears and I so wish I could give you a hug.
She is a beautiful child. And she is missed by so many people.. My heart aches for you and Mike and Rigby. I hope Rigby is feeling better and is back home in your arms.
Hugs
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Lindsay from Florida says:
Please don’t take this in a creepy stalker way, but I had a really brief but beautiful dream that you and Maddie were in last night. (It’s not surprising: I am drawn to this site everyday by the way you write and share with all us strangers.) Anyway, it was a very simple dream: I met you and Maddie while you were just hanging out having fun as mom and daughter.
I want so, so, so much for that picture to be a reality and not just my subconscious thinking about a family who has had to endure far too much.
Continued prayers for Binky. Continued love, always, for Maddie. She looks like the most adorable bumblebee in the world in that picture.
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Sarah Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I know what you mean about feeling like a stalker and being inexplicably drawn to this site. I am crying again.
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J says:
Those little bee leggings are precious.
Love to you and Mike.
J´s last blog ..Slackerdom
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Lauren says:
It is so, so unbelievably unfair. I look at the pictures you post of your vivacious little girl and my heart aches. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel.
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Julie says:
I’ve been reading this site since Maddie’s second birthday. Not long, but with feeling. My mother lost a 2 wk old daughter before I was born, my sister lost her first son to SIDS when he was 13 mos., and my brother lost a daughter to health problems at 9 mos. This was all years ago. No one ever forgets, not the aunties either. It is never “easy” to live without our loved ones, and tho it is a cliche, time heals, softens, leaves the good memories. Know that you are not alone. By exposing your heart here you have gathered many friends, and strengthened others. May the God of Peace be with you.
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DesignHER Momma says:
Heather –
Not a single day goes by that I don’t pray for you and think about Maddie.
I wish for you time would make it easier – but sometimes I realize that that just doesn’t happen.
Take care of yourself the best you can, lean on others when you need help – you have a strong community pulling for you!
We love you so much!
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Lisa from WV says:
Had tears in my eyes throughout your post, but when I got to her picture, I couldn’t help but smile. How incredibly adorable she is in that pic. Hoping smiles break through the tears for you also.
Your stranger friend in WV,
Lisa
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Tracey Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Well said Lisa. I feel the same way.
I’m a stranger friend in a very cold Canada
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Christine Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
I agree. Madeline is so adorable, and your words just pierce right to the heart of the little things we take for granted. She has the brightest eyes, and the love you have for her aches in my heart when I read your posts. I cannot fathom how much you miss her.
Many prayers for you and your family.
Your stranger friend in Atlanta, Georgia
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mandie says:
My heart aches for your sweet Maddie, Heather. No mother should ever have to know this pain.
mandie´s last blog ..santa = overrated
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Carrie says:
A huge hug to you. Thinking of you during these difficult days. It’s simply not fair.
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Danielle says:
I Love that picture. Maddie, you bring a smile to so many peoples faces and always will.
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Andria says:
Oh Heather, my heart goes out to you, Mike, both sets of grandparents, and everyone whose life little Maddie impacted. She will always be remembered, always will be perfect, and always be in the hearts of many.
Andria´s last blog ..Do As I Say, Not As I Did.
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Chrissie says:
(((HUGS)))
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Keyona says:
I know it will never get easier but you are doing great!
Keyona´s last blog ..What Joy Looks Like
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Katrina says:
Look at that big foot of hers! What a sweet picture.
Thinking of you today, and hoping that when you’re missing Maddie the most, Binky will give you a big kick to distract you;)
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Michelle Pixie says:
Love & Hugs
Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Shhhh
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Kristy says:
Her little feet…how sweet those little toes are.
Praying for you…
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Glenda says:
Heather, beautiful post… beautiful words… beautiful Maddie. On the 7th it made 16 yrs that my brother passed and as I thought of him, I thought of Maddie, you and Mike. Sending you hugs! XXX and hoping you and Mike are okay! Hoping Rigby is feeling better and you have her home in your arms. Hoping you’re doing okay and coping with the diabetes and continued health to you and Binky! XXX
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Kellee says:
I will always be SO happy that you received that camera. That you took to photography as you did. That you have so many pictures that you otherwise might not have taken. *hug*
Kellee´s last blog ..What’s Romantic?
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Michele says:
thinking of you,,, She is beautiful
Michele´s last blog ..Name Days
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Maria says:
I miss her so much, Heather.
Love you.
Maria´s last blog ..Darcy
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Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4 says:
I have no words, only tears and hugs for you and your family.
xoxoxox
Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4´s last blog ..I Heart Faces Week 48 ~ Sweet Dreams
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Heidi says:
My eyes tear up for you every day. My heart still can’t understand how such a beautiful little girl, so full of life and joy, who so obviously loved and adored and cherished could be gone. I am so sorry for your loss. She was beautiful, inside and out.
Heidi´s last blog ..Black Friday 2009
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Jamie says:
Heather, you and Mike and Maddie are never every far from my thoughts and my heart. She is beautiful and lovely and marvelous and wonderful. She’s blessed so many people. Far more than you can imagine.
