Loss
One of the hardest things about life in the NICU is being around the other sick babies. Because of patient confidentiality, we rarely know why most of the babies are in the NICU. Sometimes I have occasion to talk to other moms to get their stories, and sometimes you can tell what’s wrong with a baby just by looking. Most of the babies in the NICU don’t have life or death problems per say; rather, they have other problems that need to be fixed, like digestion or a cleft palate. In Maddie’s corner of the NICU, there are three other beds. We’ve seen lots of babies come and go, either moving to the step-down unit (where things are less intense) or because they are going home. We are always thrilled for the babies that leave. We see them every day and get attached to them, and we know that someday we will get to leave the NICU, too.
Last night when I was there, a baby in Maddie’s corner left the NICU not to go to the step-down unit or to go home, but to pass away surrounded by his family that loves him with all their heart. It was a terrible thing to witness as I know what it feels like to be told your baby isn’t going to survive. Thankfully, Maddie defied expectations and pulled through. This little baby fought very hard for very long, but his body couldn’t take it anymore. I sat with Maddie as his family and the chaplin said prayers, and then we watched his family wheel him away to a quiet room. As soon as they were out of sight, Maddie and the other baby in our corner started crying. Maddie rarely cries without a reason (being poked and prodded is always the cause), so I don’t think it was a coincidence. The babies were saying goodbye to their friend. The nurses and I cried along with them. I felt so sad and so lucky and so guilty. I know how close we came to that being us. I know how lucky we are that it wasn’t. And I felt guilty for being relieved that it wasn’t my baby being wheeled away. Babies aren’t supposed to die. I held Maddie close to my heart last night and thanked God for her and her turn-around, and said a prayer for the little boy that passed on last night at 8:38 pm. He’s in a better place now.
Kyle says:
Uncle Kyle’s got something in his eye right now.
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Don’t Look Back | The Spohrs Are Multiplying says:
[...] Then the visuals started popping up. Walking through the halls of the hospital where I gave birth, I couldn’t breathe when I passed the entrance to the NICU. A mailed reminder for a yearly check-up from my OB/GYN made me break into a cold sweat. An amazing cartoon about NICU life made me gasp and choke and re-live the moment when the very same thing happened to me. [...]
Summer says:
So I linked over here from your today post.. and there’s something in my eye too..
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Olga says:
First time commenter…NICU’s are such a difficult place. My son spent just 7 days in one b/c he was 5 weeks early and I was an emotional bloody mess every hour of every one of those days. You feel like the day you get to go home never comes. It’s unbelievable when it does come.
And you’re right. Babies aren’t supposed to die. It’s the hardest thing to even contemplate.
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| The Spohrs Are Multiplying… | » We’re Gonna Make A Change says:
[...] I checked out of my hospital), and I saw other babies have just AWFUL things. I saw other babies die. We were told many, many times that Madeline would die. This isn’t even taking into account [...]
FearlessLadybug says:
I think its contagious…..there’s something in my eye too….
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Natalie says:
I don’t know what you guys got in your eye, but I am crying so hard I can barely type.
I had a little boy in the NICU, too, and like Maddie he pulled through. Part of my story is here http://boingerhead.blogspot.com/2009/11/foto-friday-16.html – I haven’t yet found the strength to tell all of it.
Natalie´s last blog ..foto friday: 18
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