Jamie´s last blog ..Being Flexible
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missy says:
Forever thine, Forever ours, Sweetest Madeline.
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Susan A says:
Hi Heather-
Still read every day and still can’t believe that this is your reality. Maddie is such a wonderful girl. I enjoy her pictures so much. My heart breaks in a million pieces that you won’t have new pictures of your special girl. I can only imagine how many more pieces your heart has broken. Sending you lots of hugs. Hope it helps in some tiny way. Susan
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Rebecca says:
She’s beautiful…and those curls are amazing!
Rebecca´s last blog ..Christmas Portraits
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amy says:
I don’t think you can ever get over the loss of a child. I think you only learn to cope and everyday you learn how to move forward. Maddie is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen! I know your heart will ache for her everyday ((HUGS))
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Erin says:
I can picture your doing this….my heart breaks….but i also smile, cause the moments you captured of her…are AMAZING. Stay strong….and always try to remember the best times of little Maddie.
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Hallie says:
There are no words that I can say to take your pain away, but I hope you realize that by sharing you pain with us, Maddie’s beautiful face and memory is living on. I can honestly say, even though we have never met, I feel like know you and think of Maddie on a daily basis. You have a huge support system.
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Upstatemomof3 says:
I say something like this everytime I comment here and then I am too shy to come back for awhile but I have just fallen in love with that girl of yours. My heart is broken for you and her.
Upstatemomof3´s last blog ..Shame On You Nestle!!
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Amanda says:
No two kisses are alike, but I am sure looking forward to hearing how the big one in your future will be. Higs.
Amanda´s last blog ..Rhythm is a Dancer (or a daughter)
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Sheila says:
I think & pray for you often. I have a little girl who is close in age (20 Months) to Maddie and one who is 4 months old. My heart aches for you. Your suffering & story makes me appreciate every second with my girls. Sometimes when I am at my whit’s end and both girls are crying and I’m trying not to lose my temper–by that I mean snapping at the my Grace–I think of you and just stop and sit and hug them and remember to be thankful for their lives.
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Sue says:
And here are today’s tears.
Sue´s last blog ..My shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner a la Eric
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Jen L. says:
Sweet little beauty. Sending love your way.
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mom2nji says:
My heart hurts for you everyday. I think of you, Mike, and Maddie everyday.
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mythoughtsonthat says:
Your girl, she is such a doll.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Just Playing The Game
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Michelle says:
Wow – that made me cry. I can’t imagine what it must feel for you. Even though I never met Maddie, I haven’t forgotten her. She is such a beautiful blessing.
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Corinne says:
Sending hugs and prayers…
What a sweetheart. Really.
Corinne´s last blog ..Love and sugar cookies
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MBKimmy says:
She is just beautiful … that is the BEST outfit ever! Hugs, Love and prayers to you, Mike, Rigby, Binky.
MBKimmy´s last blog ..SnowBE’s
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nic @mybottlesup says:
holding you in my heart.
nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..getting in the spirit via a cold, snow and FEETIES!!!
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(another) karen says:
thinking of you all – again. so sorry to sound like a broken record, but its true, and it seems only right to let you know.
she’s beautiful…..
karen
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Leslie says:
I have spent hours and hours reading your blog, but I’ve never commented before tonight. The last line of this blog broke my heart for you all over again. I pray that you’re wrong. That it will get easier. That there will be periods of JOY for you and Mike again.
I am so sorry.
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Liliana says:
Hugs to you. I wish she was here as well.
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mel says:
I’ve been thinking of you and Mike a lot lately. I wish Maddie was here with you, I truly do. Hugs to you, Mike and your whole family.
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Michelle W says:
When I read these posts my throat constricts and I feel guilty for every moment of impatience with my children. All I can do is continue to try and be better, and honor my gifts and the life you had with Maddie. And make sure that as many people as I can put Friends of Maddie on their Christmas list.
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Rhonda says:
Your Maddie is such a beauty. I wish, I wish, I wish…
I don’t even know you and I would give my arms and legs for your little girl to be back with you. I have a daughter, a blue eyed beauty, who will be 17 on Sunday and I can’t even begin to fathom, your pain. She lost her beloved father to Cancer when she was 12, just knowing there is nothing I could do to keep her from knowing that loss is such a helpless feeling when you want nothing more than to protect them. I’m so very sorry for your loss, more than you will ever know!
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pgoodness says:
xoxoxoxo
pgoodness´s last blog ..Story in 100 words
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Molly says:
Every time you post a picture of Maddie, I stare at it and I can’t fathom that she’s not here anymore. I wish we could know all the delightful things that would be coming out of her mouth these days!
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Montique (Monique) Whited says:
Hi Heather:
I’m a bit of a voyeur, that is to say I’ve been reading your blog for about 5 months and this is the first time I’ve posted.
I had to comment about the picture in this day’s post. I can’t help but notice how exquisitely long Maddie’s fingers are. They are extraordinary and quite beautiful.
My prayers are with you and Mike. May God you keep you.
Montique
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Al_Pal says:
So sweet. So beautiful.
*sniff*
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